Kanebu Chai Chee Bye
by Lau Cheow and K. K. Cheow

The Kanebu cosmetics factory in Kampong Chai Chee finally closed its doors today in a ceremony attended by 100 retrenched staff.

"Obviously, we're saddened by this passing of an era," said Mrs. Nina Baey, chief executive officer of Kanebu (Singapore).  "For decades, Kanebu Cosmetics has been providing Singapore women with affordable, quality makeup."

However, as Mrs. Baey explained, globalization, rising costs and growing affluence in Singapore has led to a steady erosion in their market share.

"Now we got so many other sophisticated brands coming into Singapore, from Paris, from England and America," said Mrs. Baey. "And they also have much deeper marketing budgets. Some more, Singaporeans' tastes are getting more atas."

Headquartered in Japan, Kanebu Cosmetics was one of the first overseas cosmetics companies to locate their manufacturing arm in Singapore rather than just importing their products.

The vagaries of Japan's economy has also hit Kanebu Japan, who have been forced to diversify their product lines.

For example, their flagship factory in Chiba prefecture, where Tokyo Disneyland is located, now also sells dog food and has been spun off into a stand-alone subsidiary called Kanebu Chow Chiba.

This is not entirely the end of Kanebu in Singapore, though. Mrs. Baey revealed that plans are afoot to revamp the moribund brand, including a new name.

"The name has come to be a big factor," confessed Mrs. Baey. "It has always been the subject of jokes in Singapore, even though in Japanese it is completely innocent.  We now intend to change people's impressions of our product."

"Kanebu intends to open a series of upscale cosmetics boutiques next year," announced Mrs. Baey. "Under the new name 'Tiu Le L'omo", which we feel will be less prone to being misconstrued."

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Avoid Shares with Suay Names: Analyst
by Kok Sah Ker 

A stock market analyst has issued a caution against shares with funny names, which he believes can have a negative impact on their performance in the market. 

The recent slide in the share prices of Ossia International, a tech firm listed on the SGX Mainboard, could have been anticipated if investors had paid attention to crucial data and minute details, like the name of the company, he says. 

"Analysis like this can be very complex, but experts like me can help," said Mr Ho Cheung Hei, 17, a senior analyst with Salahman-Sniff Blarney (corporate slogan: Putting The 'Anal' In 'Analysis'). "The theory was first postulated by a brilliant local Cantonese analyst at this firm, namely me." 

The word "Ossia", Ho explained, is phonetically similar to the Cantonese phrase Or See Ah. "As anyone who has eaten too much Dim Sum and had to go to the toilet at the restaurant knows, Or See Ah means, literally, 'to take a dump'. Sure enough, around the time I noticed this, investors began to dump the stock. Furthermore, the performance of the share since then has been like shit." 

From a 52-week closing high of $1.12, Ossia slumped to a low of $0.29 within weeks. Since then, Ho believes the firm should rename itself Lyessia International, to be more in tune with its market performance. Phonetically, this would bring it closer to the Cantonese term Lai See Ah, which means "to dump uncontrollably". 

Retail investors have also begun to catch on to the correlation between a company name and its stock market performance. Mr Lim Peh, a newcomer to the stock market, recently had cause to rue his purchase of shares in MediaRing.com, another tech stock that has made its investors want to cry. 

"My chewrens advised me to re-examine my investment portfolio. Stop putting your money in 4D and Toto, they said, and buy shares, sure pow ka leow," the retiree and part-time columnist explained. "So I bought MediaRing. Haiyah! Now become Mee Goreng!" 

The stock traded at $0.30 yesterday, steadily down from its closing high of $2.01 earlier this year, when Mr Lim bought into it. 

Salahman's Ho agrees strongly with Mr Lim's careful explication of the cause. "You see, 'MediaRing' sounds too much like 'Mee Goreng'. And as everybody knows, a packet of Mee Goreng is damn cheap. In my view, he sounds like a very astute investor, at least in hindsight," said Mr Ho. 

Small consolation for Mr Lim, however. "If only I hadn't listed to my chewrens, who picked the share for me," he moaned. "The share price has dropped faster than my pants when I visit Geylang. How come it cannot go up? Even my old kukucheow can go up! You want to see?" 

