18 March 2001

Greetings again, arts appreciators! These past couple of weeks, I've seen one of the country's most challenging drama performances.

Stirring, intellectual stuff, whose content is bound to affect anyone watching it. And the actors mouth the lines with such immense conviction, that one's mind reels between reality and fiction.

And the best part? The performances are free.

I wandered into it quite by accident.  

I was reviewing an SSO performance at the Victoria Concert Hall, when I decided to take advantage of the interval by asking the oboe player to give me blowing lessons.  

However, when I revealed to him that I did not actually have an oboe with me, and that he would have to use my nearest biological alternative, he got quite upset, and stormed off.

Only to return with the SSO percussion section, who seemed intent on using me as a tympani during their rendition of the theme to '2001: A Space Odyssey'.

Forced thus to beat a hasty retreat from these diabolical drummers, I fled into a nearby building I had never been in before. Hoping to blend myself in with the crowd, I immediately headed for a room called "The Public Gallery".

As it turns out, I was just in time for the start of the performance, which was entitled, "The Parliamentary Debates In Respect of the Ministry of Education's Budget for the fiscal year 2001-2002." 

The rather unwieldy title was supported by a rather large cast of characters, many of whom did not seem to have many lines, but who clearly added to the milieu, and gave it a sense of verité. Especially those who seemed to be asleep.

The drama was evidently a courtroom drama, with an atmosphere of bewilderment and forbidding, much like Kafka's 'The Trial'. 

The protagonist seemed to be a character referred to as 'Minister' (clearly a religious reference, as many of the cast appeared to take his words for gospel).  Minister was answering questions from individuals which he called 'Members', which I could not decide for sure were anatomical references.  

Interposing himself amidst the dialogue was a character named 'Mr. Speaker', which was clearly so-named with a sense of irony, as he did very little speaking save interjections of "Order!" and "The Member's time is up." (How deeply profound a statement!)

While most of the renditions were somewhat wooden, the characterisations seemed sincere. The script was certainly intellectually challenging, forcing the audience to grapple with amongst other things, a host of evasions, non-sequiturs and riddles.

When a Member questioned something called a 'streaming system', Minister replied that 'The alternative to streaming is that many children will fail, drop out of school and they will not be there, in any of the other streams.'

I sat there in my seat marveling at the inventiveness of the lines.  The chief argument against removing a burdensome system was that it would deprive sufferers of their suffering? But wasn't the point to alleviate the suffering to begin with? What did it all mean?

I was soon jolted out of my intellectual revelry when the brains of the Streats reporter seated next to me started to drip out from his nose.

Another gem was when Minister said that the streaming system was 'mass-customised' for people's needs. Mass customisation! I was nearly brought to my knees in tears at this wonderful construction; I haven't heard an oxymoron this clever since 'military intelligence'!

At the end of the performance, the audience was so overcome with emotion that they couldn't even muster any applause.  It was draining, indeed.  I literally felt that my lifeblood had been sucked out of me.

Still, I was thrilled.  Here, I had thought our theatre scene to be moribund and staid, only to find that there is bold experimentation going on.

That where other theatre companies seek to root their plays in mundane reality, there are still performers in Singapore wishing to push the boundaries of believability!

My only complaint? The wardrobe could use a little jazzing up: windcheaters are so passé!

- Artie

5 March 2001

Hello again, cultural connoisseurs! This week, I'm featuring one of Singapore's greatest cultural institutions: Zouk!

I mean, let's be frank: does the rest of the world really give a toss about our symphony orchestra, our national choir or opera? 

I'm sure that if, like, they were all captured by crazy dayaks, most people would just belch and scratch their collective bellies and mutter, "Oh dear," followed by "So tonight eat what, ah?"

But Zouk: it's easily one of the world's best clubs, and if, like, it accidentally went down the wrong runway and exploded, there would be rioting in the streets of Singapore!

(Okay, so maybe not rioting, but certainly there would be a lot of people going "tsk!", which is really saying something in this country.)

It's amazing that Zouk is such a hit.  

This is despite the fact it has broken all the Singaporean rules of success (which is being filled with extremely boring people and having government investment).

It's also hard to believe that it's been around for ten years.

This means that the formative years of several generations of Singaporeans have passed through its doors.

How many of our young people first learned how to air-kiss when meeting friends at Zouk? 

Or discovered the potent mix of wearing white with ultraviolet light on Zouk's dancefloors? 

Or were first taught about the gag reflex in their toilets? (Oh, come on! There must be more of you than just me!)

Let's all admit it: Zouking is a national rite of passage, like National Service. (Where, incidentally, the gag reflex is also practised regularly.)

So why is Zouk so popular? What separates it from other discos?

Some have suggested that it's their choice of music: that they were the first to play music other than Rick Astley on their dance floors. But considering that their music too often sounds like the microwave at the 7-11 informing you that your food is already heated, with a backbeat sampled from a blender set on "dice", this is not likely.

