Singapore Sports To Focus Less On Importing, More On Breeding

As more and more expatriate players begin to dominate local sports, the Singapore Sports Council has decided to apply the brakes on importing foreign talent, lest local talent be crowded out in the process. Instead, the SSC will make use of its current foreign resources to breed the next generation of Singapore athletes.

"Let's face it," said SSC spokesman Mr. Wan Thoo Win. "Right now, nearly half the bleddy Thai team is over here playing in our football clubs.  Let's not even get into rugby, or table tennis. If we maintain the importing, the gap between the foreigners and the locals will be too great.  We must nurture our own too."

However, the SSC's strategy does not merely involve switching gears and slowing down the imports.  A long term, synergestic strategy combining the foreigners and locals is being planned.

"What we want is to facilitate cross-pollination of the best elements of both groups," said Mr. Wan.  "At the most basic level, this means we want them to play together. At the more advanced stage, we want them to breed."

Singapore has a proud history of believing eugenics, explained Mr. Wan, and the current push to boost the life sciences industry is expected to spill over into the sports field as well.

The SSC will thus be mounting local initiatives to give foreign talent the initiative to mount locals.

"It only makes sense," said Mr. Wan.  "I mean, look how close Geylang is to the National Stadium.  It's very convenient. And of course, we're even thinking of spouse-swapping schemes."

To ensure that the spouse-swapping scheme is done effectively, fairly and tastefully, SSC officials have decided to test-drive the scheme themselves first.

"No sacrifice is too great for the country," said Mr. Wan, unbuckling his belt. "We need to do it properly, otherwise everyone will want to swap with Fandi at the same time.  Cannot like that."

It is hoped that a whole new generation of sports champions will be the result of the plan.

Some sports enthusiasts, however, were less than thrilled by the announcement.

Said Mr. Ho Lang Kan, a supporter of Gorblok United FC, "There's already a lot of bastardy in sports.  Do we really want to increase that?"

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Lions Should Face More Euro Teams, Say SPGs

Following last week's match-cum-massacre between Singapore and Manchester United, local sarong party girls have been urging the Football Association of Singapore to arrange for more such duels.

Yesterday, the Boat Quay-based Society for Attaining Racially Occidental Native Gentlemen (SARONG) held a press conference calling on the FAS to arrange more games between the national team and European clubs.

"The match was a resounding success, even though the Lions failed," said SARONG chairperson Mrs. Teresa Chan-Pinkerton. "We had a solid turnout, and the Straits Times even went so far as to say that the Kallang Roar returned for the game."

According to SARONG, more matches with European clubs would not only lead to greater exposure for the Lions to European standards of ball-play, but the European footballers would also have corresponding exposure to local SPG standards of ball-play.

"If you thought the match was friendly," said Mrs. Chan-Pinkerton. "You should have seen the post-match party."

Witness accounts report that the party involved plenty of batik-print fabric skirts.

SARONG apparently sent its entire membership base to attend the match, but apparently, not to support the Lions.

"There were many others who were already doing that," said Mrs. Chan-Pinkerton. "We wanted to welcome these distinguished visitors, with the aim of boosting Singapore's tourism."

When pressed for details, Mrs. Chan-Pinkerton said that they conducted a special itinerary for Man. U and their entourage.

"Basically, in the Reds' honour, we constructed a special Red light district," she explained. "And we hope to do the same for other visiting European teams."

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Football Fans Eagerly Await Man U. Mauling of Lions

Singapore football fans are buzzing with excitement about the upcoming defeat of Singapore at the hands of Manchester United next week.

"I'm sure it'll be a brilliant match," said longtime local football supporter Quah Pak Kiew. "So far the Lions have lost to all these kucing kurap teams, so it'll be nice to see them lose to a top notch club for a change."

"That's why," chirped Mr. Quah's colleague and fellow soccer enthusiast Mohd. Hantam bin Bolah. "I'm sure our boys will be so inspired by their defeat.  There's nothing that lifts one's enthusiasm for the game more than being ground to a pulp."

Bookies are already betting heavily on the margin by which the Lions will lose. 

Cabbie Chia Teck See summed up the feelings of most punters, saying, "This is a sure thing.  The only question is how sure."

The Lions have already been training hard for their massacre, by losing to Saudi Arabia 3-0 in a recent match.

Of course, even that round of halal butchering cannot adequately tenderise our team ahead of what is bound to be annihilation at the hands of the Reds', whose team is likely to include midfield star David Beckham, midfielder Roy Keane and new £19m summer signing Ruud Van Nistelrooy..

