1 October  2000

Scotland:
land of the boh cheng kor

Yesterday my travel agent at Ken Brothers Reliant Air Travel call me and tell me got special to go Scotland.

"Scot-land"? I ask. "Go there do si mi lan?"

He say, "Got castle, got church, got countryside..."

I say, "How come nowsaday you don'ch have any more special to nicer places, like Genting Highlands?"

He say, "Scot-land not bad what, I think you might like because all the Scots-man supposed to be boh cheng kor one."

I hear only, I stone five minute.

"Boh cheng kor? They really don'ch wear pants one? Why?"

He say, "I think maybe they drink too much the Scotch whiskey and need to pang jio more quickly. You ask me, I ask who? Go and find out yourself, lah!"

Then he say, "Some more I give you free Ken Bros. Reliant Air Travel bag."

I say, "Like that is on, lah!"

So I go Scotland.

When I reach Scotland, I oreddy know this place is condemn.

First, they all cannot speak properly. The capital is called Edin-burk, but they all say it like, "Edinbrur." 

(I think, ah, all that whiskey make them all "brur".)

Some more their accent is si beh teruk, I hear also lia'h boh kiew.

For example, I went to the tourist office and ask, "Where can I find man who don'ch wear pants?" and they replied, (or at least I heard) "Rrruurrr rurrr rurrr hae noo rrruuurrr." 

I just cannot understand how comes Singapore also is last time belong Engrand, but we spik Engrish so much better.

Anyway, so I have to K.L.K.K. around Edinburk.  My book say I must walk the Royal Mile, which is this old street dating back to the 16th century.

I see all the old building only, I stone. If this was Singapore, ah, long time ago the URA would have come in and upgrade the place oreddy!

The whole stretch can be change into like Boat Quay like that - maybe got some classy shops, like Giordano or AA Fashion - sure nicer than all these lao pok building.

Scotland food is also damn hojjiber. They got this thing call "haggis", which is like minced spare parts boil in a bag. But no kway chap to go with it!

The only thing they do well is whiskey. (They call it "Scotch", but they call themselves "Scot". Why they anyhow stick a "ch" in words, I also don'ch know.)

Anyway, the whiskey is damn cheap compared to at home.  Wah lau, the KTV launge all charge damn high for one small cup (but then, it comes with free hostess on the side).

So I buy a few extra bottles of Glenfriggit Triple Malt to give to the people back home. And another few to sell to the KTV Launge.

After drinking a bit more whiskey, Edinburk begin to look a bit nicer.  Acherly, the city is not bad one.

The only trouble is, I cannot find the men without pants, as my agent said.

Instead got all these chao ah quah walking around in skirts.  The ah quah here all got no standard, not like Desker Road one.  Here, they all never shave their beard, neh'mine shave their legs!  Si beh argly.

Singapore still better.

24 September 2000

BATAM: 
Helping to preserve the wild life

Yesterday my travel agent at Ken Brothers Reliant Air Travel call me and tell me got special offer on an "eco-holiday".

In Batam.

I say, "Batam is normally for cheeko-holiday, what eco-holiday."

He say, "Eco-holiday is mean go and appreciate nature one, lah.  This is a special tour to help save the fish in Batam.  You know Indonesia got a lot of trouble, so if we don'ch support them, then all their fish also liao."

I say, "What the fish are you talking about?"

He say, "Just go lah! Damn cheap, and some more I will give you free bag."

I say, "Like that is on, lah!"

And so I take my nephew go Batam with me.

We boarded the ferry at the World Trade Centre, and arrived at Batu Ampar Terminal. 

I like travelling by sea.  I find it very, how you say, liberating.  My nephew also seems to agree, as the boat trip liberated the lunch from his stomach.

At Batu Ampar, we met our tour guide, Jameson, who hurried us on board a small bus. 

Jameson told us that we would be taken to the Wildlife Sanctuary, I guess to see the fishes we came to help save.

There were seven of us in the tour group.  I was the only woman, for some reason.  The rest were old and middle-aged men.  I guess as you grow old, you feel more strongly about preserving wildlife for your enjoyment.

I immediately go and whack the back of my nephew's head and tell him he should learn from these good men's example.

