Going overboard (contributed by Gary Ee)

One day god looked down and saw a man rowing his boat down a stream. "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream" he sang. God was displeased at how idle he was and how little he was using his brains, and decided to teach him a lesson by removing half of it. 

"R-o-w, r-o-w, r-o-w y-o-u-r b-o-a-t," he sang at half speed. God was surprised, he didn't expect this
result and decided to see what would happen if the other half of the brain was removed. 

"Dayong sampan," sang the man.

The Last Straw (contributed by Gary Ee)

Ah Beng, Bhai and Ahmad were convicted of raping an Ang Mor chioh boo (pretend got such thing can?) and sentenced to death. In mitigation their lawyer said they were first offenders and very remorseful so the
judge said he would be lenient and allow them to choose how they wanted to be put to death; after all, he couldn't double the sentence...

Ah Beng said he want to die like Rambo in a hail of bullets and like a lau hero he faced the firing squad.
"Ni na beh..." Bang! and he was dead. 

Bhai wanted to show his piousness by returning to tradition, so he asked to be hanged naked from a tree
with vines and his request was duly granted. 

Mat wanted asked for death by lethal injection, but to show he was an "innovative" modern Mat, requested that he be injected with the Aids virus. On the day of execution the doctor told him that he was sorry to have to do this and that it was actually against the Hippocratic oath but he had no choice. 

Mat just smiled and whispered "Relac ah, Doc! I won't die. Today I know you coming so I wore condom!"

Just take our word for it... (contributed by Ecumr)

Adam and Eve were Malays, confirm plus guarantee.
Because if they were Chinese, they'd have eaten the snake.
And if they were Indian, they'd have tricked the snake into eating the apple.

Down To Earth (contributed by Einheit)

One day, the Singapore Armed Forces was testing out a new prototype attack helicopter developed locally. 

They contracted three test pilots (1 Chinese, 1 Indian and 1 Malay) to test out the helicopter. 

On the first day, the Chinese pilot took the chopper out to test its manoeuvrability. The chopper weaved and turned in the sky, displaying all its acrobatic capabilities. His verdict was: "Wah! This helicopter good, man!" 

On the second day, the Indian pilot got in and carried out tests on its weapon systems. The craft blew up targets after targets. His verdict: "Shiok man! Can defend our country from now on!" 

The third day saw the Mat pilot entering the craft to test the vertical rate of climb and the highest operating ceiling altitude. The chopper flew up like an arrow, however, after 5 minutes, the helicopter crashed down on to the airfield. Miraculously, the mat pilot survived. His verdict? 

"Wah Lao eh! Lousy helicopter man. So bloody cold up there, I switch off the fan, then the stupid thing crashed!"

Logik, sial

A World Bank development official went into a kampung to help the residents improve economically.

He immediately felt the reason for the poverty was clear when he saw Mat lounging under a tree.

"Why aren't you working?" he asked.

"Work for what?" replied Mat.

World Bank Official: "So you can have an income!"

Mat: "For what?"

World Bank Official: "So you can start saving!"

Mat: "For what?"

World Bank Official: "So you don't have to work any more!"

Mat looked at him, puzzled, and said: "I'm not working now." 

Stick 'em up (contributed by Terrence Tan)

Three men, Ah Beng, a Chinese, Ah Neh, an Indian, and Ah Mat, a Malay, were all sentenced to terms of life imprisonment for armed robbery. 

Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, "Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I'll try to fulfil it."

So Ah Beng asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke.

Ah Neh asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his PSLE.

Ah Mat, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons. 

The warden was puzzled and asked, "What do you need tampons for?"

Ah Mat replied: "You never hear, is it?  With tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming......"

Anyhow Whack (contributed by Roland)

Once there was a kampung, and the village headman was very  concerned about the poor economic performance of the Malay community. So he commissioned a professor of sociology to study all the communities of  the village to discover the cause.

After much study, the professor finally reported back to the headman.

"Well, it looks like the economic problems all stem from the drumbeats  of each community," said the professor.

"Eh? What you talking?" replied the headman.

