Sports 1

Singa-Cup Quarter Final:
The Smell of Victory?

GORBLOK UNITED 2
Scorers:
Ennihowkik Alsokanskor (64)
Laidatshur Goncase (22)

BOON LAY BOMBERS 1
Scorers:
Bjorn Biliffsensensensen (53)

The crowd at Bukit Gorblok Stadium last night roared as Paraguayan striker Laidatshur Goncase broke his six-game dry spell by scoring a last-minute goal to bring Gorblok United to victory. However, it was a bittersweet victory for Goncase.

Seconds after his stunning shot, his team-mate Tidakmandi Banyakbusok ran out and gave him a big hug.

And knocked Goncase out with his famous body odour.

Goncase was stretchered out and taken to Alexandria Hospital. His wife is also being treated for shock.

Banyakbusok, a soccer prodigy from Borobodoh in Indonesia, has been the subject of controversy ever since he revealed that he does not shower the entire two weeks before a big game.

Apparently, a bomoh in his kampung had told him that to do so would cleanse him of his skills.

While his coach Baey Tah Han has tried to persuade Banyakbusok that this is mere superstition, his attempts have been half-hearted. Said Baey, "Tidakmandi has been an excellent player. We still talk about his super hat-trick against the Toa Payoh Torpedoes. I don't want to undermine his confidence."

On the other hand, coach Baey admits that if he doesn't resolve the situation, team morale could be affected, something he cannot risk now that the finals are in sight.

"It's like stale durian mixed with kerosene," said team-mate Zainal Alauddin.

"That's gross exaggeration," disagreed Gorblok United goalie Samuel Kanagaratnam. "It's more like a wet dog who's rolled around in a pile of cow dung."

"We shouldn't blame Tidakmandi alone," said local sports commentator Matt Salleh. "It's this whole tradition of footballers hugging each other. It's so, like, gay."

Banyakbusok himself is said to be traumatized by the incident. He had no comments save that he would be sending a huge bouquet of fragrant flowers to the Goncases.

Doctors are cautiously optimistic about Goncase. "A week of intensive aromatherapy is being prescribed," said team physician Dr. Quek Siew Ngap. "We're also going to put him on a high-wasabi diet to pump out his sinuses."

Goncase is likely to miss the Pacific Cup friendly against the Tsimshatsui Tossers next week, but he is expected to be well enough to play against the Jurong Juggernauts in the Singa Cup Semi-Finals.

Carrying On A Rich Sporting Tradition

One area in which Singapore has yet to be first in the world in is in sports.

Fortunately for us, organizations such as Citichase Bank, through the continual sponsorship of events like the Citichase Country Club Championship shows us that Singapore sportsmen only need one thing to achieve greatness: money.

The CCC Championship (now in its fourth year) is an elite sports event, limited to the members of exclusive and expensive country clubs, and involves a variety of different sporting activities.

Although this year's Championship opened under a cloud of controversy when one of our reporters wrote about possible corruption amongst the organizers, these wholly unsupported accusations were quickly dispelled when Citichase coincidentally acquired a controlling interest in our parent company.

The Championship got off to a flying start with the Aerobatics Event, which involves being able to take a small aircraft through a series of gruelling manoeuvres.

The event was won by 17 year-old Goh Chang Ee. Despite his young age, this is Chang Ee's third victory in this event, no doubt due to his much-admired technique of hiring a former USAF F-16 pilot to fly the plane, while he lounges in first class behind.

Meanwhile, in the jet-ski event, Ms Aileem Chwee took the gold when judges decided she had spent $300,000 on her jet-ski.

The silver was awarded to Mr. Lim Oh Shen who, although coming in first, only spent $150,000 on his machine.

Although Mr. Lim protested the judges' decision, the video playback of the exact moment when Ms Chwee and Mr. Lim paid for their jet-skis revealed that Ms Chwee had indeed written the number "3" in front of five "0's" when she issued her cheque. The trained eyes of the judges were proven right.

"I think we're seeing a dazzling display of new talent this year," said Mr. Chow Yap Pee of the Pan-Island Country Club. "For instance, in tennis, we saw the dazzling debut of the Wee-Liam sisters, Penus and Sillina, who caused a major upset by wearing Gucci sportswear. The rest of the Nike-wearing contestants simply could not match their prowess."

"We owe a lot to our coach, Macy Bloomingdale," said Penus Wee-Liam, the eldest daughter of Datuk Liam Tee Tee of Liam Rubber Sdn. Bhd. and Mrs. Wee Yum Cha, owner of the Hong Kong-based Yumcha chain of dim sum restaurants.