Jameson was actually surprised to see me.  He said women normally don't like this sort of "rugged, adventure" tour.  I said, "I don'ch really like to take part in the physical stuff, lah. But I don'ch mind watching."

He shrugged and said, "Whatever." 

After about 20 minutes, we reached the centre of Nagoya - and the Wildlife Sanctuary Karaoke Massage Parlour.

The men got very excited, no doubt about the wildlife they were about to encounter.

"So where's the fish?" I asked Jameson, who looked at me in a strange way.  He waved us all inside.

It was a very small place, but it had a very large fish tank in the lobby.

"Nah," said Jameson to me. "There's your fish."

I was a bit confused. "How come you need to save these fish? Got tank already, what."

He seemed irritated and said, "Indonesian government want to get rid of all the wildlife sanctuaries on Batam. We all go, then got no fish."

"So how are we supposed to save the fish?" I ask him.

My nephew got very excited and said, "Auntie! Auntie! I know!  The other men told me that all I have to do is sing karaoke.  All the money will go towards maintaining the fish! And it's very easy - got some girl to even hold the mike for me.  For a little extra donation, she will even sing into my mike!  And for a few more rupiah, we can do duet."

"Quite clever, hor? Like 'Live Aid', like that." I said. "Okay, lah.  I sponsor you go and sing-song, lor. Come!"

But for some reason, the si noong kia was not happy.

"What's the matter?" I ask him.

"I... I'm shy," he said. "Can you not watch me sing-song with the girl? I think I cannot perform."

"Kum pooi!" I shouted at him. "I pay good money and you do'wan to let me watch? You think you who?"

In the background, I heard Jameson say to one of the waitresses. "These orang Singapura, ah, all bloody kinky." 

After that, I felt a bit pai seh. I don'ch know what "kinky" means, but maybe he think I bully my nephew.

"Okay, lah," I told my nephew.  "You go.  Don't take too long."

Then the si noong kia like damn happy like that, he ran into one of the private rooms.  I stayed outside to watch the fish.

I also donno what's so special about these fish.  Look like ordinary aquarium like that. But then, what do I know?

I must say, hor, my nephew's karaoke singing is very bad.  It sounded a lot like he was moaning and groaning. But then, the girl also sing like that, so maybe this is how nowsaday the chewrens sing.

After about twenty minutes, my nephew came out, and he looked very tired.  I ask him, what happen?

He said, "My mike got no power."

Anyway, after all the nice men had sung their songs to save the fishes, we took the ferry back to WTC.

I thought the tour got nothing much to see, but my nephew said, "There got a lot to do. Only I got no stamina to keep doing." He said he would train by himself until he was strong enough to go back.

I must say, hor, I am impressed by my nephew. I never thought he would become so passionate about the wild life in Batam, but now, nearly every weekend he goes there.

Maybe it's a man thing.

17 September 2000

KUTU ISLAND:
Tropical Paralice

Yesterday my travel agent at Ken Brothers Reliant Air Travel call me and tell me got special offer on cruise.  

"Nowsaday cruise to nowhere also so expensive," said my agent. "This one is damn cheap, some more got on-board casino and it actually go somewhere."

"Where is the somewhere?" I ask him.

"Kutu Island," he said. "A beautiful, rustic island just off the coast of Singapore.  An oft-overlooked gem which promises views never seen before."

"Eh, nao hiah," I scold him. "Stop reading from your bleddy brochure! Tell me there can see what?"

"History one, lah.  Got this story say last time got two sailor - one Chinese, one Malay, and they lost at sea, lah.  Si beh cham one. Then, they so kan cheong they began to tear their hair out. But their hair got a lot of kutu one, and when they start tearing their hair, the kutu all boh pian and jump-jump-jump out of their hair and start swimming to find land.  Then the two sailors followed their kutu until they reach an island.  They were so heng, they named the island after their kutu and set up a temple there."

"What kind of condemn story is that?" I ask him.

"You believe, do'wan to believe, up to you," he say.  "But nowsaday, hor, got lot of people go there to visit the temple there to pray to Vo Seen, the Goddess of Saloon de Beauts. I hear it's popular with a lot of hairdressers and botak people.  My own hair-dresser went there last week and she just touch 4D."

"Like that is on, lah!" I say. "Got free bag one, hor?"

