Hello Kitty Files For Divorce
by Coq Au Vin

In the wake of media allegations that her long-time companion and common-law husband, Dear Daniel, is secretly a bigamist, local plush toy superstar Hello Kitty has filed a divorce petition in the Family Courts of Singapore.

The petition, in addition to alleging that Dear Daniel had, last year, also married several other plush toy cats of different ethnic origins, also brings up charges of depraved sexual demands that Dear Daniel made on Hello Kitty, including demands for oral sex.

Oral sex is considered by Singapore law as unnatural and illegal unless as a prelude to natural sexual relations.

Dear Daniel has denied the allegations, and in addition has filed his own cross-petition, naming Hello Kitty's long-time friend Snoopy as the third party in a suit based on grounds of adultery.

Snoopy has been constantly seen in Hello Kitty's company these past weeks since the revelations of her husband's infidelity have been exposed in the press, but the two insist that they are "just good friends."

"Good friends my foot," sneered Dear Daniel in an impromptu press conference held outside the Family Courts at Paterson Road, "That doggy is definitely licking my pussy. I long time ago suspected oreddy, but only a few weeks ago I got the photos to confirm. When I threatened to divorce her if she didn't end the affair, the chow ah neow go and file her petition, lor."

Asked about the allegations of sexual deviancy, Dear Daniel denied those vigourously. "How can I ask her for oral sex when she got no mouth?" he countered, "I got eyes I cannot see meh? You think I seow or what?"

Dear Daniel had no comment about the bigamy charges which are also under investigation since Hello Kitty made a police report, saying that all questions concerning that should go to his divorce attorneys, Tee Toh & Partners.

This has not been a good week for the plush toy industry.

Coming hard on the heels of the Hello Kitty-Dear Daniel scandal, BadBatzMaru has been charged in court for being drunken in a public place.

His colleague, PandaBa, was caught in her ballet outfit while soliciting for customers at Desker Road.

Kerropi the frog was also recently arrested for trafficking in hallucinogenic drugs made from toads, and Pochacco, an avowed vegan and known anti-meat activist, was among those arrested during a protest march outside an abattoir.

There has been no comment from Mimmy, Hello Kitty's twin sister, who owns a biscuit factory in Toa Payoh. However, it is rumored that she has been seen in Dear Daniel's company as well.

Talkingcock.com will continue to monitor this breaking story and will continue with updates as it progresses.

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Singapore Passes Three-Quarter Bag/Bottle/Vial/Syringe Rule
by Hen of God

To beat the rising cost of health-care in Singapore, senior citizens have devised an ingenious procedure – buy medicine from across the Causeway.

But not for long.  Unfortunately for these old people, Parliament has passed legislation that as of 1 January 2001, all senior citizens travelling across the Causeway will be checked to ensure that any medical bag/bottle/vial/syringe they carry will be at least three-quarters full. 

These secret practices of the old in Singapore would not have come to light if not for the Feedback Unit dialogue session held with senior citizens in Hong Kan GRC in late October.  

“The prompt passing of this legislation shows that the Feedback Unit is really effective” said the mayor of Hong Kan GRC, Boh Sai Pang.

When TalkingCock.com reporters paid a visit to Causeway last weekend, it became obvious that this new legislation would require a great amount of persistence to succeed.  

There were long lines at the Causeway as every senior citizen was stopped by vigilant customs officers who had undergone 2 weeks of training to spot people trying to beat the three-quarter medical bag/ bottle/ vial/ syringe rule. 

“Some senior citizens are very tricky,” said customs officer Chek Yaw Kah. “They bring in Ribena bottles and try to bring them out filled with cough syrup.  In the first week of the rule, many of them started coming back through Causeway with little black square plastic bags.  We thought they were illegal VCDs but when we opened the bags, they were things like Panadol, and Vitamin C.”

