Business Archive 5

SingTel Reassures Aussies That All Spying Is Local
by Michael Bloombird

In response to allegations by Australian defence experts that Singapore had been spying on Australia since the 1980s, SingTel said that Australia need not worry about their bid to purchase Cable & Wireless Optus, as Singapore only spies on its own people.

SingTel's bid to buy Cable & Wireless Optus has taken many twists and turns to date, but perhaps the most startling were the recent allegations by several Australian defence experts that Singapore had been spying on Australia since the 1980s. Accordingly, these experts suggest, the SingTel bid should be stopped as they would acquire, through Optus, control of a key Australian defence satellite.

According to Professor Bruce Bollocks of Australia's Defence Assessment Group (DAG), Singapore had a history of spying on Australia and it would be naive to assume that the Optus satellite would not be used for similar purposes.

"If we let these drongos from the back of Bourke into Oz, they'll go fossicking round our knicker drawers and find out all our ridgy-didge military secrets, like our kangaroo recon task force," said Professor Bollocks. "Or be able to figure out how to understand Strine and manage to crack all our communications codes. Bloody oath!"

Professor Bollocks then went on to cite several instances of Singaporean espionage activities in Australia including:

	the recruitment of an Australian military intelligence officer to spy for them at the Kaballa Listening Station in Queensland over a 20-year period;
	photo reconnaisance activity by Singaporean air force pilots based in Western Australia;
	eavesdropping using a modified C-130 Hercules aircraft filled with electronic monitoring equipment, and fitted with a retractable antenna.

SingTel, however, has refuted all the allegations.

"We would like to assure all our Ozzie friends that we do not spy on Australian interests at all," said SingTel spokesman and former ISD scholar Mr. Tiah Tian Wei. "The listening operations conducted in Australia were done only to monitor the activities of Singaporeans based in Australia."

In fact, Mr. Kah went on to say, "Singapore could not possibly care less about a country whose national song is about a sheep-stealing hobo boiling water by a river."

When asked about what kind of activities the Singapore government monitors in Australia, Mr. Kah replied, "Oh, nothing special. Students' grades, coffeeshop talk, websites... You know, the usual stuff we monitor back here in Singapore, lah."

Australian Defence Minister Peter Reith responded, saying, "Bonzer! Now that that's cleared up, we can get back to putting the shrimps on the barbie."

Professor Bollocks, however, was not mollified. "I'm disappointed by the Minister's reaction. How do we know these yellow yobbos won't use the Optus satellite to spy on our top secret Ozzie shrimp barbecuing techniques? Strewth!"

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Gahmen to Axe the Future
by Bettina Hensome

As a cost-cutting measure, the Gahmen announced that the catering for the future shall no longer be part of the Gahmen's services. In explaining its latest move, the Gahmen says that catering to the future is not cost-effective and had proved to be a long-term money-losing activity. "It had dragged our bottom-line long enough and we thought that it is appropriate that we stop this highly speculative (and expensive) activity and concentrate on our core business," says Gahmen spokesman, Ms Boh-Tai Chee Chor.

Ms. Boh-Tai explained that the Gahmen had come to this decision because of the bleak economic forecast. In elaboration, She said: "If the future is rosy, we can indulge in useless activities like catering for the future, strengthening the democratic process or human rights abuses, etc. But with the recession in sight, it is better for the Gahmen to concentrate on what they know best, which is, ruling the country."

According to Ms Boh-Tai, the Gahmen would save around $200 million by axing the economic, social, educational, political and cultural forecasters from its payroll.

"We could save another $200 million if we drop the Ministers, the Minister of States, the Parliamentary Secretary and the likes but it was felt that they can still contribute to the country. They have 20/20 foresight with advanced helicopter view and the Gahmen cannot afford to lose such people", she added.

It is the very nature of the future which caused the Gahmen to discard it from its portfolio of services.

"If the future is predictable, then, we can cater for it and make it a revenue-generating activity. However, there are too many variables and too little certainty. We generated a lot of reports predicting and controlling the future but it all came to naught. We still got hit by a recession, which is not in our prediction and control" explained Ms Boh-Tai.

The Gahmen's move was not surprising considering the statements issued by various ministers in the previous weeks. Statements like "The future is bleak" or "We cannot predict what will happen in the future" or "Prepare for a different future" had peppered the speeches made by ministers in several National Day makan and togo sessions.