Mr Lim will now think twice about any share he plans to invest in, and intends to research each decision carefully, by reading the prospective company's name aloud several times. 

"At least I learned two things from my experience," the long-winded old man remarked. "First, be very selective in your choice of shares. The stock market is not for fools. Second, my chewrens, who got me into this mess in the first place, are all damn stupid." 

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Today To Hit The Streets Tomorrow
SPECIAL MEDIA REPORT by Coq Au Vin

Today, MediaCorp's first venture into the world of paper journalism, will be launched Tomorrow, leading to instant confusion among members of the reading public. 

The announcement was made Yesterday, increasing the confusion as press releases clarified that while plans for Today were settled as far back as Last Quarter, the actual premier issue would not be distributed until The Day After, and The Other Day's plans were scrapped. 

The 48-page paper will be distributed free outside and inside MRT stations, bus interchanges and 7-11s, the last of which are open Around The Clock but will not be distributing Today Tomorrow but The Week After.

There will, however, be no edition on Sunday, which is neither Today nor Tomorrow nor even Yesterday.

Trying to compute the permutations of this, a New Paper reporter's brains exploded during the press conference. There was a muted round of applause. 

"I coined a term called 'Quali-Pop'- quality with a touch of the popular. I don't think there's any product in Singapore that does that. And that, to me, I feel, is going to be the winning formula," said P N Balji, Chief Executive Officer of Today. 

Following the statement, several corporations said that they, too, would be acquiring "Quali-Pop". A leading pots and pans manufacturer, Wok Around The Clock Pte (S) Ltd, announced that research was beginning immediately on how to make a kwali pop very well. 

"We're thinking of sub-contracting to Chartered Industries," said a spokesman, "Maybe use a little C-4 plastic explosive." 

"Because, by God," he added, "If Singaporeans are going to have kwali pop, we're going to make a kwali pop WELL." 

Said member of the public Lau Ah Pek, who got to see a trial copy of Today released Last Week, "Today's trial paper has a lot of quality to it. It's got a good quality feel and it's also quite supple and if you stick two pages together it's almost as good as two-ply. The soft quality of the pages will make it very popular with the public. And the best part is, they're handing it out free."

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Advertisers Agree: Ang-Mor Sai Tastes Better
special marketing report by K.K. Cheow

Having commented recently that Singaporeans prefer the use of non-Asians and "pan-Asians" ("chap cheng") in advertising campaigns, a number of top advertising and marketing executives were invited by Talking Cock to participate in a tasting of international stool samples.

Mr. Jordan Oh, who masterminded the use of a pair of Caucasian triplets in a campaign for a major Hong Kong retailer, commented as he nibbled on a sample from Paris, "Singaporean stools have a very robust taste.  There is a top note of belacan, with an undercurrent of soy sauce, maybe a stirring of soy beans. They are certainly not unattractive... it's just that Europeans and Americans have developed far more sophisticated products."

Ms. Gwynetta Ong-Pinkerton, P.R. liaison for Harris Barr Advertising, agreed. "I think it's because the Caucasians have been producing stools for a lot longer, and therefore have had more practice at it. Asian stools still have a long way to go."

Swilling an American nugget in her mouth, Ms. Ong-Pinkerton cited Harris Barr Advertising's frequent use of burly Australian surfers in their very successful ads for Lion Beer as an example. "The decision to use Caucasians to market beer was part of a deliberate branding strategy.  When you drink Lion Beer, you get shit-faced. And Caucasian shit is much tastier.  Hence, we decided to meld the two elements together to generate an association."

"I'm not sure that Caucasian shit is that much tastier," said Mr. Matt Salleh of Faatchi and Faatchi Advertising, chewing on a pellet from Japan.  "I think there's a lot of projecting of aspirations going on.  We want to live the glamourous lifestyles of the Westerners, and so when we eat their shit, we instinctively think they're superior."

Sniffing a sample from New Zealand, Mr. Salleh continued, "You can see it in how we rank Caucasian stools.  It's always based on how mature their markets and product development are.  So French, Italian and Spanish shit is top of the rank, followed by the Californians, and now bringing up the rear, newcomers like the Australians, South Africans and New Zealand."

