Goon Dur Accuses Singapore of Being Heck Care
by Pak Cham Kai

President Goon Dur of Goondunesia attacked Singapore yesterday for insensitivity.

President Bodurrahman Tahid, who is popularly known as Goon Dur, accused Singapore of being only concerned with making money and not being concerned with Goondunesia's progress.

"We asked Singapore last week whether it wanted to hang out with my kawan-kawan Papua New Guinea and East Timor," said President Goon Dur. "But it mumbled something about being busy and having to work late, lah, got early teleconference, lah."

"Not say I say what," he continued. "But it's been a very long time since we've, uh, initiated relations. We're beginning to suspect that maybe Singapore is having an affair. Maybe with China or America."

A tear began to trickle down President Goon Dur's cheek. "I know, lah. China has much bigger assets, not like us... our treasury chest is all flat. And America is so glamourous and sophisticated, not like us, so ulu-fied. But you know, I thought we had a special relationship, what! How can Singapore be so atas?"

When confronted, Singapore conceded that there had been problems for some time with its relationship with Goondunesia.

"Basically, she's a very needy country," said Foreign Ministry spokesman Chuay Pak Lang. "Forever asking for a lot of attention.  I mean, Singapore works very hard to see to Goondunesia's needs.  Just last year, we gave her donno how many million dollars! Not enough, meh? We really don't know what it'll take to satisfy her."

Singapore expressed resentment at the fact that Goondunesia was very quick to make a big scene about imagined slights.

"Sure, we've been seeing a lot of China lately," said Mr. Chuay. "But it's been completely platonic. We're just, uh, exploring the contours of each other's economies. Goondunesia is too bloody suspicious!"

President Goon Dur was contemptuous of Singapore's response. "Like real! Just last week at the Asean summit, Singapore and China were openly grappling with each other's trade issues. In front of me some more!  They clearly have no concern for our feelings!"

"Neh'mine," he sniffed. "We can also establish ties with other countries. Our kawan-kawan Malaysia says she can introduce us to someone who'll appreciate us more. Maybe hunky Australia or New Zealand. They're much, uh, bigger than Singapore some more. If Singapore gets jealous, then see how they feel!"

"It looks like President Goon Dur is determined to be blind to reality," said Mr. Chuay. "And being blind is always one step away from being dumb as well."

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Nanyang Terminator University - The Real Aim of NTU's New Life Sciences College
by Kai Si Min

The aim of Nanyang Technological University's new multi-million-dollar College of Life Sciences (CLS) was revealed yesterday. 

"The curriculum will be a fusion of mathematics, computer science, engineering and life sciences," said CLS interim dean Prof. Seow Loh Koon. "Put these subjects together, and what you get... are cyborgs!"

"Cool," chorused the student body, as Prof. Seow rubbed his hands in manic glee, his wild eyes lighting up.

"The government has made life sciences a priority, because of its far-reaching implications," grinned Prof. Seow, with his unruly white hair. "For example, we need more manpower.  Cyborgs make a tireless, powerful workforce!  We need solid defence capabilities. Just see whether the Malaysian and Indonesian armies can withstand an onslaught of indestructible killing machines!"

Prof. Seow then announced that CyberDyne Industries has generously donated a large sum of money to the CLS' endowment.  NTU will also be collaborating with CyberDyne to launch SkyNet, a computerised cyborg-controlling satellite.

"The research CLS will be conducting together with CyberDyne will be groundbreaking," said Prof. Seow. "We intend to take cybernetics to its highest levels of development."

"Who knows?" he continued, a little wistfully. "Someday, we may even be able to send our cyborgs back in time to successfully kill Sarah and John Connor."

Some academics urged caution at these developments.

Said Dr. Chin Hai Teck of NUS engineering faculty, "We must be careful that we don't accidentally launch a war between cyborgs and humans.  And anyway, what do we need cyborgs for? Singaporeans are already pretty robotic."

Criticisms like this seemed to annoy Prof. Seow, who sneered, "Just wait till we launch our prototype... then it'll be hasta la vista, baby!"

