30
April 2001
Lim Peh ka
li kong, hor, all these si noong kia nowsaday all are si beh ungrateful.
Like PM say, so many of them are
leaving Singapore.
To leave Singapore, hor, is si beh
unfilial.
Lim Peh ka li kong, it shows no
respect to the legacy of our ancestors.
I mean, our ancestors left their
own countries to flee oppression and the restriction of their liberty,
and came here to build a prosperous and comfortable life for themselves.
And now our chewren think they are
entitled to do the same thing?
Damn boh tua boh sway!
Some more, Singapore is not like,
say, China, where all sorts of funny laws can be invoked to suppress
your speech and liberty.
I think so, hor, our chewren have
all become si beh spoilt due to the easy living, and any small thing
only want to escape.
I acherly think a little bit of
hardship will do them good.
So we should start with changing
their toilet paper!
Nowsaday, hor, I see all these
young people buy soft-soft, cushiony pang sai chua.
On TV you even see people hugging
the pang sai chua! This is a terrible habit to encourage.
What happens if some small child
sees it, and copies it, but doesn't know that you should only hug it
BEFORE you use it?
Nao hiah, all these advertising
people all never think.
Anyway, last time, hor, our toilet
paper was like sandpaper like that.
When wipe, got blood one. (So the
women could not kao peh at us when it came to having their period. We
would just say, "So?")
Our toilet paper, hor, not only
clean our kachng, it also built our character!
So you see, our ancestors made it
because they were all hard-asses!
And Lim Peh ka li kong, we were
lucky to have sandpaper!
Last time, hor, before independence
that time, my ang mor boss used to make me kiss his kachng until
clean-clean!
Acherly, hor, I think so that our
gahmen is now encouraging more ang more foreign talent to come back, so
our chewren can learn to kiss their ass all over again!
Good! Teach them some humility!
I am sure that if they bring in
more ang mors whose asses our chewren have to kiss, they sure won't want
to leave Singapore any more.
Acherly, I notice they're also
bringing in a lot of Chinese foreign talent.
Good! That will help teach our
chewrens their Chinese heritage.
Because, hor, they will also have
to kiss the kachngs of these Chinese foreign talent, which is exactly
what our ancestors had to do!
So our chewrens will learn more
about what their ancestors had to do.
But, of course, they cannot do what
their ancestors did in response to kissing all that kachng.
Because it would be unfilial.
- LIM PEH
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2001. All rights reserved.
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26
March 2001
Lim Peh ka
li kong, hor, gah'men is right: people are becoming deafer and deafer.
Gah'men say that at work, hor, more
and more people are exposed to unhealthy noise levels, so cannot hear
properly.
It's true!
Like my son like that.
When I ask him, "Noong kia,
can you give me one thousand dollar to go Haadyai and get
massage?", he always walk past, like cannot hear like that.
And like last week, when I ask him
whether he can give me a ride to Desker Road so I can find kway, he turn
round and say to me, "You want me to do WHAT?"
And I was standing right next to
him some more, so he should have heard me loud and clear.
Tsk, damn sad when people so young
cannot hear.
But sometimes I also donno whether
it's because his ear drum is condemn oreddy, or is because got too much
ear wax and never clean.
So yesterday, I went to the chinese
medicine shop to buy an ear digger, just to test.
You know the kind of ear-digger I
mean, lah. Like a small-small spoon with a long-long handle like that.
Old men like to use, one.
Also got art in using it.
Must sit down in a comfortable
place, like your favourite kopi tiam, like that.
Then you bring both legs up onto
the chair.
You curl one leg in, and use the
knee of the other to support the elbow of the arm used to dig.
Then you bend your head in the
direction of the ear digger, and you scrape and scrape and scrape.
Sometimes is si beh song, one.
Especially if you got one big huge
piece of hee sai dropping out.
Like one big, brown, hardened clump
like that.
Is very fascinating to look at it,
one.
But Lim Peh ka li kong, hor,
nowsaday young people all got no sense of the wonders of nature.
Because when I take my hee sai to
show my grandchildren that time, hor, they all just go "Ee-yur, Ah
Kong, why you so gross?"
