Story Archive 15

Ministers' Pay Revised After Lee Boon Yang Caught Moonlighting As Hawker
by Pak Cham Kai

Junior ministers and top civil servants will get a pay rise from 1st January 2001.

The salary revisions came in the wake of a shocking Straits Times photograph taken of Ministry of Manpower Minister Dr. Lee Boon Yang moonlighting as a chai tao kway (carrot cake) hawker in Bukit Timah.

"Clearly, our ministers are not making enough," said Public Service Division spokesman Looi Boh Kow. "Pegging salaries to private sector earnings are plainly insufficient if government leaders are forced to take on second jobs."

And according to the PSD, Dr. Lee is not the only minister who's been forced to take on extra work to supplement their incomes:

After office hours, Minister Without Portfolio Lim Boon Heng does temporary clerical work in Shenton Way. Said Mr. Lim, "It's embarrassing, I know. But I really need the extra cash to get myself a portfolio. All my colleagues have one and I don't. Damn malu, one."

Minister for National Development Mah Bow Tan also has a side job: caddying on weekends at the Royal Selangor Golf Club in Kuala Lumpur.

"Obviously this is something I can't do in Singapore," said Mr. Mah. "But Malaysian big-wigs are willing to pay quite a bit for a Singaporean leader to carry their clubs, and more importantly, their balls. Every little bit helps."

Meanwhile, Minister for Education Rear-Adm (NS) Teo Chee Hean gives private tuition, while Minister for Home Affairs Wong Kan Seng has a lucrative babysitting sideline.

Said Mr. Wong, "I don't do it just for the supplementary income, of course. It's the job satisfaction as well. Because their babies all very cute."

When reporters visited Dr. Lee Boon Yang at his stall at Upper Bukit Timah food centre, he was doing a roaring trade, filling packet after packet of take-away orders.

"My customers like my chai tao kway because the pieces are extra chunky," smiled Dr. Lee as he wiped the sweat off his brow with the orchid garland draped round his neck. "We Ministers know how to pile it on thick."

The PSD's Mr. Looi said, "We must do more for our Ministers. We're now looking at pegging their salaries to people of comparable abilities and stature, such as George Soros and Bill Gates."

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PAP Selects 12 New Candidates From 'Right Generation'
by Coq Au Vin

The 12 new candidates that have been identified by the People's Action Party to stand for election as Members of Parliament are described to be men and women in their 30s and 40s from the "right generation."

People's Action Party First Assistant Secretary Deputy Prime Minister Brigadier General Lee Hsien Loong, voted the man whose full titles you could not say in one breath without asphyxiating at last year's Party Conference, spoke to reporters at a Christmas light-up ceremony.

"We were trying to identify who could lead Singapore into the 21st century. In the end, we chose the 'right generation' for us - the Next Generation."

Pressing a switch, a gleaming white model of the Starship Enterprise rose out of the top of the Oriental Hotel, the blow glow of her warp engines humming majestically.

At the same time, the candidates themselves stepped forward, resplendent in their Star Fleet uniforms and, in one case, a Klingon Honour Sash.

General Lee said that the 12 candidates represent the best and brightest the PAP - soon to be renamed the People's Action Federation of Planets - had to offer, representing a broad spectrum of Singaporeans and alien races, reinforcing the country's policy of racial harmony.

"However," he noted, "They are all alike in one respect. They are effectively bilingual, they can relate to the heartlanders, and they all carry phasers."

General Lee defended his choice, "Let's face it, the old Star Trek with Kirk was good, but it's old fashioned, the stories are now clichéd and you could see the wires on the space-ships. Nobody here has even heard of Deep Space Nine and Voyager is really crap. So the Next Generation has all the right qualities we're looking for. Except for maybe Seven of Nine. But we're looking to parallel import her."

General Lee said that what the PAFP valued of the 12 were their sense of commitment and command of Trek trivia.

"We don't care about their background. We look at what they've done, what they've achieved, whether they can identify a Star Trek episode just by watching the first ten seconds of it and rewire a plasma conduit on the verge of a warp core breach. That's the sort of innovation and vision that will set us on the road to the future."

Asked what the Deputy Prime Minister's wishes for the festive season were, he said, "Another good year with a stable environment, continued peace between the Federation and the Klingon Empire and more scantily clad alien women on the bridge."

Next Generation PAFP candidate Jean-Luc Phua concurred showing off his billingual skills by speaking in Klingon, right before General Lee and the 12 dematerialized in a shimmering transporter beam. "ghommaj taHjaj - Let the party endure. Make it so."

