Singapore Girl, European Man Expect Free Trade Agreement by End of Happy Hour
by Pak Cham Kai

A free trade agreement between a Singapore girl and a European man could be concluded as soon as the end of happy hour, concluded senior officials from Barry's Bar and Lounge at Boat Quay.

The Singapore girl, Miss Chuay Pek Lang, a sales executive with Pinkerton Holdings, and the European man, Mr. Justin Tubonkke, a relationship manager at ABN Angmor Bank, began negotiations early in the evening.

There was reportedly a heated discussion over sensitive areas, mostly Miss Chuay's. However, Mr. Tubonkke has stated that he believes they can be overcome.

"Miss Chuay wants to impose large tariffs for access to her goods," said Mr. Quah Mah Kiat, a senior analyst with Accidenture Consulting, as he ordered another bowl of peanuts to go with his vodka lime. 

"No doubt because she still perceives herself as a fledgling player, and thus subject to significant international market inequities."

"However," said Mr. Quah. "Mr. Tubonkke, as a seasoned European trader, is much more partial to the free trade argument and has been pressing the argument that unless Miss Chuay spreads her markets wide open for his imports, he could easily take his goods to friendlier ports."

"I should stress, however," munched Mr. Quah. "That they're not as far apart as they might seem, and are likely to finalise a Memorandum of Understanding wherein she will act as a hub for his expanding business in Singapore, and where he agrees to inject, uh, cash into her economy."

"What will speed up the deal," he concluded as he finished his drink. "Is another round of scotch."

Property Developer's Mother Accuses Son of Treating Home Like a Hotel
by K.K. Cheow

Major hospitality property developer Hilton Ho was yesterday publicly accused by his mother of treating the family home like a hotel.

Said Madam Ana Ho, "My son, hor, so busy, everyday come home and go straight to his room to sleep only. Never come and say hello to me. And now he's getting even worse."

According to Madam Ho, Hilton dropped his keys into their letter box when he went off last week on a two-day business trip to Kelantan. 

And also left behind a dry-cleaning list.

"I cannot take it," sobbed Madam Ho. "The other day, from his room, he phoned me up and asked whether I could bring a plate of char kway teow and a club sandwich up to his room!"

"I think it's some sort of belated rebellion against his father," she continued, blowing her nose into a Kleenex.

Madam Ho is the widow of late hotelier Datuk Ho Hai Yatt, who was well known for transforming ageing hotel developments into residential apartments.

TalkingCock.com managed to contact Mr. Ho on his mobile phone as he was driving to the airport and asked for his reaction to his mother's accusations.

"Aiyah," he exclaimed. "She always overreacts. Just because I have no time to sit down and play chap ji kee with her, she thinks I'm neglecting her! I'm si beh busy, you know!"

Mr. Ho is presently busy trying to convert the Casa Bukit Gorblok condominium development into a Parisian-style boutique hotel called "Hotel du Gorbloque".

But Madam Ho's rejoinder was that Hilton's actions went further than mere neglect.

"Look!" she exclaimed, "He gets Ahmad, our chauffer to wear white gloves and a feathered turban when he opens the door.  And he even got the corner mama shop to start calling itself a drug store. But the worst thing of all..."

At this moment, Madam Ho broke down completely and took a few minutes to regain her composure.  Her other children, son Cairnhill and daughter Melia, comforted her.

"Is that the si noong kia steals the towels," she sniffed.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Singapore Stock Brokerages Turn SPG To Survive
by Pak Cham Kai

Singapore stock brokerages have a bold new strategy to deal with foreign houses who are now allowed to trade directly in Singapore securities and derivatives without using local intermediaries.

Previously, foreign brokers without a seat on the local exchange had to go through local brokers who are exchange members. They generated an estimated 25 per cent of the total market volume.  

However, in the wake of liberalisation measures accompanying the 1999 merger between the Stock Exchange of Singapore and the Singapore International Monetary Exchange to form the Singapore Exchange (SGX), local brokerages now face competition from international giants like Morgan Stanley Dean Witter, Salomon Smith Barney and Merrill Lynch.

Local brokers took a further blow when liquidity fell and commissions were slashed last year.

"We were struggling to find parties who had significant success in engaging the influx of foreigners into our markets," said UOB Securities spokesman Por Ang Mor. "And we found that the most successful parties were sarong parties."

"It's clear. To enhance market share and presence, we have no choice but to enter into merger with foreigners," said Mr. Por, noting OCBC Securities acquisition of UBS Warburg's retail broking arm.