Mr. Jordan Oh nodded in assent as he gargled a cup from Argentina. "The people we have to watch are the South Americans: for example, Chilean shit, with its spicy top notes, has much to recommend it.  I think Asians need to do more R & D, and let their products mature more."

And what of the criticism that they weren't giving local stools enough support or exposure? The executives were unanimous: it's important for locals to undergo global competition, to ensure that the products meet world standards.

"We must hold it in, and release the product only when it's good and ready. We must resist the temptation to jump the gun," Ms. Ong-Pinkerton chuckled as she reached for a glistening stool from the Napa Valley. "With a few strategic pushes, I really think it's just a matter of time before we will chia'h less ang-mor sai, and chia'h more local sai."

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Singapore Bankers Follow DPM's Advice and Begin Merging
by K. K. Cheow

Right on the heels of  Deputy Prime Minister BG Lee Hsien Loong's exhortation at a conference in Basle, Switzerland that Singapore bankers should actively pursue foreign mergers, a group of local bankers has announced a bold initiative.

At a packed press conference in Shenton Way yesterday, Mr. Gyro Peh of DBS announced, "Obviously such a policy will be a momentous shift for our banking practice.  So we're going to be adopting an incremental approach to foreign mergers. One banker at a time."

Mr. Peh motioned a nervous-looking young man forward to the podium.

"This is Boh Looi Leow, a DBS scholar who has just returned from Cambridge," said Mr. Peh, patting Mr. Boh's head. "He will be merging with Chip Bluestock of CitiChase Bank of New York.  They will start off as just being handcuffed together, but as time goes on, and as they share in the same experiences, eat the same food, attend the same events, sleep in the same bed, we believe they will become one seamless entity."

"Obviously there will be some teething problems," smiled Mr. Peh at a young lady who was scowling in the front row. "But like Looi Leow's fiancée over there, we must be willing to keep an eye on the big picture of our nation's economic prosperity and not be obsessed with minor irritations."

Next to step up to the rostrum was UOB Vice-President of New Banking Initiatives Mr. Chin Chuay Lui.  "UOB will also be grooming a batch of new executives to be merged with affiliates in major banking centres round the world.  While we will also start off handcuffing executives together, in time we hope to leverage our investments in biotechnology to begin actual grafting and transference of cells and tissue to form an actual humanoid, synthesized from two separate persons. Only then will there be true merger."

OUB Executive Director of Business Expansion Mr. Jimmy Yeo Mun Ee closed the conference by affirming, "We are 100% behind mergers with foreign bankers.  We see not only potential growth in business and influence, but also significant savings in manpower costs.  After all, with complete merger, we will have only half the number of bankers, conducting double the amount of work."

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A revolutionary new way to manage numerical data with your handphone or PDA has been launched by Paikow Software, an Internet startup based in Hougang.

Called 4D.com.sg, it allows users to enter, via a WAP-enabled device, numbers at the touch of a few buttons and connect them to services on the Internet.

"In the past, it was difficult for users to remember favourite numerical combinations long enough. Now, with this new service, as soon as you see a number you want, you can store it in your handphone for later use. It will also rearrange and cross-reference them for you," revealed Kong Chiau Weh, VP Marketing at Paikow. "You can send it to people. A e-mail and alert service, and a community web-site to share numbers and discussion are also part of the basic package."

"The uses for this technology are limitless," said See Teow Jee, CTO of Paikow, "Pagers and handphones every Ah Tong Ah Seng basically also got. But they have little memory or intelligence, and cannot leverage the seamless interaction, content and community, which is what the Internet is all about."

Elaborating on potential applications, he said "OK, maybe you witness an accident and you want to note down the license plate of the victim or offender right away, you can use Internet technology to do so. You can also quickly share this info with friends and business partners. It is also good for you to remember friend's birthdays, dates and exchange other numerical data regarding football scores and so on."

Commenting on strategic partners, Mr.Kong said that a content swap deal with MahPiuPoh.com for tips on usage, advice and streaming headlines was being planned.