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Chee Soon Juan Almost Runs Marathon
by Coq Au Vin

Singapore Democratic Party Leader Chee Soon Juan marked Human Rights Day by almost running a 42-kilometer marathon from Whitley Road to Hong Lim Park.

It was discovered later that he actually only ran as far as the Pinetree Country Club before he took a "rest" and the remainder of the marathon was actually run by a lookalike.

"It counts!" Dr Chee insisted, resting by the pool while drinking down a jugfull of Glucolin.

The lookalike subsequently delivered a letter addressed to Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong protesting against the Internal Security Act.

The letter was handed over to the security guards, who said that it had to go through the usual channels.

When asked what channels those were, the guard indicated the slot marked "USUAL CHANNEL" behind which sounds of shredding could be heard.

Despite the police earlier refusing local political action group Think Center's request for a permit to hold a marathon, Dr Chee decided to go ahead anyway.

"It tests our resolve," he said, "The police said they anticipated law and order problems - this is to show them that they are wrong. A demonstration doesn't have to be one where we hurl rocks and bottles. It doesn't even have to be one where we run a marathon. Or a hunger strike. I'm telling you, it bloody counts!"

Activists from both organisations, including veteran opposition leader J.B. Jeyaretnam and political activist James Gomez, were at Speakers' Corner awaiting Dr Chee's arrival in a Comfort Cab taxi.

Wearing white T-shirts emblazoned with the words "Abolish ISA" and holding up a large banner bearing the same words, they took turns trying to persuade the noon-day crowd at Speakers' Corner that the Government was denying Singaporeans their rights by keeping the ISA.

"It was amazing," said onlooker Mr Mai Jee Seow, "Until I actually heard them talk, I did not realize how the existence of a law that allows the government to put people behind bars without a trial, with absolutely no consitutional safeguards against abuse and not even the possibility of judicial review could be a violation of my rights. This had never occured to me before!"

A spokesman for the Prime Minister's Office said, "We are grateful to Dr Chee and Mr Jeyaratnam for pointing out to us the implications of the Internal Security Act. We had no idea of the impact of this law on the basic freedoms of Singapore. As a democratic society, we are of course very concerned about the unbridled power we have inadvertently given ourselves and we will be looking seriously into reform."

It was not possible to tell, at press time, who was being more sarcastic.

In other news, Mr Jeyaratnam issued a statement calling on the Government to abolish the Internal Security Act and to ratify all articles of the United Nations conventions on human rights and civil liberties.

Minister of Home Affairs Wong Kan Seng issued a brief statement which read, "Yeah, like real."

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NTU Unveils World's Largest Wireless Bra Network
by Ken Tuck Kee

As part of their drive to create the world's largest wireless-campus network, Nanyang Technology University (NTU) has decided to expand their plans to include wireless brassieres.

"We're going all out to be wireless. And laptops and PDAs aren't the only things that come in wireless mode," said NTU Deputy Vice-Provost Nena Pok. "Bras also come in wireless form, and NTU is determined to keep abreast of technological advances."

From June next year, all female undergraduates will be issued brassieres with plastic wings for uplift instead of underwire.

The bra incorporates a cradle of two flexible plastic bands sewn into the cup, instead of the wires which women complain dig into their chests and lower arms, and also detach in the wash.

"I think it's a great move on the part of NTU," said Ms. Tetek bte Besar, an electronics engineering undergrad. "When they say they want to provide comprehensive wireless support, they really mean it."

Business undergraduate Aureole Lai, 19, agreed: "By not confining wireless applications to just electronics, NTU is addressing the rift between the electronic and mechanical engineering disciplines. It basically nips the cleavage in the bud."

Male undergrads do not feel left out by this new policy.

Said Mr. Wang Kow Peng, 21, "We intend to study them, I mean it, I mean them, very closely."

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Radio Station Edits Rally News
by Coq Au Vin

NewsRadio 93.8 FM was accused of editing a report which included a speech by Non Constituency Member of Parliament J.B. Jeyaratnam.

Local activist group Think Centre, who organised the Human Rights Day protest with the Open Singapore Centre, said that RCS had edited Mr Jeyaratnam's reading aloud a letter to Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong beyond recognition.

Think Centre, which organised the Human Rights Day protest with the Open Singapore Centre, said that when the station first aired the report it featured Non-Constituency Member of Parliament J.B. Jeyaretnam reading a letter to Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong, demanding the abolition of the Internal Security Act.

Initially, Mr Jeyaratnam was heard to say, "I believe that the Internal Security Act is a prime example of oppressive legislation designed to suppress positive political speech and a violation of the most basic human rights which the Government is pledged to support and protect. It will soon lead to disaster and should be retired forthwith."