Some have suggested that they were the first to bring in foreign club DJs, which was a quantum leap from most other clubs, which invariably had some ah beng at the mix desk with a poorly-imitated American accent. But this is likely to be significant only for SPGs.

Some may argue that Zouk went out of its way to create an ambience that attracted Singapore's beautiful people.  But this argument doesn't hold when you consider that it actually had a special night for lawyers.

So what is it that makes the Zouk experience so addictive, and keeps it smokin', for so long?

Oops, I think that's why they shut it down for eight months in 1995.

I'm sure it doesn't happen anymore.  And that Zouk continues to be be packed purely for its music, ambience, approach and crowd, which is unlike any other disco in the world.

Honest! And that's nothing to be snorted... I mean, sniffed at. I mean... you know what I mean.

- Artie

19 February 2001

Hello, arts aficionados!

No doubt you've heard that the Ministry of Information and the Arts and the People's Association have been encouraging community centres to adopt arts groups.

This is definitely a policy to encourage.

There are a lot of orphaned arts groups out there, abandoned by their dramaturgs, poor little things, who, without the right guiding hands, would be wandering aimlessly in the streets and performing agitprop Brechtian Marxist Theatre of the Oppressed pieces.

But with the co-operation of the CCs, theatre groups can start looking at more worthy performance pieces like big budget musical comedies!

And my local community centre, Bukit Gorblok CC, has just announced that they have adopted the Confectionary Stage, a local theatre troupe who specialises in pieces devoted to local food.

You may remember that The Confectionary Stage first came into prominence with plays like "Gas Burners Never Go Out", "Still Cooking" and "This Wok and Others".

Bukit Gorblok CC Chairman Mr. Boh Lang Lye said that he was looking forward to a very fruitful relationship with the Confectionary Stage.

"We see a lot of synergies with the Confectionary Stage," said Mr. Boh. "What we can give them is a roof over their head, while what they can bring to us is rent."

As for artistic tie-ups, Mr. Boh believes they will be a valuable addition to the CC's range of activities.

"I don't think they can ever overtake our Wednesday karaoke cum tombola night," said Mr. Boh. "But they should do better than our senior citizen silat sessions."

Confectionary Stage artistic director Melvin Tang said that they were already planning a theatre season for Bukit Gorblok residents.

"We're going to start with an experimental piece about searching for the magic ingredient that adds piquancy to our lives," said Mr. Tang. "We're calling it 'Soy Source'.  We hope it will make residents acquire a taste for theatre." 

Residents have expressed a cautious welcome, with some initial misgivings.

"Piang eh," said CC line dancing lesson regular Teow Boo Leow, 65, "You mean they go and ask these keng cheo kia to come and wayang, instead of listening to us and starting a paikow KTV launge?"

But Mr. Teow changed his tune when he heard that there might be actresses wandering in and out of the CC.

"Ho say ah," he said. "Now no need to stare at all these lao ah mms and their dried up papayas."

As you can see, the arts is already enriching the community!

- Artie
Ars longa, vita brevis
(the longer the arse, the more vital the briefs)

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this story by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

12 February 2001

At last we have arrived!

I'm sure all of you who saw the spectacle that was Chingay 2001 must have agreed that we're on our way to joining Carnaval and Mardi Gras as world class parades.

Over 4000 performers, from all over the world (including places as far flung as Tahiti and Russia) took part.

And the colours, and the costumes, and the dances.

I'm sure you must have found it all an exhilarating experience.

I wouldn't know myself, since I didn't see one second of it, even though I was in the vicinity of City Hall.

I was too busy felching some NSFs somewhere near UOB plaza.

But you know, don't feel bad for me that I missed the parade itself.  

People go to parades for their own reasons, and I never miss Chingay because it means there are all these NSFs around. I luuuuurrrve a man in uniform!

And the camouflage helps too, when you need to tumble in the landscaping around Raffles Place.

It's really so easy! All I have to do is pretend I'm the choreographer of one of the contingents and tell them that their OC has asked me to get them to help me move my log into place.

Which isn't a lie if you really think about it!

And I don't feel bad.  After all, their superiors make them do this sort of thing all the time when they're in-camp.  (Well, at least symbolically anyway.)

And I mean, someone has to justify the "gay" in "Chingay", right? 

And anyway, everybody knows it's really the sex that actually makes Mardi Gras and Carnaval so popular.

So you might say I'm just doing my bit to help my country make Chingay the world class event they want it to be!

I'm standing up... for Singapore!

- Artie

5 February 2001

It's official! Action Theatre's Chang and Eng: The Musical is Singapore's longest running musical, which has drawn in thousands of audience members.

And now, the National Arts Council is exhorting Singapore's playwrights to follow Chang and Eng's stellar lead.

But what is it about Chang and Eng that attracts bums on seats? Some people have attributed this to its clever script, catchy songs, and savvy staging. But many other plays have these qualities as well.  What is it about Chang and Eng that sets it apart?

