Sports 4

Following Singapore-Kuwait Success, FAS to Seed Clouds Before Every Match

In the wake of the World Cup qualifying rounds, the Lions have analysed their game and found what they need to succeed: rain.

"If you look at the two matches: between us and Kuwait, and the one between us and Bahrain," said Football Association of Singapore spokesman Pak Boh Kiew. "The difference in our performance was clear."

"Against Kuwait, our performance was dazzling. Whereas against Bahrain, we were lacklustre," continued Mr. Pak. "And ask the fans what the difference in the matches was, and they'll tell you that in the Kuwait game, it rained like mad."

"Yah, boy," agreed Bukit Gorblok FC supporter Hu Lee Gan. "It was as if the gods went on an all-night pub crawl with all the urinals out of order."

"We believe the fans also knew that somehow, the downpour gave the Lions an advantage," continued Mr. Pak. "That's why during the match against Bahrain, our supporters were throwing mineral water bottles at the Bahrainis. It was simulated rain."

"It's true," said Kallang regular Mohd. Hujan bin Teruk. "Last time, I used to think the Lions were all wet. Now I know that they actually need to be wet to succeed."

Speculation has already risen amongst the Kallang cognoscenti that the fire which damaged part of the National Stadium was deliberate: an attempt to activate the water sprinklers in order to boost the Lions' performance.

With this revelation, the FAS is urging the Singapore Sports Council to support the seeding of clouds before matches.

The Singapore Sports Council has stated that it is considering the matter seriously. However, they have expressed concern about the possible costs of the seeding process, as the operative ingredient, silver iodide, is extremely expensive.

In the meantime, the SSC has mooted the alternative of hiring native American red indians to perform a rain dance before the match.

"This way, we not only get rain, we get cheerleaders," said a SSC spokesman. "Two for the price of one."

"Whatever. As long as it rains," said Mr. Pak. "Otherwise the Lions' winning streak will dry up."

National Stadium Fire Caused by "Sio Bu": SCDF

The Singapore Civil Defence Force has released its preliminary report on the recent fire at the National Stadium which destroyed several media booths.

"The evidence shows that the cause of the blaze," said SCDF spokesman Chow Tah Leow. "Was a provocatively dressed SPG."

The sarong party girl in question, is Miss Chuay Pek Lang, a 25 year old sales executive.

According to Miss Chuay, she had gone to the National Stadium "to recce the place" ahead of the pre-World Cup qualifying matches to be played there that weekend, "so I can plan my strategy on how to score with any ang mors."

She was apparently dressed in a halter top that barely halted where it should have, and in a mini skirt that witnesses described as "gynecological".

The SCDF's post mortem of events indicates that what happened was that Miss Chuay had leaned over to pick up a coin, an incident that was picked up by the security cameras.

Watching this on the screen caused the male guards in the security room to steam so much that the resultant water vapour caused an electrical short circuit. Resulting sparks then ignited some old copies of the incendiary New Paper that were stacked in the corner of the room.

"Miss Chuay was basically just too bleddy sio," said Mr. Chow. "So we've held her in custody while we, uh, observe her very, very closely. We take a very serious view of her effect on people, and will adopt a very hands on approach."

Miss Chuay in the meantime, expressed regret at the inconvenience she had caused for stadium officials.

"But what's worse is that my trip to the stadium was wasted," added Miss Chuay. "Because the matches were all with these funny countries like Bahrain, Kuwait and Kyrgysztan. Next time, the Sports Council should at least call Australia or New Zealand, leh!"

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Soccer Fans Bribed To Attend Mikasa Cup

For years, footballers have taken kickbacks to influence the outcome of matches.

But at the Mikasa Cup, it was the fans who got a cut of the action.

As an incentive to fill the National Stadium, fans will receive red packets filled with $2, $8, $88 or $168. They even stand a chance to acquire a Honda motorcycle, Thomson electrical appliances and air tickets to Bangkok and Ko Samui.

"Solid," gushed fan Mohd. Memberi bin Rasuah. "Even if I get only $2, it's still better than what I normally get betting on the Lions."

According to marketers interviewed by TalkingCock.com, future games may see similar marketing strategies if Mikasa manages to entice enough spectators.

However, others fear that this would have repercussions.

"Southeast Asian football is already plagued by so much bribery and corruption," said Gorblok United waterboy Lim Chway Chwee. "Must we extend this to the audience as well?"

"Even worse," said Geylang Redlighters supporter Abdul Putus bin Harap. "Once people know that the audience are getting paid for their attendance, then the kali pok here will sure to go up in price."

Still, most fans welcomed the move.

"I think bribing the spectators is just sound economics," said fan Suay Lai Kor. "Somehow, attendance must be worth our while. Formerly, when faced with either watching an S-League game or staying in to wash my underwear, the underwear won every time. Now, there is some incentive."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Liverpool Fans In High Spirits Thanks To Tiger Beer

The green light has finally been given to Liverpool FC to play in Singapore.

