Sports 5

New Cheers Spark S-League Rows

The introduction of new team cheers were meant to be a more pleasant substitute for the incessant and ad-hoc drumming that characterises local football games. However, it has sparked off huge rows amongst S-League supporters.

When Gorblok United unveiled their team song, "We are the Gorbloks" last week, it severely upset the Sengkang Bongkangs.

According to Sengkang manager Mr. Boh Tong Jong. "We long-long oreddy had our cheer, 'We Are The Bongkangs' and Gorblok United copied us."

Gorblok United coach Baey Tah Han, however, disputed this. "Where got? We didn't copy Sengkang, we copied Queen!"

In the meantime, the Boon Lay Bombers have come under fire for their cheer:

We're Boon Lay Bombers
Don't play-play
We'll bomb you back
To yesterday
Terbaboom!
Terbaboom!
Ter-ba... Boom! Boom!

According to the FAS, numerous complaints have been made on the grounds that the cheer incites violence.

"Football fans are all a bit psycho," said FAS spokesman Sng Kao Seow. "And any little bit could ignite a firestorm."

However, Boon Lay Bombers manager Chee Bah Boo denied the incendiary nature of their cheer, and pointed a finger elsewhere. "How can you say we're bad? Have you heard the Geylang Redlighters' song?"

Sung to an old folk tune, it goes:

Geylang sipaku Geylang
Geylang, let's all rock and roll
When we ma-in bola,
We'll score a goal-a,
Right into your hole!

This cheer allegedly led to two brawls in the stands during the match between Geylang and Homo United yesterday. Further, Homo United striker Kikkit Uppadabum found the lyrics so offensive that he stormed off to pout and hug his "bear-bear".

In the light of more potential fights, the S-League and the FAS are now re-evaluating the cheer policy.

However, the fans are in great support of the cheers.

"Only If fights and riots break out will we truly have arrived as a major soccer nation like England," said Gorblok United supporter Hu Lee Gan.

"That's what we come for," said Serangoon Goondus supporter Mohd. Bodoh bin Dungu, "You think the football here damn exciting, ah?"

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FAS Bans Drums, But Allows Drumming - On Bellies

The Football Association of Singapore has banned drums in stadiums, thus addressing the many complaints about the noise and distraction caused by the incessant drumming of fans during matches. However, it has allowed drumming, if it is restricted to parts of the body.

"Fans can still enjoy the rhythmicity of drumming on their bellies and thighs," said FAS spokesman Boh Lau Kwee, thumping out the famous car-wash beat on his stomach. "See? When done in unison, you still get enough sound and energy, but you don't have the same level of annoyance."

Fans are divided by the decision, though most have said they will give the new measures a chance.

"I think it can be a bit disturbing," said Gorblok United supporter Pah Tor Tiah. "Watching all those undulating bellies. It's quite stomach-churning."

"Anything that gets rid of those irritating drums is fine by me," said Sengkang Bongkangs supporter Wu Guliao. "The FAS deserves a pat on its back. Or stomach, as it were."

"I think it's appropriate," said Marooned Castle FC supporter Er Duolong. "After all, the S-League is famous for going belly up."

To popularise belly drumming, the FAS has asked Malayan Breweries to help out by sponsoring refreshment.

"To get a solid beat, they need solid tummies," said Mr. Boh. "And beer certainly helps in that area."

"I'll say this about the FAS," said Malayan Breweries spokesman Lim Chuay Chiew. "It takes guts to encourage bellies."

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Referee Adjudged To Be Kayu

A local referee has been discovered to be, in reality, a piece of wood.

After a three day trial in the Subordinate Courts, Magistrate Bok Tng Chuay ruled today that Mohd. Pohon bin Pokok was, in fact, made entirely of the tough fibrous covering of a tree.

Deputy Public Prosecutor Poh Lay Kow said that the prosecution's evidence had been air-tight.

"During a match between the Bukit Gorblok Bodohs and the Serangoon Goondus in January, an obvious foul was committed, but Mr. Pohon was witnessed to be standing still at the corner of the field, photosynthesizing."

"Further," added Mr. Poh. "during a match between the Toa Payoh Teteks and the Sengkang Bongkangs, Mr. Pokok not only erroneously issued a red card to Sengkang's striker, but also a bird's nest, several parasitic ferns and a mynah bird."

However, the ace in the prosecution's hole was when it procured the testimony of Mr. Pohon's estranged wife, Madam Pengantin bte Tumbuhan, who told the court that his behaviour was extremely strange during their marriage.

"He used to attract a lot of birds," she said. "Sometimes even got monkeys. Basically, he was a bit of a shady character."

But apparently, their sex life was satisfying.

"One thing about Pohon," she testified. "He had no trouble maintaining a woody."

In mitigation, Mr. Pohon's lawyer said that he had previously been a solid and upstanding member of the community. Mr. Pohon was also a very even-tempered referee. Even in the face of chants by the crowd of "referee kayu", he would remain rooted to the spot.

Mr. Pohon was sentenced to serve two years in the Botanic Gardens.

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Singapore to Host F1 Race
by Kok Sah Ker

Plans are underway for Singapore to host one round of the Formula One World Championship next year. The second most-widely watched sport in the world behind football, Formula One racing would be able to make a stopover here in between the Australian and Malaysian Grands Prix.

“Singapore aims to be a global hub for everything,” said a spokesman from the Economic Development Board. “Why not Formula One? Besides, as the Government is aware, there is important revenue to be collected from car owners, whether they own a Toyota Starlet or a McLaren-Mercedes F1 car.”

“Malaysia took in US$200 (S$349) million for the 1999 Malaysian Grand Prix at Sepang,” said the spokesman. “Our research department estimates that to be a lot of money.”

However, unlike Malaysia, which invested RM286 (S$131) million in building a world-class racing circuit at Sepang which is the envy of the world, Singapore will make use of existing streets to form a circuit. “Who needs a world-class racing track when you have a world-class transport system like ours?” sniffed Mr Boh Oh Tak, a Land Transport Authority spokesman.

He revealed that every effort would be made to ensure that the Singapore Grand Prix is a truly Singaporean event. The proposed race could flag off at Tanglin Road, taking the F1 cars through a scenic course along Orchard Road, Grange Road and back to Tanglin Road to complete the lap.

As expected, there are major planning concerns involved. “The F1 cars will have to be fitted with ERP IUs,” says the LTA’s Mr Boh. “This could be tricky, especially since they don’t have windscreens. Maybe motorcycle IUs would be more appropriate. These can be attached by drilling mounting holes into the cars’ beautiful bodywork, just like we do with motorcycles.

“Furthermore, I understand that a Formula One race traditionally takes place on Sunday afternoon, but there are no ERP charges on Sundays, so they’ll just have to change the race to Saturday. Otherwise, think of the lost potential revenue,” said a worried Mr Boh.

“The race would be about 75 laps. We purposely planned the route to include an ERP gantry, because 22 cars going underneath 75 times equals a lot of money. We want that. And if some of the drivers forget to top up their cashcards in advance, think of the fines we can collect!”

Because the race will be run on public roads, the LTA also expects the teams to bid for COEs. “Unlike Malaysia, we won’t be missing the point of holding an F1 race, which is to collect revenue to build a world-class transport system. Sepang only benefits from tourism dollars, a global audience numbering in the billions and the cash injection into the construction industry when the track was built.”

However, TalkingCock.com understands that there are other potential concerns with holding a race here. “As you know, racing in Singapore illegal,” said Traffic Police Commissioner Mah Tah sternly in a phone interview. “The Traffic Police will not hesitate to issue a summons to any Formula One driver caught exceeding the speed limit here.”

Commissioner Mah also warned against illegal modifications to the cars. “During the race, we may set up road blocks and conduct routine checks for such illegal modifications as noisy exhaust pipes or large spoilers. We are also reviewing the proposed route to study appropriate locations for speed strips in order to slow the cars down in the corners.”

Asked how the Traffic Police officers could possibly hope to catch up to a 350km/h F1 car and order the driver to pull over, Commissioner Mah smugly replied: “That’s what speed cameras are for.”

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Table Tennis Upset:
"I Pinged, When I Should Have Ponged"

This morning, Singapore's (note: not China's) Zhang Bingbang could have woken up as a medalist in the Qatar Table Tennis Open, but she didn't.

Instead, she woke up as Singapore's (note: not China's) Zhang Bingbang: she who pinged when she should have ponged.

"There was certainly a pong in the air", lamented the 17 year-old table-tennis player. "I felt it, but I ignored it. My head was telling me to ping when my heart told me to pong. I listened to my head, and all night, I went, Ping, Ping, Ping, Ping, PING, PING, PING!!! Even pang would have been better than ping."

And so, Singapore's (note: not China's) young hero lost to Croatia's top seed and world No. 7 Tamara Morose, who ponged easily all night.

Said local sports journalist Godforbid Boberts, "Experience has shown that in Table Tennis, the person who begins service is at a slight disadvantage, which is that they have to ping, instead of pong. I mean, the game is called ping pong, and not pong ping, right? And Bingbang kept having to start the ball rolling. It's just bad luck for her."

Despite this defeat, the imprint, "Made in China," continues to represent top-quality, no-nonsense, table tennis acuity in Singapore.

Table-tennis association head, Mr See Sua Pah reminds us that, "Don't forget that Bingbang did beat the world no. 8! The Chinese still dominate world table tennis. After all, nobody ping-pongs like the ching-chongs!"

But Mr. See did note that the Chinese lead is fast being eroded, especially by players from Africa, who are larger and more powerful.

"The ching-chongs are finding it hard to keep up in ping-pong against these king kongs," he mused.

Common wisdom has it that the Chinese players, after moving to Singapore, are usually so pampered by all the good food and democracy that they grow soft.

The table-tennis association intends to re-create the same conditions as China for the new athletes when they arrive, so that their ping-pong prowess will remain intact.

Mr See Sua Pah adds, "After all the good food in Singapore, all they can do is shing-shang-shong when they should also ping-pang-pong. So, being professional athletes, I am certain they will appreciate our efforts at removing the air-conditioner, the phone, and the toilet doors. This may even attract more Chinese players to come."

Nowadays, Singaporean players who are not "Made in China" can no longer be found ping-ponging. Displaced, they drown their sorrows in music.

Many of them now hang out at Deep Throat KTV launge in Geylang, where the favorite song every night is, "Buay Sai Ping Pong So I Sing Song."

Relac One Corner, Lions Are Told

Ahead of their return match against Kuwait for the second leg of the World Cup qualifying rounds, Singapore Lions coach Jan Poultry has told them that they have to "relac one corner".

This was especially so after frayed tempers led to the yellow carding of four Lions during the first leg, in an emotive match against Bahrain.

"We can't afford to have more players sit out the games," said Poultry. "And I'm determined to get my message across to the players to rein in their tempers."

And apparently, this means couching the importance of keeping cool in terms they can fully appreciate.

"So far, I've told them to 'relac one corner' and 'maintain balan'," said Poultry. "I intend to tell them tomorrow that they should also 'jangan tension'."

"We appreciate Jan's efforts," said a FAS spokesman. "But he needs to expand his terms to cover even the non-Malay players. We're teaching him this weekend to say 'steady pom pee pee' and 'ai stayber pah mahber'."

Said Lions goalkeeper Rezal Hassan, "Gerek, sial. King Jame version."