Sillina agreed, "Coach Bloomingdale was a former buyer for Henri Bendel's in New York, and she taught me a lot, down to little things like, it's OK to use Kate Spade bags to hold your balls as long as you have a Prada bag for your mineral water. But ultimately, we owe everything to the support of our father and mother."

The golfing arena also saw the return of 'Lion' Woo, after a baffling slide two years ago.

"I realized that I had gotten cocky," admitted a beaming Lion. "I was getting careless. Making silly mistakes like investing too heavily in dodgy dotcoms on the NASDAQ. I learned that I had to completely overhaul my entire style of playing. So I took the time to go and study the sporting greats, like Warren Buffett, and now I have a mixed portfolio of tech stocks, bonds and mutual funds. Thanks to that time out, I am king of the golf course again."

"We are really proud that we're seeing fewer mishaps and accidents in this year's competition," commented Ms. Lai Ying Wan, P.R. spokesperson for Citichase. "We don't want a repeat of last year's disaster when one contestant arrived wearing a Giordano t-shirt. This year, tighter rules ensure that a minimum standard of DKNY is adhered to."

"It's been a year of real challenges for the CCC Championship," said Mr. Chin Chuay Looi, chairman of the organizing committee. "We saw off those charges of corruption by acquiring the press, and also managed to quell that misguided attempt to open the games to HDB dwellers, whose real estate investments clearly don't meet our high sporting standards, even if their liquid assets are substantial."

So what lies ahead for the CCC Championship?

"We really have to stop being tempted by short-term alternatives and focus on cultivating our current crop of talent," said Mr. Chin. "I think it is important to ensure that we have a focused five-year plan for our junior development program. This year, we will make sure that we actively recruit talent in the primary schools around districts 9, and 10, paying special attention to Queen Astrid Park, King's Road, and Grange Road. Within five years, the young athletes in the CCC Championship scheme will no doubt put Singapore sports on the NYSE."

Singapore Olympians Take Sydney

The look of gritty determination on Mr. Pak Kao Siow, Singapore's Olympic boxing representative, was unmistakeable.

"I know I can do it. It's all about timing," said our boxing champ, narrowing his eyes and clenching his jaw. "If I leave now, I can take in Taronga Zoo and still come back in time to catch the jet-cat to Manly for dinner."

In another arena in Sydney, Singapore Greco-Roman wrestling representative Mr. Bong Koo Cheow was lost in concentration.

"As any athlete can tell you, it's less about physical power than it is about strategy" intoned Mr. Bong. "Now, should I visit Sydney Tower and take in the sweeping panorama of Sydney's waterways, attractive suburbs, wide open spaces and lush gardens, or should I go to Bondi Beach to cool off in the crystal-clear surf and enjoy a colorful selection of beach-side cafes?"

Mr. Kee Chia Hong, a Singaporean in Sydney to support our athletes, was thrilled. "Our athletes have clearly demonstrated their skills at this Olympic Games."

Pointing to a brochure from the Visit New South Wales Bureau, Mr. Kee chuckled, "For example, Mohammad Masuk Bebas, our diving Olympian, showed great acuity in targeting locations offering free admission, thus ensuring that he got great value for money."

"On the other hand," said Mr. Kee, tracing a route on the map leading out of Sydney, "the Olympian spirit of adventure was exemplified by Chay Tong Kang, our canoeing Olympian. He chose to visit Sydney Harbour National Park, where he did some bushwalking and explored Pinchgut Island and the historic Quarantine Station."

Mr. Kee beamed with pride as he said, "There are those amongst us who are obsessed with winning medals, but really, that's not the real goal of the Olympics. It's about challenging oneself, and our boys and girls certainly are doing that. For instance, our equestrian representative, Buay Baey Pioh, somehow managed to squeeze all of Darling Harbour, including the Sydney Aquarium, the Chinese Garden, the Powerhouse Museum, and the Australian National Maritime Museum, all in one afternoon."

"Our Olympians have definitely taken Sydney," said Singapore Olympic spokesperson Sue Leow. "Every tourist attraction in town, you're bound to find a Singapore athlete doing some sight-seeing and maybe a little shopping."

"So what if we're not winning any medals?" smiled Ms. Leow. "The crucial thing is that the Olympic Games enable our champs to learn important things. Such as that the Yiribana Gallery in the Art Gallery of New South Wales houses the most comprehensive selection of Aboriginal work on permanent display in Australia."

Controversy Over Lax Dope Testing in School Athletics Meets

As the spotlight shines on the issue in the Olympics, a small furore is also building in Singapore over lax dope testing - in inter-school athletics events.

