Kids Swear They Learned A Lot From McEnroe
by K.K. Cheow

A group of lucky young tennis players got the chance of a lifetime last week when tennis legend John McEnroe was in town to play in the M1 Motorola Champions tournament.

During that time, McEnroe also coached a special clinic at the Four Seasons Hotel for several select students from some of Singapore's top tennis-playing schools. 

"The clinic only lasted an hour," said Lai Pak Kiew, from Stamford Institution. "But we feel that we learned a great deal from Mr. McEnroe."

"For instance," continued Pak Kiew. "I learned to protest a linesman's call by throwing my racket on the ground."

"Yes," agreed Bollah bte Kuning from Ditanjung Katong Girls School.  "I'm definitely going to incorporate what I've learned today, like slamming my racket into courtside advertising billboards."

"McEnroe was a brilliant teacher," gushed Pak Kao Seow from St. Hatrick's Secondary School. "Especially when it comes to cursing.  What a fucking genius."

"Yes," concurred See Suah Wek, tennis captain of the Stamford Institution team. "He took us through all his most famous moves, like the time he told a French Open referee to 'go fuck your mother', or the time he called a Wimbledon umpire 'the pits of the world'.  And let's not forget the time he called Brad Gilbert, who's now Andre Agassi's coach, 'the fucking worst'."

"I can't fucking wait to try all of this fucking cool stuff at the fucking 'B' Division Schools' National fucking Championships." said See with a grin while gleefully flipping his middle finger.

"Obviously we need to be a little careful," said Mr. Bee Yong Bok, the St. Hatrick's tennis coach, who watched the clinic. "Some things can be only done for Western audiences.  I'm sure the Singapore public won't appreciate being shown the middle finger.  So our kids should be taught to slap their palm vigourously against their fist instead."

When asked whether any of the young Singapore players could one day dominate the international scene, McEnroe endeared himself by riffing on his trademark exclamation: "You can't be fucking serious, you asshole!"

Killer Litter Offenders to be Retrained by Sports Council
by Lau Cheow

In a rare act of compassion, the HDB and the Sports Council have decided to consider retraining killer litter offenders as national athletes in the shot-putt, discus and javelin. 

The Sports Council made the decision as they realised that some of the offenders' best efforts equalled the Singapore National Mark in these competitive events. 

A spokesman said, "A flower pot with an average sized plant is equivalent to the weight of a shot putt. As most of the killer litter offenders can heave this beyond 20m, we believe that there is untapped talent here. And if they can perform so well with beds and doorframes, which exceed Olympic standards, a javelin and discus should be absolutely no problem for them." 

The offenders, who will have their homes repossessed, will instead be given Olympic athlete quarters near the National Stadium, in ground floor units, facing the sea. 

They will be encouraged to practice their sport, as a 30m exclusion zone has been set aside with buoys and markers.

Seminal Plan to develop future Singaporean Olympians revealed
by Lau Cheow

What were Singapore National Olympics Council officials doing in the men's locker rooms at the Sydney Olympics? And what were they up to, carrying little plastic tubes and brown paper bags?

Rumours of the strange happenings were at an all time high last week, and our reporters confronted the leader of the Singapore delegation, Mr. Eugene Ho, for an explanation. What emerged was a stunning affirmation of Singapore's drive and desire to breed future Olympic champions.

The officials, it was disclosed, were part of a scientific experiment sanctioned by our sports bodies and biomedical research institutes. They were equipped with disposable sterile plastic tubes fitted with a air-tight cap, in order to collect DNA samples from Olympic athletes in the changing rooms. The paper bags contained materials to assist in the production of the samples.

Once the sample was collected, it was freeze-frozen and then dispatched back to Singapore by courier, where officials from the Institute of Genetics and Breeding Research would put them in storage for further experiments.

Mr.Ho declined to give details, but added, "Olympic champions were initially reluctant to help, but once we explained our incentives, they were very forthcoming. Indeed one champion was so generous with his output that we ran out of tubes." He insisted that the champions were granted full privacy and anonymity as they took part in the experiment.

Explaining the government's philosophy, Mr. Ho said, "The fact is, we want to produce Olympians for the future. It doesn't make sense just to co-opt or offer citizenships to existing champions. The problem is, let's be honest, once we get them, they are already past their prime! Take our table-tennis medal hope, Jun Hong. Although she put up a great show and we are proud of her, but look -- she was beaten by a much younger star! We must have a pipeline of great athletes for future Olympics. Our aim is to start producing champions in time for the 2016 Olympics and beyond."

