News

Government To Regulate Taxi Conversations During Election
by Phoenix Klaw and Kok Kok Kway

The Singapore Parliament has passed a new Parliamentary Elections (Amendment) Bill to regulate conversations in taxis during the election period.

Drivers who violate the bill are liable to be detained without trial, their driving license confiscated, and their family never issued driving licenses again.

"The government has always maintained that politics should be based on factual and objective representation of issues, and reasoned debate. People must know that they have to comply with the law, not libel anyone and not spread falsehoods.” said Mr. Sailen Singh, Head of the Department of Information and Arts Management (DIAM).

Mr. Singh said: "Studies in 50 countries show that taxi drivers are the most opinionated people. During the last GE, some taxi operators were intentionally spreading election gossip so as to increase their rider-ship. We have found them talking especially loudly when they sit at coffee shops, so that they can attract riders. This was also a way for them to lengthen the taxi ride. Quite unscrupulous, since the only basis for their opinions is what they see when they are driving around, not Singapore newspapers, which have the most accurate news on Singapore."

Explaining her support for the Bill, MP Aimee Loos, said that it was important to level the playing field during elections. “We want to make sure that buses and MRT do not lose passengers during election time.”

The Bill has drawn up a list of positive and negative things drivers can discuss with their passengers during the election period:

Things they can say:

	Usual greetings like "Hello", “Good morning”, "Thank you", “Quick! Get in! Traffic police behind.”
	Non-partisan comments like "Stand up for Singapore", “Dun go to Malaysia.”, “Zoe Tay chin swee.”
	Questions/remarks related to enjoyment of the ride, eg, "Air-con cold enough?" "$50? No change lah!" “Woah, Miss! Your T-shirt very tight, leh.”

What they cannot talk about:

	High cost of oil (because this can be seen as a comment on a particular political party)
	Traffic congestion (because this can be seen as a comment on a particular political party)
	Which is the fastest route to take (because this is related to traffic congestion)
	Recession (because this can be seen as a comment on a particular political party)
	Difficulty of getting good coffee nowadays (because this can be seen as a comment on a particular political party)
	Bad Mediacorp programs on TV (because this can be seen as a comment on a particular political party)
	Hot weather (because this can be seen as a comment on a particular political party)

The Singapore Taxi Driver Union has issued a travel advisory to its members, recommending that to comply with the law, they should conduct no conversations with their passengers during the election. Instead, they should have a chalk board for passengers to write down their destinations. “You never know what can be a political opinion.”

The Hong Kong Taxi Driver Union issued an analysis, which has gone through proper internal clearance procedures: “Once again, Singapore is taking the approach that 'what is not expressly allowed is forbidden' rather than our approach of 'what is not expressly forbidden is allowed'. Singapore’s Bill will improve the competitiveness of Hong Kong taxi drivers, because we can be more creative. For example, we can say with great impunity that 'Tung Chee Hwa is a sei fei tzai' without any repercussions. This is good for a knowledge-based economy. Our streets will have more buzz.”

Said a Singapore taxi driver who did not wish to be named, "Aiyah, this new gahmen regulation is unfair. We have to compete with the Mobile TV on buses, mah. Gossiping is just our way of providing our customers with entertainment."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. All articles are completely fictitious and humourous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. (If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Thanks To Recession, More Pregnant Women Able To Find Seats On MRT
by Kway Png

As it was revealed that fewer Singaporeans were taking train rides due to the recession, the Singapore Pregnancy Assistance Women's Network (SPAWN) announced that more pregnant women were able to find seats on their commute.

"With the drop in ridership, there has been a corresponding fall in the number of people who pretend to be asleep when a pregnant woman steps on board," said Mrs. Toh Chin Tuah, the President of SPAWN. "This has led to a number of unforeseen complications for some of our members."

For instance, Mrs. Yao Huaiyun, 28, was so surprised that she was able to find a seat at rush hour, she went straight into labour - 3 months early.

"I've decided to name my son Yew Tee, after the station where he was delivered," said Mrs. Yao. "Thank goodness it wasn't at Dhoby Gaut."

Other people have also been affected by the drop in kiasu Singaporeans determined to hold on to their precious MRT seats.

For example, geriatrician Dr. Quah Lau Lang said, "My business has dropped by at least 30%. Last time, I used to have a steady stream of elderly patients who'd come to me for pains associated with having to stand all the way from Boon Lay to Pasir Ris. But now, I see fewer of them. This bleddy recession!"

SMRT spokesman Chay Huay Chia said, "We apologize for the inconvenience caused, and hope to have services restored shortly."

PM Launches New Book: 'No Money No Honey'
by K. K. Cheow

To accompany his National Day Rally speech, Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong unveiled a new book listing the country's achievements under his government, which he hopes will send a message inspiring Singaporeans to overcome the challenges ahead - "No Money No Honey".

The 66 page booklet - which incidentally has absolutely nothing to do with upcoming elections, nothing whatsoever, nope, pure coincidence, don't be so cynical, Singapore's politicians are not at all like those overseas - is supposed to show that we have overcome adversity and can do so again.

A bestselling local book
which has a message
that may seem similar
to the National Day booklet's,
but which in actual fact,
has nothing
whatsoever in common.