I say, "What gross? This is
very educational one!"
Si noong kia nowsaday all si beh
unfilial!
In my day, it would be a great
honour to receive the bodily excretions of one's elders.
Why, I remember how my father once
gave me a used tissue for Chinese New Year.
I ask him, "Pa, how come other
chewren got ang pao, yet you gave me a used tissue?"
And he said, "Gin nah, you
remember how when you asked me why I was picking my nose, and I told you
I was actually digging for gold?"
I said, yes.
He said, "Well, inside the
tissue got lots of gold! More valuable than plain money!"
But anyway, I think the gah'men
must really tackle this issue of deafness.
Maybe should distribute ear-diggers
at every music store or shopping centre, like toothpicks at a
restaurant.
Acherly, if ear-diggers are too
espensive, can also use toothpicks.
Just must be a bit more careful,
that's all.
Don't accidentally also use it for
your teeth after you use it for ears.
I think is si beh important that
people hear properly.
After all, what's the use of having
Lim Peh ka li kong, if there's no noong kia to hor wa tiah?
- LIM PEH
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2001. All rights reserved.
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12
March 2001
Lim Peh ka
li kong, hor, medical services here are getting from bad to worse.
In fact, hor, I hear that people
are complaining about the rising level of abuse in our hospitals. I also
say!
Like just last week, hor, I went to
Tan Cock Seng Hospital and I was abused by the staff!
This was what happened.
I woke up that morning and my
kukucheow was completely out of order.
Not even the sight of the ABC extra
stout posters in the kopi tiam downstairs could wake it.
But did any of my fambly members
show any sympathy? No!
In fact, when I told my son, he
just laughed and said, "That's why your name is Lim Peh! Get
it? LIMP-eh!"
And then the si noong kia just
laughed and laughed like some seow lang like that.
I tells you, hor, nowsaday the
chewrens all boh tua boh suay!
All also damn unappreciative of the
efforts of senior citizens!
I tells you, ah, this kukucheow has
done a lot for Singapore's international relations!
I ask you, which diplomat has taken
so much time to make friends with the people of Hatyai as much as my
kukucheow?
Anyway, so for the sake of
Singapore-Thailand relations, I decided to go to Tan Cock Seng for a
checkup.
I knew things were very bad,
because even though I sat in the back of the bus where the engine
vibrates the most strongly, my kukucheow was still damn buay sai.
And this is where the problems
started.
When the lady doctor examine me
that time, I decided I had to show her how serious the problem was.
So I just reach out and grab her
neh-neh, just to demonstrate that my little brother refuse to wake
up.
But instead the chao char bor loh
koon went to call security and claim I assault her and outrage her
modesty!
Nao hiah! What modesty does she
have to outrage? Women nowsaday all got no modesty, one, what!
Last time, they all got, because
they all stay home to cook and clean and cannot go out of the house. All
si beh modest. Otherwise we will sepak them.
The only women who go out to work
were the kways. And they definitely don'tch have modesty, one.
But now, all the char bor all can
go everywhere, so likewise, we men should also be able to ji seow them!
But when I tried to tell the lady
doctor to educate her about this bit of Singapore social history only,
she claim I also verbally abuse her and sexually harass her!
So I shout back, my kukucheow
cannot wake up, how can I sexually do anything to her? Some more, I even
take it out and show her but instead, she started screaming!
At this point, the bhai security
guard came to throw me out.
Of course, I struggle, lah. But he
was very strong and held me very tightly.
But you know what?
The story ended happily.
Because during the struggle with
the bhai, my kukucheow suddenly came alive!
Now Mr. Singh and I are damn good
friends.
Lim Peh ka li kong, hor, sometimes
the solution to your troubles comes to you by the back door!
At least that's what Mr. Singh
promises to show me tomorrow.
- LIM PEH
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2001. All rights reserved.
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26
February 2001
Lim Peh ka
li kong, hor, I am si beh happy that someone is reviving the old Rex
cinema.
I remember how as a
young man, I used to go to Rex a lot.
It was always the start
of a good evening: a meal at Fatty's at Albert Street, then go to Rex for
a movie and curry puff, then off to nearby Desker Road.
