Dear Ah Beng...
Let your friendly neighbourhood pai kiah help you 'settle' your problems

4 December 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

What is the best way to choose 4D numbers, ah? I've used a mix of methods to date: buying special dates like my date of birth or wedding day, or picking random scraps of paper marked with numbers, or even jotting down license plate numbers of cars who've kena accident. But, hor, I whole life never touch! Any recommendations?

Boo Kee

Dear Boo Kee,

Only got one way to make sure the winning number is yours: go and threaten someone high up in Singapore Pools to rig everything. But this may be more expensive than you  are willing to pay. So, the next more economical alternative is to go and ask the ghosts. My suggestion: go to Kranji plot 13 there, and look for the grave of "Boey See Ji".  Put down enough money for at least ten big ten small (this ghost doesn't take small bets) and also, leave a packet of char kway teow on the headstone. Once you've done this, you must leave the gravesite for half an hour (no cheating or peeking, otherwise sure won't touch!). When you come back, the money and kway teow will be gone, and you'll find a number written  in chalk on the tomb.  This number sure come out at some point, but warn you first: it may take some time, even years, before it does.  Especially if the kway teow is lousy quality one.  One important thing: since this ghost is my contact, you MUST call me first to tell me when you're going so I can prepare. The ghost, that is.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I run a small Southeast Asian country. We're doing pretty well economically, but one of our neighbours got hit very bad during the Asian crisis.  We lent them a lot of money, but just last week, he talk bad about us! I am damn buay song.  How do I express my buay song-ness without starting a diplomatic incident? Some more, he threaten to cut off our water!

Ah Tong

Dear Ah Tong,

I always say the classics work best: paste his photo in his lift, with "owe money, never pay" on it. Or hang a pig's head on his door. But I understand that this sort of thing cannot do in international diplomacy. Especially if he can affect your strategic interests. So I suggest you start funding a coup instead. Or just buy the bleddy country, lah. It must be a bargain now. And we could also use the maids. 

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I really want to stop smoking, but I've failed each time I've tried. I've gone cold turkey, I've used nicotine patches, chewed smoker's gum... everything! Is there any hope for me?

Chia Hoong Kee

Dear Hoong Kee,

Aiyah, I think people kow peh kow boo too much about smoking.  There are few things as pleasurable as squatting by a longkang with your tattooed friends and smoking, while occasionally making kissing noises at char bors as they walk pass. I especially love a solid cigarette after sex.  It really gets the taste of her chee bye out of my mouth. But anyway, you want to quit, you want to quit.  Curing addiction is acherly a simple matter. First, remove the association of pleasure with smoking. How? Each time you want to smoke, get a friend to hoot you until you peng san. Soon, you'll associate smoking with extreme pain.  But it's not enough. You must then replace it with an association of greater pleasure in doing something else. Like shooting heroin. Guarantee you once you inject heroin, you won't want to smoke anymore. Hope this helps.

Ah Beng

27 November 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

Any tips for maintaining the last fingernail?  Sometimes when I take bus, I accidentally jab someone and it breaks. Or the nail has a chip, and I must start all over again. Also, it gets in the way of using my chopsticks when I eat.  I always cut it off and regret later. I don't need it to be very long one.  Three inches is enough.

Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

First, your last fingernail can never be long enough.  In Ah Beng circles, size is EVERYTHING, understand? As for maintaining it, I suggest you lacquer it.  It not only hardens the nail, but it also makes it si beh shiny.  So when you threaten people, you can wave it, and let the light glint off it menacingly.  Si beh hiong one.  As for it getting in the way of eating, just ask your girlfriend to feed you, lah! Oreddy pay her Mummy so much, the least she can do is feed you too.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I was once an Ah Beng like you, free and easy, everyday cho bo in kopi tiam.  But then my mother scold me everyday, say I "boh lor eng".  So on my 30th birthday, I decided to BE SOMEBODY.  I worked very hard: daytime repair air-con, night-time go to class.  Soon, got "A" level and even save enough to go Australia and get degree. Now I come back, I'm 43 years old, but still cannot find job.  Accounting firm all si beh chia kantang one, do'wan to hire me because I didn't come from the usual track.  And my old friends also think I now si beh atas, do'wan to give me work.  Sure, I can go back to repair air-con, but then study for what? Help!