In line with the Gahmen's move, the following changes are expected:-

	Gahmen would stop using the word "future" or make reference to the future in all their speeches and statements;
	Gahmen are barred from using the future tense in their speeches and statement;
	Gahmen would no longer make any prediction for the future. As such, all references to "predicted economic growth" in the PM's National Day speech would be deleted;
	The main objective of the Central Provident Fund would be changed from "providing for your future retirement needs" to "we want to keep your money because we have the power to do so";
	All fortunetellers, soothsayers, economic analysts, political forecasters and those engaged in foretelling the future would be barred from plying their trade in Singapore. Foretelling the future would now be classified as a threat to national security and those found guilty are liable to be detained under Internal Security Act;
	Political parties are barred from predicting election results or promise things in the future. PAP Slogan of "More Good Years" would be changed to "More Years".

More changes are expected to be announced in the near future. Maybe.

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DBS Head Honchos Get Paper Cuts
by Michael Bloombird

Tua kees at the Development Bank of Singapore (DBS) announced that they would be taking pay cuts of as much as 20 percent till the end of the year in order to help reduce costs. Analysts applauded the boldness and symbolism of this move while noting that mere months ago, two of its top executives were paid a third more than top brass at HSBC, which generated 10 times more profit.

The top 5 DBS officers, chairman S. Dhanabalan, vice-chairmen Philippe Paillart and Ng Kee Choe, president and COO Jackson Tai and senior managing director Frank Wong, have voluntarily slashed their pay by 20% till the end of the year.

Following their lead, DBS's 80 or so other managing directors also volunteered to reduce their salaries by 10%.

"Yes, it was purely voluntary that I did it," said director Ow Chee Au. "You can bet that if the tua kees didn't do it, I would have raised the matter for myself."

According to Mr. Paillart, "This is all about the leadership starting at the top, about rolling up our sleeves."

Said Biggers Ballas banking analyst Quah Goon Hang, "This is a cause for concern. They roll up their sleeves, and 20% of their money drops out! Just think how much better it would be if they opened a savings account like normal people! What does it say about their banking strategies if their top brass are hoarding cash in their shirts?"

Indeed, as the bank declined to say exactly how much the cuts will save, bystanders are thinking that the move is mostly symbolic.

This is ostensibly because DBS recently disclosed, only after queries by its shareholders, that they had paid two of their directors $10.9 million, a good $3.6 million more than that paid to their counterparts at global banking giant HSBC.

Although explained away as performance bonuses and retirement gratuities, it has left some skeptical, partly because London-based HSBC's performance was much better, and especially since DBS actually refused to confirm or deny the amounts in question.

"If these are cuts, I think so they're only paper cuts," said retail investor Lui Kah Chiok.

"That's unfair," frowned DBS spokesman Phang Jai Roh. "Paper cuts still pain, whaaat."

Mr. Phang said that the cuts would translate directly into the head honchos feeling the pinch.

"If ordinary folks like you or I take a pay cut," said Mr. Phang. "It would be nothing. Maybe cannot buy house or car, or must cut down on eating out. But with the tua kees here, a pay cut means not being able to go on skiing holidays to Europe or the US, or to make payments on their yacht, you know! The level of sacrifice is much, much greater for them!"

In fact, added director Mr. Ow, the pain is so severe, the Board is voting themselves plasters.

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How SMRT-Tibs Merger Will Affect Commuters
by Michael Bloombird

With the Singapore Mass Rapid Transit Corporation planning to merge with bus/taxi operator Tibs into a multi-modal transport giant, the local commuter experience will also undergo hybridization.

According to SMRT spokesman Mr. Boh Ooi Chay, "Commuters will definitely see changes in their daily travels as a result of the integration of bus and train services."

Some hybrid features that Singaporean commuters can look forward to include:

	MRT and buses will now also impose midnight and ERP surcharges;
	Yellow markings at bus stops to tell people how to stand;
	MRT seats will all now be covered in the massage beads beloved of cabbies;
	MRT and bus rear windows will all be wound down by a few centimetres to allow for ventilation;
	The straps on the MRT trains will be changed to carry transparent plastic dongles at the tip, encasing preserved insects;
	Little plastic rotating fans will be provided to all MRT and bus passengers;
	Pre-recorded announcements will greet taxi passengers at the start and end of their trip;
	When MRT trains exceed a certain speed, passengers will be alerted by an unceasing "ting-tong, ting-tong" bell;
	It will be impossible to get a MRT train or bus at rush hours, when it's raining, just before midnight or when a change in shift is due;
	MRT and bus drivers will follow their cabbie counterparts by entertaining passengers with their colourful comments on local politics and recommendations as to where to eat or find prostitutes.

"Yes," beamed Mr. Boh. "We want to bring to commuters the best of all worlds!"

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Big Deal Development Board launches Singapore Joint Venture Plan Roadshow
by Teen Low Kai

The Big Deal Development Board launched its first Joint Venture Plan (jVPL) roadshow yesterday at Raffles Place MRT station. Many years of planning have gone into the plans, hailed by many as the future of futures for Singapore and Singaporeans.

