TalkingCock.com Shows Good Taste For Once
by Kway Png

In an unprecedented move yesterday, local satirical website TalkingCock.com decided not to run any articles on the tragic crash of SQ006 in Taipei. 

This is the first time that the site, well known for its use of smutty Hokkien phrases and commentaries in poor taste, has ever embargoed coverage of a major event.

"We feel that this event is too sensitive to make fun of," said TalkingCock.com editor in chief Big Cock to his staff at a meeting yesterday, in a kopi tiam below their offices at Jalan Bukit Gorblok. "It's the first airline tragedy for our national carrier, and Singaporean lives were also lost.  I know we pride ourselves on being on the edge, but to make light of this would really lower our rep into the longkang."

"Kum pooi!" ejaculated Coq Au Vin, senior news writer. "This is probably the single biggest news event this month and you don't want to make any mention of it? Wah lau, looks like Big Cock is nothing but a bloody chicken!"

Coq Au Vin then proceeded to violently waggle a set of papers in Big Cock's face. "Some more I wrote this damn solid article covering the SIA press conference in Taipei!  Now no one will see it! Where got like that?"

"That's why!" agreed Ken Tucky, the submissions editor. "Some more got two readers - our entire readership - sending in "Singapore Airlines: You're A Great Way To Die" jokes! You ask for contribution and then do'wan to run? How can?"

"I agree!" said journalist Lay Mong Chi.  "And how far does this embargo of coverage extend? Even if we don't write about the crash per se, are we allowed to write about how 4D punters are upset that '006' only has three numbers, so they can't buy it?"

Big Cock's responded by saying, "But Singaporeans all got no sense of humour one.  Especially this sort of thing.  Wait we run it and then people get offended and then don't come back to our site anymore, then how?"

At this point, Lau Cheow, TalkingCock's chief technology officer (who not only wrote an article on SQ's New Procedures in the wake of the tragedy, but also somehow procured a Cockpit Voice Recorder transcript as well) interjected, saying,  "Nobody's coming back anyway, so might as well run.  Anyway, real humour is supposed to be risky one, what.  If your jokes are completely inoffensive and safe, then it's just useless.  You might as well pack up shop and go and write TCS sit-coms."

At which point, the entire staff bowed their heads and observed a minute's silence to commemorate the victims of flight SQ006 as well as the loss of their satirical integrity.

New Woodlands Causeway to Reflect Bridge's Traditional Practices
by Ayam Panggang

The Johor government has announced that work will begin early next year on the bridge that will replace the old Woodlands Causeway.  

While the design is described as "futuristic", the bridge will also retain many historical elements to reflect the Causeway's traditional practices.

Said Johor Mentri Kecil Datuk Paspot bin Hilang, "We don't just want to build any old new bridge.  We want to commemorate the place it has occupied in the history of both Singapore and Johor. We want to continue providing the special Causeway experience to Singaporean visitors."

Datuk Paspot proceeded to outline these heritage elements, which include the following:

While there will be many new immigration booths, only one quarter of them will be staffed at any given point in time, to ensure that traditional bottleneck traffic jams are retained;

All immigresen officers will attend special classes to maintain the grouchy, mildly contemptuous demeanour that Singaporean visitors have come to associate with travelling via Woodlands;

Traditional practices like refusing to give out extra white immigration cards (which all visitors must complete before entering Johor), or sighing heavily while reluctantly doing so, will also be retained;

Even the posts where the white immigration cards can be obtained will be situated according to traditional principles, i.e. a place which forces Singaporean cars to leave the traffic jam to pick them up, and then try for the next two hours to re-enter the jam again.

 "We are also considering modern updates to traditional elements," continued Datuk Paspot. "For example, the tradition of stopping and inspecting each and every car will be continued, but this time with a 21st century twist: full body cavity searches."

The Singapore government has not made any official statement on the new Causeway bridge at this point, but are rumoured to be considering "heritage" moves of our own to be used on our side of the bridge.  

Such as making all Malaysian cars bid for the COEs of the cars they are driving into Singapore.

Singapore Working Towards Becoming Polo Free
by Sik Chee Kin

"Singapore aims to eradicate all major diseases in an efficient and systematic manner," said Ministry of Health spokesman Doctor Chia Koh Yoke at a press conference yesterday. "And the most efficient and systematic manner is in alphabetical order."

"Having just been officially declared polio-free by the World Health Organization," continued Dr. Chia. "We're now going after polo."

Polo is an highly contagious disease which afflicts mostly men with an after tax income of over $1m.  Symptoms include the need to acquire a horse, riding jodphurs, a hat, mallet and membership in the Singapore Polo Club. Famous sufferers include Prince Charles.

"MOH has been monitoring the situation for a number of years now," said Dr. Chia. "At the moment, the afflicted population is small, and mostly chow ang mors, so there is no cause for immediate concern.  But with rising affluence in Singapore, there still remains the possibility of an outbreak in the future."

Some of the measures that MOH is contemplating include a heavy tax on horses, to be administered orally.

