Story Archive 19

Singapore to Have New National Anthem
by Coq Au Vin and Pak Cham Kai

Following the Ministry of Information and the Arts' move to make the National Anthem easier to sing, Singaporeans may be looking forward to a new National Anthem altogether.

Last week, a new, more singer-friendly version of the Majulah Singapura, or "the Marikita song" as the National Anthem is more popularly known, was unveiled. With harmonies and orchestration re-worked by Singaporean composer Phoon Yew Tien, the biggest change was its lowering in pitch from G major to F.

"The old National Anthem had some uncomfortably high notes," said P.E. teacher Mr. Hum Sup Loh. "I used to have to stand behind my students and squeeze their testicles. Just to help them hit the right pitch, of course."

However, having a reworked Majulah Singapura is just the beginning.

"We want to make the Singapore Anthem something all Singaporeans can relate to," said MITA spokesperson
Kua Kuah Kio, "Something that is instinctive, something ingrained into their hearts, that they can immediately pick up on. Something, in other words, they can hum."

"Let's face it," said Ms Kua, "The National Anthem as it stands isn't all that familiar to Singaporeans. In
the old days we used to hear it every morning as the television programs started and at night when the program for the day finished. Now with 24 hour programming, we hardly hear it anymore."

Ms. Kua also noted that the meaning of the lyrics of the National Anthem remains a mystery to most non-Malay Singaporeans.

"Semua kita berseru," sang Singalongam Lingam, 17, of Hong Kan Junior College. "It means to travel from Muar to Desaru by guitar. I think."

"I just memorized the whole thing phonetically," said Boey Kee Leow, a Sec. 4 student at Bukit Gorblok Secondary School. "We Singaporeans are very good at that."

Hence, MITA has announced that the new National Anthem, to take official status this coming National Day, will be "Chan Mali Chan".

"Chan Mali Chan," continued Ms. Kua, "Is something we all know from childhood, and it's a part of the community
singing spirit we've been all raised on."

The choice of 'Chan Mali Chan' was also made after extensive surveys amongst Singaporeans. However, 'Chan Mali Chan' was in fact not amongst the top people's choices at all.

The top nominations were 'Bengawan Solo', 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and "Ai Piah Chia Eh Yia".

Ms Kua looked doubtful, "After re-examining our survey figures and adjusting for sarcasm, we made an executive decision to disregard the people's choices altogether. 'Chan Mali Chan' was finally chosen because that was the one song where every single member of the Cabinet knew the lyrics."

MITA will be releasing free karaoke CD-ROMs to all households to allow them to re-experience the old children's favourite.

"The timing needs to be important as well. We want everyone to remember exactly where to come in on the 'Oi! Oi!' after 'Chan Mali Chan'. That way it's so much punchier."

Not everyone interviewed by TalkingCock was immediately enthusiastic about 'Chan Mali Chan' as the National Anthem.

"The lyrics are weird: 'Di mana dia, anak kambing saya'?" said Mr. Mohd Seolah bin Menyanyi. "That means, 'Where is he, that little goat of mine?' "

"I think I know where he is," he continued, eyes lighting up. "Didn't I vote him in the last election?"

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Singapore Now Has More Newspapers Than News
by Kway Png

With three new newspapers hitting the stands last year, Singapore now has more newspapers than news.

"I really, really needed to know about Chen Liping's surprise upset over Fann Wong during the Star Awards," said Mr. Takmau bin Bacar, 34. "Really."

"We're such a bleddy small country, and look at all these newspapers. All say the same thing, all rehashing stuff from the same wire services. Even some of the adverts are the same," agreed Mr. Quah Kao Sian, 42. "And the papers are so desperate, they'll report on any old thing which no one really cares about. Like American football."

But Singaporeans are generally happy about the explosion of newspapers because, according to Mr Zulkiflee Blabbarudin, spokesman of the Media Feedback Group, they now have greater choice.

"Last time, with only two English language newspapers, people would be faced with a dilemma," said Mr. Blabbarudin. "Whether to use them to wrap food, clean windows, or wipe... you know, lah."

But now, with so many newspapers flooding our newsstands, one day's supply of newspapers can last several thousand bungkus worth of nasi lemak, with enough leftover to handle what happens after digesting the nasi lemak.

"Now I can even choose whether to use the newspapers to pick up my puppy's poop or line my birdcage," said Mr. Chek Kah Chng. "I can even choose which newspaper to use for what task! I prefer Project Eyeball for scooping purposes, while the New Paper is better for making burnt offerings thanks to their incendiary headlines."

A use of newspapers that is often overlooked by Singaporeans, however, is obtaining information.

In this regard, some have expressed caution about the proliferation of news sources in Singapore.

"Nowadays, I don't know which paper to believe," said Mr. Tidak bin Otak, 24. "Last time, because there were so few, I had no choice but to choose one. Then the government made it even easier for me by consolidating all the papers under one organisation, so my choice was made for me. Now, alamak, how?"

However, according to Mr. Kah Lee Sior, a spokesman from the Ministry of Information and the Arts, these fears are unfounded.

