Dear Ah Beng 5

Dear Ah Beng,

My company just laid me off, because of the current economic condition. But I still have kids to put through school, as well as a mortgage and a car loan to pay off. Some more, my husband was paralyzed in an accident and cannot work. Help!

Jobless

Dear Jobless,

Si beh cham, ah. But always got ways to survive financial hardship one. Since your husband is useless oreddy, maybe you can take out an insurance policy and then have him have another 'accident'. Maybe also involving your car and your home at the same time, so pow-ka-leow can claim. Go and call my colleagues at the Chap sar Tiam Secret Society at Geylang Lorong 69. They got a lot of esperience in handling these sort of thing and charge very reasonable rates. If you cannot pay them cash, you can always work it off as one of our freelance agents here in Geylang. In bad times, you can always fall back on the old ways, mah. And this line is the oldest profession in the world.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Last time, I got many customers buying handbags and luggage from my leather retail business. But now, because of the economy, they are all cutting back on luxury goods and I am losing business. How?

Gu Per

Dear Gu Per,

I always say, hor, that bad times must be seen as opportunity for innovation. So think, lah. Maybe you can pretend that you're closing down and have a big sale, but sell PVC instead. Or you could convert your handbags into other leather products with evergreen demand - like S&M restraints.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am feeling bored by my job and humdrum existence. I want to make a difference with my life - do exciting, meaningful work for other people for a change. Any suggestions as to which social service organisation I should join?

Volunteer

Dear Volunteer,

Wah, you si beh ho sim, hor? Very good. Acherly, I think many of the social service organisations are a bit sian-sian. They do valuable work, lah, but all nothing new. Help old folks, chewrens, animals. You say you want to do something exciting yet meaningful for other people? I got just the organisation! It's exciting, it means a lot to many people and you get to do! It's The Singapore Prostitutes Contribution Association (SPCA - not to be confused with those animal people, although our volunteers also do it doggy-style), located at No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69. They do very important work. If you're a male volunteer, you can help by contributing to the pension fund for these hard-working ladies, many of whom don't have CPF. Unfortunately, your contributions are not tax-deductible, but you get free services for every $100 donated. If you're a woman volunteer, you can also help these poor working women by taking over from them when they're too tired. It's a hard job, but someone's got to do them.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am not song at the way you portray Geylang. It is a haven for food, and not prostitutes. It's time you wake up your idea about this place. I tell you, at night, it is not the hotel and mama-san that got good business, it is my coffeeshop! And you spoil my name by advertising Lorong 69 as a sex den. I demand an apology!

Uncle Tan

Dear Uncle Tan,

Wah lau, don'ch so small air, lah! Anyway, you are sala one. Just like the finger and the fingernail, we need each other to survive, mah. Fingernail got no finger, cannot grow. Finger got no fingernail, cannot dig ear. So we must all support-support each other. Hup chop a bit, lah. In fact, many of the kopi tiam along Lorong 69 all got share of the kway business. Daytime, sell kway png. Night time, sell kway. Both must go together. You never hear the famous Geylang motto: do-do-do then eat-eat-eat, meh? If you just promote Geylang as a makan centre, then after do-do-doing, everyone will go to Newton or somewhere else to eat-eat-eat. Like that, si beh chia lat. Anyway, glad to hear your business is good. Must ask my colleagues in the Chap Sar Tiam secret society to come and visit you, and offer you our protection services.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am Bangla worker who went to Geylang Lorong 69 last night. But then, all I see are Thais and Chinese. Where are the Indians? No variety one ah? This is bloody racist, you know!

Construction Worker

Dear Construction Worker,

Aiyah, where got racist? Yellow people can only go one place: Geylang. But people looking for black holes got two places! Desker Road in Little India and outer space.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I just fell down the stairs and broke my leg. Now, I am stuck in bed and cannot go Geylang. As a longtime customer of yours, you must know how bad it is to go cold turkey. Or rather, cold chicken. What should I do now?

