6 August 2001

Hallo, chums!

'Tis I, your pal Louie Chin Ooh Lui, writing to you from Oxbridge University where as you are no doubt well-apprised, I am on a government scholarship to pursue a degree in political engineering.

This week, I was informed that the good folks at the Public Service Commission were instituting a new programme for incoming scholars to help them deal with the vagaries of living overseas for the first time.

What an absolutely brilliant idea!  I wish I had the good fortune of having undergone such a course when I first came to Oxbridge.

It was such a culture shock.

I met so many people who were openly disagreeing with and criticising their own government policies!

It was revolting - washing dirty linen in public!

I was so upset that I complained to the PSC about how such decadent Western practices might influence, nay, infect our impressionable young scholars!

All credit to them, they acted swiftly to erect a special Singaporeans-only hostel, so that our contact with non-Singaporeans would be minimized.

And stationed some fine operatives from Internal Security to help us with the necessary indoctrination innoculation.

However, this secure haven is only for government scholars.

Sadly, the non-scholars will have to be exposed to the contagion of free discourse.  Urgh!  Who knows what germs they might pick up?

Which is why I also support the new University Scholars Programme at NUS which seeks to isolate the gifted from the great unwashed. 

We simply can't be too careful in this age of communicable disease.

And frankly, some of the lives these non-Singaporeans and non-scholars lead are pretty damn savage.

Like cooking!  Can you imagine?

Have these people no chefs? Surely a car to drive to the nearest cafe? Or at least mobile phones to call for takeout?

I simply can't understand why some people who come to Oxbridge, the pinnacle of social achievement, should be engaging in menial activities.

And some of them actually delude themselves into thinking that it shows self-reliance!

How are these people expected to be leaders if they spend their time acting out the practices of the led?

One should start as soon as possible assuming the mindset of the management.

So I definitely support the new orientation programme they're holding for incoming scholars.

Although I can't see why they're holding it on Pulau Ubin.  I mean, Ubin is hardly going to be like Oxbridge or Harvard or Yale, is it?

I'm going to suggest that they move the programme to somewhere which is more relevant - somewhere that will better reflect the leadership roles our boys and girls will soon assume.

Like the Plaza Hotel in New York.  Or at least the Grand Hyatt in Bali.

If they do, I'll gladly volunteer to help with the teaching!

Toodles!

- Louie

9 July 2001

Bonjour, mon petit choux!

I'm on my summer break from my political engineering degree here at Oxbridge University, where as your superiors have no doubt apprised you, I am on a government scholarship.

Am heeding the government's call to get more global experience before heading home to join the public service.

Which is why I'm spending my summer here on the French Riviera, soaking up the famous Cote d'Azur sun on the St. Tropez shores, sipping on a Martini.

So far, it's been a most educational experience. I really agree with the government that Singaporeans need to get more global exposure.

I mean, what kind of country can we possibly hope to be if our people do not know which wines to pair with Roquefort cheese?

We can learn a lot from Europe.  I'm seeing many good things in Europe that we in Singapore should also try to emulate.

For instance, here in Europe, there are a lot more Europeans than in Singapore. 

And we must ask ourselves why should this be the case?

What makes Europe so much more attractive to Europeans than Singapore?

Europeans are so much more civilized and sophisticated than our local riff-raff.  You can tell just by their beach behaviour.  

At Singapore beaches (I must admit I have never actually been to one, having no need to, what with a country club membership, but my servants tell me this is the case) there are a lot of scruffy (shudder) heartlanders barbecuing food and screaming and splashing around.  

Whereas here at St. Tropez, they finger little smoked salmon canapes and champagne flutes while tanning themselves and giving each other air kisses. Most people don't even go into the water because it might muss up their hair.

We should definitely import more Europeans so that we can follow European development more closely.

One must ask oneself, though: would Europeanization change Singapore in unacceptable ways?

There are many pros to greater Europeanization: for instance, we could circumvent this issue of too many people not speaking proper English, by making everyone speak French.

And we could have more wine and cheese parties instead of all our MSG-laden hawker food.  

And if we become more European, perhaps we can be the first Southeast Asian member of the European Union!  

Which is a lot more prestigious (not to mention pleasant) than being grouped amongst those losers in Asean.

Of course, there are cons too. Like the fact that having so many Asians around would make it extremely difficult to appear European.

You see, it's this kind of methodical and logical analysis that we government scholars are trained to provide.

But it's not easy to think out of the box.

Which is why sometimes one has to take oneself out of the box in order to think out of it.

And that's why I prefer to think about Singapore issues while I'm lying on a rattan chaise longue here at the beaches on Baie des Canoubiers.

But just to ensure I get a more varied viewpoint, I must also try to think about Singapore on the beaches of Cannes and St. Jean Cap Ferrot as well. 

Nothing is too great a sacrifice for us helicopter-visioned scholars!

- Louie

25 June 2001

Hola, amigos! 

Once again, it's your old compadre, Louie Chin Ooh Lui!

As usual, I'm writing from the hallowed halls of learning at Oxbridge University, where as you all know, I'm still on a government scholarship to study political engineering.

I've just completed my exams. 

I've aced them, of course.  

All the Singaporean scholars did.  But then, isn't that to be expected? 

After all, we're supposed to be of superior stock. At least that's what my daddy told me. 

When I asked him what kind of stock he meant, he replied, "Microsoft, DBS and AT&T." and laughed for a very long time.

But I don't want you to go away with the notion that we're just these genetically-gifted mutant geniuses. 

Because we work very hard to get the grades we do.

For instance, it's really hard-going staying awake when my private tutor comes over to help me do my assignments and cram for the exams. 

People don't seem to appreciate how much strain it is to keep one's eyes open. 

Especially after a hard night out in the clubs, getting off on E's.

And of course, taking exams isn't all about memory retention.  A lot of it is about technique.

In this regard, I believe my technique works exceptionally well and has produced a slew of great works.

Don't go spreading it around (wouldn't want those B-graders at NUS to know), but how I approach the exams is very, shall we say, new economy.

I affix a contact lens which is connected wirelessly to a terminal where my tutor is sitting, logged into the internet and a database of all my texts.

He views whatever my contact lens sees, and then transmits the answers wirelessly to a special pen that I am using.  

Clever, eh? So who says that it doesn't take brains?  It's far cleverer to circumvent systems than conquer them.

The thing is, it's easy, and anyone can learn the method.  

All one needs to avail himself or herself of it is access to the dividends of a couple of trust funds. 

And any respectable Singaporean should have one.  So there's really no excuse.

But since so many folks seem not to be doing it, I guess it's true that not all of us are created equal intellectually.

There was even some creep who said this was cheating and threatened to report me. 

Of course it was entirely legit, and this peasant was just having a case of sour grapes. 

Anyway, the case went away when I got Daddy to get the ISD to hack into his computer, where we found out he was reading some subversive site called 'SpeakingRooster.com' or something.

Anyway, with that, it was pretty easy to put him away someplace where he can, eh, chill out. Together with his parents' frozen assets! {chuckle!)

I guess some people just can't deal with the principles of meritocracy.  Sad, isn't it?

- Louie