So that weekend, I and my nephew took the cruise ship to Kutu Island.

I like to travel because can learn things.  And one of the things I always learn is never trust your travel agent 100%.

For example, the cruise ship is acherly a tongkang, and the on-board casino is basically a Lao Ah Peh dealing cards.

But neh'mine.  Kutu Island itself is very small. (I guess kutu also very small.) There's not very much to do there, so I recommend you come here only if you a bit itchy, like that.

The temple takes up most of the place.  Everywhere you can see statues of Vo Seen, with her big hair and golden highlights.

The day I went there got a group of shampoo girls from Hairs Cut International Saloon also visiting.  

They brought offerings of brushes and combs.  Some even brought mousse to spray as they pray.  If you donate some money, they will also release a few kutu into their kutu pool for you.

The temple also got advisors there to help you.  

For example, if you want to get rid of kutu, then there is a kutu kwee in your head.  And what you must do is give money to the temple, and they will spray holy insecticide on your head. Then you must wrap a good morning towel around your head and meditate for one hour.

And if you are going bald, then you must also give money and they will give you a holy wig, blessed by Vo Seen.

My nephew's hair is like chee-bye hair - messy and like wire like that, so I pray to Vo Seen for him.  

I think the prayer worked, because when he came back to Singapore, it was no more like chee-bye hair.  It was more like armpit hair.

So we'll definitely be going there again next year. 

Even though we never touch 4D.

Chao travel agent.

11 September 2000

New York:
New, meh?

This month, my agent at Ken Brothers Reliant Air Travel call me and said they got special offer on a five-day-three-night holiday to New York, I want to go or not?  Some more got free tour bag.

I said, go New York do what? No casino, no karaoke, where got fun.

He said, there got a lot of museum.  I say, see old thing where got fun?  I want to see old thing, I just ask my husband to tng-kor.

He said, there got Broadway - a lot of musical one. I say, fly so long go and see for what? Some more, buy one ticket can buy five big five small. You ask me, might as well go and buy five big, five small.

He say there the shopping quite tok kong.  All the designer label all got. 

I say Batam, Haadyai, even KL got designer label, some more cheaper also.  And also locally-made.  (We must support local industries, mah.)

Then he say, there got world's largest factory outlet.  I say, "Like that, means on lah!"

So I and my nephew fly into New York.  (Got nephew can carry things when go shopping.)

First thing they tell us is, be careful of muggers.  They rob people one. 

So I immediately go and slap my nephew.  All this time he told me he was mugging, I thought he was studying.  The si nung kia was robbing people!

So we took the tour bus, go and see Empire State Building.  I demanded my money back because got no King Kong there.  I go up so far to see other buildings for what?  I see building before.  At least I never see giant gorilla before.  Waste time.

We also go and see the World Trade Centre.  Again waste time.  Singapore also got World Trade Centre.  Some more ours got bridal and home furnishing fair.

We also go and see the Statue of Liberty.  Wah lau eh, I tell you, the queue to go up to the crown si beh long.  Almost as long as I queue up to buy 4D every Saturday. 

I see oreddy, got idea - why not set up a 4D booth in the crown of the Statue of Liberty?  In fact, why not set up 4D booths in every single tourist attraction? Like that, sure attract more people.

They also say, hor, New York got a lot of famous people. Got one afternoon, while we walking that time, hor, my nephew pull my sleeve and shout, "Meh-donna! Meh-donna!"  I look, and only got this a bit bogay, a bit slutty-looking ang-mor char bor. 

So I slap the si nung kia again.

"You stupid or what? Meh-donna is not a char bor! Make me kan cheong only, I thought can go Meh-donna and buy Hello Kitty. My heart jump for nothing!"  

I ask you, nowsaday what they tich chewrens in school?

Next day we took bus and go Woodbury Common, the world's largest factory outlet. 

Wah lau eh, I tell you hor, is exactly like Disneyland like that, except got no rides. And no Mickey Mouse.  And no Goofy also.

One whole village got nothing but these designer shops, all discount many percent. But you ask me, hor, I say they still not as cheap as Haadyai designer shops. 

Some more, they cheat people one.  Because they all call themselves factory outlet, but I look and look and look, got no factory one! Anyhow call!