My friends and I used to
say, "First to Rex, then to Sex!"
But, hor, in later
years, the place not so happening oreddy.
At one point, Rex even
became an ice skating rink!
I must admit I used to
go there when it was an ice skating rink.
I didn't skate, lah!
I just wait for the
girl-girl there to fall down, and hopefully can see colour TV a bit.
But even the ice-skating
rink didn't last.
Nowsaday, when I pass by
there on the way to Desker Road (where everyday also can see colour TV,
except the programmes are all a bit old and reception not so clear), I see
next to Rex got a lot, a lot of Bangla workers.
I remember how got one
MP kena sai because he say because of the Banglas, Serangoon Road there is
like a blackout like that.
How can people say this
sort of thing?
Must be more sensitive
to people, lah!
It's not like a blackout
at all!
It's more like a
gathering of crows, because they also make a lot of noise.
Anyway, Rex was also
famous for their curry puffs.
Got two stalls: one is
Selera curry puff, and the other, which has now gone franchise, is Old
Chang Kee.
Actually, "Old
Chunky" is coincidentally the name of this mama-san who used to hang
out near Selegie Road.
She's still around, but
like the Old Chang Kee curry puff nowsaday, she's not as tasty and got
hardly any ingredients. (Mostly potato.)
I hear that they want to
transform Rex into a disco called "TJ
Live House@theRex" or something si beh easy to remember like
that.
What does TJ stand
for?
The only TJ I remember
is TJ Hooker.
And I guess when I think
of hanging out at Rex, after the cinemas, I also think of hookers.
But I hear it's because
the owners also operate a pub in Mohamed Sultan called "Tajie"
which sounds like "big sister".
If that's the case, then
they're definitely fitting in with my memories of Rex... I also used to go
there to find "big sisters".
Which is also hookers.
Hmmm...
So it looks like I'll be
hanging out a lot at the new Rex!
As long as there I can
also see colour TV.
Lim Peh ka li kong, hor,
I cannot wait to have Rex!
- LIM PEH
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2001. All rights reserved.
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19
February 2001
Lim Peh ka li kong, hor, people
don't treat old folks equally.
Like last week, hor, I heard that
not enough Singaporeans were donating organs.
And I got to thinking: my organ
right now not in use very much.
Mostly used to pang jeo.
Sometimes, I take it out to show
the next door neighbour's little girl.
That's all.
Might as well let other people
use-use a while, then I also song-song.
Like that is a win-win situation.
So I went to my polyclinic and told
the doctor that I wanted to donate my organ.
But the si noong kia said,
"Mr. Lim, they only want your kidneys and liver."
Kidneys and liver?
Wah lau!
What, they want to make spare parts
soup, is it?
I think so, ah, the Ministry of
Health all watch that "Hannibal" show a bit too many times!
So I went round asking people,
where can I donate my organ?
Someone told me, for this kind of
thing, can only be Geylang.
But when I went to Geylang Lorong
69 to go and donate my organ, you know what those si orh kwee there told
me?
Must pay money!
Lim Peh ka li kong, hor, society
has become so obsessed with money!
People are dying without organs and
still, donors are made to pay?
What kind of system is this?
So I told the person in charge: how
can you ask someone to pay to donate his organ?
Some more, my organ is hardly
used.
Well, at least not in the last
twenty years.
Okay, lah, a bit old, but surely
they should appreciate the fact that it comes with experience?!
But the si noong kias there all
call me senile and told me to go away.
Lim Peh ka li kong, hor, society
has really become terrible if a person, out of the goodness of his
heart, cannot donate his organ for free.
Some more, when people are dying,
they can suka-suka choose what organ they want!
I simply cannot accept this.
Some more, got all this
bureaucracy.
Must check with this foundation,
lah, that hospital, lah.
All si beh troublesome!
I have decided that I shall go
directly to the people who need organs to donate mine.
I shall stand outside the C ward at
SGH and wave my organ around and give it to the first person who wants
it!
Lim Peh ka li kong, this organ
donation system is si beh cock.
- LIM PEH
© http://www.TalkingCock.com
2001.
All rights reserved.
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