Music to my ears (contributed by Chin Huanxiong)

Ah Beng is the M.C. for a really big concert by a tua pai singer from America. 

So  he goes on stage and says, "Kok wei sian si, siou jia, jia did wu nang  jin  jia huan hee chia tio bee kok lai eh Longan Lychee! (drum roll,  applause) Jia did yee ay qiu neng tay kwa. Tay it eh si Ong Lai  Long.  Tay jee eh si Seng Yew Seng Bee. Wu chia!" 

(Translation: "Ladies and gentlemen, we  are  delighted to have with us today Mr Lionel Ritchie from America. (drum  roll,  applause) Today, he will be singing two songs. The first is All Night  Long.  The second is Say You, Say Me. Please!")

Space Cadets (contributed by Ecumr)

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space. 3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese. 

Dr. M  interviews the Indian guy first:  "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you
should be paid for it?"

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."

"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.

"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu. 

"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."

So the Malay guy walks up, and is asked the same question.

"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.

"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"

"You see, Datuk," explained the Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children... so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."

"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"

Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."

Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"

Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers "One million you keep,  one million I keep, and then one more million we send the aneh into space."

Sala Parking (contributed by Derek Wong)

At Golden Shoe Car Park down the in the business district, a young, attractive lady executive was trying to park her brand new car. After a lot of circling, she spotted an empty lot. However, an old man was standing beside it. Being polite, she stopped her car and asked the old man in her poor Hokkien, "Ah Pek, wu lang pak, boh?" ("Uncle, is there anyone parking here?")

Almost instantly the old man slaps her face, pulls down his pants, displaying his manhood, and yells, "Nah! lum par teh chi tao!" ("Here! My genitals are right here!") 

(explanation for non-Hokkien speakers: "Wu lang pak boh?" sounds a lot like "Wu lum par, boh?" which means, "Do you have genitals?")

It's All in the Name (contributed by Swee Tong, Andy Pang and Conan Lee)

During an official visit to Thailand, DPM Tony Tan, DPM BG Lee Hsien  Loong, Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng  and opposition MP Chiam See Tong went to visit the notorious red light  district Patpong. 

Soon enough, a pretty prostitute beckoned to the  three  politicians. As they all moved towards her, BG Lee halted them.

He told Tony Tan, "Tony, tan." ("Tan" in Hokkien is "wait".)

He then told Chiam See Tong, "Chiam see tong." (Hokkien for  "temporarily  hold on".)

Next, BG Lee pointed to Wong Kan Seng, and said, "Wong, Kan Seng." (Hokkien for "Wong, screw first.")

However, Wong Kan Seng, being a polite man, replied, "Lee, hsien loong." ("Hsien loong" sounds  like  Hokkien for "bang first".)

Toilet Humour (contributed by busybiz)

An Ang Mor went to public toilet one day and was stopped by an Auntie at the entrance.

Auntie : Halo, sei kok. ('Sei kok' is '40 cents' in Cantonese)

Ang Mor was puzzled, and started to unzip to show his cock.

Auntie was shocked : No! Duit, duit! ('Duit' is 'money' in Malay)

Ang Mor found this a bit odd, not to mention gross, but he didn't want to offend her in case this was some local custom. So he climbed onto her and started doing her.

Auntie : Ah, Sakit, sakit. ('Sakit' is Malay for 'pain'.)

By now, Ang Mor was beginning to enjoy himself and started sucking her breast.

Auntie : Song ah, song ah! ("Feels good" in Hokkien)

Finally, Auntie couldn't take it anymore and was dead tired. So she gives Ang Mor the thumbs up and says: Chi dao ma eh cho, eh-sai man! ("You can do it even here, you are really something!")

Ang Mor saw her thumb pointing sidewards to the toilet and replied : " Inside? No thanks, I don't need to use the toilet anymore."

More Bhai Riddles (contributed by Gerald Soo)

What do you call a Bhai who is drunk? 
Yum Singh

What do you call a Bhai who is a gangster? 
Sum Singh

What do you call a Bhai who is noisy? 
Bisingh (bising is Malay for 'noisy')

What do you call a Bhai who killed Indira Gandhi? 
Assassingh

What were Indira Gandhi's farewell words? 
Bhai, bhai

What do you call a Bhai who swims underwater in a swimming pool? 
Kuldip Singh Gill

What do you call a Bhai parking attendant? 
Pakir Singh

What do you call a Bhai who is friendly to Americans? 
Pal Singh

What do you call a Bhai who works very hard? 
Choor Singh

What do you call a Bhai who is blind? 
Buta Singh

What do you call a two-wheeled vehicle for Sikhs? 
A bhai-cycle

What do you call a Sikh who uses insecticide?
Bhai-gon.

What do you call operating on a Bhai with a heart problem? 
Bhai-pass surgery

What do you call a Bhai who is recovering from surgery?
Convales Singh

Who is the Bhai's favourite pop musician? 
Barry Manilow, because he wrote the hits "I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Singh"

Phoney Discovery (contributed by Fred Chong)

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of  copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their  ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug  200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces  of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had  advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Singapore press reported the following: "After digging as deep  as 500m, Singapore scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded  that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

More Mat Riddles (contributed by Gary Ee)

What do you call a female Mat? 
Mattress (figure it out yourself)

What do you call a pretty girl in Johor?
Tourist.

How do you know a Mat just used your computer?
Liquid paper on the screen.

What are the longest 10 years of a Mat's life?
Primary 3.

What do you call a Mat in ekspres (sic) stream?
Cheater.

What do you call a Mat in JC?
Genius.

Going overboard (contributed by Gary Ee)

One day god looked down and saw a man rowing his boat down a stream. "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream" he sang. God was displeased at how idle he was and how little he was using his brains, and decided to teach him a lesson by removing half of it. 

"R-o-w, r-o-w, r-o-w y-o-u-r b-o-a-t," he sang at half speed. God was surprised, he didn't expect this
result and decided to see what would happen if the other half of the brain was removed. 

"Dayong sampan," sang the man.

The Last Straw (contributed by Gary Ee)

Ah Beng, Bhai and Ahmad were convicted of raping an Ang Mor chioh boo (pretend got such thing can?) and sentenced to death. In mitigation their lawyer said they were first offenders and very remorseful so the
judge said he would be lenient and allow them to choose how they wanted to be put to death; after all, he couldn't double the sentence...

Ah Beng said he want to die like Rambo in a hail of bullets and like a lau hero he faced the firing squad.
"Ni na beh..." Bang! and he was dead. 

Bhai wanted to show his piousness by returning to tradition, so he asked to be hanged naked from a tree
with vines and his request was duly granted. 

Mat wanted asked for death by lethal injection, but to show he was an "innovative" modern Mat, requested that he be injected with the Aids virus. On the day of execution the doctor told him that he was sorry to have to do this and that it was actually against the Hippocratic oath but he had no choice. 

Mat just smiled and whispered "Relac ah, Doc! I won't die. Today I know you coming so I wore condom!"

Just take our word for it... (contributed by Ecumr)

Adam and Eve were Malays, confirm plus guarantee.
Because if they were Chinese, they'd have eaten the snake.
And if they were Indian, they'd have tricked the snake into eating the apple.