Three Days Insemination Leave for Civil Servants
special report by our reporter Coq Au Vin

MARRIED men in the Civil Service can now look forward to up to three days' insemination leave to allow them to father their first three children.

This new initiative by the government was another step towards encouraging Singaporean couples to have more children.

"Our initial respose to the lowering birth rate was, as usual, legislation, but that didn't seem to work very well," government spokesman Pak Chew Cheng of the Working Committee on Marriage and Procreation said at a press conference last evening, "Then we introduced tax incentives, but that wasn't working either. So we studied the problem for 18 months and the answer was obvious - people just weren't doing the horizontal mambo."

"We have to be realistic," Mr Pak continued, "If we don't give our men sufficient humping time with their wives, all the incentives in the world won't help. Some may think that just a quick twenty second wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am just before bedtime will do the trick, but these days women actually want some foreplay before they give out and that can take as long as five minutes."

"Women!" Mr Pak said with a chortle and rolling his eyes. 

The audience, largely men in white shirts in their mid-to-late thirties, laughed along.

After a Powerpoint presentation, the audience was led in a chorus of "Stand Up For Singapore".

The announcement was met with general approval and was seen as a conceptual breakthrough.

"I'm really embarassed we didn't think of it earlier," said Mr. Lam Pah Tua, a human resources director at Singapore Press Holdings, "I mean - duh! - this is si beh obvious. We give our male employees paternity leave, but the government has really opened our eyes to a more effective method."

"I never thought about it that way before," remarked Mr. Dickolas Wee, of the Ministry of Law. "I've never had trouble fitting sex with my wife into my schedule, but I suppose I should take more time to be more romantic about it. I would have thought that the sheer joy of being a baby-producing machine would be enough."

Mr Chin Tua Liap, a civil servant at the Ministry of Manpower, also expressed a favourable view of the new policy. "Honestly, when I get home after a long, twelve hour day, taking out my old lap cheong is the last thing on my mind. Sure, there are holidays, but we spend most of that shopping and sightseeing and complaining about the expensive prices. There's really very little time set aside for a good, solid, full tilt up the belly shag."

"Until now," Mr Chin said, filling in a leave application form with a twinkle in his eye, "Woo hoo!"

The Working Committee is also expected to announce more pro-family measures today, including an accompanying poster campaign tentatively titled "LET'S DO SINGAPORE 2000" with its mascot Spermy, government subsidised 'Dirty Weekends' in Bintan, authorised instructional videos by local celebrities, and souvenir Orchid lingerie.

Nationwide Clampdown on Squatters Begins: Singaporeans tell squatters to sit on it

Singapore, Monday - A primitive custom of an unsophisticated society or a traditional practice which should be preserved?  According to a recent survey, the majority of Singaporeans believe that while squatting might have been a necessary evil when our economy was young, the practice is fast becoming archaic.

This is because toilets with seats are affordable to all. In fact, sitting toilets have become the norm in most homes, department stores and hotels.

"Last time we had no choice," says Khoo Too Long.  "Because all the toilets were squatting-type.  Now no need already."

And in an age of increasing affluence, people are even beginning to move away from standard plastic seats.

"We are receiving an unprecedented number of orders for custom-made toilet seats," said Tua Kah Chng, manager of Rear Admiral Commodes Pte. Ltd. "Lacquered dark red meranti wooden ones are the most popular, with sealed cushioned seats rapidly coming into vogue."

Some older citizens, however, have mixed feelings about the move towards sitting.

"I'm very used to squatting. It's my default position," said Wan Too Khoo, 72.  "I find that if I sit, things don’t come out so easily.  So when I find a sitting toilet, I still squat on the seat."

Many seem to find this practice inconsiderate, if not disgusting.  Said Shelly Seet, 21, "Who wants to go to the toilet and come out with footprints on your behind? It's like being kicked in the butt, except without the pain."

There may even be unforeseen consequences if squatting vanishes.  According to Sergeant Si Peh Siong of Ngee Ann Camp, "Nowadays, when we ask the soldiers to take a break, the Hokkien pengs can squat and relax because they're used to it.  The 'A'-level types always got problems. If next time everyone, even the Hokkien pengs, donno how to squat, then how?  Must we go and indent chairs for them?"

"This is just bourgeois ageist discrimination," said Samuel Lao Ah Pek, 78, chairman of the Singapore Association of Geezers (SAG).  "Why should we be penalized for practicing something that was the norm in our youth?  I am encouraging all members to participate in a mass squat-in protest at City Hall on Monday at 5.30 p.m."

SAG may be fighting an uphill battle.  If the poll is accurate, the tide of public opinion is overwhelmingly in favour of installing sitting toilets throughout the country and making squatting obsolete. Soon, the squatting toilet may just be something our children will see only in the National Museum.

In creating Speakers' Corner at Hong Lim Park, the government has proved that free speech is allowed in Singapore.  Now the only thing they have to do is allow people to be able to hear it.

Hundreds of people thronged the park to listen to what registered speakers such as former Colombo Plan scholar Tan Kim Chuang, Singapore Democratic Party member S. Kunalen, and Think Centre members James Gomez and Yaw Shin Leong had to say.