All in all, New York is quite can, lah.  Bit expensive, a bit cheat people. 

And it's true, New York got a lot of black people, but they all quite can, one.  

Because they all can speak a bit of Hokkien. 

I saw this black man dancing, and he kept calling everyone, "Yo! Yo!"  The Ah Beng downstair in my void deck also like that - dance and shout, "Yo-ah yo, yo-ah yo."  So acherly they quite the same. 

I think overall Singapore better lah, because New York Meh-donna don't have Hello Kitty one, you know.

3 September 2000

Auntie shares her top travel tips in this introductory column.

When people see me at my office (the small table outside the toilets at Bukit Gorblok Hawker Centre),  they don't suspect that I am a seasoned world traveller.

When people find out, they are always si beh surprised one. "How come a toilet auntie can afford it?"

The answer is simple-simple one: when they go in, I always offer them a packet of tissue paper.  This tissue is like industrial sandpaper one. One wipe and your kachng will look like wild dogs tore it apart.

I then ask if they want my "special" toilet paper - twin ply, with soft ruffles for maximum absorption and comfort.  You think they want? Of course, lah!  I then charge them $5 a packet.

If you're desperate enough to use the Bukit Gorblok Hawker Centre toilets, you'll also be desperate enough to buy $5 toilet paper.

And people are always desperate to use the Bukit Gorblok Hawker Centre toilets, because of the Bukit Gorblok Hawkers.

Business is si peh solid.

Anyway, the people at TalkingCock.com have asked me to write a Travel Column for them, beginning next week.  They say as a toilet auntie, I orreddy have plenty of experience with organizations that are full of shit.

So as an introductory column this week, I thought it might be nice to share with you all some of my top travel tips for your comfort and enjoyment:

1.  A travel agent who doesn't give you free bags is a koo bye.  That's why I always travel with Ken Brothers Reliable Air Travel.  They sometimes give you more than one bag per person. Bags are an important measure of the quality of the agent.

2. Always choose a travel agent with the word "Brothers" in their name. Because their bags are always good quality one.  You must have heard the song, It Ain't Heavy, It's My Brothers'.

3.  Make sure your travel agent provides Chinese food throughout your trip, regardless of country. Especially in Europe.  Bad enough you're in a chow ang-mor country, surely you shouldn't have to eat chow ang-mor food also.

4. Itinerary, itinerary, itinerary. More places, more value. How long does anybody need to stay and see a place? Five minutes is all you need to get a good idea of what most tourist "attractions" are about: they're old and last time got things happen there. See quickly, take photo and then hurry up go to a factory outlet or casino.

5.  Your luggage should always have the following items: instant noodles (one packet for each day of your trip, vital in European itineraries); mah-jong set (especially if your itinerary does not include a casino stopover); handphone with auto-roaming (the phones on board the plane are all si beh expensive); rice cooker (you can also cook your instant noodles in it).

6.  It is important to dress appropriately for travel.  But comfort is not the only factor.  We must show foreigners that we are not some obiang suah koo people.  I recommend track shoes and a windcheater. These go well with anything: jeans, singlet business suit, safari suit, tuxedo, cheong sam. Good enough to wear in parliament, good enough to travel in.

7. Make sure your tour bus got karaoke set.  It's especially useful when you have to travel through the night.  Your tour-group will always appreciate a soothing song to put them to sleep.

8.  Whenever you are tempted to buy souvenirs, look around.  There might be pirates around selling cheap knock-offs which will do just as well for your friends.

9.  Use travel as a time for personal reflection. It is important to compare everything you see with what you have at home in Singapore.  When you do this, you will feel a lot better about yourself and your life. Don't forget to voice your comparisons aloud, especially to locals.  If you find yourself at a loss for words, just use the basic phrase, "Singapore better one."

10.  At the end of every flight or tour, don't forget to lodge a complaint about something with the travel agent or airlines.  Don't shy. Small thing also can. Think hard enough, sure can find something one. But in your complaint, make sure you say that this was the trip of your dreams and that this thing ruined it forever, and now you must go Woodbridge. You never know, you might get some compensation or discount.

Happy travels!

-- The Toilet Auntie at Bukit Gorblok Hawker Centre