Ah Seng

Dear Ah Seng,

This is a very useful lesson to you: don'ch think that just because you follow what other people say you'll be happy. You must make yourself happy, even if it makes your mother too lan. (Mother got lan, meh? Hmmm.)  Anyway, I may have a job for you. My company needs to launder our prostitution profits through some dummy corporation, so someone with a background in accounting and air-con repair will come in useful. Just bring your c.v. to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69. And perm your hair and get a tattoo first.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

You know women's toilets, ah (okay, maybe you donno, but I'm telling you lah), always got people pee all over the seat!  They not only do'wan to sit down on the seat, but do'wan even to touch it to lift it up, because donno whether the seat got kutu or something.  Last time, some women squat on the seat , but then the gah'men send the toilet police to check because they were leaving shoeprints on the seat. So nowsaday, women always stand and hover over the seat to pee.  While this is very good for the thighs (no need to go gym oreddy), it means women cannot aim properly and then the seat gets wet.  Some more, this means that sometimes women get splattered also.  The situation gets worse, because the next person to use the toilet has to hover over an already wet seat, and lagi risk getting splattered. How?

Mai Phang Jio

Dear Phang Jio,

This problem is a bit out of my sphere of experience.  I will have to study the subject more carefully. Tell you what, I will install hidden webcams in women's toilets to see whether this is the case.  Then for a small monthly charge, I will send the footage to some perv..., er, connoisseurs of women peeing and see whether they have any suggestions to improve your technique. Okay?

Ah Beng

20 November 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm getting married next month. My wife and I acherly want a very simple, small wedding, with only our closest friends and relatives in attendance.  But our parents, hor, want to invite every Tom, Dick and Harry they have ever known, including neighbours from the old kampung which they moved out of 25 years ago (and whom they haven't seen since), and my father's retarded half-uncle from Batu Pontianak who's now out on parole. Looking at the guest list, I now have to rent the bleddy Indoor Stadium!  When we told our parents, they all kao peh kao bu, say if we don't invite these people, they got no face. I say, if we invite these people, we got no more money. How like that?

Ai Kao Eng

Dear Kao Eng,

You must understand your parents.  A wedding is a si beh big deal for them, one. Of course they want to include everyone, and share their pride.  The trouble is, as you have pointed out, it also means sharing your bank accounts.  I propose a solution. No need hotel or restaurant. Hold your wedding in the empty plot of land next to the Bukit Gorblok Incineration Plant. Get your reservist unit mess to cater the food. Hire red plastic seats and 'marquee' (i.e. tarpaulin tent) from your friendly neighbourhood funeral parlour. Let your parents invite whoever they want to invite.  And at the door, get some tattooed friends (maybe your retarded half-uncle from Batu Pontianak?) to collect ang-pows, announcing how much each person has given as they enter the venue.  Make sure you describe all of this in your invitation. Whoever still comes to your wedding will prove themselves to be your closest friends and relatives.  Good luck!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm trying to lose some weight, but my nao hiah friends keep offering me cakes and ice cream, lah, inviting me to Hokkien Restaurants to eat kong bak pau, lah. But each time I tell them to stop tempting me, they only laugh and offer me more stewed ter kah. And if I don't take the food, hor, they get offended. How?

Mai Kah Pooi

Dear Kah Pooi,

Wah, si beh siong like that. I think this sort of situation, you must use psycho-logy. Right now your friends get offended if you don't take the food.  So you must make them offended when you do take the food.  I suggest the next makan outing you all go to, make sure you eat everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Then make sure you vomit it all out. At the table. Preferably splatting some of your friends.  I guarantee you they'll never put food in front of you or invite you out to makan ever again.  So you can finally be slim.  Lonely, but slim.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I belong to the Chap Sar Tiam secret society who operates around Bukit Gorblok. Two years ago, they sponsored me to go and get a diploma in hooting at the prestigious Piah Chui College in Kuala Lumpar. In exchange for this great honour, I have to serve a lifetime bond. Nearing graduation that time, hor, I began to get interested in a career as a police officer.  They offered me regular income, CPF, NTUC membership, even laser surgery to remove my tattoos. I feel bad at wanting to break my bond, but the offer from the police force is very, very tempting, especially since it means social acceptability. What should I do?

Piah Kao Sian

Dear Kao Sian,

Si noong kia! People give you such tok kong opportunity and you suka-suka do'wan? Na beh! You must remember that you have a MORAL obligation to serve out your bond with your secret society!  We secret societies hold deeply MORAL convictions about our immoral activities (for which we have also obtained deeply criminal convictions). You think what? Your grandfudder's secret society, is it? If you leave our secret society, we will take all steps to SHAME you.  We will paste your photo and IC at every void deck in Bukit Gorblok, telling everyone how shameful it is that you have turned your back on a life of crime and become a police officer! Then you will chai see, and wonder how you can show your face in public!

Ah Beng

5 November 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

I got this supplier, hor, who used to do a lot of solid business with me, and I made a lot of money.  Recently, hor, he has not been giving me very much business and now even owes me a lot of money. Now it's coming to his big birthday, and I donno what to do.  Should I give him a present to thank him for all the good business we used to do, and which may happen again, or should I not give him anything, to remind him that he owes me money?

Chiam Looi

Dear Chiam Looi,

Just remember that when it comes to giving presents, the old saying is correct: it's the thought that counts.  But what if your thoughts are si beh complicated?  Then your gift should also be complicated.  My suggestion is that you should give him a birthday gift - a nice, fresh pig's head tied up in ribbon, available from discerning wet markets all over Singapore.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Lately, I find that I 'steam' my buddy's girlfriend more and more.  I really, really want to potong jalan, but then, hor, I do'wan people to accuse me of dubber-crossing my buddy.  How?

Chow Kah

Dear Chow Kah,

This kind of probrem, hor, is standard one. Basically, you have to find someway for your buddy to meet with a fatal 'accident', then proceed to pok his girlfriend by pretending to comfort her.  The tricky thing is to arrange the 'accident'.  We recommend something automobile-related because you can also buy 4D after that. So even if he doesn't die, can still have chance to win some compensation.  If you need some help with the 'accident', you can check with our professional consultants at Accident Planners (S) Pte Ltd.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I recently hired a feng shui consultant to redo my office to improve my business. He charge me very high, but after that, hor, my business instead went down!  I went to the feng shui master to cham siong but, hor, he give all sorts of excuses, say it's not the fault of the feng shui lah, it's the economy lah, it's my customer service lah, all this nongsngse.  I check with my lawyer and he also say cannot claim. Basically, on the face of it, the feng shui man honestly rendered a service, and for that must pay, even though it didn't succeed. The chao lawyer also say is very difficult to prove my drop in business is due to the feng shui. All I can do is not use him again. I can't believe this! Where got justice?

Ba Gua

Dear Ba Gua,

The answer is damn simple.  Justice is eye for an eye, one.  So he re-arrange your office, just re-arrange his bleddy face.  If you donno how, just approach my colleagues at Human Feng Shui Consultants (S) Pte Ltd.  We'll make sure his nose will be constantly running water and facing diagonally from now on.  For an extra fee, we'll also do some remodelling to your lawyer's face.

Ah Beng

29 October 2000:

Dear Ah Beng, 

Got this person, hor, who borrow money from my company. But then, ah, when I want to find him to collect that time, hor, I found he oreddy siam his house and disappear.  I only got his email address. When I email him that time, he reply, saying, "Too bad!" How?

Giah Looi

Dear Giah Looi,

Nowsaday in this technological age, we no need to go personally to a person's house to harass him to repay money.  For example, you can go to my new wepsite, e-AhLong.com.sg, a B2B service that specializes in debt recovery for small businesses.  For a small commission (payable by credit card on our secure server), we can email him daily payment reminders such as the following:

If he has a wepsite himself, our special software can locate it and paste this on his home page, together with his IC number. Welcome to the New Economy!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm a happily married woman. But last week, hor, I went to a tupperware party and one of my best char bor friends decided to hiao lay lay with me! Wah lao! I pretend I din'ch see, but she again come and  say she long time oreddy want to 'do' me.  I si beh stone, don'ch know what to do. I immediately siam from the house. Is damn awkward. I'm not a lesbian, but she's also one of my best char bor friends and I don'ch want to hurt her feelings. Next week got another tupperware party, sure to see her. What should I do?

Kiah Tio Kan

Dear Tio Kan,

This is a very difficult situation and cannot be resolved merely by confrontation and talking.  I discussed this with my other colleagues, and we think it deserves our special attention. We suggest that at the next party, you agree to her offer of lesbian sex, but say you very awkward as it's your first time. When it comes to 'doing it' that time, try your best to see it from her point of view. After all, she's one of your best friends and it could be both educational and pleasurable. at the same time, we will be in an adjoining room, operating a spycam and videotaping the whole thing, for closer observation.  If you liked the lesbian experience, then ho say leow, and we can sell you the videotape as a souvenir. If you decide you din'ch like it, then we can both blackmail her with the tape.  It's a win-win situation.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Now go university must take SAT. My whole life, I a chow mugger toad one. Now got reasoning skills, sure die. How? My father say I don'ch get into NUS, I sure tio sai from him.

