Dear Ah Beng 6

Dear Ah Beng,

My office colleagues keep telling me that I have body odour. I never noticed it before. I've tried showering more often, changing my brand of soap and shampoo but no luck. And when I put on cologne, it seems to actually make my BO stronger. What can I do?

Smelly

Dear Smelly,

Body odour got many causes one. It's not just not bathing often. Some people say it's due to what you eat, so maybe you should cut down on those durian-and-belacan sandwiches. And sometimes, body odour could also be genetic - so if you're a chao ang mor, then too bad. You're stuck with it. But don'ch worry. I got a plan to helpchu. But I warn you, ah, not so easy one. Basically, if you can't make yourself smell better, then make everything else smell worse. Plant a dead rat somewhere in the office. Then when you leave work with your friends, you'll still smell nicer than what they're used to.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a Filipina maid. My Sir and Mum always want me to clean the windows of their 12th storey flat. There is no way to clean the outside other than leaning out the window. It is very dangerous and I am very scared of falling out. But my Sir and Mum get very angry if I don't. What can I do?

Defenestrata

Dear Defenestrata,

Wah, damn chia lat. Acherly, I also don'ch know why Singaporeans want to clean their windows. Maybe you can persuade your Sir or Mum that leaving the windows dirty is a good thing. If windows dirty, then can walk around the flat naked, mah. If clean-clean, then some kaypoh neighbour sure kao peh kao bu, then you kena saman. But then, depending on what your Sir or Mum look like, maybe the sight of them naked might make you jump voluntarily. You maybe also want to tie yourself tight-tight to something solid if you have to lean out. Of course, you could always break the windows. Then got nothing to clean, mah. But then, it makes it easier for your Sir or Mum to throw you out. Aiyah, why not just run away and come work for us at Geylang Lorong 69? At least here, the Sirs pay you for the extra service.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

There are some lovely tall trees growing in the plot of land next to our apartment block, which provide shade. But then, some developer has bought the plot of land and wants to chop the trees down. Is there some way we can prevent him from doing so?

Shady Character

Dear Shady Character,

Please lah, don't be so inconsiderate. Trees may provide shade, but they also provide homes for birds, who will then shit on the cars parked underneath. Eh! You know how espensive cars are, not? You want shade? Draw your curtains and turn on the air-con. That way you can keep cool and not spoil the environment for other people.

Ah Beng

Send Ah Beng your questions and problems and he'll help to 'settle' them. Debt recovery a speciality.