Whacko: Singapore's Radical New Plan to Solve Middle East Strife
by Ayam Masak Rendang

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has announced its first foreign policy initiative to accompany its upcoming membership on the United Nations Security Council: solving the Israeli-Palestine conflict.

"It is clear that present peace talks are not working," said Mr. Eastshore Babumahni, second secretary at the Singapore Mission to the United Nations in New York. "We believe dynamic and innovative new approaches are necessary.  And that Singapore can be of great assistance."

"We believe the source of the Middle East strife is due to both sides not knowing each other properly," said Mr. Babumahni. "And we have a long history of designing ways of getting people to know each other better."

Mr. Babumahni then outlined a series of programmes adapted from traditional National University of Singapore icebreaker games.

"We'll start off with a round of Whacko, which has always been popular here in Singapore," said Mr. Babumahni. "Followed by a game of Chek Chek Golek or Captain's Ball, and possibly some Song Fights or Blow Wind Blow. All cheap, but effective."

A spokesperson for the Palestine Liberation Organisation sounded a cautious welcome to Singapore's announcement. "While we welcome all initiatives to bring peace to our strife-torn region, we need to be convinced that this can be achieved by bopping PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat or Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak over their heads with a rolled up newspaper."

Spokespersons for the Israeli Knesset were more optimistic. Said Mr. Machan Ben-Durion, "We have a friendly history with Singapore and trust their motives absolutely.  Many of our military officers also remember how to sing 'Cannibal King With a Fat Nose Ring'."

At this point, a full scale Sephardic choir began to harmonize the traditional Singapore campfire song in the background, being especially emphatic when they reached the part that goes "Aroom! (Kiss! Kiss!) Aroom! (Kiss! Kiss!) Aroom-di-di-ah-dee-ay-ee-ay!"

"We're absolutely confident that our initiative will work.  Singapore has always thought out of the box," said Mr. Babumahni. "Many did not believe that a small country like Singapore could attain a seat on the Security Council.  But we did, using typical Singaporean ingenuity at that: we 'choped' the seat by leaving a Watson's tissue packet on it. We believe more of such typical Singaporean common sense can solve all the world's ills."

Police Search in Vain for Son of Suharto
by Coq Au Vin

Police on Friday searched tiny resort islands off Jakarta Bay in vain for the son of former Indonesian President Suharto, Hutomo "Tommy" Mandala Putra, who has been a fugitive for a week. 

Police spokesman Brigadier General Saleh Saaf stated, "We should never have agreed to his request to count to two hundred thousand before starting to look for him. We thought we'd give a better head start since he's never played hide and seek before, but it looks like the joke's on us." 

Tommy was declared a fugitive Tuesday after failing to surrender to authorities to begin his 18-month jail term for corruption. 

Tommy's lawyers have said he refused to go to jail because his life was in danger after anonymous callers threatened to kill him once he was behind bars. 

"I must say we're very disappointed," Saaf said, "This really isn't how the game is played. I mean, take his father - now there was a villain. He'd take you straight on. Maybe a few deathtraps set up in the living room, a seductive femme fatale with twin machineguns hidden in her bra. The clues would be clearly indicated, leading you to the hidden volcano headquarters. Then a death-defying battle above a flaming lava bit before tumbling to his apparent death as the base self-destructed all around him." 

Saaf shook his head, "But this is just hiding. What a bloody ayam. Kids today have no sense of tradition" 

Police have also said that Tommy's defence lawyers used tactic after tactic to delay the beginning of the sentence until time ran out. "They'd make funny noises on the end of the telephone, pretend we'd got the wrong number. One of them even dressed up like the maid and tried to convince us that Tommy lived next door." 

Police have looked everywhere - in his various residences in Jakarta, the houses of his siblings, the playgrounds he used to frequent, even the local McDonald's, where he was collecting the latest run of Hello Kitty happy meals.  "We're hoping to stake it out when next week's new figure comes out. Surely he can't pass up ths chance for the exclusive new figure." 

The surrender plea was repeated by national police chief General Suroyo Bimantoro on the private SCTV station on Friday, who urged Tommy's family to persuade him to give himself up. "I think the family should encourage him to hand himself over to police," he said. 

To which his family replied, "Yeah, right."

Youngsters Get Say in Marine Parade GRC: Mayor To Be Replaced By Pokémon
by Ha Cheong Kai

Giving young people a chance to speak their minds has yielded surprising results for Marine Parade.

Last week, Marine Parade organized a series of five forums called Community Expression@Marine Parade to enable youths in the district to propose policies they want to see implemented in their group representative constituency, which includes Bedok, Braddell Heights, Fengshan, Geylang Serai, Kaki Bukit, Kampong Ubi, Kampong Chai Chee, Joo Chiat, MacPherson, Mountbatten, Marine Parade, Serangoon, Siglap and who knows? Pretty soon, wherever you're staying too!