Yesterday, the Ministry of Health spokesman issued a warning against senior citizens trying to beat the system: “It is not safe to buy drugs from unregulated vendors across the Causeway.  You need a doctor’s prescription to make sure that the drugs do not affect you adversely.  Besides, if you are caught, we will not upgrade your flat.”

In the mean time, the new ruling has also ruffled some feathers across the Causeway.  

If the three-quarter medical bag/ bottle/vial/syringe rule is effective, the pharmaceutical industry in Malaysia stands to lose millions of dollars.  

In retaliation, Malaysian government spokesman  Mr. Mohd. Jual Bin Koyok announced during the wee hours of this morning, “We will cut off your water supply.”  

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MOE: Teachers To Set Example and Get Tekong Crewcut
by K.K. Cheow

As schools express dismay about the increasing use of hair dye by schoolchildren, the Ministry of Education has intervened with a new directive: all teachers are to get a short-cropped hair style a la Pulau Tekong national servicemen.

"It's not surprising that schoolchildren are dyeing their hair more," said MOE spokesman Col (NS) Kah Tao Mor. "Everyday, they see their teachers in all sorts of hairstyles, many with hair dyed brown, looking very tai-tai. So of course they also begin thinking they are allowed to look like individuals, lah. How can?"

"We need teachers to set an example to the kids," continued Col (NS) Kah. "By keeping their hair black, and after that, getting an appropriate haircut."

And the haircut that the MOE deems appropriate is the Pulau Tekong crewcut.

"A military cut is the most appropriate," said Col (NS) Kah. "Because in setting examples, we look to the leaders, and our leader is a military man."

Many teachers interviewed by TalkingCock.com expressed dismay at the moves.

"I how long leave NS oreddy and now must cut the Duck Backside again?" snorted Mr. Chow Chin Kin, a P.E. teacher at Bukit Gorblok Secondary, referring to the distinguishing characteristic of the Tekong cut: the little tuft of hair that is kept in the front.

"Die lah," said Mrs. Say Sham Poo, physics teacher at Liver Belly High. "Cut that sort of hair style, my husband sure run off with his secretary oreddy."

Col (NS) Kah dismissed the teachers' reservations. "They'll simply have to put the interests of the children first.  All these teachers don't appreciate the hard work and deep thought we put into this initiative."

"I mean, it takes brains to come up with an innovative solution to the issue of hair," smiled Col (NS) Kah. "Why, the Teachers' Union unanimously agreed that it was a hair-brained scheme!""

"Besides," he concluded. "If they don't like it, they can just knock it down twenty."

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Opposition Parties Expect Elections To Be Called
by Coq Au Vin

Opposition parties in Singapore are expecting the general elections to be called this year.

More specifically, the names they expect opposition candidates to be called are, "useless," "subversive," "radical", "dangerous", and "boh tuah boh suay."

Some of them have found the Speakers' Corner to be a a good outlet for voicing their concerns, and for electioneering.

The National Solidarity Party (NSP) had its first gathering there on Friday. Four members were subsequently wheeled away with acute cases of laryngitis after an afternoon of speaking to a gathered crowd above the traffic noise without the aid of microphones.

"National Solidarity Party?" said one onlooker as the gathering broke up, "I thought they were selling Chinese medicine. I was wondering why they weren't stripped to the waist and performing feats of qi gong."

The NSP, as it turned out, was trying out the Speakers' Corner as a venue to reach out to the public, and also to sell its book, "Publish or Perish" which covers the censorship of opposition parties in Singapore.

Outspoken writer and political scientist James Gomez wrote the introduction to the book and edited the English language version. Balancing on a makeshift soapbox of two white, plastic buckets, Gomez then proceeded to do a death-defying handstand, followed by a triple somersault and a sword-swallowing act while making a ventriloquist dummy speak his words for him.

"In Singapore you are free to publish and there is freedom of expression," the dummy said. "But you cannot have freedom after expression."

The dummy then chuckled to itself. "Freedom after expression. That's a pretty good line. Publish that. That's funny. Freedom after expression. Heh heh."