The jVPL is of a set of ambitious plans for Singapore to release itself from the physical confines of the island republic. Since becoming independent, Singapore has embarked on expansion plans to increase its economic presence, play a more important role in the global arena and more visibly, increase its land mass through land reclamation projects. Singapore has increased its land size by more than 20%, to 647.5 square kilometers today.

But Singapore needs more space. Lots more, according to Big Deal Development Board’s Chief Executive, Mr. Kheng Sang Yee. “Singaporeans are not comfortable being small. Small is something we associate with the weak and the underachieving,” he explained.

Ministry of Community Development figures have shown that for the republic to achieve its target 7 million population and not have its population suffer from Small Person Complex (SPC), Singapore needs at least ten times its current land size.

“No way are we going to reclaim that much land, “ Mr. Kheng argued. “We have been creative about this problem and some of our brightest officers have been thinking out of the box on this conundrum. The jVPL is a set of plans which we think hold the future for Singapore and Singaporeans.”

The guests to the launch applauded enthusiastically as the curtain raised to show two wall-sized charts depicting the initial jVPLs. Mr. Kheng went on to explain each of the two plans.

"Scenario 1 shows Singapore striking up a deal with our neighbour Johor to create a joint-venture state. Johor would have access to our world-class port and infrastructure, participate in our economic progress and together, create a sustainable competitive advantage. In return, Singapore can benefit from the availability of a hinterland, supply of manpower and the availability of natural resources such as water, minerals and pineapples,” said Mr Kheng, against a backdrop of statistics showing the amount of water and pineapples imported from Malaysia since 1965.

On the issue of the release of the state of Johor from the Federation of Malaya States agreement signed in 1948, Mr. Kheng said that a suitable compensation was being worked out. “If an agreement cannot be reached, our legal counsels have advised us to bring this up for arbitration. There is a clause for this provision in the Agreement. After all, Johor was the last to join the Federated Malay States,” he explained.

A spokesperson from the MFA added that the CIQ issue would disappear “overnight” with this scenario.

Scenario 2 involves Singapore forming a holdings company registered in the British Virgin Islands, which, through a wholly-owned subsidiary in Western Australia, will then own the island of Singapore.

“The wholly-owned subsidiary in Western Australia will be our hinterland,” said Mr. Kheng, as he waved his hand across a wall map of Australia like a weather man.

“We have been in touch with both Prime Minister John Howard and the Premier of Western Australia Dr Geoff Gallop and they are very excited with the idea.”

Mr. Kheng revealed that more than 1.8 million Singaporeans have visited Western Australia since 1978 and this is testimony to the suitability of the location. “It’s only a 4-hour flight from Singapore to Perth and the seafood is very cheap. Plus they have beautiful golf courses such as the one at Joondalup. That should satisfy our golfers who always complain that there aren’t enough holes to play with in Singapore,” he added.

A 2001 Trade Outcomes and Objectives Statement released by the Australian Federal Government showed the state leading the nation's export resurgence. “Singapore is well positioned to help the state expand further, especially into the large Asian market. If we can interest one person in China to eat one numbat egg a day, that’s a 365-billion egg a year industry!! As you can see, it’s a win-win deal,” gushed Mr. Kheng.

When asked about Asian bashing in Australia, particularly from Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party, Mr. Kheng said the issue was one of perspectives.

“Singapore has core capabilities which complement Australia’s. We should be viewed as complementing, and not competing with Australia, “ he explained.

He then used the analogy of a pie getting bigger rather than being split up with the involvement of Singapore in Australia’s economy. All the guests nodded in agreement.

In return, Singapore will receive a piece of land just outside of Perth, owned by Singapore (A) Pte Ltd. It is expected that shares in Singapore (A) Pte Ltd will be offered to Singaporeans within one year of incorporation, through a limited IPO.

“We envisage an affordable strike price. After all, we want people to have ownership of our subsidiary, just as they have ownership of property in Singapore island,” explained Mr. Kheng. The majority of shares will still be held by Singapore (BV), the parent holding company.

An official from the Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore hinted that profits from the sale of shares in Singapore (A) might be subject to capital gains tax in an effort to curb speculation. Analysts are expecting the market to be bullish about the offering, slated for third quarter of 2002.

“If Singapore (A) is going ahead with the IPO, we strongly recommend subscribing. This business has high barriers to entry. It’s not something replicable easily elsewhere,” said Ms. P. Wise P. Foolish of OINKS Bearing.

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Japanese Banking Crisis Continues
by Michael Bloombird

The once mighty Japanese banking industry's condition continues to deteriorate.

