Kaninab U: Secret Societies To Set Up Private University in Geylang
by Ken Tuck Kee

Several local secret societies announced yesterday that they would be setting up their own university in Geylang.

Named Kaninab U. ("Kan U" for short), the university is being founded because the other universities are simply not teaching the skills that one needs in order to work for secret societies.

"NUS lah, NTU lah, SMU lah, all si beh bo yong eh," snorted Dean. 'Dragon' Chow Ah Beng derisively. "They tich peepur all no use one. Not a single hooting class or even seminar on running a brothel!"

Accordingly, several major secret societies, including the Chap Sar Tiam, the Si Beh Hiong and the awfully alliterative Luan Luan Lai, have put aside differences to raise funds for Kaninab U.

Classes offered at Kaninab U. include:

Kaninab U. has also affiliated itself with other gangster universities round the world to ensure that students receive the best academic support.

"We oreddy signed up some tok kong professors," said Dean Chow as he scratched his heavily-tattooed belly. "We  got Professor Heong Ah Long from Fukien University ("Fuk U" for short) to teach Loan Sharking, Professor Nomora Fingeru from Yakuza Daigaku University to teach Tattoo Semiotics, as well as Professor Dai Kor Dai from Kowloon Fay Tzai University to teach walking around in trenchcoats and dark glasses."

"We're especially proud," continued Dean Chow. "To have Professor Guido 'The Dry Cleaner' Trattoria from Brooklyn's prestigious Omerta La Famiglia Mafiosi University to lecture us on money laundering techniques."

Unlike NUS, NTU, et. al, Kaninab U will have an open admissions policy. Said Dean Chow, "The whole point of our institution is to tich peepur. If they oreddy so bleddy clever, then what's there to tich?"

All first-year students will undergo a basic curriculum including lectures on growing one's last fingernail, pirated VCD marketing and "chee-honging".

The innovative part of Kaninab U. will be that no tuition fees will be provided.  Instead, students will be given full scholarships, after which they will serve a life-long bond which they cannot buy themselves out of.

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Civil Servants To Get Bigger Year-End Boners
by Pak Cham Kai

It may be a very merry Christmas indeed for civil servants this year. 

However, in line with with the Government's move to encourage more children, the reward will not come in monetary form.

According to Mr. Pak Chew Cheng of the Working Committee on Marriage and Procreation, civil servants will be getting boners, instead of a bonus, this year.

"It's only appropriate," continued Mr. Pak. "Outstanding service deserves outstanding rewards! And what could be more outstanding than a massive penile erection?"

All civil servants will be issued gift packages, bulging with goodies, including a bottle of Viagra, a tube of Spanish Fly ointment, sexy underwear, a copy of the Ministry of Education's new sex education video and a CD-Rom which will link users to www.sammyboy.com.  

According to Mr. Pak, the revisions were made when it was revealed that the economy was expected to grow by 9.5 percent instead of 7.5 percent, as previously forecast.

Which was why Deputy Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong hinted last week that the Government would look 'favourably' on calls to reward civil servants for their service during the tumultuous past year.

"We decided to tie the rewards in with our population policy," said Mr. Pak. "Partially to draw attention to our looming workforce deficit and also to dispel the completely false image of our civil servants as impotent ball-carriers."

Further, Mr. Pak added that if the growth trend continues, civil servants can expect even bigger boners next year.

Civil servants in attendance were extremely enthusiastic about the announcement.  The sentiment was perhaps best encapsulated by Mr. Suay Keng Cheo of the Ministry of Community Development, who ejaculated, "Hot dog! It's seminal policies like these that will definitely lead to greater productivity."

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Singapore Youths Explore Buzzword Generation at Polytechnic Forum
by Coq Au Vin

Some 300 students gathered at this year's Polytechnic Forum to discuss whether Singapore youths had what it took to generate buzzwords that sound excellent when used in mission statements but actually mean absolutely nothing.

Education Minister, Rear-Admiral Teo Chee Hean, opening the forum, demonstrated his remarkable command
of corporate language, spouting for a full hour phrase after phrase of total nonsense guaranteed to impress venture capitalists and loosen purses.

"Singapore must integrate leading-edge markets and enhance transparent markets to survive in this new world that constantly revolutionizes revolutionary schemas. In addition, we should not only facilitate scalable functionalities, but indeed also orchestrate interactive channels to enhance strategic infomediaries, overtaking competitors who must surely be trying to also seize vertical networks and innovate real-time partnerships for themselves," said Admiral Teo to an hallfull of Polytechnic students listening hushed in awe.

