Music to my ears (contributed by Chin Huanxiong)

Ah Beng is the M.C. for a really big concert by a tua pai singer from America. 

So  he goes on stage and says, "Kok wei sian si, siou jia, jia did wu nang  jin  jia huan hee chia tio bee kok lai eh Longan Lychee! (drum roll,  applause) Jia did yee ay qiu neng tay kwa. Tay it eh si Ong Lai  Long.  Tay jee eh si Seng Yew Seng Bee. Wu chia!" 

(Translation: "Ladies and gentlemen, we  are  delighted to have with us today Mr Lionel Ritchie from America. (drum  roll,  applause) Today, he will be singing two songs. The first is All Night  Long.  The second is Say You, Say Me. Please!")

Mess Transit

On a crowded public SBS bus, an Ah Lian got aboard and refused to budge from the her position near the front door. Her only response to the demands from the bus driver was, "Wah ai go Or-Chard Load!"

Nothing the bus driver did could make her move to the rear of the bus. 

Finally, a passenger whispered something into the Ah Lian's ear, whereupon she immediately made her way to the back. Surprised, the bus driver asked the passenger how he managed to do it. 

The passenger smiled and said, "I told her that the front of the bus goes to Jurong while the rear will take her to Orchard Road."

Parking Cock Up (from kampung chicken)

Ah Beng couldn't find a parking lot, but there was a whole row of cars docked illegally along the roadside. So he parked his vehicle behind the last one, thinking it was alright. 

Five minutes later, he rushed out to plead with the Parking Warden who had suddenly appeared to issue him a ticket. 

The warden asked Ah Beng, "An zua lu di jit-dao luan luan par chia?" 
(Why you anyhow park here?) 

Ah Beng replied, "Aiyah, gua kua ee lang par, teh lang par lor ..." 
(I saw them park follow them park lor)

Astounded, the warden gasped, "Ha? Simi lum par teh lum par?" 
(What testicles squeezing testicles? Trust us, it works better in Hokkien...)

Totally Defenceless

Two Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's  go inside and togo."

"But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng.

"No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside. 

Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!"

"But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng.

"Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"

After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.

There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."

Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means.  It it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.

Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea.

"Ni na beh," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?"

"Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."

Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

What's in a name? (contributed by Jiaho Cheo)

A long time ago, Ah Beng found himself as a sailor on board an ang-mor explorer's ship.  

One day, in the crow's nest, he spotted an uncharted island.  He quickly scurried down, and knocked on the captain's door.  

"Eh, Captain!" he said eagerly. "There got new island, leh! What should we call it?"

However, the Captain was at the time making love to a woman passenger, who was in the throes of passion.

Ah Beng heard the woman wail to the Captain, "Put it in, dear! In, dear! In, dear!"

And thus, India got its name.

Ah Beng later found himself serving on-board Christopher Columbus' ships.

One day, the crew spotted a new continent.  Ah Beng was below decks, when Columbus summoned the crew on deck.

As Columbus asked, "What shall we name this new world?", Ah Beng scrambled up and said in Cantonese, "Hai mee-eh leh ka?" ("What's happening?")

And thus, America got its name.

Beware the consequences of indiscriminate rubbing (contributed by Jiaho Cheo)

Ah Beng went hiking and saw a cave and went in. Inside the cave he picked up a lamp.

He laughed and said, "Ho say leow, kio tiok kim!" and began rubbing the lamp. 

And 'poot!' Out came a genie from the lamp. The genie then granted Ah Beng 3 wishes.

Without thinking carefully, Ah Beng said ' si mi lan cheow also want.' So the genie stuck all sorts of penises all over Ah Beng's body. 

Shocked and disgusted, Ah Beng then said, "This time si mi lan cheow also do'wan."

So the genie quickly granted Ah Beng's 2nd wish. And with a 'poot!' all the penises disappeared from Ah Beng's body, including his own.

Even more shocked this time,  Ah Beng said, "I want my own last time lan cheow back." 

And with a final 'poot!', Ah Beng got exactly what he wished for: the penis he had when he was a baby.

A Queer Question (contributed by Western Beng)

Question : If you see 2 Chinese men holding hands & you call them  "gays",  what do you call 10 Chinese man holding hands ?
Answer : CHINGAY !!

A Damn Cock Fairy Tale (contributed by Western Beng)

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable  age.  As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave  him, he  made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that  whoever has  two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread 
far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king  was  secretly pleased.

In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack  & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down  for  it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood.

As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried  out,  "STOP! Please don't hurt me ! " The brothers were scared shitless  when  suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that  he  was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would  grant  them a wish each.

Remembering the king's offer of his daughter as  bride, the  brothers each wished for a second prick. The genie said "Your wish is  granted. Now... what you have wished for will fall down from the sky.  You  must catch it promptly with your hands and attach it to where you  want it  to be !" 

Jack was the first one to receive his wish. As the prick was  falling down from the sky, he swiftly caught it with his hands and  attached  it right next to where his own prick is. 

Now, Jim was the clumsy one.  As his  second prick was hurling down , he missed and it landed right on his 
forehead !!!

Jack, being the cool one, told Jim that it was alright and they should  proceed  to the palace to seek the princess's hand in marriage. After all, the  king did say 2 pricks. Jim, not wanting to expose what he had on his forehead, took a  long piece of cloth and wound it round his head like a turban to hide  it.

