Story Archive 14

PAP Maps Out Bload Stlokes of Election Plan
by K.K. Cheow

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong announced at the People's Action Party conference last week that they were drawing up their election plans.

According to PAP election committee spokesperson Mr. Chin Teng Kok, this will be very much tied up with the government's concern for the future, hence its theme: "The Future Society".

Said Mr. Chin, "For a future, we must maintain a solid election. And we have unveiled the bload stlokes of the apploach that will enable us to make sure our leaders stay elect."

"First," said Mr. Chin. "You must glasp your member by its head, and pump it vigolously while thinking of a pletty woman. And bload stlokes, done slowly, is better than lapidly lubbing it."

"But be careful!" ejaculated Mr. Chin. "Because to gain an election is one thing. Sustaining it is another. We must be careful not to come too soon."

According to PM Goh, Rear-Admiral Teo Chee Hean will be spearheading what the party's vision will be for the election.

"The vision will plobably be someone like TCS actlesses Fann Wong or Zoe Tay," said Mr. Chin. "They have consistently ploven they can bling about a successful election."

"And upglading will again be a key part of our stlategy," announced Mr. Chin. "NTUC pharmacies in successful constituencies will be allowed to sell Viagla."

The PAP also intends to make sure that their elections are pro-family, and designed to engender renewal for the Party.

"By 2007," said Mr Chin. "Senior Minister Lee Kuan Yew will be 84 and PM Goh will be 66. Several other ministers will also be in their 60s. We cannot pledict whether they can still deliver elections."

Mr. Chin's final comments after a question and answer session were, "Speech impediment? What speech impediment?"

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.
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PM Goh Confirms Seat-Warmer Role in Parliament
by Lau Cheow

The Prime Minister's Office issued a press release confirming that it had installed brand-new seat-warmers in the toilets in Parliament House.

The reason given was that the air conditioning was often turned so high that MPs complained of chilly conditions in the toilets.

The seat-warmers were ordered by PM Goh personally and received rare approval from SM Lee: "I've often been misquoted in the past -- I never said that Chok Tong is a seat-warmer. What I said was that he needs a seat-warmer."

However when DPM Lee Hsien Loong tried them out, they were found to be too small as they were originally custom-fitted for the PM's anatomy.

"People have questioned me about the seat-warmer's role in government," said Mr.Goh, "and I always said that it was too cold in the toilets -- now I am quite pleased to be able to install them in the Parliament and Members can now enjoy being seated in comfort."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.
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PAP Tells Young People: Speak, We'll Listen - And Tape It All Down
by Kong Chiao Wei

The People's Action Party (PAP) Youth Wing is exhorting young Singaporeans to share their ideas, even those which aren't pro-PAP.

So they can tape it all down.

"The Internal Security Department's archive division is getting a bit the slow lately," said Youth Wing spokesman Mr. Nah Tze Yoof. "And most of the stuff we've got is from the same old people. We need to get some fresh views."

So the Youth Wing is spearheading the move to collate get new views and ideas, especially from the young.

And they don't just want comments agreeing with existing policies.

"Like that where got fun?" said Mr. Nah. "I mean, the ISD isn't interested in people who support the gah'men one, what."

One of the major aims in seeking new views is to help the gah'men innovate.

"We need to move with the times," said Mr. Nah. "What worked with previous generations may not work with the new generation of Singaporeans. For example, with so many people living and working in air-conditioned homes and offices, our air-con treatment may not be so effective anymore. So we need to find better ways. Maybe electric shocks, or tarantulas."

As part of the view-gathering initiative, the Youth Wing will organise dialogues, feedback meetings and focus groups to open more channels for young people to air their views.

"All monitored by the very latest in surveillance technology," beamed a proud Mr. Nah.

Further, a key part of the strategy will be the setting up of virtual communities and chatrooms.

As an incentive to go online with the Youth Wing, participants will be offered free chocolate chip cookies from Famous Amos.

"Fair, what," smiled Mr. Nah. "We give them cookies, while we plant cookies on them."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Singapore's Loudest Moaners and Groaners To Be Found in Geylang
by Pak Cham Kai

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong recently remarked that Singapore was a nation of moaners and groaners, and the most proficient of them all can be found in Geylang.

"You go to any house, especially the ones with the big house numbers all lit up, and nearly every room you'll hear someone moaning or groaning," said Mr. Kway Chin Char, a local resident. "Whereas other Singaporeans regard moaning as a national pastime, here in Geylang it's a profession."

And apparently, Geylangites moan even about the smallest things. Sometimes, especially about the smallest things.

"Must make customer feel good, mah," said a Geylangite who only wanted to be known as 'Ferrari'.

Further, it seems that moaning is common to Geylangites of all ages.

