Phoney Discovery (contributed by Fred Chong)

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of  copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their  ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug  200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces  of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had  advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Singapore press reported the following: "After digging as deep  as 500m, Singapore scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded  that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

Space Cadets (contributed by Ecumr)

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space. 3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese. 

Dr. M  interviews the Indian guy first:  "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you
should be paid for it?"

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."

"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.

"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu. 

"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."

So the Malay guy walks up, and is asked the same question.

"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.

"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"

"You see, Datuk," explained the Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children... so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."

"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"

Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."

Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"

Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers "One million you keep,  one million I keep, and then one more million we send the aneh into space."

Drive You Crazy (contributed by changyh)

One day, Mahathir rings up SM Lee to ask if Singapore can take some Proton Sagas as they had a spell of overproduction. 

" No problems," replied SM Lee, in the spirit of reciprocity. " But before sending them over, could you paint them nipple pink?"

" Why that colour?" enquired Mahathir. 

"Because with the COE, we have to find suckers to buy them, replied SM Lee.

Do we have to spell it out for you? (contributed by Jiaho Cheo)

Once upon a time, the Singapore media industry was free to report just about anything. That is why they
were called RTS, as the reporters were free to Roam The Street and Report True Stories.

However, under the leadership of Mr. LEE (Loves Editing Everything), RTS became SBC (Script By Censorship). Soon, most of the reporters quit while those who stayed behind had to work under Si Bay Chum conditions.

Since these reporters could not roam the streets or report true stories, they had to fabricate Si Beh
Choon ('choon' is Cantonese for 'stupid') stories that nobody wants to know. 

Only the students from NUS (Nothing Up Stair) thought the reports were Si Beh Cheem.

Then SBC started to employ these students as reporters. As there was nothing that could be freely reported, SBC changed its name to TCS (Totally Censored Station) and become a Talk Cock Station only. 

Hopefully, TCS will not change its name again to NCS (No Choice Station).

It's All in the Name (contributed by Swee Tong, Andy Pang and Conan Lee)

During an official visit to Thailand, DPM Tony Tan, DPM BG Lee Hsien  Loong, Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng  and opposition MP Chiam See Tong went to visit the notorious red light  district Patpong. 

Soon enough, a pretty prostitute beckoned to the  three  politicians. As they all moved towards her, BG Lee halted them.

He told Tony Tan, "Tony, tan." ("Tan" in Hokkien is "wait".)

He then told Chiam See Tong, "Chiam see tong." (Hokkien for  "temporarily  hold on".)

Next, BG Lee pointed to Wong Kan Seng, and said, "Wong, Kan Seng." (Hokkien for "Wong, screw first.")

However, Wong Kan Seng, being a polite man, replied, "Lee, hsien loong." ("Hsien loong" sounds  like  Hokkien for "bang first".)

What does S.R. NATHAN stand for?

Sinda Requests Non-Alcoholic Thambi Hero After Nair

The real reason why Anwar was kicked out. (by Cheongster)

One day, SM Lee and Mahathir were drinking tea at a coffee shop when Dr. M asked SM Lee, “ Eh, Ah Lee ah, There’s one question that’s been bugging me for a long time now, I hope you can answer me – How come all this while, your plans for Singapore always run so smoothly?” 

With that SM Lee grinned widely and replied, “ You know why or not, Mat? Because I have many smart ministers working for me. You don’t believe I show you.” 

SM Lee then turned back and waved to one of the guys on the opposite table, “ Eh, Tony Tan come over here!” 

In a flash Tony came over. SM Lee asked, “ Tony, I ask you, who’s your father’s son?” In a split second, almost barely without thinking, Tony Tan answered, “ Sir, it's me.” 

And with that reply, SM Lee turned back to Mahathir grinning even more widely and said, “See?” Mahathir just stroked his chin and nodded thoughtfully. 

After they parted, this issue continued to weigh heavily on Mahathir’s mind. He was thinking, “ Shit, I can’t lose out to Ah Lee! I must test my men too.” 

The next day, he summoned his (then) right-hand man, Anwar to his office. Mahathir asked him seriously, “Yes, answer me this question, who is your father’s son?” 

Anwar was taken aback by the question, and for a minute or so, he just stood there with sweat rolling down his forehead. He did not know the answer. 

After what seemed like an eternity to him, Anwar finally offered the standard political answer, “ Boss, this is a complex question which requires me to conduct a research study and draw out a preliminary paper. I need 3 days to give you an answer, is it ok with you?” 

Mathathir agreed, thinking that as long as he could give the correct answer, 3 days should be acceptable. 

Anwar rushed back home and called all his kakis but no one could give him an answer. Finally, he called Bill Clinton, “Bill, I am in deep shit. You have to help me, man! Who is my father’s son?” 

Bill, who at that point in time was busy with another intern in his special windowless office in the White House discussing “politics”, was impatient and frustrated. He replied, “Anwar, I am busy f**king now, errr, no no…I mean I am f**king busy now, call me later.” 

But Anwar persisted and didn’t want to hang up till he got the answer. “Who’s my father’s son? Bill, please tell me!” 

Finally out of frustration, Bill replied, “ It's me, lah!”, and slammed down the phone. 

Anwar now grinningly went back to see Dr. M. “ Boss, after 2 sleepless night of endless research and proposal writing, I have finally come up with the answer to your thought-provoking question. The answer to the question ' who is my father’s son' is Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is my father’s son.” 

With that, Mahathir let out a deep sigh and shook his head with much disappointment and replied, “ That’s why we are always one step behind Singapore! Anwar, you are not smart enough – the correct answer is Tony Tan!” 