It was 2 days later when they reached the palace. The king was summoned  and  he asked Jack to show him his 2 pricks. Jack took off his pants and  proudly  showed it off to him. The king sighed in dismay and resignation and also called on Jim to show him his 2 pricks. 

Embarrassed, Jim took  off  his pants and unwound his turban to reveal what's on his forehead. The  king then yelled in disgust, "NI NA B EH ! YOU THIS TYPE OF LAN  CHEOW  BIN WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER AH ???!!!???? "

And so the term "Lan Cheow Bin" was coined.

Win Leow, Lor  (contributed by Have Cock Will Travel)

Ah Beng rushed in to his house and shouted for his wife, " Lian, Ah Lian ah, quick, quick, pack your bags, ho say leow, I kanna Toto. One meellion lollars." 

His wife, Ah Lian, came out of the kitchen, and asked, "Wah....this time song leow! Where should we go, ha? Should I pack for A-merry-ca or Chip Poon, ha.....?". 

"No," said Ah Beng. "Jjust pack your bags and ka lim peh wah keong kan (fuck off)".

Now I see the big picture (contributed by Have Cock Will Travel)

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone. 

Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, leh." 
Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?" 
Lian: " The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com ". 
Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah." 

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is. 

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, " Kan ni na, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

Basic Instincts (contributed by Ted)

An American, A Briton and a Singaporean were allies in a war and, unfortunately, were cornered by the enemy. The only way to the safe zone was by dashing through 100m of no-man's-land, where the trio risked being gunned down by enemy snipers. 

The Briton decided to give it a try first, and started dashing with all his might towards the 100m end mark. Upon reaching 90m, he was shot. As he fell, he shouted, "God save the Queen!" and fell dead. 

The American decided to go next and blazed towards the safe zone. 80m...85m...90m...95m...BANG! He was shot as well. As he fell, he shouted, "For Liberty!" and fell dead. 

The Singaporean was next and he ran faster than he ever did in his whole life. 80m... 85m... 90m... 95m... 96m... 97m.. 98m... 99m.... BANG! He was shot too, and as he fell, he shouted, "KAN NI NA BU CHAO CHEE BYE!!!!!"

A Seamen's Tale (contributed by Titus Lee)

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. 

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" 

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. 

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. 

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" 

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. 

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

Don't anyhow adopt ang-mor names, hor!

Ah Huay suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian decided to press the lift button "G". They found themselves on the first ground floor and Ah Beng remarked, "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was ground floor?" 

Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah so simple yo u also dunno ! 'G', mah .. "G" stand for gero loh!!"

Oh, My Lurf, My Ah Beng (contributed by Wyman Lye)

One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a lounge and requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only played English songs and asked them to request another song. They were upset and complained to the manager that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of calming them down, the manager found out they were actually requesting the Righteous Brothers' song, "Unchained Melody".

Ah Beng: Up in Smoke (contributed by Wyman Lye)

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:

The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
 
The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world." 

The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."

The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song" 

30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.

Billy had with him 200 chidren and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"

Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,  was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer !  The Queen can drink sea water. "

The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)


Ah Beng Hot Shot (contributed by Wyman Lye)

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. 

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Ah Beng: All Wet (contributed by Wyman Lye)

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What  happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and  started to shout for help.

Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning  victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !

Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and  the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped  off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many  congratulations shouted. 

The hero looked angry and shouted  "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

Ah Beng: Fruity Fun

Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to name three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng immediately said, "Apple... Apricot..." then he was stumped.  

After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang Mor Tan!"

Ah Beng Gourmet Grades

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre.  Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' 'D' stand for what ah?"

Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"

Ah Lian Stocking Stuffer

Here's one that works best when told aloud. Ah Lian went to the Emporium to look for knee-high stockings and approached a salesgirl.

Ah Lian: Loo ooh buay stocking kao knee boh? (Do you sell stockings reaching the knee?)

Salesgirl: Kao nee? Kao yeo, ooh.  Boh kao nee eh! (Up to the breasts ("nee")? Up to the waist, got.  Don't have up to the breasts, one!)

Ah Lian, realising her mistake, quickly corrected herself: Mm si tng nang eh 'nee'... si ang-mor eh 'knee'!
(means: not Chinese 'nee'... English 'knee'! But actually sounds like: Not Chinese breasts... I mean Caucasian breasts!)

Ah Beng Supplies

Lance Corporal Ah Beng, Corporal Ahmad and Sergeant Arul were lost in the jungle.  It was clear they would have to share responsibilities in order to survive. Sergeant Arul, as the most high-ranking soldier, took charge.

"Ah Beng," said Sergeant Arul. "Ahmad and I will recce ahead to see if there's any way out.  We want you to stay behind here in the camp and take care of supplies for us. Can?"

Ah Beng nodded, and Ahmad and Arul set out ahead. 

"Where's the bugger?" said Sergeant Arul, puzzled.

Whereupon Ah Beng immediately jumped out of the bushes and yelled at both of them, "Supplies!"

This Is My Lan, This Is Not Your Lan

Ah Lian Riddles

Why do Ah Lians all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? 
Finger on chin = I don't know. 
Hits forehead = Oh, I get it! 

Why did the Ah Lian have little holes all over her face? 
From eating with forks. 

How does an Ah Lian high-5? 
She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you fit four Ah Lians on a chair?
Turn it upside down.

How can you tell when an Ah Lian is not wearing any underwear?
By the dandruff on her shoes.

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