"However," he continued, "We must not fall into the trap of branding web-enabled initiatives combined with incentivizing best-of-breed users. That, as is obvious, would lead to cultivating virtual supply-chains that could be disastrous."

This was followed by a moment of silent incomprehension, followed by thunderous applause.

After the keynote, a question and answer session was held. Some students were worried that they could not catch up to the sophisticated level of bullshit so ably demonstrated by Admiral Teo. 

"I've been trying to memorize words like synergy, and monetize, and phrases like bricks-and-clicks and broadband action-items," said one student, "But it's so difficult when you really lia'h bo kiew to pretend that it means something. But I'm trying."

Other students voiced their concern to the Education Minister about the education system in general, for example, the streaming system.

Admiral Teo noted that "it's cruel to feed the same education diet to all," as abilities of children varied from child to child.

"We want to make sure that the right education goes to the right child," said Admiral Teo, "The gifted should get the recognition, the scholarships and the mental nurturing they deserve, and the other more mentally deficient members of our society cast down into the bowels of hell where they belong, to languish with the rest of the gorblocks, barred from contaminating their genetic superiors and live with the mark of shame on their records forever."

Admiral Teo concluded his remarks with a blood-curdling Vincent Price laugh, which, after an uneasy silence, was echoed by his audience.

In conclusion, Admiral Teo wished the Polytechnic students a productive Forum, as they dispersed to take part in various workshops. "Don't forget - always leverage extensible interfaces and reinvent cross-media e-commerce by syndicating clicks-and-mortar relationships. Thank you, and good day."

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Superlien Fashion to Be Focus of Next Year's Fashion Festival
by Gey Lang Kway

The Singapore Tourism Board (STB) is launching Fashion Festival 2001 next year in order position Singapore as the region's fashion capital and a prime destination for fashion houses to launch their spring/summer collections in South-east Asia.

However, organizers concede that what is lacking is a distinct Singaporean fashion-style.

At present, the dominant mode of dress is the ubiquitous polo t-shirt and jeans with sports shoes combination.

"Adooooii, like that how can?" said an exasperated Bapok bin Pondan, head designer for local couture house Banyak Couture. "This sort of sub-Giordano look is so malu, man. Mana ada style?"

Ms. Sar Chin Kwee, the president of the Singaporean Pret-a-Porter Guild (SPG) agreed. "We can never be a fashion capital if we all dress in this sort of bland, uniform clothing.  We need a fashion ethic that is always on the edge, that stems from youthful energy, and yet is recognisably Singaporean."

"And," smiled Ms. Sar. "We believe we've found it. In our very own Ah Liens."

Go to Orchard Road or any town centre and you'll be sure to witness young teenage girls displaying the authentic Singapore fashion experience: hair sprinkled with sparkly dust, mini faux Prada backpacks with Hello Kitty or Bob Dog keyrings, thigh-high boots and especially baby tees emblazoned with inscrutable sayings like:

According to Banyak Couture's Mr. Pondan, these "Superliens" (or "Chao Ji Ah Liens") exemplify the cutting edge of Singapore fashion. 

"What could be more Singaporean?" cooed Mr. Pondan. "They're urban, economical and ridiculous."

In line with the Fashion Festival, town centre couture mainstay AA Fashion will be given an STB grant to develop their range of streetwear.

This move was applauded by the local Lien community. Said Ms. Chow Ah Huay, a local designer who is launching her own line of apparel and accessories during the Fashion Festival, "Ho say ah! I can'tch wait to see Armani, Versace, Calvin Klein and Dolce & Gabbana displaying their things right next to my things.  You wan' to see my things? Look like this one:..."

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Singaporean Attempt on Seven Summits Foiled: Poor maps, hostile natives, military patrols and bad weather to blame.
by Lau Cheow

Khoo Swee Chiow's latest attempt to be the first man to scale Singapore's seven tallest summits was abandoned last week after a series of setbacks. 

The Singaporean, who also announced his bid to scale the tallest summits on each of the continents, was expected to complete the feat over the weekend last Sunday, but his attempt ran into difficulties immediately.

He began with Bukit Panjang, but the expedition vans got lost trying to navigate the roads in Bukit Panjang New Town. 

Apparently the streets too new to be marked on their map, and although they took compass bearings, the expedition soon bogged down and found itself travelling in circles. 

They asked people at the Food Centre, but although everybody agreed that the team was in Bukit Panjang, nobody knew where the hill was. 

Finally, they compromised by walking up the steps of the tallest building, Block 33B in Bukit Panjang Ave 4, and scaling the water tank on top. 

