eAhLong.com1

AH SENG:
"So like that, lor. Finish poly that time, my friends all want to work, be engineer. Some go university. But I knew I wanted to join the fambly business."

"I saw how my father help so many people... like they come out of jail and nobody trust them that time, my father will give them a few thousand to start again. But then, you know, lah, some people sure take advantage... so he must take action, lah!"

AH SENG:
"A lot of people think the Ah Long... Ah Long... eh, Ah Long in Engrish call what, ah?"

AH SENG:
"Orh! Loanshark! Correck! Ah, a lot of people think the loanshark business is very... how you say, chor. Very crude. But acherly is very important, one..."

AH LONG: (in Hokkien):
"It's not just lending money... we're investing in the community. If our debtors do well, we also do well. I have helped so many business flourish... bookie services, set-up of home casinos, supply of women... and we also provide debt collection services."

AH SENG:
"Correck! That's why I say Ah Long this sort of business got a lot of potential, one. And I really, really think what I learn in Biz Ad can be very useful to make the fambly business more modern. More, how you say, respectable. More... pro!"

AH LONG: (in Hokkien):
"Don't misunderstand me. Of course I feel proud that Ah Seng wants to join the family business. But with his education, I wonder why he doesn't want to do something more modern. Like doctor, lawyer, engineer. Some more big-balled professions. To engage in an old-fashioned business like loansharking is such a waste."

AH SENG:
"Aiyah, this is fambly tradition, like that. The business is pass down from my grandfather to my father. I think, ah, my father is too humber about his achievements... Pa, show them your... hor ee nang kua... kua ler eh lua lawa!"
("Show them how impressive you are!")

AH LONG:
"Mai lah!"
("No, I don't want to!")

AH SENG:
"Lai lah!"
("Come on!")

AH LONG:
"Pai seh, lah!"
("It's embarassing!")

AH SENG:
"Mana pai seh? Ho lang kua lah!
("It's not! Let them see!")
See, lah! He's so shyful! Ah Pa, don't shy! I'm very proud of you!"

AH SENG:
"You see these? These are long service awards! This one is for thirty years... this one forty years..."

AH SENG:
"...And this one, ah! This one is for jungle training, one! When he chase this chao kar person all the way to Christmas Island and got him to pay back everything!"

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"Aiyah, that's because the pig's heads in Christmas Island are very scary... they use wild boar heads! Which are green and have long teeth!"

AH SENG:
"Aiyah, the hardest part of taking over the business is modernizing. Because the old timer all don'ch understand that times are changing... that now got new technorogy. Got new economy..."

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"Choosing a proper pig's head is not easy. You have to select the right size, the right shape, the right amount of blood. The message must be clear: you don't pay, you'll wind up the same way!"

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"What is this?!"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"It's a chicken head."

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"I know it's a chicken head! What are we supposed to do with it?! Eat it with beer?"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"Hang it up like you do with pigs' heads."

AH TUA (in Hokkien):
"Eh, boss... are you sure, not?"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"It's light and won't attract police attention."

AH TUA (in Hokkien):
"I don't think it's very scary."

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"We can't use this!"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"But, Pa..."

AH LONG:
"NO!!!"

MRS. HENG HOR YEE
Ah Seng's Mother

MRS HENG (in Hokkien):
"Are you filming now? Orh... don't... I'm so shy..."

MRS HENG (in Hokkien):
"Aiyah, my husband is so stubborn. I keep telling him: he's already old. Do you expect to be hauling pig's heads when you're 70? But he's too proud to give up. Leave it to young people like Ah Seng to struggle!"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"Pa, wear this..."

AH LONG(in Hokkien):
"Are you sure you want me to come along?"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"If you come, I will look more credible. Come and back me up as a consultant."

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"But I don't speak English! They call a cow a dog ("kao") and call a dog a deer ("lock")! How can I understand?"

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"Whatever they ask you, just say, 'Big market! Big market! Then it'll be fine!"