Pai Kah

Dear Pai Kah kor kor,

No porblem, for our special customer, we got delivery one. Just tell me whether you want Deep Pan or Super Supreme one. But just checking first: which leg did you break? If you broke your third leg, then no point I come, mah.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My school is damn hojjiber, one. They make us take exams during the June holidays! I very too lan, because originally, I was supposed to go Disneyland and play with my favourite character, Donald Duck.

Ai Chiak Hong

Dear Chiak Hong,

Chia lat. Holiday also need to mug for exam. I think so your principal needs to be taught a lesson more than the kids. But to deal with school is very siong for us here in Lorong 69, because we all is Prembry Eight stayback one. I got alternative suggestion: study for your exam, but no need to go to Disneyland to play with ducks. Just come here and play with our local birds. Kway, kukucheow, all sorts got. Cheaper some more.

Ah Beng

- thanks to Loony Cock

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a coconut tree climber by profession, but after I fell down and injured myself recently, I have had this phobia of heights, and while I can climb up, I cannot climb down once I reach the top because I completely tense up. What do I do?

Climber

Dear Climber,

Ho say ah! You are just the right man I need! We are looking for people who can climb up fire escapes and lamp posts and enter houses through windows. You see, we are setting up a service for people who, uh, lost their keys and left their windows open. After climbing in, you can walk down the stair and open the door for us. Come for an interview at Geylang Lorong 69 now!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a 90 year old wealthy widow whose husband died many years ago. Recently, I rediscovered my old self and want to be young. I need a man who can make me feel young and sprightly again. Where to find such a caring man? I'm not choosy about his age, he can be younger than me for all I care!

Widow

Dear Darling,

Eh? How come you so clever to write to me, ha? I can make you feel young one! We can do so many things together... kua meenite, siew yeh, write a will leaving all your things to me... And after that, we can also do all sorts of lomantic things together, like bungee jumping, F1 racing, skydiving... all sorts of things to make your heart beat faster until like got heart attack like that. So don't shy, leh! SMS me immeelly. Love,

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Nobody wants me! All the boys in school comment on my looks, my body, my height, everything! They say that my 2 legs look like the twin towers of Malaysia, and I am so embarrassed that I don't dare to wear short skirts anymore. What can I do to overcome this phobia?

Unwanted

Dear Unwanted,

Wah, you damn chia lat. But solution for phobia is si beh simpur one. To overcome phobia, you must experience more of it until you no longer scared of it. Either you can pay money to see some chao psychiatrist who will tell you the same thing, or you can sign up at Geylang Lorong 69 now, and get paid to be cured! You will get to expose your legs (and more!) to our customers until you are no longer scared. Don'ch worry. Our customers here all very supportive. They don'ch really care what you look like. As long as got hole, also can. Most of them are blind drunk anyway. Very good to help build you self esteem. And who knows, once you got more confidence, you may even start showing off g-strings in school. Then all the boys who once commented on you will be clamouring for you instead! But of course must pay, lah! If they don'ch, just call Ah Seow Kor Kor of the Chap Sar Tiam secret society and he will come and hoot them for you.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I just got married. My husband wants children, but I don't. I have many reasons why I don't want children, but my husband doesn't. He says he wants them, "Because I just do, that's all." Any suggestions on how to resolve this?

Mai Kiah

Dear Mai Kiah,

No ploblem. You just gimme his office address, and for a small cash ang pow of $2000 (to be deposited in the third stall of the men's toilet on the second floor of Hougang Plaza), I'll get some of my "colleagues" to teh his lum par. After that, he wan' chewren, also cannot.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My girlfriend wanted me to talk dirty to her during sex. So I did. When deep in the throes of passion, I cried out, "Garbage! Soiled underwear! Unmopped floors! Rubbish! Greasy dishes! Smelly socks!" But instead of turning her on, she completely lost her mood and told me I was damn stupid. I don't know what I did wrong. Can you teach me how to talk dirty properly?