"You see, the Malay word for 'profit' is 'untong'. And it so happens  that the Chinese drumbeat is UNTONG ... UNTONG ... UNTONG, UNTONG, UNTONG!!"

"I see, so of course they make lots of money! And what about the  Indians?"

"Well, the Indians don't make that much money, so their drumbeat is  SIKIT SIKIT UNTONG, SIKIT SIKIT UNTONG."

"And the Malays?"

"Unfortunately, it's TAK UNTONG, TAK UNTONG, TAK UNTONG ..."

Taken to the cleaners (contributed by Have Cock Will Travel)

Two Malaysian mats are walking along Boon Lay Road when they see a sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair'. 

Ali says to his pal, "Gerek, sial! We could buy a whole lot and when we get back to Johor, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you diam-diam, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Singapore accent." 

They go in and Ali orders 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. 

The owner of the shop says, "You're from Malaysia, aren't you?" 

"Oh, ... yes," says a surprised Ali. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

Let he who is without brains cast the first stone (contributed by Mat)

A war broke out between two neighbouring countries - a small island and its northern neighbour. The southern, predominantly Chinese soldiers decided to pull a trick on its northern enemy. 

The southern troops called out "Eh, Mat! Mat!", and suddenly the northern troops began standing up and asking "Siapa panggil aku?" (who's calling me?). 

The southeners immediately opened fire, killing a great number of these mats. 

Furious, the remaining Mat soldiers decided to pull the same trick on their enemies... "Oi, Lee! Lee!", they shouted, and the Lee Soldiers started shouting back, "Kong simi?" (What are you talking about?). 

The mat soldiers immediately stood up and replied, "Aku lah!" (Me, lah!), getting their heads shot off soon after.

Potong Saga (contributed by Tony)

A Chinese guy bought a new car, and drove it to a temple to have it blessed. The Taoist priest chanted a mantra, stuck a paper talisman on the windscreen and sprinkled some scented water over the car.

An Indian guy bought a new car, sent it to his temple  - the priest chanted a prayer and sprinkled ash over the bonnet.

An Eurasian bought a new car and took it to his church - the Father said a prayer, sprinkled some holy water over the car and stuck a St. Christopher medallion on the dashboard.

A Malay guy bought a new car, took it to his regular mosque and the Imam chanted some prayers. Then, the Imam took a hacksaw, went to the back of the car and sawed of a part of the exhaust tailpipe.

You're Fried (contributed by ZJ Chen)

A British soldier, a Chinese soldier and a Malay soldier were running away from a group of Japanese soldiers and came to a deserted warehouse. 

The British saw some gunny sacks and thought that the they had no choice but to hide using the gunny sacks. So the three of them hid in the gunny sack and soon the Japs came into the warehouse. 

The commander saw three suspicious looking sacks, went up to the first one with the Briton hiding in it and kicked it. The quick thinking Briton cried, "Meow, meow!" 

The Jap commander, thinking it was only a cat, went to the other with the Chinese inside, gave it a kick, and the Chinese cried, "Woof, woof!" 

Again, the Jap commander was tricked and moved on to the third, gave it a kick, at which the Malay cried out, "Potato, potato!"

Great Expectations

Mat went into the Job Centre to apply for a job.  He filled in the Name, Age, Address and IC No. columns, but then paused at a column marked "Salary Expected".  He wasn't sure what to write, so he thought for a long while.  At last, he smiled, put his pen to paper and wrote, "Yes".

Air Borne (contributed by Brent)

4 commandos went on a mission. They were 1 American, 1 Japanese, and 2 Singaporeans ( 1 Malay and 1 Chinese). 

They were on a helicopter with their barang barangs. Midway in the air, the American commando took out a brand new pack of Marlboros, opened it and took out a stick to smoke. Then he threw the rest of the pack out of the helicopter. On seeing this, the Japanese commando asked, 

Japanese: Why you throw away the pack of cigarettes? 
American : Marlboro!!! America got a lot !!! 