"This is intolerable," said Mr. Kah Kin Chow, spokesperson for the Extra-Curricular Activities Commission at a press conference yesterday. "I never thought that some schools would be so obsessed with sporting achievements that they would stoop to this: the flagrant use of dopes in school sports."

Waving his report angrily in the air, Mr. Kah thundered into his microphone. "After intensive investigation, we have concluded that an unacceptable number of school athletes are complete and utter dopes. Some are even dolts, while others may even be morons."

"There were at least two school runners from Bukit Gorblok Secondary who told our investigators that they thought three plus four was thirty-four!" continued Mr. Kah. "And three shot-putters from Stamford Institution told us that the word "handicapped" meant to always have your hat with you! And let's not even talk about the hurdler from Chin Chai Secondary who thought he had to run under the hurdles."

The principals of these schools, in addition to a score of others, are currently being held for questioning. Many students and teachers have also come forth to tell their stories, under guarantees of anonymity by the ECAC.

Said one teacher, "I was always suspicious about our school swim team - at first I thought their broad shoulders were due to intensive training. Now I realize that it's due to constant shrugging whenever people ask them any question."

However, one teacher said it may not be entirely the schools' fault. "The fact is, the definitions of what is and what isn't a dope haven't been made very clear under existing Ministry guidelines. Different schools have different standards. Someone who is a dope at Stamford Institution may only be considered vaguely goofy at Hentakaki Bukit Secondary."

Mr. Kah conceded that the lack of clarity may have contributed to some confusion, but said, "Our investigations did not dwell on such ambiguous cases: we focused on very obvious instances where the schools failed to determine that an athlete was a mental defective before unleashing him into the sports arena. This has had tragic consequences in some instances, such as the recent spearing of a P.E. teacher by an utter goondu in an inter-school javelin event."

Singapore Football Team With Chance To Win World Cup

FIFA's recent shock announcement of a World Cup for Transvestites has electrified the local football community.

FAS has been quickly putting a team together in time for the first event, to be held in 2008. It is believed that we have an excellent chance of not only qualifying, but also of winning the event outright.

FAS's chairman Mr.Boh Lau Kwee told reporters, "We in Singapore have a fine tradition of transvestites and it is known that they are all into football. This event will give Singapore a great chance to prove that we are capable of winning a world-class event."

Local transvestite and footballer, Mr/Ms Malu Awab who plays as sweeper, told us that he was very happy to be able to play for his country. "I like football. Especially with big sweaty players, with beefy chests and hairy legs."

Another player, Ms (formerly Mr.) Liak Boh Kew, Singapore's national goalkeeper, recently underwent a sex-change in order to represent Singapore in this event. "I love the feel of the new all-body spandex goalie uniform. It is soft and hugs my contours," she sighed.

Many of the Singapore men's football team were considering undergoing similar surgical treatment in order to qualify.

"This is a great opportunity for us. What is the loss of one's pride and manhood if it means winning a World Cup medal? I mean, think of the stories we can tell our grandchildren... I mean, our friends' grandchildren," said Mr. Kua Ah Chow, who plays as striker for Desker Road United. "Now we have nothing to hide during direct free kicks."

Fans everywhere were overjoyed that Singapore national colours would finally be seen at a World Cup.

"Let's face it, even with Croatians, Bosnians and so on in our National team, we won't have a chance of qualifying for the real World Cup. To be honest, our National Team still plays like women. So if they are patriotic and are willing to give it all up for Singapore, we have a good shot at the Ah Kua's Cup," said Mr. Kah Lang Lor, a typical Singaporean football fan.

Sportscity to Provide World Cup Viewers with Free Kali Pok

In a bid to quell mounting public indignation at their being outbid by Singapore Cable Vision for rights to screen the 2002 World Cup, Sportscity has announced that as compensation, they will be sending all viewers free kali pok - the traditional snack served at the National Stadium during football matches.

"This is to demonstrate to sports fans that we value their loyalty," said TCS spokeswoman Sue Leow. "So even though we're going to be able to screen only a few of the 64 World Cup matches, we're going to make them authentic football experiences."

"And we're starting with kali poks," continued Ms. Leow. "Not curry puffs, mind you, but those greasy savoury pastries which contain mostly potato or dried out sardines, served in an old drink packet - you know, the kind with plastic strings. And sparing no expense, we'll make sure that they won't have very much filling inside either. Exactly like at real football matches."

"Further," said Ms. Leow. "We won't be mailing the kali poks out, or giving them out at a central distribution point. Instead, we're going to send round people to every house to hurl the kali pok packets at them."