"We'll tell the newspapers what they can print," said Mr. Kah. "So they're all reliable."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Schools to Develop Students’ Character: MOE
by Hen of God

Singaporean students can look forward to a real treat this school year. In addition to receiving opportunities to mug until their brains explode, prepare their bodies for NS and support the local tuition industry, they will also have their character developed.

By the Ministry of Education.

Last week, the Ministry of Education launched the innovative Full of Character Programme (FCP). Aptly phrased, the mission statement of this programme is “Every Student in Singapore to be First in Character.”

Minister of Education, Rear-Admiral (NS) Teo said in his speech at the launch, “In the early years of nation-building, education in Singapore focused on equipping students with knowledge that will build the economy of Singapore. Now that Singapore has become a developed country, we can afford to focus on the people’s character.”

FCP Steering Committee Chairman Mrs. Ai Sway Nao agreed, "We believe this to be a crucial initiative. We already control our children's time, space and bodies. Now we are in a position to finally control their minds as well."

"In the past few years, we have noticed some disturbing social trends amongst our youth," said Mrs. Ai. "Such as believing that they should be allowed to think or decide on their future, independent of the state. We cannot let this go unchecked."

When asked why, Mrs. Ai scratched her head and said, "Minister said so."

For many months now, rumours of the FCP have been circulating amongst education professionals.

When interviewed, Bukit Gorblok Secondary School expat teacher, Mr Cary Balles said, “I was attracted to come and teach in Singapore because I heard rumblings of FCP many months ago. I just had to be in the place where education is so bold and innovative. The pay-workload ratio and the lessened risk of being gun-downed by my students had nothing to do with my decision to come here.”

FCP will be implemented in all Singapore schools according to the following action plan:

Development of CD-roms and digital audio streaming

Complementing the focus of schools on IT, the curriculum division will develop digital materials that can be used in the classroom. Especially innovative is the development of digital audio streaming which will play cooing MP3 messages in schools throughout the school day, such as, “good citizens know their place,” “innovate by following,” and "the ISD are your friends".

Character-fitness test

Every year, school children will be tested for their character-fitness through a series of exercises. Namely, they will be tested for their abilities to prostrate whenever they see an older male person, to follow the words of their elders unquestioningly, and to lift two spherical objects simultaneously.

School-ranking of character index

The Character-fitness test results will then be used to rank schools accordingly so parents can make their choice of a school for their child wisely.

The schools whose students demonstrate the best character will be awarded a grant of $10,000 each. As an additional incentive for the students to exhibit good character, top schools will also receive a free set of the MOE's sex education CD-ROM.

Most parents warmly welcomed the initiative.

Said Mr. Sah Kah Chua, 35, "I think it's important that we teach children the right way to behave in society. Otherwise, they might grow up believing that they needn't obey us."

Genetics To Come Alive For Students
by Coq Au Vin

Genetics will come alive for JC and secondary school students as they get to perform experiments using equipment donated to to the Ministry of Education by Frankenstein Applied Biosystems AG from Switzerland.

The company will also provide instructors who will train teachers and students in using the equipment, which include gene sequencers, Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) machines, and electrical tables which can be raised to the ceiling to capture the primal electrical energy snatched from the heavens like Promethean fire.

The PCR machines will be used to amplify and duplicate specific portions of a cell's DNA. The sequencer will
be used by the students to map out the chemical bases. Then radiation will be applied to these cells in order
to mutate them into new, hopefully monstrous forms.

"It's all explained here," FAB's Asia-Pacific Director, Igor von Honchebocke said, pointing to the textbook "MUTATIONS FOR DUMMIES," Chapter 7 - "Things Man Was Not Meant To Tamper With".

Mr Honchebocke said that the move was in line with the company's approach to support the life sciences industry. It chose Singapore because of its favourable attitude towards genetics to improve the species.

"Ve believe it iz best to - how shall I say - begin wiff ze young," said Mr Honchebocke, "Zey are zo impressionable, not full of ze prejudices zat plague ze older ones. Ve alvays say zat ze young vill conquer ze world - ve belief in givink zem a head start."

He began laughing, "A head! Forgiff me. A little joke. Zat is our next lezzon, you zee. How to get a head."

The lesson plans include such group activities as field trips to Choa Chu Kang cemetary underneath a full moon, studies in anatomy conducted at the Singapore General Hospital Mortuary, and the study of ancient gothic dialects to enable easier reading of older textbooks only recently unearthed after centuries of suppression of their forbidden knowledge.

When asked if such experimentation would be dangerous, Mr Honchebocke shook his head, which could be seen to be attached to him by crude stitching.

"Not at all," he said, "Zis is all very basic. I mean, what do you zink ze little ones are goink to do - create monsters?"

He started laughing again, as a dog ran from a nearby classroom, a human hand in place of its head.

Ms Kia Si Lang, a biology teacher from Bukit Gorblock JC, was keen to try out the equipment, saying that students would now get to try out actual physical resurrection of the dead rather than read about it in books.

Second year Triple-Science student Chin Keh Kiang was on hand for a demonstration, and was just as excited. "This is something new to us. It's not every day that a student gets to see gamma radiation being applied to your PE Teacher. Usually, you only hear the theory, but actually seeing him flex his muscles and tear his clothes to shreds and then go on a murderous rampage through the town center shouting, 'HULK SMASH!' makes it all the more realistic."