An hour later, the report was aired again with Mr Jeyaratnam saying, "I... support... the Internal Security Act... which... is a prime example of... positive... legislation... to... protect... basic human rights... and... I... will... be retired... soon."

However, Radio Corporation of Singapore executive Teah Buay Teo denied the allegation strenuously.

"It's still recognisable as Mr Jeyaratnam," Mr Teah said, "So Think Centre's accusation that it's unrecognisable is completely ridiculous. Yes, there was some editing, but that's always necessary to add a little punch and pizazz to radio broadcasts."

It was pointed out to Mr Teah that the message that Mr Jeyaratnam was trying to impart had been completely distorted.

"But so much improved," Mr Teah insisted, "The original was such a downer. 'will soon lead to disaster', 'oppressive legislation', 'suppress human rights' and all that. This is the Christmas season! Time to be jolly and happy and best wishes for the new year!"

"Besides," he added, with an impish grin, "I'm sure deep down inside that's what that old Grinch Mr Jeyaratnam really meant."

Woman Jailed For Harbouring Illegals
by Coq Au Vin

In a statement given by the Singapore Police force, it was revealed that the first 10 months of this year saw the arrests of 14,000 immigration offenders, compared to last years' total of 17,000 arrests.

This, Police Commissioner Mah Tah Chia said, was an unacceptably high figure.

To combat the tide of cheap labour coming into the country which forms the backbone of the construction industry without which the latter could not possibly survive since no Singaporean would be caught dead earning that little, the police plan to cut off these illegal workers' source of shelter by arresting more people who are found to harbour these illegals.

This comes after a 52-year-old hairdressing salon-owner was jailed for 6 months by the Courts on Monday for harbouring illegal immigrants.

The Court had no option but to impose this harsh sentence because it is the minimum proscribed by legislation.

Police said Wong Yoon Leng was arrested after police raided her shophouse and found four Chinese nationals there, three who were illegal immigrants and the fourth an overstayer.

Police said Wong rented out the unit to them without verifying the authenticity of their photocopied Work Permits with the purported employers or the Manpower Ministry.

She also did not check the permits' particulars against those in the passports.

"We will continue to hold these landlords to an impossibly high standard of care," said the police, "We don't care if they rent out the flat and it is then sub-let without their knowledge. You never check, you kena. You check and the fake work permits are so high class nobody can tell from the real thing, you also kena. You don't have access to Ministry of Manpower database you also kena. He pang sai there one time, you also kena. As long as we find them in your house, you sure kena. Understand?"

When asked what was the point of putting these people in jail, the police replied that to do so was to cut off the illegal immigrants' source of housing.

When it was pointed out to them that this would simply deter home-owners from ever renting out the flat to anybody, legitimate or not, the police replied, "It's like the philosophy behind the SAF Poncho. Other ponchos try to be waterproof to keep the rain off you. But the SAF poncho is different. It is actually water absorbent - it soaks up water so fast so the water never touches you. See?"

When asked further what this meaningless and completely useless analogy had to do with illegal immigrants, the police made veiled suggestions to air-conditioned rooms.

The police vowed to continue arresting harbourers and putting them behind bars as Parliament intended, punishing the landlords until the illegal immigrants got the message.

"Despite the fact that the number of arrests of illegal immigrants has actually risen since we have stepped up our enforcement activities against these landlords, we and Parliament remain convinced that before a starving foreigner desperate for work and a better life for his family decides whether to enter Singapore illegally he considers the availability of housing as a top priority."

Singaporeans Willing To Donate 'Appropriate' Organs
by Pak Cham Kai

After a global Internet poll conducted by 3Com revealed last week that less than 1 in 10 Singaporeans would be willing to part with their organs to save the lives of others, Singaporeans have been calling the TalkingCock hotline to correct the perception of themselves as 'heartless'.

"We are willing to donate organs," said Mr. Mai Ho Ee, 28, an engineer. "It's just a question of which organ."

Apparently, Singaporeans are loathe to part with hearts, livers and kidneys, but it's a different matter as far as testicles are concerned.

"No problem," said Mr. Mai. "Take! Take as many as you want."

This sentiment was echoed by many other callers.

"Sure, I'm absolutely willing to donate my gonads," said Mr. Wah Boh Chee, 34, a specialist with the SAF bomb disposal unit.

However, this generosity was revealed to have a darker side, when the motivation for this willingness to part with their manhood had to do with the widely held belief that "We Singaporeans are ball-less anyway."