Then the Japanese took out his Sony walkman, and started to listen to it. After a while, he stopped and threw the whole walkman out of the helicopter. The Chinese commando saw it and asked, 

Chinese : Why you throw away your Sony walkman? 
Japanese: Sony walkman!!! Japan got a lot !!! 

Then the Chinese suddenly grabbed the Malay and threw him out of the helicopter. The American and the Japanese were shocked! They asked him why he threw the Malay commando out. 

The Chinese commando replied: " Malay!!! Singapore got a lot !!!

Television (contributed by MJ)

One day Ramli was looking to buy a television. (Let's say he couldn't try Courts because he got banned for being unable to continue his installment payments a tad too often.) So he tried this neighbourhood department store that sold a wide range of electrical appliances. Not knowing that the store was prejudiced against Mats, he went in and looked around. 

When he finally found what he was looking for, he went up to the sales assistant and asked, "Eh brudder, how much this TV, ah?" 

The sales assistant gave him a disgusted look and proclaimed, "Get out of this store, we don't provide service to low-life mats. Fuck off!" 

Ramli was very sad, but he was determined to get his TV. So, fortunately for him, he had this make-up artist friend who could do wonders. Ramli was thus disguised as a Chinese, and very well too. It was like a total transformation took place. Even his own mother couldn't recognise him. 

So off he went, back to the store, this time just wandering around casually, taking his time until the Sales Assistant came up to him and said, "Good afternoon, sir, may I help you with anything?" 

Ramli, in his most distinguished manner, replied, "Yes please, I would like to know, this televisen how much?"

The sales assistant squinted and stared at Ramli for a few seconds, then exclaimed," Look, you stupid cock, I told you once and I'm telling you again that we don't serve people like you so why don't you just fuck off and don't ever come back!" 

Ramli was shocked that the salesperson was able to recognise him when even his own mother almost chased him away thinking he was a stranger. 

"Eh! how you know I who? My disguise gerek what, how come you still know?" asked the shocked Ramli.

The sales assistant looked at him disgustedly and said," Because, you bodoh, that's a microwave oven."

Sahara Club (contributed by Ted)

An ang-mor, a Chinese and a Mat were driving through the desert when their jeep suddenly broke down. The only supplies they brought were a bottle of water and an umbrella. The ang-mor swiped the bottle of water and walked off. The Chinese took the umbrella and went in a different direction. The Mat, unfazed, ripped the jeep door off and did likewise. 

3 days later, the men were rescued by a search party. The media was amazed on how they survived for 3 days in the desert, and asked them how they managed it. 

The ang-mor replied, "Oh I carried a bottle of water and rationed myself to a minimum amount per day." 

The Chinese answered, "I used the umbrella to shade myself in the daytime so that I wouldn't lose water by dehydration." 

The Mat boasted, "You see ah, brudder, I carried thees jeep door, so dat when I was feeling hot, I only have to wind down the window, lah." 

Beat This! (contributed by MJ)

A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, "Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who's cock the biggest, lah. My cock bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I melayu, issit? 

The father sighed and looked at him and said, "No,lah. Because you're eighteen years old." 

Insert Here (contributed by MJ)

Somewhere in Desker Road, there was a porn shop. One day the owner had to go out for a while and told his assistant to look after the shop and try to make some sales. 

After a while, an Ah Lian walked into the store and looked around at the dildo section. 

Ah Lian: White dido how march? 
Assistant: 20 dollars. 
Ah Lian: And den the black one? 
Assistant: Same. 
Ah Lian: I neh try black one. You gimme dat.

With that, he made 20 dollars. After a while, an Indian woman came to the store and looked around for a dildo. 

Indian lady : Ayoyo, the vhaiiite dildo, how much? 
Assistant: 20 dollars. 
Indian lady: And dhen the black vun?
Assistant: Same. 
Indian lady: Amah, I never try vhite vun before. I take vhite vun. 

So he made another 20 dollars. Not bad he thought. After which, a Minah came to the store and looked around.