AH LONG:
"Big market... biiiiig maaaarket..."

AH SENG (in Hokkien):
"Yes! 'Big market!' Good! Can! Come, let's go!"

AH SENG:
"So you see, Mr. Ho, with the Internet, we don't even need to buy or hang any more heads!"

AH SENG:
"You see, when we lend them money, we also get the email addresses of his friends and fambly..."

AH SENG:
"When he doesn't pay that time, hor... heh heh... we just email this to everybody."

MR HO:
"So it's like literal spam?"

AH SENG:
"Uh... yes."

MR. HO:
"Interesting concept. So it's kind of like e-Trade, mixed with an internet marketing service, with a few elements of eBay..."

MR HO:
"Would you say that's correct, Mr. Heng?"

AH LONG:
"Uh... big market! Big market!"

MR. HO:
"Hmm... yes, it is large and mature... and there's significant disintermediation that can be harnessed... I'm a little concerned about some of the legally grey elements... what do you say to that, Mr. Heng?"

MR HO:
"I suppose... and besides, full internet regulation is still some years away, so we should be able to get away with it for some time... Yes, yes... it looks pretty scalable to me too. If we use the latest in web and WAP technology and harness synergy with strategic partners... and maybe expand the operational scope to include factoring and bailment... with your first mover advantage, I think we're looking at some solid ROIs if we can secure the right eyeballs..."

AH LONG:
"Ee kong si mi lan chiao?"
("What the penis did he just say?")

AH SENG:
"Shhh!!!"

MR HO:
"You know, we like it! So... let's get down to business. How much investment are you looking for? One million?"

AH SENG:
"Uh..."

MR HO:
"One point five? Mr. Heng?"

AH LONG:
"Big money! Big money!!!"

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"I may have had some doubts about this dotcom business, but I also understand that people must change with the times... so I support Ah Seng one hundred per cent!"

MRS HENG (in Hokkien):
"Sure, lah... once someone gives you money, everything is okay!"

"...and internet startup eAhLong.com posted massive gains on their very first day of trading on the Singapore Stock Exchange..."

"Yah, I heard about Ah Seng! I think his eAhLong.com is an absolutely brilliant idea! "

"Isn't this new economy fantastic? I'm doing my own dotcom myself... you see, it's about automated 4D number generation..."

AH SENG:
"There, mine is on the third floor, and my parents will be on the top floor. And behind it, got swimming pool and sauna..."

"...one casualty of the dotcom market collapse is local company eAhLong.com, with stock values plunging after an exuberant start only months before. Sources indicate that they have had to downsize and focus on core revenue-generating activities..."

"This whole new economy dotcom thing is just nonsense! I'm glad I stuck to being a real estate agent."

PROCESS SERVER:
"Mr. Heng Chin Kin? I am serving you with these saman from the High Court."

AH LONG:
"Ha?"

PROCESS SERVER:
"This one is from Redlight Ventures, saying you made fraudulent representations to them to make them invest in you..."

PROCESS SERVER:
"This one is from J.P. Goldman, your investment bankers, this one is from your former lawyers for unpaid fees, this one is from High Rent Private Limited for unpaid rent on your old office..."

AH LONG (in Hokkien):
"I think we better book two tickets to Christmas Island... fast!")

Mr. Heng and Ah Seng were arrested at the World Trade Centre Ferry Terminal as they tried to leave for Christmas Island. They were both sentenced to several weeks in jail.

Fortunately, a former client who was also serving time recognised Mr. Heng, and took care of father and son.

On their release, Ah Seng helped pay off some of his debts by selling his story to a group of amateur film makers.

Both father and son are now focusing on core revenue-generating activities.

Based on characters created by Colin Goh for TalkingCock.com. The events and characters depicted in this film are completely fictional. Any resemblance to persons (or pigs) living or dead is purely coincidental.

No animals were harmed during the filming of this production.

QuickQuill Communications