However, the organisers' aim of making "active citizenry real for the next generation of Singaporeans" turned surreal when participants unanimously proposed that Mayor Eugene Yap be replaced by a Pokémon.

"They ask us to present constructive and innovative ideas on what can be done, whaaaat," said Ai Tee Toh, 10. "I think it's damn innovative to have a Mayor who has a power level of 12, and who can evolve."

"I agree," chirped Mai Wan Ju, 8. "Right now, I also donno what the Mayor is saying when he's talking, so he might as well just be repeating his name over and over again."

"That's why!" agreed Bai Mee Toi, 11. "Pokémon address all the four issues the GRC asked us to think about: Bringing The Arts To The Heartland (Pokémon is accessible on every TV in the Heartland), Encouraging Green Action (got a lot of green Pokémon), Fostering Community Participation (we can all play trading cards), and Bridging The Digital Divide (we can all play the Nintendo Pokémon Stadium game).

GRC general administrator Ms. Teo Sai Leow was cautious in her response. "It seemed like a good idea at the time to ask young people for their opinions, so that we could brainstorm new ways to improve their way of life. But now I'm not so sure."

"On the other hand," noted Ms. Teo. "It's possible that our politicians will achieve unprecedented popularity with the next generation of voters if they become cute collectible creatures."

Future US Elections To Be Fought To The Death
by Coq Au Vin

Following the US Presidential succession crisis, both Democratic and Republican parties have made a startling bipartisan move to enact Constitutional safeguards to prevent a similar situation from happening again. 

"We do not wish a repeat of this debacle," said Bill Daley, representing the Democrats, in a joint statement with Republican spokeswoman Karen Hughes, "Therefore, both sides have agreed that in future, instead of a nationwide election, candidates for the Presidency will face each other in a winner-takes-all bout of final, mortal combat." 

"There can be only one," Ms Hughes added. 

Details at the moment are scanty, but apparently several options were considered during high-level meetings between the two parties before the final mode of competition was decided upon. 

Among the rejected candidates were a high-stakes game of poker, three rounds of scissors-paper-stone, and a Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament, where each ball would count as one vote. 

Naturally, given the confusion in Florida, the parties felt that the last contest would be more trouble than it would be worth. 

The Primaries leading up to the nominations for the various parties will be replaced by qualifying rounds where candidates will test their mettle in a series of physical and spiritual ordeals. 

A 'Maze of Doom' will be set up, loaded with deadly traps, with the survivors meeting in the center to battle each other hand-to-hand to win the right to represent their party in the Presidential Elections. 

The final, decisive combat will take place in Madison Square Garden in New York City, where an Ultimate Fighting Championship Cage will be set up. 

On the night of the contest, the two Presidential candidates will enter the arena, both stripped to the waist and wearing loincloths. No weapons will be allowed except the combatants' bare hands. Then, upon a signal from the referee, both will throw themselves upon each other in a no-holds-barred battle. Only one will emerge from that cage alive, and as the most powerful man in the world. 

Naturally, other parties have expressed their reservations, some quite strongly. "This is another example of the power elite turning the serious business of government into a sideshow," said Presidential candidate Ralph Nader of the Green Party, "It's a farce - a circus - and anyway, my mommy says my asthma means I shouldn't get into fights." 

"It's all a stunt, of course. It's all make-believe, like the World Wrestling Federation. It's just another excuse to sell merchandise," said Reform Party member and former Presidential candidate Ross Perot, "But we're not fooled - we know what's real and what's not, just like when they killed JFK. The UFOs are behind it, of course. Cattle mutilations are up this year, too. I have charts." 

Bill Daley denied that this was a means to commercialize the elections. 

"Mr Perot is completely wrong," he said, wearing a PRESIDENTIAL KOMBAT T-shirt, "As a matter of fact, the official Democratic Party 'Interchangeable Robotic Face' Al Gore doll had been in development weeks before we decided on this course of action." 

Singaporean politicians greeted this announcement with approval. 

"I think that this is an excellent idea," said Junior Minister with a Couple of Portfolios Pak Kao See, "We need men of strength and will in positions of leadership and what better way to do so than to make them whack each other until die?" 

A Select Committee has been set up to look into similar legislation for Parliamentary elections. Of course, it will be adapted to suit Singaporean sensibilities. 

"Personally," said Minister Pak, "I've always found a good game of chor tai tee really gets the adrenaline going."

Cabinet to Pass Motion in Parliament Approved
by Lau Cheow

MPs in the House of Parliament now have a special fibreglass cabinet erected just for them, outside the entrance to the chamber (or whatever they call this) in order for them to discharge important functions.