Minah: Eh-eh! The white dildo. Berapa? (How much?) 
Assistant: 20 dollars. 
Minah: Like that ah? Then the black one? 
Assistant: Same price. 
Minah: Hmm... (looking around more)..... Eh-eh! That chequered one how much? 
Assistant: (confused) Which one? 
Minah: There! That one on the shelf. Besar punya! (big one) 
Assistant: (smiling widely) This one is very special dildo, the only one of its kind in Singapore. It's very expensive, but satisfaction guaranteeed. 360 dollars! 
Minah: Wah! So much, ah! Ok never mind, I take. 

After a while, the owner came back and asked the Assistant how much he made. 

Assistant: I made $400. 
Owner: So much? What did you sell? 
Assistant: Well, I sold a white dildo for $20, a black one for $20 dollars and some Minah bought your thermos flask for $360! 

What The Fish (contributed by MJ)

One day, Ahmad and Ramli decided to go fishing in the sea. They needed a boat, but did not have one so they decided to rent a fishing boat. 

When they went out to sea, they tried one spot first, but had no luck catching fish. So they decided to try another spot but to no avail. They sailed to a number of different spots and as luck would have it, they finally found one spot where they managed to catch fish after fish. 

So Ahmad told Ramli that they should come back tomorrow to fish again, and asked him to somehow mark the spot or try to remember where they were so that they would have a lot of fish to catch. Ramli said that he would take care of it and they both returned home, satisfied with the day's catch and eager for the next day to come. 

The next morning, as they were on their way to the boat rental shop, Ahmad asked Ali, "So, do you know the spot where got a lot of fish?" 

Ali replied, "Jangan tension, I very clever, I do what you tell me and mark the area." 

"So what did you do?" asked Ahmad. 

"I very clever I tell you, I painted an X under the boat at the spot where got many fish!" replied Ali. 

Ahmad looked at his friend for a very long time and finally gave him a deserving smack on the head while shouting, "You stupid kotek (cock)!!!!!! What if we get a different boat today?!!"

Mat Riddles

What do you call a Mat lawyer?
Matlock!

What do you call a Mat who's driving a Mercedes Benz?
Ahmad. (Chauffeur)

What do you call a Mat who's driving a Datsun 121?
Thief.

What do you call a Mat who's peddling a bicycle?
Also a Thief.

What do you call a Mat driving a Porsche/Ferrari/Alpha Romeo that he bought with his own hard earned money? (contributed by MJ)
A figment of your wildest imagination.

What do you call a Mat flying first class in an airplane throwing his weight around? (contributed by MJ)
A hijacker. 

How do you confuse a Mat? (contributed by MJ)
Put him in a circular room and ask him to relac one corner.

What do you call a Mat bungee jumping? (contributed by MJ)
Mat-Yo Yo 

What do you call a young Mat ? (contributed by MJ)
Mini Mat 

When a normal female kills her foetus, it's called abortion. 
What is it called when a Minah does the same thing? (contributed by MJ)
Drug abuse prevention. 

What do you call a Mat driving a Nissan (or any non-luxury car)? (contributed by Mat)
A car thief.

What do you call a Mat driving a police car? (contributed by Mat)
A stupid car thief.

What's the difference between a mat and a bucket of shit? (contributed by Mat)
The bucket

What do you call a small, cheap Malay? (contributed by pitbull)
Econ mini mat 

What is a Malay's favourite tv show? (contributed by pitbull)
Ali Matbeal 

Where is a Malay's favourite shopping spot? (contributed by pitbull)
Matro 

If Singaporeans eat maggi mee and Indonesians eat indomee, then what do Malaysians eat? (contributed by pitbull)
Sodomee

More Mat Riddles (contributed by Gary Ee)

What do you call a female Mat? 
Mattress (figure it out yourself)

What do you call a pretty girl in Johor?
Tourist.

How do you know a Mat just used your computer?
Liquid paper on the screen.

What are the longest 10 years of a Mat's life?
Primary 3.

What do you call a Mat in ekspres (sic) stream?
Cheater.

What do you call a Mat in JC?
Genius.

Got more jokes? Send them to jokes@talkingcock.com

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