Business Archive 3

Singapore's Exposure To Japan Is Small
by Michael Bloombird

Analysts say that Singapore should not be too affected by the situation in Japan, as their exposure there is small.

According to Biggers Ballas analyst Ms. Quah Boh Lan, "The level that Singaporeans have exposed themselves to the Japanese is no more than three inches."

Mr. Lau Ter Koh of Dong & Co. agreed, saying, "It's really a very small issue. For instance, OUB reported that they had flashed Dai-Ichi Kangyo Bank only once last year, and it was a quick unzip, facilitated by a round of saké."

DBS Grope Holdings also stated that only a fraction of their assets had been exposed to Japan, when a financial manager inadvertently dropped his towel in a bath-house session with Sumitomo Bank."

Japanese officials confirm the low exposure levels.

"The level of interest by Singaporeans has, frankly, been flaccid," said Mr. Chinpo Chiisai, an analyst with Tokyo Taihen Hentai Investments. "Japanese observers have reported that the average Singapore participant has unveiled assets amounting to no more than a slice of sashimi. In fact, last quarter Sakura Bank tried to boost interest by rubbing it with wasabi, but it caused too much consternation in Singapore banks."

Analysts agree that the low levels of exposure are due to the unappealing current state of the Japanese.

"It does a get a bit sian when you expose your assets to them and their immediate response is to bow," concurred Mr. Hum Sup Loh of Hung Seng Bank. "It really drives down our interest rates."

However, most analysts do not rule out greater exposure when things improve.

"Sure," said Mr. Lau. "If it looks good to us, of course our things will start to perk up."

"Frankly," said Ms. Quah. "We believe our current difficulties with the Japanese situation is no more than a flash in the pants."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Lum Par Securities Acquired By Biggers Ballas
by Michael Bloombird

The recently deregulated Singapore brokerage scene was abuzz yesterday as Lum Par Holdings announced that it would be selling its securities division to listed brokerage Biggers Ballas.

Said Biggers Ballas Securities chairman Mr. Moh Khoo Cheow, "This merger will ensure that we are the most tua kee firm on the market."

Indeed, the combined entity, to be named Biggers Lum Par, has increased its market share to match nearest competitor OUB Kay Kiang, but far outstripping it in terms of assets.

Said Mr. Moh, "As befits the most tua kee firm on the market, our combined assets are also si beh tua liap."

However, Kay Kiang deputy vice president Mr. Kiew Chin Tang dismissed Mr. Moh's comments as "bollocks".

Mr. Kiew also sounded a note of caution about this rush to lead the pack: "This sort of growth is not very organic, and a rapid ascent led solely by profit squeezes can only lead to too early a peak. We believe firms should move in steady strokes rather than unsustainable bursts."

Mr. Moh disagreed, saying, "We believe having Lum Par in our pocket definitely enables us to swell our forces in order to achieve greater market penetration."

"Size isn't everything," retorted Mr. Kiew on hearing Mr. Moh's statement.

Mr. Moh in turn accused Mr. Kiew of "business envy".

In the meantime, Lum Par CEO Ho Seng Lee has expressed satisfaction with the divestiture of its stockbroking business.

"We're sticking to our core competencies," said Mr. Ho. "Lum Par is well known for erecting high rise structures, and we intend to focus on our new Lum Par ParcLands luxury development."

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Cabinet To Be GLC
by Michael Bloombird

Hot on the heels of the corporatisation of the Productivity and Standards Board, the National Science and Technology Board and Jurong Town Corporation, the Government has announced that it will be corporatising the Cabinet.

Ministry of Trade and Industry spokesman Ho Wah Looi announced the move yesterday at a packed press conference.

"The move makes complete sense," said Mr. Ho. "After all, as everybody knows, we're not really a country, we're actually Singapore, Inc: one ginormous MNC. So as it often makes sense for large corporations to split itself into independent entities to encourage greater competition and profits, Singapore Inc. feels that it should spin-off its most successful arm."