"It's a very shrewd marketing move on TCS' part," said local sports journalist Liak Boh Kiew. "Because watching the game is only part of the equation for football fans. A lot of the fun is the atmosphere. The use of the kali pok is, of course, inspired as it taps into a growing well of nostalgia amongst Singaporean football fans. There is anecdotal evidence, for example, that the famed Kallang Roar was not an expression of enthusiasm for the players, but rather a display of anger at the hawkers for selling such meagre kali poks."

Not to be outdone, Singapore Cable Vision has unveiled a rival promotion scheme.

"We at SCV wish to express our appreciation to all football fans who are willing to chut the hefty subscription fee," said SCV spokesperson Mohd. Yahya bin Papahya. "And we too want to make the World Cup viewing experience more authentically Singaporean."

On their end, SCV has hired people to go round to subscribers' homes, sit behind them during the match and yell "Referee kayu!", "Kelong!" and "Balik kampung!" periodically. Subscribers will also be given kacang putih wrapped in tiny newspaper cones.

Footballers Deny Charges of Kelong

"We absolutely deny them," humphed Bukit Gorblok striker Laidatshur Goncase, when confronted with the kelong charges yesterday.

"These kelong charges are bloody ridiculous," agreed midfielder Ennihowkik Alsokanskor. "Considering it's only a lousy rickety wooden fishing hut, perched precariously over the sea, and held up by mere poles."

The Bukit Gorblok United FC team was on a seafood excursion to Kukup when it was confronted by the remarkably high prices charged by the rustic seafood restaurant at which they were dining, Kelong Seafood Paradise Sdn. Bhd.

"$120 for steamed prawns? And $65 for deep fried baby sotong?" cried team mate Tidakmandi Banyakbusok. "This really stinks. I thought Malaysia was supposed to be cheaper! Like this, I might as well go to Newton and order in Japanese."

Goalie Samuel Kanagaratnam nodded in assent, but added, "Well, you must admit that the crabs were very fresh."

"At $45 each, they bloody better be," said centre forward Zainal Alauddin. "Frankly, at $45 each, I jolly well expect them to be pinching me when I reach for them."

"Gorblok United were the ones doing all the pinching tonight," grumbled Mr. Chin Ah Kwee, the proprietor of Kelong Seafood Paradise. "Of their pennies. I thought all these footballers were paid damn well, but looks like even a simple seafood dinner also cannot afford. This is why Singapore will never be able to attract decent footballers."

Gorblok United coach Boey Tah Han expressed dismay at the whole situation.

"Yes, the kelong bill was very high, but I'm disappointed at the team's lack of graciousness at complaining about the price," said coach Boey. "I mean, not say they were actually paying for it. It was all being sponsored by a group of generous businessmen with a sincere financial interest in their sporting activities."

Singapore Back From Training Tour

After a two-week training tour of Australia, Singapore goes into the defence of the Tiger Cup in a week's time, not being among the hot favourites. However the team thought it may actually put the pressure off them instead, a sentiment shared by most players.

The training tour which ended yesterday saw the team play a few friendlies and also allowed Nigerian coach Iwan Utoplayanniware, to develop the versatility of the players.

Said right midfielder, left-back-sometimes-can-play-sweeper, central striker, Chin Chai Tut," I think hor, dat now we not hot favourite, neber mind, but we will go Thailand and whack the daylights out of them. Mai seng siao ah!" as he whacked a beautiful 25m-free-kick which curled past a five-man wall, curled further past the goal-post and curled beyond the outstretched hands of the diving ball boy.

His views were echoed by captain, left-right-central attacking defender, Mani Vesatili, "It will certainly take the pressure off us to deliever. However, to those who write us off, I say "don't pray, pray", I believe we can still win if we want to."

Looks like the team is quietly confident that they can deliver when it counts. Though the tour may have regained the confidence of most of the players, it was also certainly heartening to see the regaining of form of one of the most precious scoring talents that we have in the team right now, Ilik Canotizzit, who said," I have broken my five-year goal drought, watch me in the Tiger Cup," said the I-can-only-play-striker, who went on strike just a few days before the training tour.

Canotizzit, the wayward striker had been branded as a primadonna and threatened to be left out of the team by coach Utoplayanniware, when he had skipped training and came late on a few occasions, blaming everyone from the weather girl in Streats (But she said today got very heavy rain what?), to the little girl who got a fright of her life after standing by a pedestrian crossing as his speeding motorbike wheezed by(I had to send her to hospital what!)