For a while, it was touch and go for local Reds fans, as S-League sponsor Tiger Beer initially refused to help publicise a team sponsored by rival beer Carlsberg.

However, Tiger relented later.

When asked how local fans were reacting to the news, Mr. Kan Chee Puay, a sports bar manager said, "At first they were pissed off, but now they're back to just being pissed."

"I'm completely intoxicated by the news," agreed Mr. Mohd. Minum bin Mabuk, a longtime Reds supporter. "Tiger has shown great sportsmanship! Give those men a Carlsberg!"

However, non-sports fans sounded a note of caution.

"Great, an English football team and their fans descending on a small island, backed up by two beer companies with their marketing guns out," said Mr. Kah Kin Siam. "The streets will run red, and it won't be because of the Liverpool jerseys. The only happy people will be the SPGs."

As for who was responsible for giving the go ahead for the Liverpool visit, TalkingCock.com was told that Malayan Breweries' Junior Marketing Executive Manager Mr. Lim Chuay Chew was the one who contacted Carlsberg yesterday.

However, when contacted by TalkingCock.com to discuss this exercise of magnanimity on behalf of his company, Mr. Lim would only say, "I did WHAT?! Wah lan eh, but I only drank three cans!" before hanging up in a panic.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.
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New Lion's Tamer - a New Breath of Life

Singapore soccer team’s new national coach Jan Poulsen, proved to be a new breath of life for the team with his refreshing style of coaching in his first two weeks in charge.

The Dane’s relaxed, yet strict-when-necessary style seemed to have struck a chord with the lions, most of whom are still smarting from the painful Tiger Cup debacle.

When a player was late for training, Poulsen said, “OK from now on, anyone late for training will be fined $10, and we will consolidate the money and place bets with ‘Score!’ in the next S-league season, so that your clubs will have more money to pay you.”

This remark immediately left the players rolling with laughter, while his next apparently had one very amused player laughing so hard that he had stomach cramps and could not continue with the training.

“However, we will give the money to independent soccer pundits to place the bets based on their own predictions. We surely wouldn’t need any more, ………what’s that word, oh “kelong”, right?”

Poulsen’s very friendly demeanour was a stark contrast to the former coach Iwan Utoplayanniware, who himself, is now playing a new role as senior staff coach.

Said a player who begged not to be named, “He (Poulsen) reminded me of Douglas Moore (the M-league and Malaysia Cup-winning coach of 1994), you know, always encouraging and very approachable, not like Utoplayanniware, who almost dropped me when I asked him for a No. 88 jersey instead of my usual No. 74, you know lah, hah, superstition lah. Ooooopss, did I say too much?”

Over the training sessions, Poulsen went through the paces with his charges, right from warm-up to warm-down, drilling them with short, one-touch play, with a lot of focus on passing the ball.

“I want my team to play intricate, passing football. Instead of running around, working very physically, a lot of emphasis will be making the ball do the work for you, in short, ball-work. Didn’t somebody used to say that ‘It takes balls to play?’ ”

Indeed it would be interesting to see whether the lions really have the balls to play good, attractive football.

Poulsen was also never too perturbed when the authorities Forgot About Support. There were no physiotherapists to cover the players, and no support to help move the goalposts or pick up stray balls.

To which the cool Dane defended his employees with the following reasons. “The SSC (Singapore Sports Council) clinic is just nearby, I don’t really think that it is necessary to have a physio around.”

“And regarding the stray balls, well, this will definitely improve on their (the players) ball-control. For now, they’ll certainly have to keep the ball in play more often than not, or else they’ll have to pick them up.”

But while Talkingcock.com reporters were leaving the training ground, they were left with nothing but respect for this technical director turned national coach, psychologist, stand-in physio and sometimes-when-necessary ball-picker.

We spotted a tall, lean figure wielding a broom, and sweeping away at the dead leaves on the field, and as we approached him, we realised it’s none other than Jan Poulsen himself!

His surprise reply came, “Oh, I’m trying out a new sweeper system!”

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Where In The World is Latiff Khamarudin?
S-League Launches New Game

In the wake of Singapore Pools cutting its grant to the Football Association of Singapore last week, many clubs were forced to re-evaluate their finances.

In an effort to avoid slashing players' salaries, the S-League has decided to look to merchandising to address the loss of income.

By selling a new computer game: "Where In The World is Latiff Khamarudin?"

Similar to the popular detective game, "Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego?", players will adopt the persona of a news reporter who has to find out where the Singapore striker has vanished to.