Apparently, the Cabinet is Singapore Inc's most economically viable arm, with a solid track record of achievement. From its founding in 1965, it has managed to face down and triumph over raging unemployment, the withdrawal of its largest client, the British, and very little in terms of assets and capital, to build an extremely successful venture.

Over the years, however, there has been increasing criticism that the government was intervening in every aspect of private enterprise through the set up of government-linked companies (GLCs), which have dabbled in a myriad of profit-making activities from pyjama manufacturing to roast ducks.

"Basically, we give up," said Mr. Ho. "It's true, through the GLCs, we are involved in commercial ventures which really should be the exclusive province of private entrepreneurs. So we're removing the veil and coming clean by declaring ourselves a privately-held corporation."

Singaporeans have reacted to the news with a collective shrug.

"I mean, it's true, Singaporeans have always seen the Cabinet as more like company management than a political entity anyway," said Mr. Balans Seet, a senior analyst at Accidenture Consulting. "I mean, we all know that they have the key to the executive toilet."

Exactly what business the Cabinet, to be known as Cheng Hu Enterprises, will engage in is still unknown, with the Ministry of Trade and Industry keeping silent on the exact details of the corporatisation.

Some analysts believe that Cheng Hu, like Temasek Holdings, will have shareholding that qualifies them for exempt private company status under the Companies Act without ministerial decision, such that they are able to engage legally in opaque accounting.

"This will be done purely for consistency's sake," said Accidenture's Mr Seet. "After all, at the moment, does any citizen really know how and where the money donated to Indonesia went to? Or how our CPF monies are being invested? Frankly, none of us care. And being an EPC will make it easier for us not to."

Mr. Seet also said that really, there was no need for undue concern by the corporatisation of the Cabinet. On a practical level, it means no change for the average citizen.

"Right now, in Singapore Inc, even if individual shareholders want to change the management, most of them lack either the ability to consolidate their vote tactically or they lack hold significant rights to effect the change," said Mr. Seet. "It's a potato-potahto thing."

Opposition politicians have, as expected, been less than enthusiastic about the news.

"How can we compete?" said Worker's Party spokesman Soo Leow Loh. "The Cabinet has the upper hand in resources."

Mr. Ho, however, was quick to scotch such comments, saying, "Come on, so what else is new? It's just business as usual."

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UOB Sees Local Banks No Up
by Michael Bloombird

Despite the government's repeated calls for the local banking sector to consolidate itself through mergers, United Overseas Bank (UOB) has stated that it does not wish to merge with any local banks, and wishes instead to concentrate on overseas expansion.

This has led to criticisms by many smaller local banks that UOB is "si beh dao", "bloody sombong", and other accusations of arrogance.

Said the vice chairman of the Hokkien Kongsi Bank, Mr. Baey Kay Kian: "UOB says merger doesn't fit its strategic interests. Nao hiah, this just means that they see us no up!"

"Why? Local banks not good enough to merge with them, ah?" said National United Teochew Savings Bank (NUTSBank) chairman Mr. Ang Kah Chng. "I think so that being right next to Boat Quay has really corrupted their thinking! Last time got sarong party girl, now got sarong party bank!"

"Neh'mine!" huffed Takada Duit Bank chairman Mr. Kucing bin Kurap. "Let's see where international expansion takes them! You think their foreign partners are really serious about long term relationships? Talk cock! They'll just use them, abuse them and cabut."

UOB spokesperson Miss Winona Wong-Haettenschweiler, however, refuted the accusations. "We feel that local banks are just not an attractive enough proposition for us in this age of globalisation. We feel that local banks are all very unsophisticated and do not know how to deal with us in the way we would like."

"Besides," added Miss Wong-Haettenschweiler. "Further, we feel that to dabble in local mergers distracts us from our primary mission, which as the name of our bank suggests, is to engage in uniting overseas."

