Story Archive 16

Young PAP Calls for Fresh Blood
by Lay Mong Chi and Lau Cheow

The People's Action Party is on the hunt for fresh blood all the time, not just in the run-up to elections, confirmed the PAP's Head of Recruitment.

"Ve alvays thirst for new blood", said Mr Vlad Chiah See Lang, affectionately known as the Head Hunter. "Our appetite is...insatiable."

The charismatic spokesperson, immaculately dressed as always, was his usual entrancing self during the evening press conference.

"Vithout regular intakes of fresh blood, ve vould grow veak", said Mr Chiah, in his charming hypnotic style. "Blood nourishes us. Ve need a continual supply of new blood to survive. Blood...is life itself."

The PAP's need to replenish itself is clear: new blood is needed to ensure the vibrancy of the political leadership. However, the people have not been forthcoming as many have observed how joining the PAP tends to turn outspoken, vibrant people into lifeless drones apparently capable of doing little more than mindlessly repeating policy statements. Even those who don't join the PAP, but have any encounter with them often emerge drained and ruined.

"Some people have suggested that the PAP vould not need to keep searching for new blood all the time if it didn't keep sucking all the life-force out of the people of Singapore", said Mr Chiah. "That reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of how the PAP operates."

"The policy of holding back is not our vay. Singapore is a free-market economy. Consistent vith capitalistic principles, ve consume...relentlessly. Ve also operate under the principle of meritocracy. In other vords, the strong should prevail over the veak."

"And ve are the strong", grinned the Hunter, showing his prominent upper cuspids. "So ve prey on the veak and ve go for the kill."

"Blood! Fresh blood! Ah ha ha ha ha!" Mr Cheah suddenly burst out, as unexpectedly out of the clear night sky, lightning flashed and thunder boomed. According to some eyewitnesses, the lightning was seen by many as blood red, set within a blue penumbra, but this could not be independently corroborated at press time.

The PAP is also hedging its bets. If not enough new blood is found, contingency plans are afoot to divert organ donations to the PAP leadership.

"If there is no blood, flesh will have to do. Surely there is no greater patriotism than giving your flesh to your leaders," said Mr Chiah. "Ve need livers, lungs, and kidneys. But ve don't see any need for hearts."

After the press conference, Mr Chiah and his entourage mingled with journalists in the refreshment area, but didn't partake of any of the food or beverages, preferring to only drink a thick red liquid which they had brought themselves.

"Rose syrup, of course", answered Mr Chiah, when asked what was in his goblet. "Vhat did you think it vas?"

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.
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PAP Survey Finds That Singapore Youths Are Assholes
by Pak Cham Kai

According to a survey conducted by the PAP Youth Wing, who recently launched the Young PAP 21 movement to reach the hearts and minds of young Singaporeans ahead of the General Election, most Singapore youths are 'assholes'.

"After an in-depth survey merging both statistical and qualitative data," said Youth Wing spokesman Nah Tze Yoof. "We have concluded that they're damn sia lan."

Here are some of the significant findings of the survey of over 500 young people between the ages of 15 and 29:

9 in 10 young Singaporeans refused to speak to Youth Wing surveyors
"This was even after we lied to them that we wouldn't actually be taping their responses down and putting them in an ISD file," said Mr. Nah, shaking his head. "This cynicism is terrible. What will they believe next? That SingTel shares aren't worth very much?"

10 out of 10 young Singaporeans believe Youth Wing people to be sah kah tzuahs.
"Some of them even made a three-fingered gesture at us!" said Mr. Nah, sounding a little hurt. "Clearly, young people here are not very sophisticated in their thinking if they think it's sycophantic to wholeheartedly support the only political organization in the hopes of rising to a position of influence!"