Some houses decry the move.

Said a spokesperson for family-run firm KG Koh Securities, "What pride will we have left, just playing the mere accessories of ya ya gwai lohs?"

However, others saw the trend as inevitable and urged a more positive spin on things.

"Like with real sarong party girls," said a spokesman for government-owned Kickus Bollas, "It only looks like you're being screwed, when actually what you're doing is gaining access to their assets. So just lie back and think of the profits."

In order to present themselves as attractive merger targets, local brokers are now encouraged to adopt short skirts (preferably in batik print), long, straight hair and deep suntans.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Towkay Attributes Success to Research, GROs
by Pak Cham Kai

Behind every successful man, there is a woman, so the saying goes. But for Towkay of the Year Mr. Choe Seng Lee, there is often a woman in front of him too.

Mr. Choe, the CEO of Exim-Impex Import Export (S) Pte Ltd, won the title of Towkay of the Year at last night's Chinese Import-Export Businessman's Guild annual linner and lumce.

During his acceptance speech, he revealed the secrets of his success.

"People always think when a businessman succeeds, it's a one man show," said Mr. Choe. "Acherly, it's often a one-man, one-woman show, sometimes a one-woman, two-man show, and for big deals, even a two-woman one-man show."

"Business is a team effort, one," said Mr. Choe, graciously. "And I owe a lot of it to my fine team at Platinum Arowana 88 KTV Launge at Geylang Lorong 69.  Especially Candy, Kitty and Nancy. And of course, Mummy."

Clearly one of the main reasons for Mr. Choe being awarded the title was the clinching of a major distribution deal with Indonesian manufacturing giant P.T. Ucansellifyouwantoe.

Mr. Choe generously revealed the strategy he employed, and the difficulties he faced. Ultimately, he attributes the successful negotiations to two things: research, and the Platinum Arowana 88 team.

"I had to research what the Indonesian CEO wanted in a launge GRO," said Mr. Choe. "What size cup, long hair or short hair, fair or dark.  Then I made sure Mummy found somebody to fit the bill. He see her oreddy, immee'ly he toi-oi-oi-oi-oing."

Still, the contract negotiations were not that simple.

"It needed several bottles of X.O., and even several rounds of 'Unchained Melody'," said Mr. Choe, to audible gasps from the audience. "At one point, he even wanted to sing 'Wo Wo Yeh Yeh (Love You More Than I Can Say)'."

"The most kan cheong part for me," continued Mr. Choe. "was when he began to notice that his GRO got an Adam's apple and a thin moustache. Luckily, the GRO quickly stuffed his, I mean, her neh neh poks in his face."

During the question and answer session, a guildmember said that many Chinese businessmen also employed GROs to facilitate negotiations.  However, he wanted to know what made Mr. Choe's strategy so exceptional.

"Take photos," replied Mr. Choe, flashing a gold-toothed grin. "And then threaten to show his wife."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Husband Relaxes Rules on Singdollar Spending
by Pak Cham Kai

Mr. Boh Lui Leow, 56, announced yesterday that it was loosening his hold on his Singapore dollars to enable his wife Mrs. Boh Pai Say, 24, to spend them freely on consumer items, loose commodities, and professional services.

Similar to the Monetary Authority of Singapore's relaxation on Singdollar spending, Mr. Boh's move is aimed at boosting his status as a financial centre.

With the changes, former air stewardess Mrs. Boh can now purchase designer handbags, tiny but exquisitely-priced bottles of perfume and facials at chi-chi hotel salons.  She was not allowed to do so for several months.

"Previously I had to follow a policy of strict fiscal restraint," said Mr. Boh. "Especially in the wake of what has come to be known as 'the slot machine incident at the Cricket Club'."

"This latest cutback in monetary regulation is aimed at discouraging any speculative manoeuvres by those who do not have our best interests at heart," said Mr. Boh, responding to market rumours about a possible hostile takeover of Mrs. Boh by Malaysian palm oil tycoon Datuk Chin Chuay Yew, 92.

"I intend to actively discourage my wife's participation in any offshore market investments which could compromise our marital policy," continued Mr. Boh.

Mrs. Boh sounded a cautious welcome to Mr. Boh's liberalisation of fiscal control.

"I applaud my husband's elimination of this regulatory hurdle," said Mrs. Boh. "However, there is still some way to go.  That I can only spend in Singapore currency inhibits my ability to participate in international consumerist markets."