Monetary Authority of Singapore spokesman Mr. Ho Wah Looi had the following comments on UOB's lack of enthusiasm for local mergers: "It's unfortunate that UOB thinks like this about homegrown financial institutions, but we can't force two people to get together. We can only encourage and create a supportive climate."

To help boost consolidation amongst local banks, the MAS has said they will be asking for assistance from the Social Development Unit.

"We're thinking, like, having activities where the banks can, like, get together and, uh, inspect each other's portfolios a bit closer," said Mr. Ho. "Maybe some karaoke sessions, or a cruise to nowhere."

"Na beh," said Hokkien Kongsi Bank's Mr. Baey. "With the present economic climate, we all oreddy on cruise to nowhere."

"I think it's an excellent idea," said NUTSBank's Mr. Ang. "I hear some of the local banks have really huge assets and I'd definitely like to check them out."

Butchers Celebrate Level of Pork in Budget
by Michael Bloombird

As the US economy approaches stormy conditions, and while most other countries which are heavily export-dependent would be battening down the hatches, Singapore unveiled a budget it called the 'most generous' so far.

And according to some analysts, what it was most generous with was pork.

"We are extremely happy that the government has used this year's budget to attend to the increasingly tough circumstances local butchers are going through," said Mr. Ter Bak Chek, president of the Society for Pork Appreciation and Marketing (SPAM) at their annual general meeting earlier today.

"As concerns about the safety and healthiness of meat consumption continue to mount, the government has sent a clear signal in their budget that pork is high on their priorities," beamed Mr. Ter.

"With the tax breaks, rebates on rental, utilities and service and conservancy charges, consumers will be more tempted to spend, perhaps, on a hearty meal involving some prime ribs," explained Mr. Ter to loud whoops of jubilation from SPAM's retail division. "Or even a big breakfast of bak kut teh!"

"And the one percentage point cut in corporate tax and two-percentage-point cut in property tax definitely alleviates the pressure on every beleaguered butcher from Bedok to Bukit Gorblok!" he said, again to cheers from the wholesalers.

"All these giveaways in the face of a global economic slowdown is unprecedented," said Mr. Ter. "One would think that this was an election year or something! But of course, we are sure that all of this is motivated only by their usual generosity!"

In honour of Minister of Finance Dr. Richard Hu's support the advancement of porcine merchants, SPAM is bestowing upon him their highest award: the Order of the Pig in the Poke.

Accepting the award on Dr. Hu's behalf was Ministry of Finance spokesman Mr. Bribumal s/o Soyulvotam, who said, "We are very happy to share the dividends of Singapore's prosperity with the people. We have a lot of pork in our barrel."

Commuters Hail MediaCorp's Digital TV on Bus Plan
by Michael Bloombird

Commuters have welcomed MediaCorp's plan to show TV programmes on board buses.

The programme, called TVMobile, will offer specially-packaged digital TV programmes to commuters on air-conditioned Singapore Bus Services vehicles, with an estimated audience of 1.5 million people. TVMobile may also be extended to taxis and trains.

Commuters received the news ecstatically.

"Now all of us can sleep more song," said commuter Chay Teck See. "Usually, can hear people talking, can hear traffic outside. Very difficult to nap on board the bus."

"But with TCS programmes, hwah!" said Mr. Chay. "Instant koon, man!"

This response has forced some adjustments to TVMobile's initial strategy.

"MediaCorp had initially intended to use TVMobile to showcase the latest in digital technology and persuade viewers to switch from analog," said MediaCorp spokesperson Miss Quah Boh Lay. "However, as we have discovered that the main response is to induce sleep, we'll be switching to a strategy of subliminal messaging."

"The government has been extremely supportive of subliminal programming," said Miss Quah. "And have already provided us with mountains of content."

According to Ministry of Indoctrination spokesman Kong Chin Kiang, "History has shown that Singaporeans who are in a zombie-like state of consciousness are the most receptive to our messages. We must capitalise on this target and captive demographic."