Following last week's announcement that Sumo Bank was going belly up, rumours are now rife that Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches and more disturbingly, that Origami Bank may be folding.

Elsewhere, shares in Kamikaze Bank took a nose-dive as Karate Bank gave the chop to 300 administrative staff.

The pall over the situation at Sashimi Bank shows no signs of abating, where investigators confirm that something fishy is going on and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Meanwhile, Karaoke Bank is up for sale which insiders say is going for a song.

Attempts to reach the Japanese Finance Ministry for comments proved unsuccessful. All the staff said they were unable to answer questions because they had to go and banzai.

DBS Bids for OUB in Attempt at Breaking World Branch Closure Record
by Michael Bloombird

The Development Bank of Singapore (DBS) shook Singapore's banking industry when it made a $9.4b hostile takeover bid for Overseas Union Bank (OUB) in an attempt to break the world record for most number of bank branches closed in a single year.

Singapore's No. 1 bank is not content with having shut down 34 percent of POSBank's branches following its acquisition in 1998.

Said DBS spokesman Phang Jai Roh, "DBS didn't get to be No. 1 just by sitting on its laurels. We are constantly on the move to improve on past achievements."

Market analysts reacted to the move with caution.

Said Biggers Ballas banking expert Quah Goon Hang in a statement reflective of most market watchers, "We are concerned that this move will stretch DBS financially."

Mr. Phang dismissed that concern, saying, "This was a carefully considered move and DBS is exercising prudence. That's why we chose to take over the No. 4 bank instead of someone larger, even though a larger bank would have provided us with more branches to close."

"However," he added. "This way we preserve something to work towards. After OUB, we'll probably go after UOB or OCBC. Now those guys have a lot of branches, and it'll be a sweet deal to shut 'em down! Who knows what happens after that? The government is urging us to go regional. So I guess we'll aim to shut down Malaysia's banks next."

"Actually," noted Mr. Phang. "The way their economy is going now, they'll probably achieve it on their own."

The takeover bid by DBS comes hot on the heels of Oversea-Chinese Banking Corporation's offer for Keppel, in an atmosphere of consolidation following the Monetary Authority of Singapore's statement in 1999 that Singapore had room for only two big banks. With the takeover of OUB, DBS would become Asia's fifth largest commercial bank.

"The banks clearly see the benefits of consolidation," said Biggers Ballas's Mr. Quah. "Shareholders like the government will get a nice fat dividend out of it, and it strengthens the bank's standing in Asia and the world."

"Yes, the government's advice is clearly right," agreed bank customer Lai Teh Looi. "With fewer banks in Singapore, I'm sure that consumer choice will be improved. It's silly that at the moment, all these banks are competing to give me the best interest rates for loans, credit cards and mortgages. I mean, it's terrible that banks are forced to make less profitable decisions just to attract customers. But with just two banks, they can have a take-it-or-leave-it approach which surely must improve their bottom line. I'm so glad that I, the average citizen, get to do my part in boosting the worldwide standing of our banks, and the fortunes of their shareholders."

"Besides," added Mr. Lai. "Fewer branches mean longer lines, and longer lines mean I get to strengthen my leg muscles, and improves my shots at getting monetary during IPPT. So yes, I am being rewarded!"

PAP Election Victory Good For Business, Says White Fabric Industry
by Michael Bloombird

Local companies dealing in white fabric said today that a People's Action Party victory in the coming elections would mean an immediate industry-wide rally in their profits.

"If the PAP gets a resounding win in the elections, then their power base will be consolidated and their ranks will swell," said Mr. Cheng Pek Eh, chairman of WhiteWash, the Singapore Association of White Fabric Dealers.

"And when this happens," explained Mr. Cheng. "The demand for their trademark all-white uniforms will go up. Which means a boom for those of us who deal in it."

The white fabric industry is viewed by analysts as a generally stable one, although it is subject to cyclical swings.

Said Biggers Ballas clothing industry analyst Mr. Quah Sah Kor, "The white fabric industry is a pillar of the Singapore economy, because it supplies basics like sheets, business shirts and school uniforms. However, it isn't a very exciting industry because of this. Profits generally remain consistent but seldom skyrocket."

The exception, however, is always immediately after a PAP victory, when the party attracts more recruits and uniform demand rises.

To boost their fortunes this year, the Singapore white fabric industry is throwing its full support behind the PAP.

"We wish to make it clear that we're acting not just in our own self interests, but in the interests of the whole country as well," said Mr. Cheng.

"For example, the laundry and detergent industries will also receive an immediate injection into their fortunes," he continued. "More all-white clothes immediately means more cleaning. In this time of economic slowdown, we must do whatever we can to buoy the economy."