Dear Ah Beng...
Let your friendly neighbourhood pai kiah help you 'settle' your problems

1 October 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

Last time, to get my son to study hard, I always promised to buy him things if he got good grades.  But now, he won't do anything I ask without material rewards.  The smallest thing only and he wants a CD player, skate scooter, playstation, handphone - now even a car! I think I've created a monster. What can I do?

Boh Kah Si

Dear Kah Si,

You are not the first parent to write to me with this problem.  Nowsaday, all the si noong kia everything also want. I think it's very cham  because if you stop giving him things, he will see his friends getting stuff from their parents, and he will feel jealous. The thing to do is to get him to want inexpensive things. My suggestion is to reward him not with material goods, but with opportunities, and experiences. Like a visit to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69.  The kway bus there are all damn cheap, and soon he will be so addicted to them, that he'll forget about all these other material things. Cheap, good, and you also help to sustain an important Singaporean cottage industry.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I've been married for 30 years, but I just discovered that my wife had a very brief affair in the 80s. It didn't last, but I feel damn too lan. I don't want to break up our marriage, but adultery is adultery! How?

Played Out 

Dear Played Out,

Congratulations on wanting to maintain your marriage, and forgive the treachery of your wife.  It shows you to be a man of maturity, integrity and morals.  As a true Confucian gentleman, you may want to ease the feeling of betrayal by hiring some of my kah kiah to go and hoot the low-life chee-honging nao hiah  who went to kan your wife.  For a small fee, we will start by hanging a pig's head at his door, and then work it up from there.  We charge per limb, so you can keep it under budget.  If you take our deluxe package (all four limbs, one torn ear, one broken nose, shattered ribs), we will also throw in a half-hour session at the Pukimon Massage Parlour and KTV, free. Now that should make you feel better about adultery.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a film maker, who cannot make a profit because all these VCD pirates keep making copies of my movies and selling them for damn cheap.  My lawyers keep raiding new shops, but they all spring up somewhere else the next day. How can I stop the pirates from infringing my intellectual property?

 Ai Cho Hee

Dear Cho Hee,

First, you must remember that without theVCD pirates, fewer people are likely to watch your movies.  However, your concern that without adequate financial returns, you cannot continue making movies is also a valid concern.  Now with the digital revolution, you need to embrace new strategies and conceptions concerning intellectual property.  In other words, you must be prepared for a trade-off between protection and distribution. You should try to think out of the box and come up with innovative solutions. Like say, paying the pirates to stop copying your films, and going into the distribution business with them instead.  We, I mean, they not only have a wide network, but we will also go and hoot any nao hiahs who try to copy what are now our VCDs. 

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Last time, I was very poor and was forced to work as a masseuse to pay my bills.  One day, a customer wanted a "special" and I got pregnant and gave birth to a son.  As the father was a rich and respected member of society, they paid me to give away my boy, and to keep quiet.  Now, I have succeeded in life and have a lot of money.  However, I remember that first child of mine, and wonder what has happened to him.  I want him to know that I have never forgotten him all these years and want to shower him with all my riches and love. How do I go about finding him?

Lo Mo

Dear Lo Mo,

Ah Ma? Is that you, after all these years?

Ah Beng

24 September 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

Let me tell you a bit about my family.  My grandfather was a secret society member.  My father is a secret society member.  All my brothers are secret society members.  So it is expected that I would also become a secret society member.  I feel that its very unfair that they never asked me what I wanted, because I don’t want to be a secret society member.  I want to be a policeman.  Because every time I watch TV, all the secret society members go to jail and all the policemen look like heroes.  Can you please advise? 

Cho Mah Tah

Dear Mah Tah

Don’t be so stupid, lah.  TV is all bluff, one.  You cannot believe everything you see.  Of course the police catch secret society members, but they catch the stupid ones.  All the clever ones are still free, right?  Like your father and your brothers.  Even though your father and brothers never ask what you want, they only want the best for you.  At times, it may feel that they only want you as an extra person to bring to a hoot, but deep, deep down inside, they really care about you.  And you should be proud that they want you to be a secret society member.  The secret society has been around for thousands of years, much longer than the police.  Not everyone can get in, one.  You should feel privileged that your family has oreddy made space for you to join.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

You see ah, last week, I met this girl … see bay jude, I tell you.  So I go try to know her better.  But then, I discover that she say “gong” when I say “dah”, she say “lim” when I say “jiah”.  At first, I thought this is no problem – I just do a few times with her then siam like crazy.  But then ah, everytime I saw her, my heart felt like it was going to explode.  And I knew that it must be love.  Knowing that our families will never approve, she and I ran away to get married by ourselves.  But now, our families have found out, and we both kena, I tell you.  Her family say I spoilt her merchandise, and my family say she seduced me.  Now there is going to be a big hoot and we both don’t know what to do.  Pliss help us.