While perhaps differing in the details, TalkingCock detected a consistent thread running through most of the speakers' messages.

Largely because of the prohibition on microphones, loudspeakers and other amplification equipment.

As Mr. Gomez was heard to tell the crowd gathered around him, "Fwahfwahfwahwahfwahfwah, mumblemumbleSingaporemumble."

Similarly, President of the Socratic Circle Daniel Chew could be heard commenting, "Gnargnargnargnargnargnargnargnargnar," a sentiment which was echoed by lawyer Kevin Tan, possibly with a few extra "fwahfwahfwahs" thrown in for good measure.

In another corner, the audience listened to Democratic Progressive Party President Tan Soo Phuanas he expressed himself thusly: "Watermeloncanteloupewatermeloncanteloupe, runningdogofamerica, watermeloncanteloupe.

Audibility notwithstanding, most people agree that today marked an important shift for the government. 

"I think it's important that we allow freedom of speech, even if it's only in one place," said Miss Liak Bo Kiew, an undergrad.  "And even if the speakers all sound like the adults in a Snoopy cartoon.  You know, like, wahwahwahwahwah." 

The people's sentiment was most neatly summed up by spectator Mr. Tiah Bo Leh who said, "It's good for the government to hear what people say on the ground."

At which point, Mr. Tiah's wife, who was with him, cupped her hand behind her ear and said, "Ha?" 

To which we can only add: hear, hear!

Boyz hooting in the 'hood: 
samseng rap invades the void deck

Formerly a sound closely identified with gritty urban areas like Harlem and the Bronx in New York and South Central in Los Angeles, gangsta rap has found its way into our very own HDB estates, albeit in a uniquely Singaporean form.

Listen to the lyrics of "Kwayz at the Quay", by local rap group Kon'demm:

I sit at the taber
Reading the New Paper
Drinking ABC
And watch the SPG
All the si char bor
Who dance only with ang-mor

"We call it 'samseng' rap," said Kon'demm's P.M. Tension (better known to his parents as Yeo Ah Yeoh). "Our gangsters here are called 'samseng' one, what. Anyway, if we anyhow call ourselves gangster then the police sure come and ji seow us." 

His team-mate M.C. 3days (alias Keng Tuang King) nodded gravely in assent. 

Kon'demm has just released their first record, C Beh 2 Lan under new local independent label Void Deck Records, to surprisingly good sales. They will also be performing their first concert at Bukit Gorblok Community Club next week.

But what is the appeal of this popular musical form (which is essentially rhythmic speaking to syncopated beats) to these Chinese youth? While a few rap groups have done well in Malay pop music circles, it is understandable due to the existence of rhythmic speaking traditions such as dikir barat.

M.C. 3days explained, "Cannot, meh? So because we Chinese, then only must do lang-ting-tang kind of music, is it?  We like rap because it is si beh, how you say, hard-core."

P.M. Tension added, "And our record sells because we tell people if they don't buy, we will go and hang a pig's head on their door."

So is Kon'demm's success just, um, aggressive marketing?

Local music critic Felipé Cheah of Bigone magazine, who TalkingCock.com asked to come along for the interview, offered this analysis, "Rap music has come to represent the voice of the disenchanted urban underclass, of which I believe Tension and 3days count themselves. You know, they feel they have no future.  They can't even get into ITE.  And then they see the gangsta rappers - tough, aggressive men, who are expressing their urban angst and analyzing their social milieu in an explosive fashion."

Does Kon'demm agree?

"Ha?" said M.C. 3days. "I catch no ball."

"Aiyah, simple one," said P.M. Tension. "They all got no education, no job, but can still buy a lot of jewellery. Some more they always got nearly naked women around them. You do'wan, meh?"

P2P: e-commerce business models get back to Net basics

With the NASDAQ stumbling like a cerebral palsy sufferer in an oil slick, how should one view the future of internet businesses?

You've heard it all: The B2C (Business-to-Consumer) model doesn't generate enough revenues to keep your e-business afloat. The B2B (Business-to-Business) model is great, but only if you already have a stranglehold over an entire mature industry which you want to automate, otherwise you might as well try to sell toxic waste.

Internet analysts scratch their collective geeky heads trying to predict the future, but the answer may lie in the past.  At least that's what Wank Armstrong, CEO of PumpPalm.com believes.

"In order to turn a profit, internet companies need to tap into what really drives Net usage," said Armstrong to a Motel 6 conference room outside Palo Alto on Friday,  packed to the brim with salivating venture capitalists. "And that is porn."

"PumpPalm.com will be the herald of a brand new business model we call P2P, or 'Perv-to-Perv'," continued Armstrong. "We have developed a proprietary software which enables people to search for and download any naughty pictures other connected users have secretly saved on their hard drives, as well as generate immediate links to porno sites that have been bookmarked on their browsers."

"We have also come up with a software so that these pics can be clearly downloaded to people's PDAs (personal digital assistants) for private and immediate consumption. We foresee a future where people will be happily beaming each other hardcore sex pictures."