Stoner

Dear Stoner,

Don'ch worrage. I am setting up a special private SAT centre for people like you.  It's not cheap, but I guarantee you'll pass.  No drilling, no mugging, one. What happens is that all my students will sit for the actual SAT to be administered 2 days before it is given by NUS. How? That's a trade secret. But let's just say it involves threats of violence and various parts of a pig's anatomy. Hurry up and enrol, leh!

Ah Beng

15 October 2000:

Dear Ah Beng, 

I've just graduated from a recognized university. And am now working in a very cho company. The boss always delays my pay and is very calculative with me in terms of leave, claims etc. The worst thing is I donno even got year end bonus or not. I wanted to quit but they still owe me half a month's pay and I've been working as a full timer with no CPF at all! I want to get even with them but I donno how....

Pek Chek

Dear Pek Chek,

    This case is damn classic one. If you go see a lawyer, he sure tell you go and report him to CPF Board, lah, sue him, lah, all these waste time kind of things. 
    But I think if you play your cards right, he may acherly not only pay you what he owes, but also give you the CPF amount directly out of his own pocket.  As well as your bonus.
    In these standard cases, I am a believer in following traditional methods. After all, we must maintain our culture!
    One way is to photostat his photo and paste all over his estate, clearly marked "Owe Money Never Pay". Don't forget to include his IC number.
    Another traditional method is to put a pillow under your dress, stand outside his house and cry loudly, "Lau Ban! Why you do'wan to pay for your own son?"
    Then you may also want to consider classic methods like hanging a pig's head outside his door. (Or chicken's head if you're on a budget.)
    The good news is that you don'ch have to do this yourself. For a small commission, you can hire tattooed professionals to do the dirty work for you.  Just come to 6969 Geylang Lorong 69 and ask for "Ah Long" (not his real name).  Tell him Ah Beng sent you and sure got discount.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I got one big problem. I only seem able to leave my flat if I'm wearing my sister's clothes and full make-up including blue eye shadow, beauty spot and highlights. Ordinarily, I know this is not a problem.  Except my name is Gurvinder, I have a beard and I weigh 120 kg.  To make matters worse I drive a SBS bus. Please help!

Gurvinder

Dear Gurvinder,

Don'ch worry, no one will dare to laugh at a 120 kg cross-dressing bhai.  At least not in front of your face.  Your real problem, however, is blue eye shadow, which nowsaday is damn obiang.  I suggest you go down to see my friend Ah Lien, who mans the Kanebu Cosmetics booth at Bukit Gorblok Shopping Centre.  She sure give you solid advice one.  Also, please tell us what number bus you drive? I think I need to see your problem for myself.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I've been married for several years. Lately I've been feeling that my wife's temper is getting worse and worse.  She has scolded me several times in front of my friends, and she often flies off the handle when I make the smallest mistake.  Several times she has thrown my things around (and at me) and has also kicked and punched me. Sometimes, I think she actually takes pleasure in hurting me. We also haven't had sex for a damn long time. It's gotten to a stage where I want a divorce but I haven't been able to speak to her. (I think I'm also scared of her reaction when she hears about it.) How?

Tio Sai

Dear Tio Sai,

Is si beh sad when a couple reaches this point in a marriage.  But there's no use trying to wayang anymore.  It's best for each to find their way to their own happiness.  But I may be able to help both of you!  You see, one of my Ah Long has just been "retired" by a rival gang and I need to find a replacement samseng to go round and hoot people.  I think your wife may be the perfect candidate!  So why not bring her over to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69.  I think she'll find the job offer to be damn solid.  As for you, if your wife takes the job, I will let you have free tiger show (and throw in half a bottle of XO).

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am always counselling my friends when they have troubles, and it makes me feel good to help them. Can you please tell me how to be a counsellor like you?

Tang Kah Chew

Dear Kah Chew,

Ni na beh! You think I who? Help you come and potong jalan my seng lee, is it? Ni nao hiah! You just wait - I'm going to call all my kaki go and hoot you upside down! We'll shove your bleddy lum par so far up your kachng until you can taste them! Regards.

Ah Beng