Dear Ah Beng...
Let your friendly neighbourhood pai kiah help you 'settle' your problems

12 February 2001

Dear Ah Beng,

Valentine's Day (V.D.) is coming, but you know, lah, V.D. is such a big con. All the florists charge like siao, and the restaurants also want to ketok you by coming up with a "special" V.D. menu, also at some si beh "special" price.  But if I don't do anything for V.D., then my girlfriend sure kao peh kao bu! How? 

Loh Mun Teck

Dear Mun Teck,

I also say! Valentine's Day is one super big con.  Not say I say what, ah, but if your girlfriend is the type to make noise if you don't waste money, you'd be better off spending February 14 without her in Geylang Lorong 69.  You'll spend as much as you would at your nearest Jack's Place, but you'll also get more meat for your money, if you know what I mean. Besides, Geylang is definitely the place to go where V.D. is concerned.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

This boy I've been dating has been showering me with gifts. Flowers, lah, teddy bears, lah, jewellery, lah. Problem is, he's not very interesting and I really want to break off with him. Must I return him all the things he has given me? I've gotten very attached to them.

Huan Mee Kia

Dear Mee Kia,

Aiyah, don'ch worrage. He won' ask for the things back one, lah. So malu. But, wah lau, you got one kind of attitude, hor! Wan' to take people's things but do'wan to take them! Like that, what you should do is come and work for me at Geylang Lorong 69.  You sound like you have what it takes!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

As Valentine's Day comes, I'm feeling very lonely. I've been looking for the right person for years, but no luck. I don't need some rich person, or super-intellectual.   I'm just looking for someone who takes the effort to understand me, and who'll listen to me when I share my thoughts, who's considerate about my feelings and patient, and generally kind. I don't think I'm asking for very much, yet how come I haven't found this right person? What will it take for me to find my soul mate?

Lonely

Dear Lonely,

You're just looking for love in all the wrong places!  In Geylang Lorong 69, virtually everyone shows the qualities you're looking for (and they're also not rich or super-intellectual), as long as you chut money. In fact, for the right amount, they can be anything you want them to be! I donno about soul mates, but Geylang is definitely the place to find hole mates! Uh, that is, if you are a man. If you're a char bor, then if you're lonely on V-Day, then chances are you're very argly. If so, then just get plastic surgery, lor.

Ah Beng

5 February 2001

Dear Ah Beng,

Last week, I met this man who offered to sell me this lucky magic stone for $20,000. It seemed to be such a good deal, as just by rubbing it, the man could tell that I was an easily-influenced moron, which is exactly how my husband describes me! However, after handing over my life savings worth $20,000, I find that the stone doesn't work. Now I can't afford to pay my bills or to finance my daughter's education. How?

Stoner

Dear Stoner,

Eh, eh, eh! Be careful, leh! Like I told you last week when you bought the stone from me, you must not doubt the magic stone. You must be patient with its powers! If you get kan cheong, then it cannot work. Even worse, if you call the police, then the stone will reverse its powers and you will have incredibly bad luck for 44 years! The last person who reported me started growing pubic hair in her ears! All true, I swear! But in the meantime, if you need money, I can arrange for you to have a part time job at Neng Neng Massage Parlour and KTV at Geylang Lorong 69. 

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

When is a girl's most fertile and least fertile times of the month?

Ovulater

Dear Ovulater,

Most fertile period: your boyfriend/husband's payday. Least fertile period: during World Cup.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I've been conducting this internet relationship with this girl for the past few months. I really, really like her and look forward to our chats a lot. Recently, I asked for her photo, but she din'ch wan to give me, saying why are looks important? The important thing is we get along so well. What she says makes sense, but why do I still feel like I need to know what she looks like? 

Showmeleh

Dear Showmeleh,

People always say that on the internet, hor,  is when people are the most honest, when they no need to be concerned about their looks lah, their income lah, all these surface things. I agree. So I will also be very honest with you: your friend is not giving you her photo probably because she is either si beh argly or a man.