"Porn has driven technological innovation since the invention of the Gutenberg press," said Armstrong, thumping the lectern. "And it popularized everything from video tapes to MPEG files.  Porn is also consistently profitable!  Who has ever dared to sue a porn company for not delivering quality? No one! Unless they want to announce to the world that they're perverts."

Gready Bastert of famed venture capital firm Kinder Poking and Pedofyl was clearly impressed by Armstrong's presentation. "Wank has a real point. Too many people have strayed from the fundamentals of the internet.  Books, toys, delivery - all this is readily available stuff. The Net adds little value but convenience.  But porn - there the Net makes a real difference.  The value proposition is ejaculatory."

Others appeared interested, but cautious. Said Frigitte Beitsch of conservative investment firm Coldwater and Co., "Sex tends to follow a standard pattern: initial excitement, with rapid growth, followed by an explosive spurt, and then a rapid descent into lassitude. It's a very tricky business because it's not always clear how long the growth period will last."

"And no one wants to sleep in the wet spot," added a Hardbank executive who did not wish to be named.

Ah Lien Gonzalez Home At Last

After weeks of interminable wrangling and stunning drama, Ah Lien Gonzalez has finally returned to her father's home in Batu Pahat.
        Six months ago, Ah Lien, 18, had come to Singapore on a shopping trip when she met Roderick Cedric Gonzalez, 21, at a pub in Far East Plaza.  Roderick was playing guitar in a band called the Groovy Geragoks, and according to sources, stole Ah Lien's heart with a reggae rendition of "Di Tanjung Katong".  A whirlwind romance ensued, and so did controversy.
        On February 13, the couple registered their marriage secretly at Fort Canning and moved in with Roderick's parents in Joo Chiat, pending the readiness of their HDB flat in Pasir Ris.
        The problems began, however, when the marriage was discovered by Ah Lien's father, Chao Ah Beng alias Chow Ah Beng alias Ah Beng alias Beng Ah, who saw Ah Lien's actions as unfilial.  
        "This is si peh too lahn for me," said Mr. Chao. "Teng pai I oreddy told my blood brother  that Ah Lien would marry his second son.  The boy oreddy tattoo her name on his shoulder, in the shape of an eagle attacking a tiger some more, when she do this kind of thing.  Because of her, every morning got someone hang a chicken's head at my door."
        The Gonzalez family rallied around Ah Lien, saying that Batu Pahat could never offer her the kind of future that Joo Chiat, or even Pasir Ris, could. Protests soon erupted at the Gonzalez family's neighbourhood, with Chao's extended family coming to Singapore and often clashing with Gonzalez family supporters.  Adding to the chaos was the vociferous Live In Batu Pahat Wawasan 2020 Association, who had come to object to the Gonzalez family's remarks about their town, but who also saw the Chao faction as giving Batu Pahat residents a bad image.
        The stand-off soon ended when several heavily tattooed Chao blood brothers stormed the semi-detached house in a lightning raid in the early hours on Monday morning.  "It was awful," said Gonzalez family spokesperson Elvis Bonaventure Rodriguez.  "They were shouting 'Hoot ah, hoot ah, hoot ah' all over the shop.  It was like an invasion of owls or something."  The blood brothers snatched Ah Lien, and whisked her back to Batu Pahat.
        The dust has still not fully settled, with the Gonzalez family initiating legal action, including possible prosecutions.  The cross-border nature of the dispute has also provided unique complications.  For the moment, Roderick says that he hopes he will see Ah Lien soon and that in the meantime, he will be writing her a ballad.  The Chaos have refused to be interviewed at this point in time, but have issued a press release in the form of a severed pig's head.

First Name Policy Shelved

In a bid to follow Singapore Telecom CEO BG (NS) Lee Hsien Yang's lead, Mr. Seow Siew Tong also adopted a first name policy at his firm, Eversolid Ex-Im (S) Pte Ltd.  "Just like BG Lee, I wanted my employees to see me as more approachable.  I thought that allowing them to call me Siew Tong instead of 'Boss' or 'Lau Ban' would make them feel more at ease, " said Mr. Siew.  "I just didn't expect them to feel this much at ease."
        Within weeks, Mr. Siew was not just Siew Tong, but "Ah Tong", "Tong-Tong", "Tong Eh" and much to his chagrin, "Seow Ting Tong".  The first name policy has now been withdrawn, and Mr. Siew now prefers to be addressed as "Sir", or failing that, "Master".
        "Shorter and easier to remember," he says.  

Ay, There's the Dub: the bold new vision for TCS English Programmes

In line with the government's call to cease the use of Singlish in programming, there is talk that TCS plans to ensure that all English programmes will employ proper English of a sort that will not improperly influence viewers.  "In fact," says a source who does not wish to be named, "We will be going one step further.  We do not wish to use mere simple English, but English of the highest standard, i.e. Shakespeare.  Henceforth, all our programmes will be in Elizabethan English."  
        The Dubbing Unit is also being prepared for the mammoth task of dubbing TCS's entire back catalogue to ensure that reruns will be in Elizabethan English.  Here is a sample of some of the changes we can expect to see: