Hello, everyone!
It is I, your old chum, Louie Chin Ooh Lui, reporting again from
abroad.
I am told by the editors of this site
that their readership is a diverse one, so I gather that some of you out
there are heartlanders.
My commiserations, of course. It's not
entirely your fault, naturally. Your parents were simply too lazy
or ignorant to amass a large enough fortune to become cosmopolitan.
In any event, I shall endeavour to be
more inclusive of all demographics in this column, though that somewhat
jibes with my Singaporean leanings toward social Darwinism.
After all, our dear Ministry of
Education, in her wisdom, sees fit to stream and rank students, so why
should I be more inclusive than they? Let the weak wither and the strong
survive, I say!
If it were up to me, I'd rather this
column be read by only other scholars of similar socio-economic
background.
But then, my colleague, Mr. Ah Beng in
the next column, has threatened me with bodily harm (via a sinister
process he calls 'hooting' which I gather to involve owls) if I do not
speak a language intelligible to him.
Very well, let it never be said that I am
not an accommodating fellow.
I shall henceforth try to use simpler
English, because as I recall, most heartlanders like you have at best a
peasant grasp of the language, as it were.
Of course, it's quite difficult for me to
do that, as I am used to speaking English of the highest order, coming
from the Gifted Education Programme and Humanities Scheme and
being an overseas merit scholar, sent to Oxbridge University to
pursue a degree in political engineering.
In this column, I have been laden with
the task of commenting on the recent visit by Harvard Professor Michael
Porter that Singapore should try to be a 'more open, pluralistic,
heterogenous, chaotic society and economy.'
National University of Singapore
Vice-Chancellor Shih Choon Fong, however, disagrees, saying that
Singapore is too small and young to endorse the creative chaos of
diverse ideas, and that any irresponsible comment could lead to damage.
I am inclined to agree with Professor
Shih, although I believe he is being altogether diplomatic.
Let's just speak plainly: the fact is,
it's simply awful to have to listen to your inferiors, isn't it?
I mean, think of it: you've been sent to
the best schools, you've earned multiple degrees at the most prestigious
universities, holidayed in the best resorts in every far flung region of
the world, hobnobbed with the wealthy and well-known - and when you
return to Singapore, you're expected to listen to some peasant who lives
in public housing, whose lobby is appropriately named a 'void deck'?
I mean, come on! Like I mentioned
earlier, the Ministry of Education has spent so much time and resources
developing their streaming system, which teaches, rightly, that people
should know their place in society and swim with their own school.
Surely you wouldn't want all this effort to go to waste?
I strongly urge the Singapore government
to resist all efforts to open the floodgates to these dangerous ideas of
heterogeneity! Do not let the barbarians in!
And further, Professor Porter's views
seem quite out of sync with present-day America. After all, look
at their leader now - a scion of a well-connected family with an Ivy
League academic background. Why, it is very much like Singapore
will be in a generation!
Perhaps it is time for one of our senior
politicians to turn the tables on these proselytizing westerners, and
begin telling them how their countries should be run - which is,
exactly like Singapore!
I am sure it will be extremely
well-received!
- Louie
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