It was also recently reported that the Singapore Democratic Party was building up its own youth wing.

Deputy Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong commented: "..they've got a label, but what is underneath that label? Let's see, show us where the members are."

The PAP's as yet unindentified 12-member New Generation candidates had no comment.

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Foreign Talent Sacked For Not Showing Birth Cert 
by Lay Mong Chi 

A legally-employed China national has been dismissed from his job for refusing to show his birth certificate to his employer. 

Mr Zhong Guoren, a software engineer employed less than a month ago by Mouldy Industries, was asked by his employer to produce his China birth certificate when he applied for a day's leave. 

When he declined to do so, his services were terminated by the company. 

"If they wanted to check documents, they should have done so before they employed me, not three weeks after", said Mr Zhong. "In any case, I have a valid employment pass. Why should I have to produce my birth certificate? 

"What will they want to see next?" asked Mr Zhong. "My marriage certificate? A baptism certificate?" 

This incident comes just days after an Indian Singaporean was fired from her job after refusing, on principle, to show her birth certificate. In that prior incident, Indian employees had apparently been singled out for additional document checks, but not Chinese or Malay ones. 

In an informal survey conducted by Talkingcock.com, employees of Mouldy Industries confirmed that the request for additional documents had been made to only Mandarin-speaking Chinese staff. 

Employees of other races or Chinese employees fluent in English had not been asked to produce their birth certificates or any other documents. 

When contacted, a spokesman for Mouldy Industries said merely, "All companies have their own rules and regulations. We have our own policies". 

The company declined further comment, and directed other enquiries to the Ministry of Manpower instead. 

As expected, the Ministry of Manpower's only statement released in response was an impersonal and longwinded recitation of boilerplace bureaucratese, without a single direct reference to the case in question. 

However, Mr Chin Tan Lui, a PR working in Singapore, was willing to offer his opinion about the probable reasoning behind the policy. 

"When companies hire a foreign talent, they want to be sure that they get a genuine foreign talent", explained Mr Chin. "Not some second-class local talent instead." 

"As you know, there are syndicates which churn out fake employment passes and work permits for illegal workers. They can just as easily produce fake IDs for Singaporeans who want to pass themselves off as foreigners." 

"It is well known that demand for foreign talent is higher than for local candidates, for obvious reasons. Hence there is probably a big problem with citizens unfairly taking jobs away from PRs." 

"When this happens, it's not fair to the foreign talent and it's certainly not fair to the employers who unwittingly hire the local impersonators and don't get their money's worth." 

Mr Jiang Huayi, a university researcher, and also a PR, agreed with Mr Chin. 

"Some Chinese Singaporeans pretend to be China nationals and go to great lengths to keep up appearances", said Mr Jiang. "As it happens, one incident happened right here not too long ago." 

"There was this fellow in another department once tried it, speaking only 'Shing-Shang-Shong' Mandarin at work, as best he could. He took care to avoid me--I would have spotted him as a fake immediately--but he managed to fool his colleagues and his superiors." 

"One day, he told his department head that he was taking leave to return to China for a family visit. It was approved and he left for his vacation. Imagine his department head's surprise when, while driving home one day, he spotted the guy wearing an army uniform, waiting at a bus stop." 

"He had actually been serving his reservist in-camp training all the while", laughed Mr Jiang. "And it also turned out that he was quite capable at speaking English. Fluently too." 

"Of course, that was the end of him. If the university had done a document check, his scam would have been discovered very quickly and got rid of, and the money that would have been paid to him could have gone to an actual PR instead." 

"So this shows the appropriateness of asking suspect employees for birth certificates or other documents to prove their status." 

But to Mr Zhong, who lost his job over a personal stand on principle, this is exactly what makes the practice unacceptable. 

"I can understand the concern of the employers about false documents", he said. "But for them to insist on checking only the Chinese employees, that's pure discrimination." Showing his naivety, he asked, "Isn't Singapore supposed to be a country that doesn't practice discrimination?"

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