Ah Beng

10 January 2001

Dear Ah Beng,

Ok, this one is a short question.  Ah Beng Kor Kor, do you have girlfriend or not?  If not, leave me SMS message OK?  94502829.

Dreaming of you,

Ah Lien Mei Mei

Dear Ah Lien Mei Mei,

I always say that girlfriends are like durian biji - you can't have only one.  Also, girls who are proficient in communications technology are si beh appealing.  (We Ah Bengs always like call girls, lah!) Call you soon!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Ever since I watched the movie Badboy (For Badboys Only), I have been thinking everyday of Ekin Cheng. I think his belly-button is so cute! But then, I am so fat you know, not like the girls that he likes in the movie. How, you think he’ll love me for my personality?  Or do you think I should go and lose weight?

 Starstruck

Dear Starstruck,

According to a recent report by a distinguished ang-mor geneticist, men acherly prefer fat women. But that is because most fat women have si beh tua neh neh.  And trust me, men will ignore everything for a pair of si beh tua neh neh. So you may be in luck.  Also, if you want to go after tua kee superstars like Ekin Cheng, you must go the extra mile and appeal to him on more than just looks and personality.  I suggest you write to him and say, "Ekin, last time you call yourself 'Noodle'.  And I am a tua pooi sai.  So together we can make Ter Kah Mee." The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, after all.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have a chronic fear of sales assistants.  I get cold sweat whenever I have to ask one of them a question and I start to shiver uncontrollably.  They usually don’t let me try on any clothes after that because I am sweating so much.  May be it’s because when I was a child, a sales assistant yelled at me for running in and out of racks of clothes.  And this is really a problem because actually, I really like shopping.

Mousey

Dear Mousey,

I don'ch blame you for shivering at the sight of sales assistants.  I suspect they are all trained at giving people the cold shoulder.  (I also think so they are all si beh frigid, because when I try to touch their cold shoulder and make them warm-warm that time, they always call police. Na beh!) But try to see it from the sales assistants' point of view.  If you had a job like theirs, which is to stand around looking sian, and keep repeating "out of stock" to everyone the whole day long, you would be nasty to people too. But there's a simple way to ensure you'll always get good, polite service from them.  And that is to become an ang-mor.  Good luck!

Ah Beng

2 January 2001

Dear Ah Beng,

I tell you, I really need your advice. I think I am very different from my friends now. You see, I grew up in Boon Lay and used to hang out with my friends in Boon Lay. But then now I am different. I got a degree in Computer Engineering from University of Knobsend from England through MTC Computing in People's Park. My friends just want to talk about where to go for tzer char but now I think they should appreciate the finer things in life, like eating at Holland Village or something. And then I cannot stand it, they get together and play mahjong but they don't understand, they should be playing golf! Every day play mahjong where got prospect? So next time they call me, how to say I am not interested? I don't want them to think I look down on them, but they really got no prospect!

--Buay Hao Lian

Dear Hao Lian,

Forget about your friends, they are a waste of your time. Unlike you, they don't have a promising career as an assistant systems analyst working for slave wages in a small dot.com company. So the next time your cho bo friends ask you to go out for mahjong, just tell them to go fly kite. You are no longer a Heartlander, you are now a Cosmopolitan. So go out and be proud of your prospects.

--Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

You know ah, all my friend say, my daughter go out with ang mor very good, very high class. Then next time I can visit America and stay in their big house. The problem is, the ang mor say ah, wedding the girl family must pay for everything you know. Like that very loo gee for me you know. I invest so much money in my daughter then wedding still got to pay. How like that? You think I should let her marry the ang mor or not?

-- Jin Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Don't worry about the wedding, you must think long term. In America, they have this very good thing called the divorce settlement. After your daughter marries him, half of what he owns belongs to her. So you will get half of his big house, his car, and everything else. So if he wants you to pay for the wedding, say can. Then you and daughter just need to wait a few years, then she can divorce him and you can collect money already. Repeat as many times as you need until you get enough for your retirement. Good Luck!

-- Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I need capital very fast man. How to get? My neighbor's brother's friend from Japan say he can sell me 50 Nokee 9950 handphone cheap - only $250 each. You know, Nokee 9950 won't come to Singapore until 2 months later. If I get the handphones now ah, I can make a killing you know. This kang tau is so good, cannot miss. Time is running out, I don't know how to get the money.

- Wu Kang Tau

Dear Kang Tau,

You are a very lucky man. I just happen to have a lobang for you. I can lend you the $12500 you need. Not only that, I'll let you have it at the very competitive rate of 10% rest, compounded daily. If you check the banks, you'll find out that they'll only offer you 6%, and compounded only once a year! They all bluff people, one. And better still, you don't even have to worry about when to payback. There are no confusing schedules to remember, and you don't even have to come down to the bank! Instead, our friendly banking officers will come and look for you! So, quickly give me your address, and my colleagues, Ah Long and Kah Tao, will contact you immediately!

-- Ah Beng

24 December 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

What kind of Christmas gift can you give someone who already has everything in life?

Hor Ee

Dear Hor Ee,

Insurance, lor.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I went to this Christmas party, hor, and then I saw this ang-mor putting a bunch of weeds over this char bor's head, and then he started to kiss her! What is this bunch of weeds that can make char bors kiss you? And how can I get some, quick-quick?

Smoochie

Dear Smoochie,

The weeds are called mistletoe. But come on, lah, you go and pluck some old lallang, tie one solid red ribbon around it, and like any Singapore girl will know the difference? And what's so good about it? Kiss only, mah! You ask me, hor, just give the char bor one bottle of XO, and you'll get more than a kiss. 

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm dreaming of having a white Christmas. How can I achieve this in tropical Singapore?

Flakey

Dear Flakey,

Go and stand under a very tall guy with a solid case of dandruff, lor.

Ah Beng 

Dear Ah Beng,

Every year, my wife wants to throw a Christmas party.  I'm really not in the mood to spend another stupid year making small talk with her stupid friends, spending money on some stupid ang-mor bird that tastes like substandard chicken, and dumb decorations that make my house look like a log cake. How do I get her to stop this irritating tradition in a polite and non-confrontational way? 

Hubby

Dear Hubby,

Just ask her whether you can invite some friends to her party, and then call some char bors from Geylang Lorong 69 to come over. She'll pao want to stop the party, but you may just want to keep going.  Especially since the birds will taste much better this year.

Ah Beng 

Dear Ah Beng,

My son really, really wants an Internet-ready multimedia computer for Christmas. But my husband just got retrenched, and we can't afford to give him one. I really hate to disappoint my son, and I realise how nowadays kids need them to get ahead in school. Can you help?

Mudder

Dear Mudder,

Just give the little bugger some porno magazine or tapes for Christmas. It's what he really wants to use the Internet-ready computer for anyway.

Ah Beng

18 December 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

Last week, I was driving along the TPE at 3.30 am, and was the only car on the road.  Suddenly, I saw a bright light hover in the sky, then descend right in front of me! I was si beh scared, but for some reason, felt compelled to step out and walk towards the light. I then realised it was a giant Alien spaceship. The Aliens then took me away for a thorough full body cavity examination. Then they dropped me back in my car. I don't really remember very much about the whole experience, except for a persistent ache in my kachng. Nobody believes me. How?

Roswell

Dear Roswell,

Not say I say what, but you're going to have to come up with a better story than this to explain to your parents that you've become an ah kua. Come on, don't come and bluff me. TPE at 3.30 am? That's a giveaway! The TPE is the favourite expressway of homos because of what the 'P' stands for. And Aliens causing you pain in the kachng? Don't ji seow, lah. Aliens (also spelt with an 'h' between 'a' and 'l) are generally harmless Hokkien-speaking girls who like Hello Kitty a bit too much. If they so powderful, can do so much to people's kachngs, then let me know how to contact them. Maybe the Mummy next door can give them a job.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My acne is so teruk that my classmates now call me 'Super Supreme'! What can I do to get rid of my pimples?