Filthymouth

Dear Filthymouth,

Kan ni na! You this kind of fucking stupid fucker deserve to get fucked upside down! Anyway, what the fuck makes you think I fucking know how to fucking teach you to talk dirty? Fuck you, chee bye! Sincerely,

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I cannot tahan my husband's karaoke singing. He loves to karaoke and always thinks he sounds like one of the Heavenly Kings, but instead he sounds like a donkey from hell. I want to be supportive of the hobby he loves so much, but I fear I will go mad if I have to hear him sing "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" one more time. What can I do?

Eardrummed

Dear Eardrummed,

Got several ways to settle this. For a small ang pow of $2000 (to be deposited in the third stall of the men's toilet on the second floor of Hougang Plaza), I'll get some of my "colleagues" to teh his lum par, until he can only sing like an ah quah, and he'll be too embarassed to sing anymore and give up. If that doesn't work, for an additional $500, we can sever his vocal chords. But if you do'wan him to suffer, then ask him go sing outside, lor! Tell him he can come to the Platinum Arowana 88 Launge at Geylang Lorong 69. We got plenty of GRO here willing to hold his 'mike' while he singsong until song-song.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have no religion. Recently, my friend asked me to join his religion. I am now not sure what to do. My parents are strongly against it. But my friend says that I will be a better person after joining him. What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I don'ch know about your friend's religion, but here is my suggestion. There are many things to do other than joining religion. I don'ch know about holy things, but holey things, I am damn expert. For example, I know there are many holey people out there in Geylang Lorong 69. And I am sure they will make you feel like you are in heaven. So, what are you waiting for?

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am an unemployed man. My past bosses gave me the kick because they caught me watching VCD on the sly and now I cannot get a job anymore. What to do?

Unemployed

Dear Unemployed,

Since you are my long-time customer, I must do my best to helpch you. Actually you can replace our da-jie at 7th floor Peninsula plaza. We are looking for new places at the moment, thinking of setting up store in Ministry of Environment or Parliament House. If the gah'men people become our member, surely we won't get caught!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I want to get rich. Rich, rich, rich! And I want it to be fast! How to set about doing that?

Getrichfast

Dear Getrichfast,

Got no easy way to get so rich so fast. For me, I work so hard last time selling vcd, that's how I got where I am today. Maybe you can join "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" or buy Toto. If not you just have to rob or steal, lor. I mean, Robin Hood was a good man and he also rob or steal so got nothing wrong with that. So...ready to start work? Come down Geylang Lorong 69 for interview now!

Ah Beng

-thanks to huasze

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a 24 year old undergraduate student. Recently, I was told that that I am very useless. Besides having good A level, O level and PSLE grades, I can't do anything else! Most people of my age have a diploma or degree to show, but because my course is long, I haven't graduated yet. The girls in my class laugh at me about this. When I tell them it is because I went thru the army, they snigger and say that I was a clerk. I don't play sports or games, but I can study very well! What can I do to make myself more useful?

Useless

Dear Useless,

Relac, ah. Everybody got use one. While I also think you are now si beh useless and have achieved nothing, got ways to make yourself more useful, one! For example, you can donate blood. Think of your blood flowing inside some chiobu. Part of you is now part of her! You can also donate sperm directly to a sperm bank. This way, you can enjoy your hobby while still contributing to society! Stand up for Singapore, leh! Finally, you can donate yourself! We are considering to expand our business at Geylang Lorong 69, and we need... uh... male PR officers as well. You (and your kachng) will definitely fit the bill!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm in trouble now, 3 days ago I broke my condom while in bed with my girlfriend, now I am scared that I will make her pregnant. I have used the condom a few times and it was cheap and good but not now anymore I think. What should I do now and what can I do to prevent it from happening?