	8 out of 10 young Singaporeans would rather clean out the Bukit Gorblok Hawker Centre pay toilet with a toothbrush than join Young PAP 21. "We're cool. Honest," blubbered Mr. Nah, adjusting his thick black spectacles whose bridge had been mended with masking tape. "It shows how warped our youth are if they value things like good naturedness over 10 A1s at 'O' Level and 4 As at 'A' level. When did a sense of humour ever get you a PSC scholarship? Ha? Ha?"
	6 out of 10 young Singaporeans aspire to leave the country for greener pastures. "Apparently, this is due to the commonly held misperception that to truly make it in Singapore, one has to be a toadie," said Mr. Nah, carrying the Prime Minister's golf balls.
	Singaporean youths are overwhelmingly still very sexually conservative. When asked whether they would be willing to have sex with a Young PAP member, most said they would rather milk a spider.

"I think these are very, very disappointing findings," said Mr. Nah. "I mean, in just two decades, they will inherit Singapore and determine the country's progress into the 21st century. How can they possibly do well if they don't think exactly like us here at the PAP?"

To combat this disturbing assholic trend, the Young PAP 21 is tabling a bill which proposes that all apathetic young Singaporeans be forced to sew symbols on their clothes and trucked to camps where they will be gassed.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Project Eyeball Registers Readership of One Eyeball: Survey
by Pak Cham Kai

An independent survey released last week revealed that Singapore Press Holdings' paper/website aimed at net-savvy young Singaporeans registered a readership of a single eyeball.

"It's entirely within our targeted daily circulation expectations," said Eyeball Deputy Vice-Editor Eartha Benson, somewhat huffily. "That's why we're called 'Project Eyeball', and not 'Project Eyeballs'."

During its launch, Project Eyeball was said to be aimed at opinionated Singaporeans who would read the paper (which costs a whopping 80 cents) and then post their opinions online.

"Singaporeans. Opinions. Q.E.D.," said Associate Professor Kwah Poh Chua of NTU's Department of Media Studies. "Who did their market research?"

"Eyeball had also said at their launch that they aimed to present edgy, provocative and controversial views," continued Prof. Kwah. "However, the Editor in Chief had also said that in doing so, they did not want to attract "nutters". So much for their aim."

The eyeball that Project Eyeball attracted belongs to one Chia Sior Eng, 18, who is waiting to enter National Service.

"I'm si beh eng at the moment, that's why I got time to read and post views online," said Sior Eng, nonchalantly squeezing a zit. "Some more, I got no girlfriend."

As for what he uses his other eyeball for, Sior Eng replied, "Checking out porn sites, lor."

The Only Way Is Up: Khoo Swee Chiow's New Challenge
by Kway Png

After scaling the Seven Summits (the highest peaks in Asia, Africa, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica and the Americas), Singapore adventurer Khoo Swee Chiow is planning his next challenge.

"He came home that time, hor," said one of his aunties, Madam Khoo Chin Tiah, "He like damn sian-sian like that. Whole day watch TV and eat potato chip."

"I knew it was because he felt restless, having conquered his dreams," said fellow climber Khee Sua Teng. "At one point, he was so sian he climbed his fridge and TV cabinet."

However, it looks like Mr. Khoo has found a new outlet for his adventurous spirit.

"What with the looming downturn in the global economy, it was very difficult to get funding for large, overseas expeditions," he said. "I had to find a challenge in Singapore. And I've already done Bukit Timah, Bukit Gombak and Mount Faber. So what other local peaks haven't I scaled? And then it hit me!"

Mr. Khoo now intends to ride the lift to the top floor of Singapore's highest buildings.

"I'm very excited," said Mr. Khoo. "The Compass Rose is supposed to provide breathtaking views. And apparently from the summit of UOB Plaza, there is an ATM! However, I understand that Republic Plaza could be treacherous, what with all these marauding fat cats who inhabit the Tower Club."

Mr. Khoo is hoping to raise the sum of $450.32 to cover cab fare between buildings, and possibly a meal at the Compass Rose.

"Aiyah, time for him to settle down, lah," said Madam Khoo. "Climb every mountain, ford every stream. He think he who? Julie Andrews, is it?"