Kah Le Gong and Mai Suah Dah

Dear Le Gong and Suah Dah,

Congratulations on your happy day.  Problems like yours are very common, and believe me when I say that nobody really wants to have a big hoot over the two of you.  The trick to finding the way out is to look for one that does not make anybody lose face.  Unfortunately, that usually only means that you two have to commit suicide.  On the other hand, if you go through with the hoot, honor is restored and (usually) nobody will complain if you stay together after that, especially if both of you get badly injured.  The choice is yours.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I always admired my Tua Tao.  He is very tua-jiah, and his muscles all very big one.  Last week, we all had a big hoot.  We hamtam the other side until they all zao.  In the fight, my Tua Tao’s shirt got torn, and when I saw him standing there only in his shorts,  covered with sweat and other people’s blood, I suddenly realized how handsome he is.  And then, I cannot control myself, and my thing become hard.  Now I don’t know what to do.  I can’t stop thinking about him, and kuay don’t interest me any more.  I’m afraid that if I tell him, he’ll kill me.  Please help.

Wai Kam Lan

Dear Kam Lan,

Wah piang, eh … You’re on your own for this one. 

Ah Beng

17 September 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

 I have a real problem in my job you know.  There is this woman accounting person in my office who is very ngeow, you know.  She even rations toilet paper!  There are so many times when I go to the toilet and she doesn’t have toilet paper in there for us.  You have to go to her and she will ask you, for what?  Wah lau eh, go toilet for what?  What you think?  And then ah, to get a mechanical pencil from her ah, she will ask you to return the old mechanical pencil – I return to her and still not enough.  She wants the old mechanical pencil with the little old rubber at the bottom of the pencil back.  Wah lau eh, I already finished using the rubber many years ago!  What is wrong with this woman!  And then however many times we complain to the boss, the boss still side with her.  I think maybe there got some secret story one.  So what you think?  What can I do?

Fedup Express

Dear Fedup Express,

This sort of mad woman cannot just cham siong one. Talk to her no use - must teach her with action!  So the next time she ask why you need toilet paper, go and shit on her desk.  And for that matter, the next time she ask you for rubber, also go and shit on her desk!  And as for your boss siding with her, I think you're right about the secret story.  The best way is to go and sleep with your boss yourself.  But if do'wan to do that, then call me at my office to arrange for a consultation.  We have a special scheme involving incriminating photographs that may help'chu.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I really want to be have a girlfriend you know.  Really, really want.  But don’t know why cannot get girlfriend.  I suspect they can smell the desperation in me.  But then the more they smell the desperation, the more desperate I get.  How?  What do I do?

Hong Kan

Dear Hong Kan,

It's true, women can smell desperation.  Unless you pay them money.  Which is what I recommend.  So come to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69, because there, for just a little contribution, you will find girlfriends who cannot smell, cannot taste, cannot feel and frankly, couldn't care less about you.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have a terrible headache from thinking about this problem.  You must help me so I can have some face.  Two years ago, I bought a Lexus (very wayang, right?).  So I just happily telling people I own a Lexus.  Then recently, my business become so tok kong, I went to buy another Lexus.  So here’s the problem: how do I boast to my friends that I own two ???? What is the plural or Lexus? Lexuses or Lexi?  Now I wish I bought a Marseelis, but then last time I thought Marseelis got too many syllables – very hard to pronounce.  Acherly, I also donno what to call two Marseelis. Tell me what to do?

Lolex

Dear Lolex,

I don'ch blame you for this sort of headache.  The trouble is all these na behs who come up with car names are all chia'h ang-mor sai one.  But there is an easy way to solve your problem.  When you want to lawa to your friends about your cars, just say, "I got TWO Lexus, one." And make sure you stick out two fingers so they understand.  And this also works for Marseelis.  Anyway, when you got TWO Lexus or Marseelis, why you care what people think of your Engrish?