Scared

Dear Scared,

Wah piang eh, I must say, ah, you are damn one kind, one. You must have been si beh kiam to have buy a condom of lousy quality or to have use it so many times. Acherly, I know from exam studying that if you eat drug called Misoprostol, your girlfriend sure will not get pregnant one. But, I also know from experience that the best way to stop her from getting pregnant is to make sure you do the kachng all the time, that way condom break 100 times also never mind!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I'm a RJC student who has just completed the A level Examinations and I'm very disappointed with my results. Despite scoring 4 As, I have obtained 2 ungraded S papers and now I can't go on scholarship. What am I to do?

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Eh, get 4A also complain! I never even dream of getting such grades. (Okay, lah. Got dream before, but is still a dream.) As for S paper, the only sort of S paper I know is the type use in toilet. Actually, graded or ungraded, the S paper also not good for the backside. I recommend the use of water. No water you can try your finger, less likely to cause bleeding. I don't know why you want to have 2 S paper. Is it that after you wipe once with the first S paper, then you use your finger then wipe your finger with the 2nd S paper, then you song-song? No scholarship nevermind, NUS and NTU no need scholarship. Just suka-suka apply any old prestige faculty in NUS or NTU, sure get in one! Even if don'tch have degree also nevermind. I prembry eight monolingual also can write advice column which is read by keng chio kia like you all.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a woman who has a number of good, longstanding, platonic relationships with male friends. However, recently, I got drunk and wound up in bed with a couple of these platonic buddies (not at the same time!). The next day, we all acknowledged it was a mistake - especially since they had girlfriends. However, I'm now beginning to question how platonic my feelings really are to all these male friends. Is it possible for friends of the opposite sex to stay platonic?

Sally Who Met Harry

Dear Sally,

Your porblem ah, si beh cheem. I don'ch think, hor, I can anyhow whack and give you some standard form answer. I think the only way we can hep'chu is if we meet in person, and then I get to know you better, friend-friend a bit, then maybe go and togo somewhere, so that I can address your porblem in a more friendly, and intimate, way.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am the governor of the central bank of a large country which is on the verge of entering a recession. Last week, to boost the market, I lowered interest rates by half a percentage point. However, the market reacted adversely, suggesting that my measures were insufficient. How can I stimulate the economy?

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

The best way to stimulate anything, even the economy, is naked women. Si beh easy one. Import lots of kways from neighbouring countries (foreign talent, mah!), and set up a free kway zone. Because econs is all about demand and supply. And men demand kways, so must supply, lor. Just make sure that the kways are very kind to the clients - no jokes about their micro policies! Because consumer confidence is si beh important. After that, sure got lots of business set up around the zone, one. You never hear the famous economic maxim by Adam Smith, meh? "Do, do, do, then eat, eat, eat. Then do, do, do again." Got lots of local food stalls, that means domestic consumption sure go up, correct? And when they go back to do the kways, then consumer spending also go up, correct? Some more some customer, hor, can spend several times in one night. So this way, is a real injection into the economy.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a 30 year old woman who is extremely interested in martial arts. On Mondays, I practise Tae Kwon Do; on Tuesdays I practise Aikido; on Wednesdays I practise Hapkido, on Thursdays I practise Kendo, and on Fridays I practise Judo. On Saturdays and Sundays, I take a break and try to find a date, but when guys find out that I am so well-versed in martial arts they become intimidated. So I have trouble finding a date on weekends. What should I do?

Marital Arts

Dear Marital Arts,

Wah you know so many forms of martial arts, this "do" and that "do" all also know. To solve your problem, I recommend that you pick up one more form of "do": Dil Do. Once you master the art of Dil Do, you will be enlightened and realize that you no longer have the need to find any men on weekends. Anyway, since you know so much martial arts, I am sure you have a strong pair of hands, so if you have nothing to do on weekends, I can help you find part time work at Neng Neng Massage Parlour at Geylang Lorong 69.

Ah Beng

Send Ah Beng your questions and problems and he'll help to 'settle' them. Debt recovery a speciality.