Like an earlier bestseller by David Brazil with a similar title, stated Prime Minister's Office spokesman Mr. Cheng Hu Kong - which incidentally has absolutely nothing to do with this book, nothing whatsoever, nope, pure coincidence, don't be so cynical, we Singaporeans wouldn't try to free ride on existing achievements - "This booklet is supposed to instil confidence in the people as to what they need to do to tackle the present economic challenges."

Kind of like David Brazil's book, some might say, which also documents what people under severe economic hardship have to do to make ends meet.

But of course, Mr. Cheng was quick to point out that that economic situation has absolutely nothing to do with this economic situation, nothing whatsoever, nope, etc.

The booklet also states the need for a 'new social compact' between the gahmen and the people.

"Yes, it's a good time for the government to give us a new compact," said Mr. Boey Seng Chia. "Especially when COE prices are now dropping."

"Oh good," said Mr. Mohd. Membeli bin Kereta. "I hope this new compact is the Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder, or maybe Subaru's Impreza WRX."

Johor To Proceed With Own Theme Park
by Ayam Panggang

In the wake of denials by Universal Studios that they were close to any agreement with Johor to set up a theme park, the Johor state government has announced that they will be proceeding with a theme park of their own, with uniquely Johorean characteristics.

To be done in association with the beleaguered Renong Berhad, which was supposed to be the project developer of the Universal Studios park, the Johor theme park will be named 'Baruworld', and will feature rides such as:

	Tioman Jellyfish Scubaterror - an underwater thrill-ride that will bring riders up close with the poisonous stings of local Tioman jellyfish.
	The Segamat Durians of Doom - sit in a rollercoaster as huge D24 durians whizz past you, threatening to take your head off with their spikes.
	The Pontianaks of Pontian - a terrifying, frangipani-scented ghost ride through an eerie pineapple plantation.

There will also be an educational pavilion, featuring exhibitions like "Bangsat! We Kena Cheated, Sial!", about the loss of Singapore to the British.

Said Baruworld spokesman Mr. Abdul Miki bin Mahus, "The park will also give people a real taste of all Johor has to offer."

For example, the park will be patterned on downtown Johor Baru.

"But it's not some prettified version," said Mr. Abdul Miki. "It'll give our visitors the authentic JB experience."

For example, all guests will be required to fill in a white card which they must procure only from some obscure corner of the entrance.

Also, while there are 20 entry booths, only 4 will be on duty at any given time, and will be staffed by genuine grouchy locals. Selected guests will also be lucky enough to undergo the uniquely Johorean 'full body cavity search'.

The souvenir stalls will be manned by genuine stallholders from Holiday Plaza, where visitors can look forward to purchasing colourful local products such as illegal porno VCDs.

Singapore is said to be concerned about the potential competition.

Said Singapore Tourism Board spokesman Khee Chiak Hong, "We are very concerned that Baruworld will divert precious tourist dollars from Singapore. So we are going to impose a three quarter wallet rule on all persons entering Johor from Singapore, by removing three quarters of the cash."

MOH Officers To Personally Handle Breast Screening
by Pak Cham Kai

Health Minister Lim Hng Kian raised the hackles of many women last week when he declined to extend Medisave funds to subsidise breast cancer screenings at an earlier age, instead exhorting women to "Save on one hairdo and use the money for breast screening". However, the Ministry of Health has become aware that the statement might be perceived as insensitive, and has offered to make amends by taking breast screening into their own hands.

The furore erupted during parliament last week when MP Dr. Lily Neo urged the MOH to allow Medisave funds to be used by people for annual health screenings, especially breast cancer. Dr. Neo argued that this would help women detect cancer earlier, and would be a better allocation of resources than freeing Medisave funds only when they are in the later and more lethal stage of the disease.

However, the Minister declined, stating that there was no conclusive proof that mass health checkups helped to detect problems, and that many health screenings are not cost effective.

MOH official Sheng Ping Leow confirmed the Minister's statement, saying, "Mass health checkups are too inconclusive. Right now, the most cost effective way to ascertain whether a health problem exists is the death of the victim. Once he dies, we know he's got it, and we didn't have to spend a cent to ascertain this. Cheap and good."

The Minister also told Dr. Neo that breast cancer screening was already subsidised.

However, Dr. Neo persisted by pointing out that subsidised mammographies at polyclinics is applicable only to women aged 50 years and above, but half of those who die from breast cancer are below 50.

The Minister's response was that while he sympathised, his advice was to "Save on one hairdo and use the money for breast screening."

The flippancy of the remark to such a grave issue reverberated amongst the local women's community.

"It was very insensitive to me on two fronts," said Miss Kah Tao Mor, 47. "Because I'm a woman, and because I'm also a hair dresser. If he's telling people to cut down on hairdos, how will I be able to make enough money to support my treatment in the event I have breast cancer?"

The MOH has since issued a statement of regret, saying that no offence was intended, and to make amends, MOH officers would be personally conducting breast screenings for all women below the age of 50.

"The Minister feels like a right boob for his gaffe," said MOH's Mr. Sheng. "It's only right that we make up for it by feeling their right boobs too."

The MOH will shortly be announcing schedules for women to come into their local hospitals to have their breasts examined by MOH officials.

"It's a touchy subject," said Mr. Sheng. "But we feel that we'll soon have it within our grasp."