"Those at risk will find it hard to swallow," remarked Dr. Chia.  "But it's for their own good."

Aim to Hit 5.5 Million Population by 2040
by Seymour Kok

Singapore will witness a population growth of 5.5 million by 2040. 

These figures, part of the Urban Redevelopment Authorities'  (URA) Concept Plan, are needed to replenish the local talent pool in order for Singapore to remain competitive and economically dynamic in the New World Order. With the present population already at 4 million, URA’s announcement has naturally evoked a range of responses from ordinary Singaporeans.

Summing up the general mood of those asked, Mr Kah Chuay Lang, 22, technopreneur, exclaimed, ‘Singapore Inc. selling sardines izzit? Olaydi now in MRT must smell people’s armpit, by 2040 we must smell other body-parts. Wah-sei man, sell on-line deodorant surely make mah-nee one.”

Those with less well-honed entrepreneurial skills are less enthusiastic. Social problems are at the top of worry list.

“Nowsadays hor, molesting is so common. Chinese newspapers every night got frontpage coverage. So many people, so small island, molest cases sure rise one.”, warned Miss Monica Ching, 26, Public Relations Officer (Lounge Division).

Some also worry that the government will try and reach the 5.5 million target with foreign talent instead of pure Singaporeans. 

As Mr Mai Lang Lai, 35, taxi-driver, puts it: “Gar-ment say our birth-rate drop. Couples are not reproducing 2.1 to replace themselves. I scared Gar-ment will allow more ang mos to come in and help. Like that then how? Wait future Singaporeans all got blue but slit-eyes, yellow skin but blonde hair. Damn chap-cheng lah.” 

When asked why his car-radio was tuned to BBC instead of RCS news, he replied toothily, “Ang mor accent very nice. I trying to speaking BBC-style, like dat then got class mah.”

Some local organisations interviewed also expressed their concerns. Mr Kuah Si Mi, 24, chairman of the Gangsters and Violence Association (GAVA) slammed his fist down on the table and spat.

“There needs to be a creative allocation of urban space when it comes to functionality. French philosopher Henri Lefebvre says social codes are written in social spaces. Our shortage of space must see us give the same space different social codes for multi-functionality. For example, the void deck is a traditionally ambiguous space. From Chinese funerals, Malay weddings to my own association’s organised activities - ‘piah jui’, the void deck is a perfect example of multifarious and multilevel discourse performed in an affixed geo-locality. We need more urban spaces like these. I would like to see a huge and well-lit space like Takashimaya turned into a ‘piah chui’ centre!”

GAVA’s secretary, Mr Buay Song Hoot, nodded in agreement and added, "This Concept Plan will help achieve our association’s long-term project to express social and cultural discourse through physiology and assorted weapons. GAVA will be relevant in local mainstream youth discourse.”

Both men were not able to complete the interview as they had to flee upon the approaching of CID officers.

For other organisations, however, 5.5 million can only be a bonus. 

Ms Celine Ang Mor Hong, chairwoman of Society for Western Products, Lifestyle and Men, and former SIA stewardess gushed, “This will mean more cosmopolitan influence! Fewer kopi-tiams and more Covent Gardens, fewer Popular Bookshops and more Charing Crosses! Oh, I’m sooo excited. Hopefully the extra 1.5 million will be from the West, then I don’t have to travel all the way to Europe for a little tete-a-tete.”, she giggled.

Local Teen Wishes He Had Jessie's Girl
by Coq Au Vin

Ang Mo Kio teenager Royston Yeo admitted yesterday to a group of friends that he harbours a secret desire for his best friend Jessie Cheng's girlfriend. 

"Yes, Jessie is a friend," he said, over burgers and fries at the Clementi Town Centre McDonald's, "He's really been a good brudder of mine. But lately got some por-blem hard to really explains, you know?" 

However, after much soul-searching, he realized that the tension started when Jessie began seeing Chrysalis Yeh, his new girlfriend from Ngee Ann Polytechnic. 

"Jessie's got himself this really jude char bor," Royston admitted, "And I want to pok her." 

The tormented teen continued, "And she's always watching him with those eyes of hers. And she's loving him with that body - I just know it. And he's holding her with his arms late at night..." 

His lower lip trembling, he wiped a tear out of the corner of his eye, "I wish I had Jessie's girl." 

When asked if he had told his friend how he felt about his girlfriend, he shook his head. "How can I? There's no reason to change what. So I play along, lor, even though when I feel so eee-yer when they talk cute cute." 

He pointed out examples like his friends Tommy Loh and Laura Lim who want to get married but cannot afford to.

Tommy plans to win a stockcar race in Malaysia next week and get the money, even though Royston has warned him this might be dangerous. 

Said Royston, "He told me as he left, 'Tell Laura I love her. Tell Laura I need her. Tell Laura not to cry. Tell Laura my love for her will never die.' I mean, that's real love, man. What we kids today are going through is totally different from what our parents lived. How can they understand?" 

He sighed, and shook his head, saying once more, "Tell me, where can I find a char bor like that?"