Lions coach Jan Poultry has also decided to put his best lads forward for the slaughter - including foreign talents (and new permanent residents) Egmar Goncalves, Mirko Grabovac and Daniel Bennett.

"Singapore is very proud of its culinary offerings," said Mr. Poultry. "And we want our distinguished guests to receive only the finest in fodder."

The sponsor of the game, furniture retailer Courts, will also be preparing a set of specially-made coffins for the Lions.  Souvenir replicas will be sold to the public, and available for hire purchase.

Mr. Yew Ai Soo will be taking his 10-year old son Boh Yiah to witness the bloodletting. 

"He always ask me to take him to McDonald's to eat hamburger," said Mr. Yew. "So I told him, wait, wait till we go National Stadium.  Once Man. U are through with Singapore, there'll be more mincemeat on the ground than on a Mickey D's grill."

Boh Yiah smiled at this and giggled, "Next week going, you know."

However, some people have decried this atmosphere of defeatism and resignation.

"Come on! Where's our fighting spirit?  We have to give the Reds a solid run for their money. We can't give up so easily! We must hang in there," said Mr. Koh Chia Yew, who is currently looking for venture capital for his dot-com startup.

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Sports Council to Begin Training Clinics for Parents
by Hen of God

The Singapore Sports Council is announcing new training programmes for parents of prospective athletes in order to build a strong support culture for sports, under the banner of a campaign titled 'Live Your Dreams Through Your Child'.

SSC spokesman made the announcement at the National Stadium yesterday, during a children's on-the-spot star jump competition held to mark the start of the new $500m 5-year plan by the Ministry of Community Development and Sports (MCDS).

According to the latest 5-year plan, the 10th 5-year plan that the SSC has conceived of in the past 10 years, Singapore will become one of Asia's top 10 sporting nations by 2010.

When asked by reporters how it was possible to reach 2010 in the next five years, Mr. Wan answered by coughing dramatically and then saying, "You can see how ambitious and visionary this new plan is."

Moving on swiftly, Mr. Wan explained why the SSC was also involving parents. "Parents are key to Singapore becoming a top sporting nation. Because if you just leave it to kids, they will play sports only for the fun of it, and not to achieve medals."

Mr. Wan continued, “The campaign is really inspired by Richard Williams, the father of Serena and Venus Williams, whose names are now synonymous with tennis.  It dawned upon us that if only Singaporean parents can make their children live their dreams through sports the way Mr. Williams does, then small little Singapore will be quite a sporting force to be reckoned with in the arena of international sports. And we are confident Singaporean parents can do this. After all, they already make their children live their dreams through academics, and look what a success that has been.”

The campaign plans to have mobile vans making their rounds through the various HDB and private estates so that parents can come into the comfortable air-conditioned vans for their training. 

Each clinic will start with a powerpoint presentation where parents will be shown a series of slides representing the different dreams that they can have.  The slides will show beautiful condominium buildings, crisp 100-dollar bills, expensive cars, and many, many servants from third world neighbours.  All this to the tune of Gloria Estefan’s Olympic theme “Reach,” with its affecting lyrics, “If I could reach, higher, just for one moment, touch the sky…”

"Right now, Singapore has succeeded because our citizens are reaching for their goals," explained Mr. Wan. "But they are doing so only during their lifetimes. We want them to reach beyond, into their children's lives as well."

Following the inspirational slide show, parents will then be asked to sign a self-management contract where they promise themselves and each other to do whatever it takes for their children to fulfill the dreams they have chosen. As an incentive, breaches of the contract will bring tax consequences.

Parents are then handed a daily guide book which they will read each morning at the crack of dawn to plan their children’s activities for the day.  For example, a typical day for a 5-year old whose parents want her to be a swimming champion reads:

Mr. Wan was careful to add, “We want Singapore’s children to be well-rounded individuals.  Therefore, while we want our children to excel in sports like Serena and Venus Williams, we also want them to get their distinctions in the exams.  So, there should be no compromise when it comes to sports and studies.”  

The guide book also comes with a set of cautionary warnings such as:

Part of the parents’ training will also include teaching parents how to live healthily with less sleep and how to wean their children off having non-complementary hobbies.

"If we are to become a sporting nation, then sports must simply become part of every family's lifestyle," smiled Mr. Wan. "Like tuition, speech & drama, montessori, and golf club memberships.  I foresee a glowing future when families will be seated round the dinner table bragging about the medals collected by their kids the same way they now brag about PSLE results."