Previously, MPs who had to make emergency visits to the lavatory, complained that the toilets were situated too far away, causing many of them to involuntarily discharge their motions on their way. This controversy raised a stink in Parliament recently.

In an incident last Tuesday, PAP MPs began to distance themselves from Workers Party M.P. Mr. J.B. Jeyaretnam. 

And not just ideologically.

Senior PAP members got wind of this and issued a demand that Mr. Jeyaretnam pass motion immediately. For once, there was concurrence in Parliament, as a visibly shaken Mr. Jeyaretnam hurried outside.

It was believed that the fish head curry at the Parliament Building cafeteria, just added to the menu, was to blame, although Mr. Jeyaretnam later labelled this as "uncorroborated, insubstantial and a possible racial slur", adding that he always ate the gu bak kuay teow, and it might have been the chili that was responsible.

"When you've got to go, you've got to go," agreed Mr. Chiam See Tong, who was one of those who heartily supported the Cabinet proposal. However, Mr. Chiam denied he was one of those who vacated his seat, and later declined to shake Mr Jeyaretnam's hand.

"We hope the installation of this new facility will clear the air regarding sanitary procedures in Parliament," said 3rd Minister for Notional Development, Mr. Chin Ah Chow, who has been earmarked for a seat in the Cabinet in the near future.

NUS Lecturers Support Shakespeare Dope Theory
by Coq Au Vin

Following reports in the UK Independent that British Researchers are investigating whether the secret of William Shakespeare's creativity was his smoking of cannabis, the English Faculty at the National University of Singapore has chimed in to support this theory. 

"Of course," said Associate Professor Chia Kang Tang, "This explains many mysteries in Shakespearean dialogue that have not been immediately explicable. Take this passage, for example, from Henry V: 

"O for a big phat blunt, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention, 
A reefer, like, this big, man, that'd be sweet 
And crack ho's to roll up this swelling toke! 
Then should the whacked-out Harry, like himself, 
High as a fucking kite; and at his heels, 
Leash'd in like hounds, should famine, sword and fire 
Make for a bad trip. 
But pardon, dudes and dudettes, 
The flat unraised homeboys that have dared 
On this unworthy scaffold to bring forth 
So great an object: can this cockpit, dude, 
Hold this righteous roll-up? or may we cram 
Within this bitty joint the sweetened smoke 
That did affright the air at Agincourt?" 

The Professor put the passage aside. "Historians and scholars have wondered for years about those words, but now it seems so obvious." 

Senior Lecturer Rattan Tudor-Kaur pointed us to several other famous Shakespearean passages that supported the theory of the Bard's hitherto secret drug habit. "Plays like Twelfth Night, the Merchant of Venice, and especially the Comedy of Errors come to mind. With all that transvestism and twin switching - you need to be on drugs yourself to follow what's going on, let alone write it. But the evidence shows up elsewhere as well."

" For example," said Ms. Tudor-Kaur. "Who could forget the drive-by shooting of druglord Julius Caesar, or the really bad trip and overdose of Ophelia? Richard III, offering his kingdom for a bong, and what exactly were those Wives of Windsor so Merry about?" 

Ms. Tudor- Kaur then pointed to other passages from Shakespeare's works, including Queen Titania's hallucinatory psychedelic sex romp with a donkey, Portia giving Shylock advice on the correct preparation of marijuana ("The quality ain't right if you strain it! Sheeee-yit, dude! Mercy!") and of course the famous soliloquy where Hamlet struggles between going cold turkey or smoking up some really righteous weed. 

But it doesn't stop with Shakespeare. Researchers are turning their keen eyes on his contemporaries, like Francis Bacon and Christopher Marlowe, whom they believe to have been his close friend and dealer. 

One researcher points to this classic passage from Marlowe's tragedy, Doctor Faustus, as Mephistopheles ponders on the confiscation of his supply by God: 

"Why this is hell, nor am I out of it. 
Think’st thou that I who tasted this fine shit, 
am not tormented with ten thousand hells, 
in being depriv’d of my own primo stash?" 

The concern now, of course, is how the Ministry of Education is going to react in the light of this revelation. Are the Bard's works now to be considered undesirable because of drug-related content? 

"We'll be looking into the matter," said Ministry of Education official Ban Mai Bok, "We cannot be seen to be encouraging drug use, even if it did lead to the most brilliant and immortal pieces of literature and language ever written by Man. Besides, his English is si beh cheem and I never got good marks in Lit anyway. No economical use, what." 

For Literature students in Singapore, they can only wait for the Ministry's final word. But for Shakespearean scholars everywhere, perhaps the last mysteries surrounding this wild and crazy dude and the hell-raising antics he and his wacky compatriots must have waged in Stratford-upon-Avon have been answered. 

"It all makes sense now," Professor Chia said, with a contented nod.