Dear Ah Beng 4

Dear Ah Beng,

I just got parole from Changi prison. All my other ex-convict friends who came out all got job as mechanic lah, factory operator lah, rubbish collector lah. But I kena office job as a hole puncher - I have to punch holes in all these documents for filing. My friends all say I si beh lucky, but I think I acherly damn suay! This is because, hor, in office you have to sit down on a chair. But I cannot - I prefer to squat. Sometimes at bus stop that time, hor, I even squat on the seat instead of sitting down. But in office, wah lau eh, you squat only people look. I also think they look down on me... acherly, if I'm squatting, they literally are looking down on me. I really want to blend in, but sitting gives me back ache. How?

Squatter

Dear Squatter,

Nao hiah! Squatting is a proud tradition of we Ah Bengs! If your chow banana colleagues don'ch like it, you tell them to go sit on it! We must protect all our tradition one. If people look down on you for practising your tradition, then you use another. If they stare at you for squatting, you must then use the traditional Beng response: "Kuah si mi lan cheow?" And if they don't stop staring, then you should use yet another traditional remedy: calling your blood brothers in the Lak Chap Kao secret society to come and hoot them. Or better still, go and call the Leather Auntie (ask for "Goo Perh Yee") who will come and whip all your colleagues until they also cannot sit down!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My son is already seven years old, but he still sucks his thumb. How can I get him to stop this habit?

Sucker for Punishment

Dear Sucker for Punishment,

Aiyah, to change habit is si beh simple one. You must change the feelings of pleasure he associates with thumb-sucking to feelings of something else: like pain. So I suggest you start by rubbing belacan round his thumb. If he still doesn't stop, then just break it, lor. Guarantee he won't suck it anymore.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I just discovered that my husband still maintains a huge stockpile of porn. I had always believed that we had a satisfying sex life as we still have sex several times a week - sex I've always found to be spectacular. Yet, this discovery has shattered my confidence. Does this mean that he is no longer satisfied by me and must resort to porn to fulfil his urges?

Play Mate

Dear Play Mate,

Aiyah, you char bors are always too suspicious and insecure! If you share a healthy and enjoyable sex life, and he still continues to 'hit his handgun', that can only mean one thing: he's practising for you! You're a si beh lucky woman who got a si beh unselfish and devoted husband who's obviously si beh concerned about pleasuring you in every way possible.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Die! My wife has just discovered my huge stockpile of porn. I still enjoy sex with her very much, but I also still like beating my meat. I see masturbation as continuing a relationship with my best friend. Why should I give that up just because of marriage? How can I continue to have the best of both worlds and not upset my wife?

Stroke of Bad Luck

Dear Stroke of Bad Luck,

Relac and ai tzai a bit. Just drop S$500 in a sealed plastic bag behind the third stall of the men's toilet on the second floor of Hougang Plaza and I'll take care of it. No problem.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I think my girlfriend is becoming anorexic. She is getting skinnier and skinnier every day and now resembles a stick. What can I do?

Skinny Dipper

Dear Skinny Dipper,

Got many options open for you. Stick some bamboo fibres on the top of her head, and you will get a broom. Similarly, can also fix some cloth strips to her feet and ta-dah! She's now a mop. Or maybe you can attach a roller to her head and use her as a paint brush for wall murals. Or ask her to stick one hand out, and you will have a durable and inexpensive coat rack. Also, you can fix two flat pieces of plastic to her hands and get her to rotate them very fast. You will now have an environmentally friendly fan to keep you cool. These suggestions are just a few of the reasons why many people prefer skinny girlfriends - because of their multiple uses.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am very turned on by dwarves. Am I a sick pervert?

Get Shorty

Dear Get Shorty,

People should not be ashamed of their sexual fetishes. It is all si beh natural, one. I myself find my kukucheow going toi-oi-oi-oi-oing whenever the kways at Geylang Lorong 69 tie me up and give me a body wax with masking tape. And for some reason, hor, I am si beh aroused by used 90 cents parking coupons. But enough about me. I acherly think, hor, dwarves are the ideal sex partners, since they're the optimum height for fellatio. Not only is it healthier for their knees, but their foreheads reach just the right place, which is why in Geylang Lorong 69, they're called "brow jobs".

