New POSB Logo Unveiled
by Lay Mong Chi

DBS Bank kicked off its $1 million dollar campaign to promote the POSB brand by unveiling its new logo.

Some features of the logo immediately noticable are that the blue-and-yellow POSB colours have now been replaced with DBS's corporate red, and the logo has been inverted so that at first glance, it now reads "DBS".

DBS said that the changes to the familiar logo had been kept to a minimum, with the 'key' emblem and even the letters 'POSB' staying intact. To see them, all that customers need to do is to stand on their heads. The 'S' has also been placed on top, to emphasise that savings is a priority.

The decision to retain the POSB image was apparently because of people's perceived emotional attachment to the brand.

"Yes," said long time saver Lai Teh Looi, "I was very emotional about POSB. The low interest rates always made me too lan."

"POSB is no longer an independent banking entity", said Ms Elsie Foh, head of personal banking at DBS, explaining the reasons behind the changes. "So while we are keeping the POSB name because of customers' emotional attachment to it, we have rebranded it because DBS and POSB are now one bank."

The campaign flies in the face of a March 1999 recommendation by DBS's management consultants, AT Kearney, that the POSB name be dropped. 

DBS defended their decision to ignore their consultants' advice after having paid them thousands of dollars for it, saying that it was just the latest of their ongoing series of bad decisions, which Singaporeans had come to expect of them.

"We don't like disappointing our customers," said DBS spokesman Phang Jai Roh. 

Having decided to keep the POSB name, the expensive campaign to promote an already well-loved brand was necessary because of the several unpopular decisions made by DBS following its acquisition of POSBank in 1998. The addition of a low-balance fee and the closure of over 60 branches--causing longer queues at the remaining ones, among other inconveniences--were among the policies implemented that dragged the POSB name through the mud.

"We think the 'flavour' of the former entity still remains", said Ms Foh, spinning madly. "But we've renovated and upgraded it to reflect a financial institution that is friendly, full of vitality and spunk."

Added Mr. Phang, "The new logo not only integrates elements of both banks, but also the initials of our chairman."

Commenting on the new logo, bank customer Mr. Khee Goon Hang said, "It looks a bit cock, but I must admit it conveys a certain ballsy attitude."

Said another customer, Mr. Tee Poh Seet, "I think the new logo is very appropriate, considering what has been done to us."

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Facing Rough Economy, Retailers To Sell Backside For Great S'pore Sale
by Michael Bloombird

Hoping to boost revenues in the face of a slowing economy, local retailers are wooing shoppers by offering special merchandise during this year's Great Singapore Sale: their backsides.

In doing so, retailers are tapping into a traditional Singaporean strategy for dealing with adversity, as evinced by local phrases such as "Die, I just kena fired, now I have to go Desker Road and sell backside." or "Heng ah! I just touch 4D, so no need to go Geylang and sell backside oreddy."

"We believe this will be a significant draw for many Singaporeans," said Ms. Boey Kah Chng, spokesperson for the Association of Retail Shopping Enterprises in Singapore (ARSES). "But more importantly, it is a rear guard action to save our collective behinds."

The dismal outlook for this year's economy, with its likely effect on consumer spending has spurred many retailers to urgent action.

"We decided that we needed to get off our butts," said Ms. Boey. "Then we thought, why not sell them as well?"

"It's a brilliant idea, especially for small retailers," said Ms. Fanny Uppadabum, who runs a shop in Far East Plaza. "When it comes to backsides, we small farts can really make a valuable contribution."

Large chains and shopping centres will be adopting a multi-pronged approach to selling their backsides.

"Our backsides are a real value proposition," agreed Mr. Ooki Denbu, marketing manager for Japanese retail giant, Takashitlayta. "And we intend to proposition shoppers with them."

British retail giant Farts & Tenser expects to do especially well in the backside campaign.  

"Our campaign will focus on England's longstanding reputation as a nation of pederasts," said Singapore operations director Ivor Bigge-Behynde, "By giving away free "Boy London" caps with every backside purchased. Our worldwide sales this year may have hit rock bottom, but we intend to really penetrate the Singaporean market."

Meanwhile, Wisma Atria retailers, in keeping with the building's famous blue facade, will be using the theme, "A Once in a Blue Moon Sale."

HDB retailers will also be operating under the common theme of "Sniff Out Great Backside Bargains In The Fartland!"

However, ARSE has advised some caution about getting carried away with the backside theme. Said Ms. Boey, "We don't want to wind up as the butt of jokes in cheeky sites like TalkingCock.com."

"We applaud retailers for their 'can do' attitude to selling backsides," said Ministry of Trade and Industry spokesman Mr. Mai Pee Khoo. "In these difficult times, it's important to focus on the bottom line, otherwise we'll be left behind."

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Singapore Hotelier Grabs Extra Lum Par Thanks To Biggers Ballas
by Michael Bloombird

Singapore hotelier Pang Keng Seng managed to increase his stake in Lum Par Holdings yesterday.  This was thanks to a bequest by the late founder of stockbroking firm Biggers Ballas, who had also acquired Lum Par's securities division earlier this year.

Mr. Hugh G. Ballas, who passed away last month, had apparently bequeathed Mr. Pang all his stock in Lum Par Holdings.  

Apparently, Mr. Ballas had been a longtime patron of the luxury hotels in Mr. Pang's Hotels Potentates Prefer Limited (HPPL) chain and wanted to show his appreciation.

"Yes," said Miss Foo Rah Ma, HPPL's public relations manager. "He was one of our preferred customers. He would always house his extended family here when they visited Singapore.  We went out of our way to make them comfortable, by taking them wherever they went on palanquins, borne on the shoulders of our staff.  We are very proud to say that we carried his Ballas."

Mr. Pang, who already had a stake of his own in Lum Par, has now become the majority shareholder, thanks to the bequest.

"It's true," said Lum Par CEO Ho Seng Lee. "Mr. Pang is now the most tua liap here at Lum Par."

Mr. Pang has big plans for Lum Par.  For instance, he has floated the idea of merging Lum Par together with HPPL to form LPPL.

"We see a lot of synergy in such a move," said Lum Par's Mr. Ho. "We believe Mr. Pang's experience in the hospitality trade as being very valuable in developing our much-awaited luxury condo project, Lum Par ParcLands."

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Local Law Firm Goes Corporate To Exploit Wealth of Lawyer Jokes
by Khee Hai Kok

Local law firm Drool & Nappies, well-known for their expertise in infant-related litigation, has decided to abandon its partnership structure by becoming a limited liability corporation (LLC). The reason? To capitalise on their substantial database of lawyer jokes.

"Sure, some cynics might say becoming a LLC is simply to sabo anyone who wants to sue the firm," said CEO Dapincher Singh. "However, what going corporate really enables us to do is expand our scope of business."

"And frankly, going to court,  incorporating companies and all that stuff is damn sian," said Mr. Singh. "Some more there are all these kucing kurap lawyers who are willing to undercut us. So last year, we decided to think about what we really enjoyed doing as lawyers, and then specialise in that."

"As it turned out," continued Ms. Singh. "We found that what we enjoyed most was hanging out in the bar rooms of the High and Subordinate Courts telling jokes and client horror stories.  As any lawyer can tell you, the line to see the registrars is funnier than any comedy club. And sometimes, it's even funnier inside their chambers."

Further, apparently since installing email facilities several years ago, the firm's servers are now chockablock with circulated lawyer jokes.

"What we did was then quickly compile and publish these jokes, and then copyright the text," said Mr. Singh, his eyes twinkling and his mouth widening in a malevolent-looking smile. 

"Which means we can now collect royalties for them, and threaten anyone who simply copies and circulates the syntax of the jokes without any amendment. Which is pretty much the entire world!"

"We have what we think is the most brilliant selection in the world," said Mr. Singh accessing the firm's database. "Just look at our range!"

"As you can see," said Mr. Singh. "We're laughing all the way to the bank."

Other firms we spoke to, however, thought that this was no laughing matter.

Said Senior Counsel Lau Loh Yah, "I'm concerned that whenever I speak to them, my words will wind up not only being laughed at, but owned by them as well."

"From my dealings with them," said a lawyer from a rival firm. "I always thought they were a bunch of clowns. Well, this confirms it."

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Local Car Firm To Be Launched
by Kok Sah Ker

Kia Motors of Korea and Japan’s Suzuki Motor Corporation have announced plans to enter into a joint venture project to design and build Singapore’s first national car, and are to incorporate a company here with 50-50 ownership. The new car company will be called KiaSu Motors Singapore Pte Ltd.

Company insiders are excited about the project, which has secretly been in the works for years. “We’re expecting thousands of KiaSu customers,” said a Kia executive. “All KiaSu cars will be specially-designed to meet the needs of Singaporean motorists.” Asked to reveal some of the features expected on the first KiaSu model, the executive said: “Er, better not. What if I lose my job?”

Sources from Suzuki had more to say, however. 

“For years, Singapore’s best-selling car has been the Nissan Sunny. We’ll just copy that car and watch the suckers queue up for days in advance outside our showroom,” said Project Manager Jibusa Ichibackside.

But the KiaSu car will outdo the Sunny in various important ways, boasted Ichibackside-san. While the Nissan has a 1596cc engine, the KiaSu will have one that is exactly 1600cc in size, the maximum that would allow it to fall in the Category A CEO bracket. 

To draw needless attention to its superiority, the Singapore car will also be launched as the ‘KiaSu Sunnier’.