Officials targeted only the medal winners in most of the events, and have put together a package of incentives that included an all-expenses paid trip to Singapore. They have a choice of taking Virgin Airlines and enjoying good food or flying Singapore Airlines, where the food wasn't as good, but was compensated by the company of Singapore Girls. In Singapore, they would be put up in the best hotels in Geylang and given a special conducted tour. Customer service reps would be assigned to each champion, and, in order to maintain the physical condition of the athletes, massage therapy sessions were part of the package.

In exchange for this, the athletes would sign a waiver form and submit themselves to a DNA profile and complete medical check-up in order to determine their health status. After this, they were free to leave, although they would be welcome back to Singapore anytime in the future if they wanted to contribute further to our Olympics programme.

Mr.Ho reiterated that the experiment was in line with the government's policy. "It is now apparent that the seeds of Singapore's latest thrust in the life sciences field will eventually bear fruit. A genetic experiment of this nature is definitely in our country's best interests, as our leaders have always said, our only resources are our manpower, and we therefore use the best technology to improve these resources."

A spokesman at the Institute said that although the project was in its seminal stages, it would be important to start producing results soon. A carefully screened list of Singaporean volunteer females would, at some point, be called up for 'tests'.  Details of these procedures will be released soon, however, the Institute is optimistic and  expects initial results from these experiments in about nine months' time.

According to sources, Perec's husband, Mr. Maybank, had allegedly received pointers on how to insult and rough up people from Mr. Lim Tua Tow, an ex-Singaporean Triad Olympics champion.

Mr. Lim, who is now retired, gave us an exclusive interview, following the incident.

In the Triad event, athletes specialise in various skills, such as fluency of insults, staring down an opponent, kicking them to the ground, throwing knives at a target, and finally, the all-important 2 km escape from the police. Mr. Lim won gold in 2 categories in the recently concluded World Triad Olympics at Hong Kah.

"Initially, his big problem was mastering the vocabulary, as Hokkien was not his first language," said Mr.Lim, "However, he was a fast learner, and mastered the aggressive stare very fast, and soon we moved on to the next stage, how to push an opponent away by holding the shoulders, kicking his knees, and slapping them around the head. You must not injure them too much at first because you still want them to stand up so you can punch them some more. If they are lying down you can only kick them." 

The retired Mr.Lim is a legend among aspiring Triad-letes as he pioneered many of the now classic moves in this demanding sport. For example, the 'Ni An Chua, Ai Hong Kan?' stare was developed by Mr.Lim, who regularly scored 9.8 - 10.0 in this category. His 'cha kiak' thunder kick, in the floor exercises, was also lethal, as it often left a festering wound on his opponent's groin.

It was rumoured that the Australian cameraman was now seeking help from a rival sporting organisation, the Mm Tzai See Triad Sports Club on how to handle the problem.

Mr.Lim laughed at this. "Hah, neh'mine, they have to deal with me first. Of course I will protect my disciple first."

SWIMMING FAVOURITE AMONG SINGAPOREANS WATCHING OLYMPICS ON TV

Six out of 10 Singaporeans will be catching the coming
Olympic Games on television, and topping the list among the most watched events is swimming.

These were the findings of a recent survey involving
1,000 Singaporean residents age 15 and above, the first of its kind in Singapore.

The majority of those who said "yes" to the telephone
survey were men, citing the high masturbatory potential of the event compared to all other Olympic events.

"It's like real-life Baywatch," said one respondent, who wished to be anonymous, "All those tight, wet swimming costumes, those lithe bodies in that cold water . . . Oooh, wait, I think I saw an erect nipple."

Gymnastics was cited a close second, chiefly among
those who liked the idea of watching prepubescent girls and boys spreading their legs and swinging around.

"The flexibility in those limbs is si beh shiok," said Chee Koh Pek, another telephone respondent, watching tapes of the events and masturbating furiously, "Wah lan eh, think of the possibilities if they can put their ankles behind their head and . . . Mmmmm."

Mr Chee said he could not afford to go to Sydney to attend the actual games. "But if I can, I know where I'll be!" he said, panting as he watched a 12-year old girl go through her routine while clad in flesh-coloured spandex.

"This is just childish," said Ms Chow Cha Bor, a 30-year-old housewife, "Grown men trying to get a glimpse of flesh. Why don't they grow up and just . . . Oh my god . . ." she paused as she caught sight of the hard, glistening bodies of the Men's US Swim Team in their swimming trunks. "Excuse me," she gasped, running off into the bedroom, from where an electric hum was soon heard.

The survey company, ACJekhoff, said the survey was not only to provide viewership profiles for advertisers but also its way of contributing to society.