"But we also recognise that it could be a hard road for parents and kids," said Mr. Wan. "So we will help them keep their eyes on the final, glorious goal.  Lawyers will be present at all training clinics to teach them about potential endorsement contracts."

The audience of parents who were present to support their children in star-jumping gave Mr. Wan a standing ovation after he outlined the plans for the campaign.

Said parent Mr. Oon Tong Looi, "I really want my child to succeed at sports, so that he can fulfil his potential as a major product endorser. "

Moved by this overwhelming support from the parents, Mr. Wan lifted up his fist in the air and said with much emotion, “Children of Singapore! Someday you might be standing on the medal podium at Wimbledon, at the Asia Games, at the Olympics, carrying the Singapore flag proudly.  And when you do, you will know that you did it entirely for your parents!"

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Bookies Strongly Support New Sports Masterplan

Singapore bookmakers came out today in strong support of the new $500m sports masterplan proposed by the Ministry of Community Development and Sports (MCDS).

Mr. Tan Chuay Lui, president of the Beneficial Relief & Investment Benevolent Endowment (BRIBE), a charitable sports-supporting organisation, said that his members were extremely enthusiastic about the plan, and Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong's espoused aim of bringing Singapore into the top 10 Asian sporting nations by 2010.

"Like PM Goh, we believe that there is much to be gained from sports promotion in Singapore," beamed Mr. Tan. "In fact, we believe that it is in the hundreds of millions."

"And we also share his views that sports makes us a more rounded and resilient people," he continued, as his colleagues patted their round bellies appreciatively.

For their part, BRIBE will mount a campaign that will complement the sports masterplan.

"This is because a thriving sports industry does not depend only on athletes and matches themselves," explained Mr. Tan. "The spectators are the other equally important half of the equation.  And that's where we come in."

According to Mr. Tan, "Let's face it, spectators, especially Singaporean spectators, don't just go to matches for the love of athleticism, or to see sweaty bodies that are much better developed than their own.  That's not only a bit kinky, but also sick.  Not very healthy. What Singaporeans love, and also excel at, is money.  And that's a major draw in sports, if not the biggest draw. Again, that's where we feel we can contribute."

The elements of BRIBE's complementary campaign include:

"Of course we will also be following the government's lead in using the latest technology," said Mr. Tan. "All our members are extremely adept at wireless and SMS messaging."

"And like the government, we too believe in importing foreign talent," said Mr. Tan. "For example, we have already co-opted two of the region's biggest players into our team - Yeang Tor Cheen of Hong Kong and Mengagak bin Mainbolah of Malaysia.  They are known to be major influences on the way football is played in the region."

"The government is to be congratulated on their foresight," chuckled Mr. Tan. "Their masterplan is going to lead to a big payoff for Singapore."

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SPGs Join In Game Of Wooing Olympic Chief

After it was reported that two Chinese women had proposed marriage to Olympics Chief Jian Antonio Samaranch in order to clinch China's bid to host the 2008 games, several sarong party girls have joined in the fray.

Yesterday, the Boat Quay-based Society for Attaining Racially Occidental Native Gentlemen (SARONG) held a press conference, urging Singapore to contest China's bid and offering their services in support thereof.

Said chairperson Teresa Chan-Pinkerton, "As you know, SARONG is a strong supporter of the government's foreign talent importation policy.  However, we believe it can still be improved."

"Right now, foreign talent comes in only one at a time, negotiated individually by Singapore Immigration," she explained. "How much better it would be if we could import a whole load of the world's best, humpahlang in one shot?"

"Hosting the Olympics would not only boost the economy and the standards of our moribund sports industry," said Ms. Chan-Pinkerton. "But with our help, the nightlife and alcoholic beverage sector will be enhanced too."

Accordingly, SARONG is making its own bid for the widowed Mr. Samaranch's heart.

SARONG believes that Singapore girls are preferable to Chinese women as they are a lot more experienced with tending to foreigners. 

"With our colonial past, we have a strong history of sucking up that we are eager to demonstrate," said Ms. Chan-Pinkerton. "And many of our members are very athletic and are especially adept at the marathon: they can keep going for hours. Even all night."

Mainland Chinese women, having learnt of SARONG's entering into the competition for Mr. Samaranch's hand, have expressed outrage.

"Huh!" said Ms. Zhao Yangren. "If Singapore women want to play like that, we'll have to retaliate.  We're declaring open season on their husbands!"

When contacted, Mr. Samaranch's only response was an enthusiastic punch in the air followed by a rollicking, "Woo-hoo!"

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