Ok See Ten

Dear Ok See Ten,

According to my old copy of Doctor's Answers (which sometimes got pictures of naked char bor inside, woo-woo!) pimples come about because somehow, your sebaceous glands get clogged. Nobody really knows exactly why like that, but one important factor is hormones. And since you say you got classmates,  I think this is your problem. I suggest you come down to Geylang where you can not only get a facial, but a 'special' for you to make your hormones less 'tension'. If you chut enough money, you can also give a facial to the woman giving you the facial.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My wedding anniversary is coming up, and I want to do something nice for my wife. But I do'wan to spend on things like dinner and flowers, because I don't believe we should celebrate love in a materialistic way. Is there a way to express my love for her without spending money? Suggestions, please.

Ai Pee

Dear Ai Pee,

The best way to espress your lurf is to make something for her.  And you can always make something from things people throw away.  For exampur,  you can make a lovely flower vase from the pang sai chua cardboard tube. Or you can give her a dozen paper roses made from used tissue paper. (Don't forget to describe what's inside the used tissues as "nectar".) And if you want to declare your love for her publicly, no need to hire airplane or pay for ads in a cinema. Just throw litter on the ground, and when the newspaper people come to take picture of you serving your corrective work order that time, don't forget to flash a handwritten sign saying, "I love you (your wife's name)!" The only problem with giving your wife this sort of recycled gifts is that she'll probably want to throw you away after that.

Ah Beng

11 December 2000:

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm a 15 year old girl and I'm completely in love with the Backstreet Boys.  I know it sounds silly, but everytime I hear them sing "Shape of My Heart", I get all weak at the knees. I must find a way to meet them. Can you help me figure out how?

Teenybopper

Dear Teenybopper,

If you're looking for backstreet boys, you've definitely asking the right person! I got solid lobang one! Just take the No. 1269 bus to Geylang Lorong 69, and pass the first house.  You'll find all these boys in the backstreet.  Cannot miss one! They all got tattoos and permed hair. And if you want them to sing for you, just spend them a few beers at any of the fine KTV launges along Geylang Road! Good luck!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My husband is driving me mad! He always buys the most cheapo brands on the market, because he says people are conned into paying extra for the name.  So he refuses to buy Lux soap, he must buy 'SmellOK' brand. Instead of Kraft cheese, he will buy Gu Neh-Neh brand. How?

Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Your husband is not entirely wrong, but it looks like he's going a bit far. You just have to show him that sometimes, you do get what you pay for. You ask me, hor, the fastest way to make the point is to switch your current brand of toilet paper to " Durian" brand ($3 for 100 rolls).  He won't dare be stingy again!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm losing hair at an alarming rate. I've tried over-the-counter hair remedies but they all don't work. I've gone to those hair-weaving centres who advertise in the newspapers, but they're all damn expensive. Can you help?

Botak

Dear Botak,

I always think got hair is si beh overrated. Must spend on conditioner, lah, hair gel, lah, perms, lah. Even more leceh, must wash! But I recognise that you got no hair only, people think you got cancer. Anyway, if you want cheap solutions, I know this guy in Holiday Plaza in J.B. who does special hairweaves for all my contractor friends. The quality is tok kong, one.  All look like they got a seven-hour perm. You can even ask for those with the very fashion-fashion (or as they say in J.B., 'fesyen-fesyen') gold colour streaks.  For extra, you can even get them to spray sparkle dust on it. When you come out, I promise you got plenty people sure ask you how much you charge for renovations, one. The place is called 'Top Kong Saloon' (not salon, ah). Apparently, the  name comes from the fact that your hair will look like King Kong is sitting on the top of your head.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My friends and I are having a fight over how to pronounce the name of the ang-mor boy band "N'Sync". Is it "IN-SINK" or "ENN-SINK"?

Schoolgirls

Dear Schoolgirls,

It's neither. It's pronounced "NUH-SAI-NK". And next time you fight that time, hor, don'ch shy... come over to my house and let me watch.

Ah Beng