"We were very disappointed. Even from up there we could not see Bukit Panjang as the HDB flats all around were blocking the view," said Swee Chiow. 

Then, as they were coming down, they were detained by the Police after neighbours called, complaining about people climbing on their roofs, suspecting them of being peeping toms. They were later released after agreeing to apply for a police permit the next time. 

The next challenge was Mt.Faber, but they not begin the attempt until late in the evening, as they were delayed by a traffic jam leading up to the cable car station. 

Later, when the team reached the car park, they couldn't find a parking spot for half an hour, and the rest of the expedition wanted a break for dinner. 

Finally, as they tried to find their way to the summit in the dark, they stumbled upon an ambush by natives hidden in the bushes. 

"The jungles of New Guinea was a piece of cake compared to this," said Swee Chiow. "There was grunting, moaning and other strange animal noises in the dark. We found newspapers and scraps of clothing everywhere. Then we were attacked by couples, men and women. I don't know what sort of tribal rituals they were performing in there, but they were mostly undressed, some were naked and all were screaming abuse at us." 

The expedition hurriedly left the scene. 

The next day, an attempt on Bukit Gombak was foiled by a security fence and barbed wire. Patrolling guard dogs soon alerted Military Police and the expedition was turned back as the entire hilltop was a restricted zone. 

As the expedition prepared its attempt on Bukit Timah, Singapore's highest point, a sudden monsoon downpour closed off the park early. Despite remonstrations from the expedition, the park attendant, refused to open the gate to the summit, claiming that it was dangerous, and besides, the toilets were being renovated.

Dejected, the team abandoned further attempts, but will try again at a later date, after they return from Antarctica.

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Schoolmate Still Doesn't Get The Hint
by Coq Au Vin

Bukit Gorblock Junior College student Jin Pai Kuah, 17, is still attempting to woo the object of his affection, schoolmate See Puay Sian, despite numberous indications from her that she isn't at all interested. 

"I tell you, I really don't know what to do," said Miss See, "I've said no so many times but he still doesn't get the hint." 

Mr Jin has apparently been waiting for Miss See between lectures and tutorials, offering to carry her books or "escort" her to her next lesson. 

He has also been leaving Post-It notes expressing his undying affection on her locker, leading to much embarassment to Miss See. 

"It's not so much the notes," she said, "As the fact that he douses them in that awful cheap cologne he wears. Can attract flies one." 

In addition, Mr Jin's campaign has involved the purchase of plush toys, flowers, the constant use of ICQ and email, as well as attempts to get to know her better by hanging out in the same places as her friends. 

"I'm sure he's a sweet guy and all that, but he's really starting to get on my nerves," continued Miss See, "I keep telling him, don't send me flowers, don't give me gifts, but they keep coming. Do you know I now have the complete set of Pokemon plush dolls? And he told my best friend he's going to move on to Digimon next. I don't even like Pokemon!" 

In an attempt to avoid Mr Jin, Miss See has changed her ICQ nick approximately fifteen to twenty times, to no avail. 

"I don't know how he does it," she sighs, "No matter how many times I change it, or even that time I switched to AOL Instant Messenger, he managed to track me down. Now everytime the incoming message sound comes on, I jump." 

When asked if she had told him point blank that she did not appreciate his intentions, she said, "I have! But he keeps saying that someday I'll appreciate him and he'll keep on reminding me until he does!" 

Miss See's friends are sympathetic to her plight. Her best friend, Miranda Huay, said, "It's really creepy. Every time we go out on Saturdays, he'll 'accidentally' bump into us. If we hang out at a particular McDonald's he gets a part-time job there. I've tried to tell him that Puay Sian isn't interested, but he just tries to get me to tell him her favourite colour." 

We also spoke to Mr Jin, a nondescript looking young man with thick glasses and a slight skin condition. 

He was in the middle of writing a love poem to Miss See, his room walls decorated with photographs of her, some taken with a telephoto lens. "Oh yes, she's told me several times to leave her alone. But I intend to wear down the fortress around her heart with my displays of love and affection." 

We asked him why he would not take no for an answer. 

He replied, "She doesn't really mean it. I know that inside she really likes me but is too shy to tell me. So she tries to push me away. The restraining order is just her parents' way of trying to keep us apart." 

And the fact that she got her brother's "369 Society" gang members to beat him up? 

"She's so playful," he grinned, "The little tease." 

And that she called him a dangerous psychotic stalking bastard with all the perceptiveness of a cement block?

"Such a wonderful vocabulary," he sighed, "You see why I love her so?" 

"I'm getting an attack dog," Miss See said.

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