The only clues you have is that Latiff had told people, including his fellow Lions, that he was leaving Singapore to go to "Holland", and that many were led to believe that this meant he was off to participate in trials with Dutch First Division side Roda JC Kerkrade. However, Roda said they had never heard of him, nor were they conducting trials when Latiff left. Further, there are rumours that he is playing for peanuts in an Indonesian team, P.S. Bodoh.

The multimedia CD-ROM game will expand players' knowledge of football venues round the world, from famous ones like Old Trafford to obscure ones like Tofig Bahramov National Stadium in Azerbaijan.

The game is also populated with many colourful characters, loosely based on popular soccer figures. Like Yann Poultry, the beleaguered coach/nanny of the Singapore Lions, or Sven-Goran Motorola, the former Lazio and now England chief, or Inter-Milan ace striker McDonaldo.

Players will also face a range of challenges, from English soccer hooligans and international bookmaking rings to inedible kali pok.

Other features include a soccer fan's lexicon, including the full lyrics to popular stadium songs like "Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé" and "L-I-V-E-R-P-Double O-L, Liverpool FC".

"We see the game as reviving flagging interest in the S-League," said S-League spokesperson Tua Boo Kee. "As it is, punters are betting that Latiff will be found in 'Horlan', rather than 'Holland'."

"And the best part of having an S-League computer game," beamed Mr. Tua. "Is that there's actually a chance that the Lions could win something!"

But I Use A Lighter, One:
S-League Footballer Denies Match Fixing

Gorblok United's Bavarian striker Lood Fanniestype was confronted last week by accusations of match-fixing - when someone reported that he had been seen trying to superglue two pieces of a matchstick together.

"The charges are ridiculous," said Fanniestype. "Why would anybody try to fix a match? The bloody things are so cheap! And besides, I use a lighter when I smoke. Why would I even touch a match?"

The Football Association of Singapore is nevertheless taking the allegations extremely seriously.

"We don't want to speculate at this stage," said FAS spokeswoman Annie How-Guess. "But maybe Lood forgot to take his Zippo with him that day, and then he went to a bar, and then tried to pok some SPG by offering her a light, but then he found that alamak! Don't have lighter! So he asked for a matchbox, and the alamak! The matches kept breaking, man! But he really, really wanted to pok her, but got no more match, no lighter, so he tried to stick one of the broken matches together."

"We don't want to fan the flames caused by talk of all these igniting matches," agreed Chia Hoong Kee, an investigator with the Corrupt Practices Investigation Bureau. "It causes unnecessary friction."

The S-League has been plagued lately by a series of high profile match-fixing scandals, such as the case of Lood's colleague Murky Churij, who pleaded guilty last week to scotch taping one piece of a match to another.

"It's this kind of behaviour that tarnishes the S-League," said S-League CEO Chris Chan. "Which is why they all should undergo the Chinese water torture treatment." (See article below)

S-League Players To Submit to Chinese Water Torture

The Football Association of Singapore is moving further ahead with plans to stamp out match-fixing.

First, it announced last week that it would require players to sign a code of conduct which includes submitting themselves to polygraph (better known as 'lie-detector') tests.

However, as criticism of its efficacy has begun to creep in, the FAS is considering supplementing it with more traditional methods of extracting compliance.

Namely: the fabled Chinese Water Torture.

The torture is administered as follows:

1. The victim is tied down, lying on his back.

2. Water is slowly dripped, drop by drop onto the victim's head.

3. After a while, the droplets feel like boulders crashing onto the victim's head.

4. The victim invariably gives in to the torturer's demands as waiting for the next drop to fall becomes intolerable.

"This is purely a deterrent move," said S-League CEO Chris Chan. "We want all our players to take an extremely serious view of their integrity."

"The authorities will be administering it," Mr. Chan emphasized. "It's not as if the waterboy will suddenly be wearing a hood and dripping water onto the players' heads. At least not at every match."

The reaction of players and coaches were, as expected, mixed.

"I think it's quite a different matter to be made aware of possible prosecution," said Bukit Gorblok United striker Laidatshur Goncase. "But this is totally extreme and bizarre. I thought such tests were not legally admissible?"

"I don't think it's an issue of admissibility in Court," said Boon Lay Bombers' Hattrick Stewart. "I think it's whether the test is effective as a deterrent or not. How about putting bamboo shoots up our fingernails? Or hot iron tongs on our genitalia? Or holding our families hostage over a pool of sharks? They're all faster and more conclusive."

Some players were concerned that victims of the Chinese Water Torture often wind up incurably insane.

"We lose game that time, I oreddy siao liao," said Rangoon Road Rangers goalkeeper Liak Boh Kiew. "Now I must be contractually bound to accept it?"

However, some players were more enthusiastic.

Said Joo Chiat Juggernauts' Ennihow Wek, "I think it's a brilliant move. I absolutely consent to this. But only if it's administered by Catwoman. Woo-woo!"