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Prof. Eng

Dear Prof. Eng,

Wah lan eh, you damn wu liao one, go and research this sort of condemn thing.  And early-early don't come and ask me before you go around the world.  The story behind the game is this: one time there was a dirty old man who went to Lorong 69 Geylang and wanted to find a girl.  But he could not speak Engrish or Hokkien, which were the only two languages spoken by the people there.  So he had to use sign language.  If you notice, the words in chee ku pak are all a bit suggestive sounding: "ku ku", "ku chi", "chi pak", "pak ku", "ku pak", etc.  The old man was using his hands to specify his requirements.  Except that the bouncer din'ch know and thought he was damn rude and went to hantam him.  Some chewrens in the area saw and started playing the game, and copying the dirty old man's hand movements.  And so the name of the game is a corruption of "chee ko pek", or 'dirty old man' in Hokkien.

Ah Beng

11 September 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

Last week I saw this guy who look damn sia lan.  So I stare at him. Stare and stare and stare. Stare until I got one kind of headache. But he never see! I was damn chee kek. Can you tell me what is the proper way to stare at people?

Pah Cheow

 Dear Pah Cheow,

Staring is an art which takes time to master. To stare properly, you must narrow your eyes (but not so much until people think you've fallen asleep!) and look very hard at your target. (Check a mirror to make sure you're not pah chiao.)  Sometimes your target may not know that you're staring at him.  In that case, you must wayang a bit.  Maybe you should pace up and down in front of him and mutter things like, "Na beh! Ni nao hiah!" Or keep punching your own fist repeatedly. Or give him the finger.  If he still doesn't notice you, then just go ahead and hoot him. Sometimes when faced with people who do not understand our social conventions, we must just expedite. 

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I was digging my nose in bed the other day, and proceeded to flick my pee sai (boogers) onto the floor.  My wife then called me a bloody gross person, and said I should have wiped it on a piece of tissue paper and thrown it away. But I argued that pee sai is biodegradable, what! Why go and waste a perfectly good tissue? Which of us is right?

Gold-Digger

Dear Gold-Digger,

You are both right.  Your wife was right in that you are bloody gross for flicking pee sai onto the floor.  But you are right in that there is no need to waste tissue paper on biodegradable waste. What you should have done is wiped it off under your bed.  If there is no bed or table to wipe it under, simply roll it between your fingers till it dries out. Then you can flick it anywhere you want.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My wife is a mah-jong addict.  Every day also pay.  Never take care of the house, never cook, never take care of baby.  I try to stop her, but still no luck. How?

Puak Kiao

Dear Puak Kiao,

Gamblers are addicted to the possibility of winning.  Remove the possibility and you also stop the addiction.  Ask her to enrol in this special programme, "Mahjong Addicts Anonymous", run by my blood blarder Peng Woo.  How it works is like this:  Peng Woo will gamble with her and he guarantees she will lose every game until she gives up.  The programme is a bit expensive but you will get your wife back.  The motto of the programme is, "Join us and you'll find that you've nothing left to lose."

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Why do you have such a long last fingernail?

Biter

Dear Biter,

According to tradition, if your last finger is shorter than the last section of your ring finger, then your life will be si beh cham.  So some people grow their fingernails to compensate.  But nowsaday, we grow our last fingernail for more practical reasons - it's very useful for picking nose, digging ears and playing scratchcards.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I  just found out that my daughter is secretly having sex for money. Can you suggest anything to help?

Si Bay Suay

Dear Si Bay Suay,

What your daughter needs is professional career guidance, so that she can maximize the returns from her job.  Send her to my office at No. 6969 Lorong 69 Geylang (you can't miss it - it's the one with red light in the window) and I'll set up an interview.

Ah Beng

3 September 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

Me and my blood blarder are planning a big hoot next week. But we got a bit buay gam. I say in a fight, use chain better.  But he say use stick better. We talk here, talk there, still cannot settle. Until now, we still both buay song with each other. Help, leh!

Kah Ley Tao

Dear Ley Tao, 

Actually, both stick and chain also can. Chain can whack harder, but stick can whack more accurately. I remember teng pai I use a chain, I swing here, swing there, accidentally go and whack my own kakis. Wah lan, they were si peh buay song with me. Even though we won, after the fight, I dare not show my face for three days.  So my advice is, unless you're Bruce Lee, stick to the stick.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm buay song with my new Tua Tao. He go Hong Kong five years and mix with the secret society that side, now want to come back and take over and change everything. I tell him, "All this is tradition, one. If good for your grandfudder, good for your fudder, why you so hao lian one?" But he say "Kum pooi! You don't shut up, I will hantam you teruk-teruk!" So I don't say anymore, but inside, I si peh too lan.  I want to leave and join another gang but gang rules say I can only leave if I die. How?