In order to reduce costs, the Sunnier will also do away with the need for superfluous features found on the Nissan Sunny and other cars, such as turn signals, side and rear-view mirrors, and rear seatbelts, which local motorists do not use. 

“Think of the convenience,” said Ichibackside smugly. “When you drive a KiaSu, you need never adjust your mirrors or bother to signal before making a turn. Why pay for things you never use?”

Challenged that no one would buy a car without such important safety features, Ichibackside pointed out that the KiaSu Sunnier will have twin airbags, also specially engineered for Singaporean needs. 

“To save our buyers money, the Sunnier will not have full size airbags. Our research has shown that twin 36DD bags would satisfy most drivers here,” said Ichibackside as a trail of drool trickled down the side of his chin. “I have tested them myself many, many, many times, repeatedly smashing my face into both the test cars’ airbags and those belonging to the members of our engineering department’s secretarial pool, who supplied many crucial dimensions.”

Although such airbags might not successfully save your life in a high-speed crash, you would be at least be certain of dying happy, according to Ichibackside.

Aside from that, the KiaSu Sunnier’s main selling point will be a special windscreen that no local driver would want to be without. 

“We are working on a giving one corner of the windscreen special optical distortions. When you place your parking coupon under this part of the windscreen, it becomes almost impossible to tell from the outside if you have torn off the coupon tabs completely or merely bent them backwards,” revealed Ichibackside with glee.

Pricing details have not been finalised, but the car is expected to undercut rivals because it will be locally assembled by Institute of Technical Education students as school projects, which means that the Sunnier will escape the 31% customs duty on imported cars.

No launch date has been set, and KiaSu Motors says it is not ready to handle enquiries yet, but KiaSu customers can call 1-900-SUNNIER (786 6437) anyway if they want to get details before anyone else.

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Malaysia Diam About Daim
By Michael Bloombird and Dan Kok

Malaysian Prime Minister Dr. Si Mati Mohamad today confirmed that Finance Minister Daim Zainuddin has gone on two months' leave, but remained silent on the reasons for this. 

"Maybe he is tired," Dr M said, adding that Datuk Daim had informed him that he needed to rest, and is visibly and inaudibly quieter these days. "Nowadays Daim is damn diam-diam one."

As a sign of respect for his newfound preference for quiet, Dr. M has also said that the Malaysian government will hush things up for him.  However, the Malaysian premier extended his best wishes for Datuk Daim's convalescence.

"I can understand monitoring the peg of the ringgit to the US$ is exhausting. We have to ensure that it is precisely 3.8, no more or less. Devaluing the ringgit will raise prices of importing luxury limousine for senior officials, while abolishing the peg altogether will compromise our personal economic stability."

Dr M said no one would be appointed as acting finance minister during Datuk Daim's absence. "I will personally take care of the country’s purse strings. It’s an added job, but it should not be a problem for me -  the national reserve has shrunk considerably over recent years. In any case it is more convenient if one man takes care of both approving the expenditure and signing the cheques." 

"Anyway, Daim said he will still pop by the office once in a while, to help us with the investigation into my missing millions." the prime minister added, then realized the slip and hurriedly called off the press conference.

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SingTel Shares Now Sold at Nanz Chong's One.99 Store
by Michael Bloombird

Following the sentiment that its acquisition of Optus was at too high a price, SingTel shares fell to its all-time low of $1.88 last week, lower even than its debut price of $2.  

The relentless fall in the share price meant that $8.4 billion have been wiped off SingTel's market capitalisation in just two days of trading.

In a move that is seen as characteristically brilliant of its leadership, however, SingTel has moved decisively to repair the damage - by releasing its shares for sale at Nanz Chong's One.99 Store at the Heeren.

"Nanz Chong's One.99 Store has become a huge mainstay in our retail market due to its emphasis on value for money," said SingTel spokesman Kah Thean Wei. "And we see it as increasing its presence as we move towards a global economic slowdown."

"Accordingly, in order to restore our huge losses, we have taken the unusual but inspired step of restoring capital through the sale of shares through this major retailer."

"It's a good idea," said granny investor Mdm Boey See Mee, 72. "Now when I come to pick up a new pack of Good Morning towels or plastic cups, I can also buy SingTel shares."

Mr. Luan Luan Buay, 57, agreed. "I've always felt my SingTel shares were a real bargain, and finding them in the One.99 store confirms it."

"Since SingTel's offer for Optus was primarily in SingTel shares, we think Optus shareholders will also welcome this move," said One.99 Store CEO Nanz Chong. 

"We believe that their worries about limited liquidity and lower earnings per share will be offset by the availability of great deals such as this great fish-themed plastic shower curtain, at only $1.50, or this Hello Kitty soapdish at a mere $0.85."

- with thanks to Soo Wei

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