To gauge the effectiveness of the policy, Mrs. Boh has put on hold discussions for a possible merger with or acquisition by Indonesian real estate mogul Richie Spenditallifyouwanto.

Analysts agreed yesterday that the changes would cement Mr. Boh's position in the short run, but that its long term impact would be hard to predict.

JP Moron's head of family investment Mr. Mike Kiam said that there was no certainty, as other factors might determine how Mrs. Boh performs.

BNP Pubor Securities senior economist Mr. Kenny Nair agreed, stating that a better move for Mr. Boh might be to divest himself of his controlling interest in karaoke lounges.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this story by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Diaper Stocks Soar Ahead of New 'A' Level Syllabus
by Phang Kway Sai

As Singaporean students face uncharted territory in the form of a new 'A' level syllabus, speculators have driven up the stock prices of the local arms of diaper giants Procter and Gamble (the manufacturers of Pampers) and Kimberly-Clark Corp. (the manufacturers of Huggies).

"We fully anticipate massive rises in the sales of our line of adolescent sanitary products," said P&G spokesman Mr. Chit Kah Chng.

Kimberly-Clark regional representative Ms. Phang Chow Pooi agreed. "Our market research has indicated that there will be a noticeable increase in incontinence and irritable bowel syndrome amongst junior college students as a result of the new 'A' level syllabus."

The diaper giants will be unveiling a new line of products designed to help students when the inevitable soiling of their underwear happens.

Mr. Chit gave a demonstration of their prototype "Turtle's Head" teen diaper using a blue solution in place of urine.

"You see?" said Mr. Chit with a flourish. "Our stay-dry lining soaks it all up, so students can feel totally comfortable peeing in their pants!"

"Marketing will present some challenges," admits Ms. Phang. "But we feel our strategy will prevail.  We've just hired Britney Spears to perform a special version of her hit 'Oops! I Did It Again'."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

New Corporate Governance Code Won't Apply to Singapore Inc.
by Quah Kwa Cheow

Singaporeans have long been told to regard the country as "Singapore Inc.", a nimble company accountable to shareholders who share in its success, rather than a ponderous and monolithic country.

The analogy has seemed apt in many cases, such as the fact that where other countries have newspapers, we are blessed with newsletters, and that criticism of corporate policy is dissuaded lest it interfere with our overseas branding and marketing initiatives.

However, the analogy cannot work across the board, said Mr. Suka bin Sukarman of the Ministry of Warty Amphibians, especially in the wake of the newly-proposed Code of Corporate Governance.

"To echo Chairman Koh Boon Hwee of the Corporate Governance Committee," continued Mr. Sukarman, alluding to the government-initiated but privately-led panel which proposed the Code. "While we can subscribe to good corporate governance, we don't want to miss the spirit behind it.  Which is that it's for companies, not countries."

"Got it?" said Mr. Sukarman. "Code applies to companies, NOT countries. Singapore Inc. is also a country, even though it's called 'Inc', and, um, sometimes it's also a company even though it isn't.  Really.  Sometimes."

"So ini Code tak pakai to Singapore Inc. one," reiterated Mr. Sukarman, waggling his finger. "Even though we're sometimes a corporation. Who is sometimes a country, even though we're sometimes a corporation too. Sometimes. Just not when it comes to being a country."

The press conference ended when Mr. Sukarman's head exploded all over the shop.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this story by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

The Asia-Pacific Ecoomic Cooperation (Apec) secretariat revealed yesterday that plans are afoot to conclude the region's first Free Trade Agreement (FTA).  From 1 January 2010, old men will be freely traded between the Pacific Rim economies.

The radical idea, unsurprisingly, comes from Singapore.

"Singapore Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong has always been an enthusiastic proponent of free trade," said Prime Minister's Office spokesman Lee Kong Eh. "And at the recent Bandar Seri Begawan summit, he pushed very hard for a region-wide free trade pact that will include all 21 Apec members."

According to Mr. Lee, the choice to start trading old men is an obvious one, even if it seems curious at first blush. 

This is because of the large regional traffic in old men that already exists.

"Every week, we have Ah Peks from Singapore going to Batam and Haadyai, and we have rich Indonesian tycoons coming here. Some of our Ah Peks are already venturing into China to explore the bridal industry," said Mr. Lee.

Under the proposed FTA, tariffs will be eliminated for travel between signatory countries, as well as on the import and export of senior citizen-related goods.

The Ah Pek business is a large and diverse one, with many ancillary opportunities.  