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In response to the "No Art Day" declared by local artists, the Ministry of Information and the Arts (MITA) has retaliated by banning all arty-farts for a day.

Under "No Fart Day", certain activities associated with the local arts scene will be made illegal for a single day, including:

The added prohibition against flatulence is simply for emphasis.

Said MITA spokesman Phang Boh Pooi, "We believe people should show more restraint in their art, and not just let any old thing come out.  And what better way than to suppress your own gases?"

Museums, concert venues, galleries and other artistic spaces will remain open, and people will be allowed to come in.  However, security will be on the lookout for poseurs, aesthetes and anyone suspected of being pretentious.

"We will look out for people who stick out their last fingers while drinking, who wear turtleneck sweaters or berets, or who wear vintage black spectacles," said Singapore Art Museum chief of security, Mr. Tankap bin Pondan.

Additionally, methane detectors will be installed at these artistic venues.  

"Farting per se is allowed. It's only arty farts that are illegal," said Mr. Phang. "This means farting in artistic spaces, or in an artistic or theatrical way."

When asked what farting in an artistic or theatrical way meant, Mr. Phang grimaced, then activated a video presentation.

Some local artists were inflamed by MITA's move.  At a gathering of prominent arty farts at the Substation, the atmosphere was clearly explosive.

"This is an intolerable infringement of our freedom of expression," said Mr. Smell'fian bin Fa'at of the Necessary Stage. "First they stifle our art, now they're stifling our fart!"

Ms.Chia Gah Lek of Theatreworks fumed, "This policy stinks!"

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Parents to be Graded in Assessing Child: MOE
by See Yao Kai

Singaporean parents are increasingly concerned and appalled at grades obsession and the corresponding pressure placed on children. However, they feel powerless to change as Singapore society still places a huge emphasis on exam scores.

The Ministry of Education recognises the dilemma Singapore parents face and are implementing a bold initiative to address it.

"To encourage well-rounded education, we've tried expanding the scope of assessing students to include non-academic areas and not just grades," said MOE spokesman Mr. Tuck Boey Kao to a parents' briefing yesterday. "But all it's led to is children being pressured to compete in even things like ECAs and P.E."

"We at the Ministry think that the source of this is parents not having the proper perspective on their children's life," said Mr. Tuck. "So we're going to start assessing the parents too."

Under the new scheme, each student will not only be assessed based on academics and extra-curricular activities, but parental performance as well.  This will entail annual independent evaluations of the level of guidance and care provided by each parent, including whether the parents are exerting too much pressure.  Parents will also be ranked.

"Parents shouldn't pressurize kids. That's the schools' job. So we're taking it back from parents," said Mr. Tuck. "And we're going to employ this pressure on the parents instead."

Parents were naturally less than enthusiastic about the announcement.

"What cock is this," said Mrs. Kah Gin Nah. "To make us lessen pressure on our kids, they want to increase it on parents? Like we're not under enough pressure pressurizing our kids."

Said Mr. Chin Tao Tiah, "Now must go and mug properly to be a solid parent oreddy."

"I'll take all necessary steps to achieve a good ranking," said Mrs. Chow Tai Tai. "Such as donating a swimming pool or something."

"Why just blame parents?" asked Mr. See Buay Song. "Why shouldn't the MOE be apportioned some blame for this kiasu-ness? After all, this obsession began to go into overdrive with their school rankings. And by increasing the scope of their assessments to include non-academic areas, they think they're furthering well-rounded education. But all it's actually doing is making kids compete in more things, and ensuring their lives become more and more unreal."

"Has anyone bothered to ask the kids about this?" continued Mr. Boey. "After all, they're the ones affected."

The MOE's Mr. Tuck scoffed at this. "What do they know? They're only children."

Mr. Tuck then ordered MOE staff to lead Mr. See to an undisclosed air-conditioned location near Whitley Road.

Not all the feedback was negative, however.  The new MOE initiative was warmly welcomed by the local tuition industry.

"Ho say ah!" beamed Mr. Ho Say Ah, president of Supermugger Tuition Agency. "We're happy to support whatever the Ministry does.  For example, by offering tuition classes in parenting."