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have just discovered that my wife is having an affair. While I feel angry and betrayed, I also concede that I may have brought it on myself, as my inability to make enough money to support my wife's lifestyle may have driven her to this. How can I reconcile my anger and desire to earn her respect back?

Kena Main

Dear Kena Main,

Simple, one. Just go and video-tape her and her lover doing it, then burn a few hundred VCDs and bring to your local bus interchange and lelong them. You will soon have enough money to earn your wife's respect back. She will then be the one who will be si beh confused. But that's not your problem. At this point, you may want to consider running away with a friendly GRO from Platinum Arowana 88 KTV Launge in Geylang Lorong 69.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I got two tickets for me and my girlfriend to see Fann Wong in concert, hor, but then my chao sergeant ask me to sign extra on that very weekend! I damn too lan, man! I keep begging my sergeant to postpone my extra, but the koo bye do'wan. How? I really want to see Fann!

Fann Now

Dear Fann Now,

In life, must compromise, leh. If you wan' your sergeant to panchan you a bit, then you must also give him back a bit. I can see two ways in which you can get to see Fann and still make your sergeant happy. One, you tell your girlfriend to fly kite that weekend, and you take your sergeant to the concert. Or you ask your girlfriend whether she can do extra for your sergeant if he lets you go. Either way, I think he'll agree. (Although there's a small risk that your girlfriend will just take your sergeant with her to the concert instead.) If you think these two options are too cruel, just remember: you are the one who wants to take your girlfriend to see someone you probably hit your handgun over!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I just entered NS and all my bunk mates disturb me because I brought my bear-bear with me to camp! Very shyful, I know, but I cannot sleep without bear-bear! How do I get to stop them from calling me an Ah Quah?

Cuddles

Dear Cuddles,

Easy. You must talk more and more to bear-bear, and try not to blink when you do. Also, keep muttering things to yourself like, "Bear-bear, if anyone comes between me and you, I will rip out their lum par with my teeth. And then I will drink their family's blood." Definitely also start doing things like howling at the moon and writing "666" on your forehead in Kiwi. Soon, your bunk mates won't be calling you an Ah Quah anymore. They may be calling you a psycho fuck, but what the hell, maybe you'll even be downgraded for it!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am going to be finishing my Political Engineering degree at Oxbridge soon, and must return to fulfil that onerous commitment called National
Service. My wonderful daddy will do all he can to put me in a platoon with all the other white horses in OCS. As white horses, we get to book
out on Thursday evenings, book in on Monday mornings, daily canteen breaks, and earn the gratitude of the commoners in our midst
benefitting from our presence, influence, and of course superior leadership abilities! Still, I hate to wear the ugly green uniform and be in the
presence of course language, sweaty bodies and greasy instruments of violence. Any advice on how I can cope with this ordeal ahead of me?

Louie Chin Ooh Lui

Dear Louie,

Wah, my clientele rarely got your kind of standard, man! Even though you kena hernia from the exertion of using squatting-type toilets, get stage fright when asked to shower in open-concept bathrooms, cough up
blood when got even a small bit of nicotine in the air, and your Grade-20-level piano performance for your visiting aunties suffers when your
fingernails are dirty with mud, grease and Instant-Shine Black Kiwi, I am sure you will make an excellent leader and manager of men and material! Since you have such long weekends, you should come down to Geylang Lorong 69 where you will have a chance to bond with the enlisted men you will no doubt see frequently, and discover your common interests. The service personnel in Geylang will definitely appreciate the attentions of a white horse, especially if you are also built like one. Stand up for Singapore!

Ah Beng

Send Ah Beng your questions and problems and he'll help to 'settle' them. Debt recovery a speciality.