Horoscopes
by Madam Ghee Mee Looi

If it's your birthday today:
Congratulations.  It means you weren't born yesterday.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22
Hey, Leo! The way your career is going right now, you should ask James Cameron about making a sequel to Titanic.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22
The constellations say that someone will try to get into your pants and say, "It's okay.  Everyone's doing it, and besides, it's just a membrane."

LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 22
It's no coincidence that as the astrological sign of balance, you have the word "bra" in your name.  It's a good time to purchase lingerie.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21
If you've been finding that people have been avoiding you lately, it's because you're a scorpion. Now you know, you can remedy the situation.  Or maybe not.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21
As your Zodiac sign is that of the archer, you can expect to get arrowed this week by your boss.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19
Poor Capricorns are always feeling a little left out of society, which is understandable when you're the offspring of a union between man and horse. Don't despair - make the best of what nature has given you. Hang out at the Turf Club more, and you'll get the appreciation you crave.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
We know you're the Zodiac waterbearer, but if you keep brandishing your bottle of mineral water along the ECP, people might mistake you for that other kind of aqua-rius.

PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your life is approaching a crossroads, and you need to make a life-altering decision: are you a fish, or a Hong Kong-based department store?

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19
We warned you last week to stay away from the soup kambing stall, but would you listen? Noooo.

TAURUS Apr 20 -May 20
That holiday to Spain? Not a good idea for bulls.  Try India instead.

GEMINI May 21- Jun 20
Mars has aligned with Venus, which means it's a great time for you twins to pull a switcheroo on your respective spouses. Again.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22
Good news for all Cancerians. Your chemo is working and the tumours are growing smaller. Who ask you all to smoke so much?