"The younger ones can overdo the moaning sometimes," said Mdm. Chin Tua Sia, who runs a small enterprise in Geylang Lorong 69. "So sometimes you have to wonder how sincere they really are. The older ones know how to time their moans and groans appropriately, and not just anyhow whack."

Interestingly, there are differences between how men and women moan and groan in Geylang.

"Men moan only at crucial moments," continued Mdm. Chin. "Whereas the women groan constantly."

So is it true, as some have maintained, that Singaporeans' moaning and groaning is just a sign of a more demanding society?

"Definitely," nodded Mdm. Chin. "The girls who moan a lot are always in demand."

Psychologists at NUH Prove That Ranking and Examinations Produce Better Breed of Lab Rats
by Lau Cheow

Adding to the controversy over school ranking and examinations among Singapore schoolchildren, a top NUH research team has found empirical evidence that supports the Ministry of Education's policy of ranking schools.

In experiments conducted with a sample of 1,211 laboratory rats, they were made to learn and memorise an increasingly difficult series of tests and problems. These tests were designed to improve their logical reasoning and mathematical ability. The results showed that ranking as well as graded rewards and punishments led to the development of a superior breed of rats.

The rats were ranked in terms of their ability to perform maze-solving tasks within a time limit. Those rats that performed well were streamed into different groupings. Groups that did well were rewarded with more food and allowed to view Tom and Jerry cartoons. Results of this ranking were made available to all rats who could, through a plexiglass screen, view the performance of succeeding cohorts of rats.

Short, sharp shocks were applied to rats who did not perform. They were further punished by being forced to view TCS12 animal documentaries, especially those featuring the predatory behaviour of large cats.

Itzhal Sachs, a visiting professor from Israel and the leader of the research team believes that the experiments on rats can be applied to Singaporean society as a whole, but specifically, has implications on how we raise our children.

"We have noticed in succeeding generations of lab rats exhibiting parental guidance behaviour geared to making sure their offspring continue to do well in these tests. Rats were seen to be inflicting punishment on their young rats if they did not learn or do well in lab examinations. They spent a lot of time making them undergo mock tests, and engaged experienced rats to tutor their offspring. They wanted their children to succeed and were willing to go to extreme lengths to do so."

Lab rats that ranked the best in performance were later put together in an enclosed environment to monitor their ability to perform in overcrowded, stress-filled situations. They showed that they could cope with higher
stress and discomfort levels, and were able to remember their exercises, solving mazes and running their exercise wheels with efficiency.

"People say that this is nothing more than a rat-race," remarked Dr. Sachs, "And that even if you win the rat-race, you're still a rat. Our results however, unequivocally show that given the constraints of the type of race, ranking and testing produces a superior form of rat."

There were, however, possible drawbacks to the regimen, Dr. Sachs admitted. Rats that were selected by ranking for examination performance tended to be suicidal and depressed when left alone. Many of these rats, as much as one in two, believed that life was 'not worth living'. Many rats could not adjust to a new environment, for example, when confronted by a threat such as being attacked by a predator (using video images), they tended to give in easily as they were not taught how to perform in such situations.

Despite these issues, the researchers will press on with further studies. "Our next goal is to explore how to develop creativity, risk-taking and a more entrepreneurial spirit in these rats."

Student Craps In Pants Over New 'A' Level Syllabus
by FeFe the Rubber Chicken

On Monday, a secondary 4 student in a local secondary school shat in his pants immediately after reading about the new syllabus which will be implemented next year in all junior colleges.

“Creativity? I thought that that was an artsy-fartsy arts stream thing,” said 16-year old Buay Zhi Dong who soiled his school’s signature white long pants after the shock of reading about the new syllabus had loosened his bowel muscles.

“I went into triple-science so that I could memorize my textbooks from cover to cover, run through my ten-year series thrice over and not have to waste neurons thinking about spurious things like how to apply what I have learnt.”

Zhi Dong, who will be attending a prestigious junior college next year by virtue of the 9 A1s that he had earlier obtained from his school’s O-Level pre-lim papers is not the only indignant one.

“Does that mean that the four A-Level ten year serieses that I have just finished for the third time won’t help me to think creatively?” wailed Lau Pee Sai, a secondary 2 student in a local secondary school.

When asked for his comment, Secretary for Education, Mr. Edison Sopramaniam said, “Everybody knows that creativity is fundamental to the future of our nation.”

When further pressed as to why this was so, Mr. Sopramaniam heard mumbling, “Don’t know. White Paper never say.”

The entire debacle was probably best summed up by Mr. Nya Liao Lah, a concerned parent. “They want our children to know what creativity is but never teach them, assessment book also don’t have. Win already, lor.”