Too Lan

Dear Too Lan,

You are not alone.  Got many people in the same situation as you, so I have come up with a simple 10 step programme to settle your problem:

1.  Steal ketchup from KFC. Make sure you use KFC ones, not McDonald's , not Burger King. Their colour is sala one.

2.  Tell your Tua Tao that you want to belanjah him at Boat Quay. Make sure your table is by the river.

3.  Order the most expensive dish for him. Tear open the ketchup and hide it under the table.

4.  When the food comes, offer to taste it for him first. If he ask why, say the waiter looks like someone from a rival gang.

5.   When he looks at the waiter, quickly squirt the ketchup into your mouth. But don't swallow!

6.  When your Tua Tao looks back at you, just smile and take a bite from his food.

7.  Then make sure you wayang like crazy and make the ketchup flow from your mouth like blood. If you can make it come out of your nose, better still.

8.   Point at the waiter and say, with feeling, "Na beh... poison... si liao...."

9.   Fall into the river.  When your Tua Tao goes after the waiter, quickly swim away.  By the time your Tua Tao comes back, he'll think you've drowned. Since you are now "dead", you can leave the gang with no problem.

10.  After it is all over, put an envelope with S$500 behind the third stall of the men's toilet on the second floor of Hougang Plaza.  Otherwise your Tua Tao might "accidentally" find this letter in his mail.

Hope this helps.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am saving up money so I can go to Geylang to chase kway for the first time. My brudders all tell me that Geylang is the place to "eat, eat, eat and do, do, do". But eat first, then do, or do first, then eat? How? I want my first time to be special.

Wah Bay Hiao

Dear Bay Hiao,

Aiyoh. Of course, do first then eat, lah! Eat orreddy, pah-pah, how to do? Since it's your first time, I also give you free advice: when you meet the kway for the first time, DON'T call her "Pooi Eh".  When she brings you to the room, DON'T ask her, "Got discount or not?" And when she takes off her clothes, DON'T say "Wah piang."  If you somehow manage to say all 3, then you better quickly siam before she gets her hands on your ku ku chiao.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I want to complain about the quality of today's gangsters.  It's been two months since the police raided Sim Lim Plaza for VCD pirates, and up till today, they still haven't reopened their shops.  I remember last time, two hours after a raid orreddy they all reopen. What's wrong with you people now? Got no standard! I ask you how I'm supposed to get my computer games now?

Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,

The Management sincerely apologizes for this interruption in service.  As a customer, you are very important to us and we are presently reorganizing to serve you better.  Please send us your address and we promise you a special free gift from us this very day!

Ah Beng

27 August 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

My neighbour has been very inconsiderate, allowing his dog to keep coming into my garden to "do his business".  I have complained about the matter to him, but he is unresponsive. What can I do?

Cannot-Take-It

Dear Cannot-Take-It,

The answer is simple.  As we say in the trade, take him "aw-buay" (behind) to settle.  If cannot settle, then hoot him until settled.  Alternatively, if you don't like hooting, you can gently remind him of his inconsiderate behaviour by whacking his dog and leaving it hanging in front of his door.  And if you're Cantonese, you could even unearth grandma's old recipe for dog stew.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Lately I have been feeling that the romance is out of my marriage.  Is there anything you can suggest to put a bit of spice back in it?

Spice Boy

 Dear Spice Boy,

Go to No. 90-052 Geylang Lorong 69 (it's  the house with the red lanterns), and ask for "Tiffany".  She has this trick with belacan that is mind-blowing, amongst other things. After "learning" it, you can then teach your wife how to "hiam-hiam" too.   

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have been a conscientious saver for many years, but lately, have been feeling that bank accounts, even fixed deposits,  simply do not give me sufficient returns. What can I do to boost my investments?

Thumbprint

Dear Thumbprint,

After consulting some colleagues of mine, we believe the investment scheme with the highest yields is to take out all your savings and hand them to a man called "Ah Loy" at the Causeway. (He's the one with the tattoos of the snake and the panther making love.)  On the first Monday of each month, on request, he will hand you cash that will amount to 50% more than the interest that any bank will give you. He also gives very good ang-pows at Chinese New Year. Or you may never see him again. But as most investment gurus will tell you, no risk, no returns.

Ah Beng