I asked the NAC's in-house musical critic, Mr. Songha Singh and his answer was simple, "Freaks."

"Music, script, direction," said Mr. Singh. "All these things are standard.  What people have gone to see in Change and Eng are two guys joined at the stomach who also managed to pok two sisters. Amazing stuff!"

It is this x-factor that the NAC wants reproduced.

"Asia has a lot of other freaks whose stories cry out for musical treatment," Mr. Singh continued. "Just walking around Bukit Gorblok Town Centre, you can see so many subjects."

Already, some theatre companies have taken up the challenge, with the following musical projects currently in development:

And Action Theatre themselves are not about to let their lead be eroded.

"Action Theatre is currently petitioning us to allow an R(A) version which shows Chang and Eng getting it on with their wives," said Mr. Singh. "Before we make a decision, we intend to review the rehearsals over and over to ensure that it is tastefully done."

- Artie

29 January 2001

Hello, duckies!

This week, I'm completely bowled over by... Nothing!

That's "Nothing", this absolutely stunning and thought-provoking piece of drama by local theatre group, Theatre Bull.

The entire performance resonated with the rigorous meditation that Theatre Bull espouses, i.e. the plot was all about this meditator sitting down and, well, meditating. (As meditators are wont to do.)

According to Theatre Bull director/writer/actor/gopher Kong Jee Low, "Nothing" is about "connecting with the emptiness and vacancy that exists at the core of universal void".

I must say that in the many years that I have been an art critic, I have never found a play whose performance is so powerfully demonstrative of its title and concept.

For I went in expecting to experience Nothing, and what I saw and heard was Nothing. 

Nothing touched me deeply, and I found Nothing to be interesting and memorable.

And when I emerged from the darkened theatre of the De LaSoul/SilkAir School, I was absolutely convinced of Nothing and that Theatre Bull's performance was full of Nothing.

For me, the most riveting moment was watching Mr. Kong, sitting motionless on the stage. 

And it was riveting, because what filled my mind was, "Is he riveted to the stage or what? Why isn't he moving?"

Then I realized, that what he was doing, was literally, Nothing.

After the performance, I spoke to Mr. Kong, who'd just come back from two years with the world famous Grossoutski Work Centre in Pepperoni, Italy.

When I asked him what he did there, he simply replied, "Nothing," which I surmised to mean that he had workshopped the play extensively there.

"The ang-mors all thought that theatre should consist of doing something, in aid of something," said Mr. Kong. "But that sounded like too much work, especially in view of the kucing-kurap grant the NAC gave me."

"So I used my brain a bit, and cooked up this thing about making something out of nothing, and how purposely doing nothing was actually doing something," Mr. Kong continued. 

"And then I anyhow whack, said that there's something about this in Chinese philosophy, when actually there's nothing. But you know ang mors lah, once you invoke Eastern philosophy, then anything also can," he smiled.

"So let me get this straight," I said to Mr. Kong. "You made them think that nothing was about something when it wasn't about anything?"

He nodded.  At which point, I felt I had to take several Panadol.

I think that Mr. Kong's work will have a profound impact on Singapore art. Already, Nothing is slated to be performed at the Singapore Arts Festival. (Some wags have churlishly said that Nothing already takes place every year there. But I digress.)

What I believe that people will take away after seeing this piece of work, is that in Singapore, it's possible to get money for Nothing.

And Nothing is wrong with that!

- Artie

10 January 2001

Hello, art aficionados!

'Tis I, Artie Fatt, back again with more musings about the finer things in life.

And I must say that No Art Day certainly gave me the necessary space to muse on what art means to me. (Not to mention the opportunity to finally clean up my room.)

And what were the conclusions I came to?

Just what would my life be like if there was no art in Singapore?

Well, I guess for starters, I would be unemployed.

(Which isn't such a bad thing, considering that my mother already thinks that.)

Singaporeans would not be watching plays, they'd be watching VCDs of Hollywood and Hong Kong blockbusters.  

And they wouldn't be enjoying classical performances, they'd be listening to Class 95 FM.  

And they wouldn't be admiring avant garde dance performances, they'd be singing karaoke.

And they wouldn't be reading Proust, they'd be reading local ghost stories!

Isn't it a simply awful scenario? Absolutely nothing like the culturally rich society that Singapore is now, thanks to our arts!

So we must definitely support the arts in Singapore, and in a direct, positive way!

And I think the best way to do so is for the government to make every single citizen donate 20% of their income to a central arts fund, just like the CPF.

It'll be called the Funding Art Resource Trust, and the money will go towards financing important artistic works, like more plays about homosexuals, for instance, or more Singapore River scenes.

Don't you think every citizen would be thrilled about actively participating in the support of the arts in this way?

So write to your MP and tell him that you want to start a F.A.R.T. today!

- Artie

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000.  All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this story by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)