"MahPiuPoh.com sees us as technology partners to help them enter the new economy, reposition its traditional media assets, and open up new revenue streams," he added.

When asked about privacy and security, Mr.See said that their Internet servers use state of the art encryption and redundancy technology and are protected against raids by intruders. "We use CISCO equipment, and have invested in other sophisticated digital alert systems to warn us of people who try to break in. Even if that happens, we have backdoor systems to help us escape and ensure data integrity."

On his core technology, Mr.See explained, "We call this 4D technology, because it takes WAP users to a new dimension beyond the usual three. The next one is people are now able to leverage the Internet to manage numbers for e-commerce." However, because of non-disclosure arrangements and conflicts of interests with partners, he declined to go into details.

When pressed on this point, Mr.Giam Siap Kwee, a VC from Tai Seng Ventures, who is backing Paikow, was very optimistic and said, "Their business model is solid. It will make money for me - I mean, for many people." 

Already bundled into the basic service are e-commerce enablers such as a transaction engine and interfacing with a payment gateway.

"Credit cards are OK, but we prefer cold hard cash because of the possibility of fraud," said Mr.Kong. Rebutting the claim that cash was not high-tech, he said that it was a common business practice at his former place of employment, Sim Lim Square, Singapore's busiest high-tech mall, to take cash only. 

Last week it was also revealed that Paikow was in talks with a Government agency based in Woodlands to integrate their services. 

"We are focusing on third party e-commerce partners. But, this is Singapore, so have to work with gah-men what," said Mr.Giam, defending Paikow's business practices. 

Earlier this week, Tai Seng Ventures admitted that another of its investees, Paikia.com, a sister company of Paikow.com, was one of the third parties that will be handling outsourced sales and collection operations.

Mr. Samuel Seng, CEO of Paikia.com, explained his market positioning, "We are a financial services portal, and we leverage our connections to provide financing assistance to all our customers at competitive market rates. Viral marketing is very important. We have already signed up NTUC Comfort to be our main marketing partners as this is a word-of-mouth branding issue. We intend to give one 4D handphone free to all our customers in exchange for a long-term service agreement." 

Asked about quality of service issues, Mr.Seng replied, "With regards to this agreement, our customer service reps will be happy to meet and discuss financial matters with our users. Our Paikia people work in teams and can even visit their homes or family. We have quite a reputation in the market. We will put contracts in place to ensure that we can collect revenues. People know that this one is a sure killer app."

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Singaporean Firms Look Forward to More Business with China As It Joins the WTO - Really
by K.K. Cheow

Once China joins the World Trade Organization, Singaporean firms can look forward to more trading and investment opportunities with Chinese businesspeople.

Said Mr. Yu Pianren, Deputy Chairman of the Chinese Bureau of Transnational Commerce yesterday, "The dynamic business relations that Singaporeans currently enjoy with the People's Republic will be expanded a hundredfold."

Mr. Ho Sim Ah, president of the Singapore-Chinese Business Relations Promotion Board, vigorously agreed. 

"For example," said Mr. Ho, "As in the past, Singaporeans will be given a chance to invest in prime real estate developments in trendy, upcoming commercial hubs. Such as Urumqi and the Uighur Autonomous Region, where broadband facilities and full telecommunications service are already enjoyed by the quaint nomadic tribes that give the area its local colour.  New trendy tropical resort and time-share facilities are also being planned for Harbin - which is going to be the next hot market, I tell you!"

Mr. Yu has also said that the often difficult legal tussles between Singapore businesses and Chinese businesses will be made much easier with access to the WTO dispute resolution process.

"In the past, the difference in legal systems, and rules of procedure and evidence made litigation between Singapore and China virtually impossible," said Mr. Yu with a smile.  "Now all aggrieved Singaporean firms have to do is persuade the Singapore government to haul the People's Republic before a WTO arbitral panel. Simplicity itself!"

"We also promise not to undermine joint venture projects with Singaporeans by building competing facilities just a few miles down the road and engaging in undercutting," Mr. Yu emphasized, raising two fingers in the air. "Scout's, or should I say, Revolutionary Guard's honour."

"Whoopee," mumbled a Singapore businessman on hearing the news. "That really puts my mind at ease."