Ah Peks account for millions every year in the travel, hospitality and massage industry revenues.

Drug companies are also keen to get involved, notably the manufacturers of Viagra.

"We even see the Ah Pek FTA boosting the incontinence pants industry," said Mr. Lau Jio Leow, CEO of Sheeshee Diapers Asia. "I hope Apec really passes it, and that they're not just taking the piss out of us."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this story by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Rise in Singapore's Overseas Phone Calls Traced to Chee Ko Pek
by Ai Kio Kway

The Infocomm Development Authority of Singapore (IDAS) reported yesterday that the number of Singapore's overseas phone calls hit an all time high last quarter - and it's all due to Mr. Chin Lah Sup. 

"Our outgoing calls have been steadily rising through the year," said IDAS spokesman Siang Kah Wah.  "But last quarter, it shot up like nobody's business.  So we investigated, and found it was Mr. Chin."

Apparently, Mr. Chin, 78, has been spending every waking moment calling dial-a-porn sex hotlines overseas, chalking up a staggering 20,000 hours.

"I found all these hot-hot magazines under my grandson's mattress," explained Mr. Chin. "They got all these advertisements at the back.  So I call, lor.  Si beh sio, one."

Some of the porn hotline ads to which Mr. Chin responded include "Women On Top!", "Spank Me, You Stud!" and "Thai Ladyboys Heat Up Your Tom Yum!"

"We're very glad we detected the source of the anomalous rise," said the IDAS' Mr. Siang.  "It would have thrown all our stats off for months.  We must take measures to ensure that people cannot cause this sort of distortion in the future."

Accordingly, Mr. Chin's grandson has been charged for possession of obscene material, and has also been stuck with a $4.3m phone bill.

Mr. Chin has expressed regret at this, saying, "Now must go back to surfing the Internet oreddy.  My modem is si beh slow some more."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this story by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Cause of Singapore's Shrinking Money Supply Traced to Margarine Tin Under Auntie-Auntie's Bed
by Kway Chin Kwee 

The Monetary Authority of Singapore issued figures last week suggesting that money supply shrank last month.

"We had initially believed this was due to slower growth in demand deposits and a contraction in savings," said Mr. Lui Chao Leow, an economist with the MAS. "However, after rigorous analysis, we have found the real cause - Madam Chin Kiam Siap, 78, of Bukit Gorblok Street 24."

"Over the past fifty odd years or so," continued Mr. Lui. "Madam Chin has been hoarding cash in an empty Planta Margarine tin under her bed.  We estimate that she has about S$900m in cash in there, including some of those fifty-dollar notes with the see-through plastic centre that were released several years ago."

A small, wiry woman bent over with age, Madam Chin first came to Singapore when she was 11 from Kuala Lumpar.  Her family operated a provision shop in Jalan Sehala selling kiam chye (salted vegetables), which led many local wits to joke about the family's frugal ways.  

She took over the business when her father passed away, apparently due to a heart attack brought about by a customer asking for a discount.

"How you think the term 'kiam' came to mean 'stingy' in Hokkien?" asked Madam Chin as she spat out a ball of phlegm into a nearby drain. "It was all my family's doing."

According to a report released by MAS investigators, Madam Chin continued to maintain her family's reputation by living a very spartan lifestyle. 

Never married ("All men are koo byes who want to steal my money"), Madam Chin lives in a government-subsidized one room flat in Bukit Gorblok.  She survives on a meagre diet of kiam chye stir-fried with bread, just like her mother taught her to as a child: "ABC, kiam chye char loh ti".

Film taken from a concealed video camera showed Madam Chin literally pinching one cent coins, muttering about all the "si noong kias" who were trying to cheat her of her hard-earned money. 

After the closure of the kiam chye business, Madam Chin worked as an itinerant table cleaner at various hawker centres, where sympathetic Singaporeans gave her tips - now revealed to have accumulated into millions of dollars.

She has never placed the money in a bank account ("bankers are all koo byes! POSB stands for Put Only Savings Bye-bye!"), nor has she spent a cent, preferring to take whatever donations she gets.  Accordingly, her substantial earnings have never been recirculated back into society.

"It's amazing," said the MAS' Mr. Lui. "Who knows how many other parsimonious senior citizens are out there affecting the economy?"

When asked whether this could happen again, Mr. Lui replied, "Probably not, as no one makes such large margarine tins anymore, even Planta.  Nowadays, people buy margarine in small, plastic tubs which can't hold very much."