Support was also voiced by the local mental health community. Said Dr. Seow Leow Lah, president of the Singapore Shrinks Society, "This policy will entrench Singapore as one huge mid-life crisis waiting to happen, and we look forward to doing a brisk business."

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Starbucks Targets Ah Pehs: Offers Coffee on Saucers
by Kway Tui

Ubiquitous American coffee chain Starbucks is targeting Singapore senior citizens. 

And in an effort to deflect the charge of cultural imperialism it attracted when it opened a cafe in Beijing's Forbidden City, it'll serve coffee in a traditional Singaporean way.

On saucers.

"Our market researchers showed that kopi tiams here invariably had several old men sitting inside, often for hours," said Starbucks Singapore representative Kwee Koh Pee.  "It made sense to target this demographic."

"The reports also showed that the old men often poured their coffee out on the saucers, and slurped directly from them," continued Mr. Kwee. "No doubt, the larger surface area of the saucer enables the coffee to cool to a drinkable temperature faster. What we can do is elevate the saucer-drinking experience."

What Ah Pehs can expect when they come to a Starbucks are a sophisticated environment, premium coffee blends, and a wider range of pastries than butter cookies stored in large glass bins.

Most people also know that Starbucks serves coffee in three sizes: tall, venti and grande. Starbucks' new saucer servings will have similarly pretentious foreign names: sottocoppa, vasto and gigantesco.

"We hope that Ah Pehs will find Starbucks to be a pleasant alternative to their kopi tiams," said Mr. Kwee.

TalkingCock took several Ah Pehs to a Starbucks, and asked them whether they would switch from their local haunts.

"How much for chi pueh (a cup)?" spat Mr. See Beh Lao, 81, as he inspected the price list. "Kum pooi, lah!"

Mr. Boh Gay Leow, 76, said, "Their kopi all got no condensed milk, one. Mana ho lim?"

However, Mr. Chee Ko Pek, 92, was more positive. "I'll definitely come here.  Here got a lot more teenage girls come in, not like my corner kopi tiam, only got ah soh one.  Some more their logo got naked woman. Woo-woo!"

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Fann Fans Demand Recount of Star Awards Ballots
by Shao Ji Fann

Who cares about Gore and Bush?  Singapore is now in the midst of its own voting debacle.

In a surprise upset, the erstwhile "princess of TCS" Fann Wong lost the title of most popular actress to veteran Chen Li Ping.

Apparently, there was some confusion concerning the telephone voting procedure. The last two digits of the hotline numbers had apparently been changed while the voting was in progress. This led many Fann fans to believe they had mistakenly voted for Liping instead of Fann.

Further, it was not a one-person-one-vote system, which potentially allowed ballot stuffing by fans.

However, TCS 8 has disputed any claims of unfairness. 

Mr Roy Leong, TCS 8's Assistant Manager, Network Programming and Promotions told the New Paper that they had published advertisements telling fans about the correct numbers by the second day of the nine-day tele-voting.

Besides, he said, "the figure is not so significant for the first two days of the telepoll. Our experience shows that the calls shoot up as the contest draws to a close."

Still, this does not appear to have appeased Fann fans, who have been vociferously claiming that Chen's fans have stolen the election.  In view of TCS' refusal to move, they are filing an action in the High Court demanding a manual recount of the votes.

"We will not rest until Fann occupies the position that is rightfully hers," said Ms. Lien Ah Huay.

Chen's fans, meanwhile, have begun calling Fann a sore loser, and castigating Wong's comments at the Star Awards, where she said she hadn't forgotten those who'd "accidentally" voted Chen. They are also filing a suit to block any recount.

Meanwhile, supporters of Zoe Tay have also been criticised as spoilers for eroding Fann's share of the vote.

"The resulting confusion is similar to what's happening out in Palm Beach County," said Mr. Al Koh.

"I agree," nodded Mr. George "Dubdew" Boo. "There they all talk about pregnant chads. Here, we all talk about impregnating Fann." 

"This is a scandal. A travesty of justice," said Mr. See Beh Beng, who when asked whether he really knew what 'travesty' meant, replied that it was a mix between 'tragedy' and 'dynasty'.

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