Bon Appetwit (Allegedly)

Minister Wong Kan Seng, when he was holding the Foreign Minister's portfolio, was widely alleged to have committed this gaffe.  At a sit-down dinner party, Mr. Wong was seated next to a European diplomat he had never met before.  As the first course was served, the diplomat wished Mr. Wong a cheery "Bon Appetit!"  Minister Wong is reputed to have smiled and replied, "Wong Kan Seng!"

Hot Harry

Our beloved Senior Minister died and went to the afterlife. St. Peter said, "Well, we can't let you into Heaven straight away as you've done some stuff that's a little questionable.  So you're going to have to spend a bit of time in Hell first before ascending."

And so our Senior Minister was sent to Hell.  After a few months, Satan phones God up: "Eh, can you faster take him up or not?  A short while down here and he's already managed to get an air-con installed!"

Talking Cock Only

Why did the Singaporean chicken cross the road?

What They Really Stand For... Sometimes

Just expressing my... what's that again?

A Russian, an Ethiopian and a Singaporean were being surveyed by the World Bank.  The question was "What is your opinion on how much money you spend on food?"

The Ethiopian asked, "What is food?"

The Russian asked, "What is money?"
The Singaporean asked, "What is an opinion?"

Former President Devan Nair jokes

Leaf the poor man alone!
When Devan Nair became president, they replaced the crockery and silverware in the Istana with banana leaves... because they went k-ling, k-ling.

Argh! (contributed by Conan Lee)
Mrs Nair was in an SQ flight when she asked for a copy of 'Vog-ew'  magazine.
Air stewardess: You mean 'Vogue' magazine?
Mrs Nair: OK, whatever, I won't arg with you.
Air Stewardess: Madam, do you mean you won't argue with me ?
Mrs. Nair: Yah lah, yah lah, smart aleck! Hold your tongew !!!

Special Delivery
One day at the Istana, Mr Devan Nair's son  wanted to borrow the Presidential Rolls for a night out on the town. So Devan reluctantly agreed, saying that it should be back by midnight.

Midnight came and went and still no car. 2 am and still no car. So Devan hops on his son's motorcycle and goes out in search of his son and the car. He goes all over town but can't find it. 

Finally, at 6am he gives up and comes putt-putting back to the Istana. The guard looks at him and says, "Eh, Thambi, how come today no Straits Times?"

I asked for a hot toddy, but this is ridiculous (contributed by Lindsay Tan)
Do you know why Singaporeans dial 995 in the event of fire? Well, this dates back to when Devan Nair was still President.  One day, he was sitting alone in his study at the Istana drinking his tea, when a huge commotion breaks out in the kitchen.  

He hears a scream and sees his wife running out of the kitchen amidst licking flames and billowing smoke. She looks hysterically at Devan Nair and shouts, "Nair, Nair, Fire!"

What does D.E.V.A.N stand for? (contributed by Swee Tong)
Don't ever vote another Nair.

How about N.A.I.R.? (contributed by Swee Tong)
No alcohol, I resign.

What to call the hall? (contributed by Swee Tong)

As with Sheares Hall and Yusof Hall, NUS has just named one of its halls after former president Devan Nair.
It's called Alco Hall.

If the suit fits...

Our beloved Senior Minister returned from a private visit to India with a small bolt of silk of extraordinary design.

He consulted his tailor immediately, who assured him there was just enough fabric to fashion a suit that would fit him perfectly. Ecstatic, he dashed off to an official meeting in Hong Kong with Chief Executive Tung Chee-hwa, bringing the silk with him. 

Following the meeting, he couldn't resist sharing his excitement with Tung, and asked if he could see his tailor for a second opinion. 

Tung's tailor was flabbergasted at the beauty of the silk, took SM Lee's measurements, and told him he could easily make him a suit and an extra pair of trousers. 

Although SM Lee was perplexed, he said nothing because he was already late for a flight to Washington, where he was scheduled to see US President Bill Clinton. 

Following the meeting, he asked to see Clinton's tailor, who took his measurements, and confidently told him he could make two suits and an extra pair of trousers from the bolt of Indian silk. 

"What is it about your tailors," Lee later asked the American president, "that makes them so much better than tailors in Singapore and Hong Kong? Mine said he could make me a suit out of this bolt of silk. Tung's tailor said he could make me a suit and an extra pair of trousers. Your tailor, Mr President, can make me two suits and an extra pair of trousers. Is it your technology? Your superior productivity?"

"Certainly not, Senior Minister," replied Clinton. "It's simply that the further away you are from Singapore, the smaller you become." 

Chew on this! 

One day, our beloved Senior Minister went to Thailand and had lobster for dinner with the Thai King. After SM had finished, he asked the King.... 

SM: Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster shell? 
King : We cannot do anything with it, we just throw it away. 
SM: Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce prawn crackers. 

Then SM had an orange. After he had finished, he asked the King. 
SM: What can you do with the orange skin? 
King : We cannot do anything. We just throw it away. 
SM: Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce orange jam. 

Then SM asked for some chewing gum. After he had finished, he put it on the plate and asked the King. 
SM: What can you do with the chewing gum? 
King: Oh, no. We just throw it away.
SM: In Singapore, we send it to the factory to produce condoms and then send it to Thailand. 

SM was about to leave but then the King asked him... 
King: What do you do with the condom when you finish using it? 
SM: We cannot do anything. We just throw it away. 
King: In Thailand, when we finish using the condom, we send it to the factory to produce chewing gum and then send it back to Singapore!!! 

And that is the reason why chewing gum is banned in Singapore.

Please, show some... what is that thing called again?

An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues, a man and a woman by the altar. 

He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures that the universal balance was maintained. 

"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin." 

"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.

"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew." 

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