Bond Breakers Go Boom!
Scholars Voluntarily Chain Themselves to Long-Range Remote Control Detonation Devices

Government scholars demonstrated their undying loyalty to their sponsoring agencies today by voluntarily chaining themselves to long-range remote control detonation devices.

The devices, which are housed in briefcases handcuffed to the scholars' wrists, can be activated by the sponsoring agencies upon receipt of any notification that the scholars will not be completing their bond.

"I think it's only fair," said Chua Sah Kah, 20, who will be taking up a Public Service Commision scholarship to study political science at the London School of Economics. "After all, the government blows thousands of dollars on educating us. Why shouldn't they also blow us up if they're not getting a return on their investment?"

The device, which is affectionately called the Bomb Breaker, was devised by Mr. Chow Kay Poh, a former armed forces engineering scholar who is now serving his bond as a military ordnance expert.

"I thought, there must be some way for scholars to emphatically prove their loyalty," said Mr. Chao, splitting an infinitive. "Damages are insufficient, and moral obligations are also not really legally enforceable.  So, I figured, it had to be a real commitment, one they won't take lightly."

"We must stress that this is a completely voluntary move on our part," said See Koh Fern, 18, who will be studying Biotechnology at Stanford University. "There was no coercion whatsoever. At my interview, my sponsors very courteously asked me whether I wanted full tuition coverage and a monthly stipend, and if so, whether I would also be willing to heave a highly explosive device wherever I went."

Angkat Bollah, 21, who will be studying philosophy at Keble College, Oxford in September, echoed Ms. See. "I said yes with no hesitation whatsoever. If I say yes, I get a world-class education with brilliant career prospects.  If I say no, then I would be condemned to helping my mother sell nasi lemak at West Coast Hawker Centre for eternity, like my brother. The thought of being blown to bits didn't enter my mind at all."

Some scholars privately expressed minor misgivings.

Said one who did not wish to be named, "I mean, I really didn't want to be a government scholar.  If you ask me, I'd rather be a hair-dresser. But my parents were very enthusiastic that I should get into the Admin Service. And you know, I'm a filial son.  So I guess the risk of being scattered into a million pieces of flesh and bone is a small price to pay so that my mother can tell her mah-jong kakis how proud she is that I'm on the fast track."

Another complained about the inconvenience the device would pose. "It cannot be removed except by our sponsors.  We have to carry it wherever we go, and whatever we do.  How to shower properly, never mind pak tor, with this? Does the Working Committee on Marriage and Procreation know about the scheme?"

Still, even these scholars admitted that it was a small sacrifice for the prestige of serving the country.

"I mean, if I break my bond," said Devi Kandasamy, who will study English at Warwick University. "What will hurt me more is not being shredded into bloody ribbons all over the shop, but rather the thought that I shamed myself and my family by being so unpatriotic."

Mr. Chin Tua Seah of the Working Group on Anti-Bond Breaking said that he was very proud of the scholars for their demonstration of fealty, and that in any case, the measure was proportionate.

"We can actually control the size of the blast," said Mr. Chin. "For instance, if they break their bond immediately after graduation, we will blow them up entirely.  But if, say, they break their bond after several years of service, we can adjust the force such that they are only maimed.  Maybe one leg gone, or an arm."

"After all, these scholars already cost us an arm and a leg!" chortled Mr. Chin.

"At the end of the day, we're recognizing a moral obligation on our part," said Ms. Fawn Er, who will be studying engineering at Brownose College, Cambridge. "Damages alone cannot adequately compensate our sponsoring agency if we should choose not to come back and serve our bond.  But seeing us as a gory blotch on the landscape might give them some small satisfaction."

Foreign talent saves Singapore from retarded future, say SARONG Party Girls

Importing foreign talent into Singapore has usually been justified on the basis of increased competition in the face of mounting globalization, in that foreigners may bring skills and knowledge into our economy that it might not have, or take years to develop.

However, there has been a corresponding rise in resentment amongst many locals, who see foreigners immediately settling into plum posts, while locals have no solid guarantee or expectation of being groomed to eventually fill these positions.

The debate has largely been confined to employment prospects, but now a new arena has opened.

Yesterday, the Society for Attaining Racially Occidental Native Gentlemen (SARONG), a new women's party based in Boat Quay, held a press conference to endorse the government's move to import more foreign talent.

"The argument about foreign talent has always been lop-sided," said SARONG Party chairperson Teresa Chan-Pinkerton. "You know, foreigners bring economic benefits, but also social ills, such as diluting our Singaporean identity.  Few realise that foreigners bring social benefits too."

"For instance," said Mrs. Chan-Pinkerton. "Many local men are socially unsophisticated, believing that a good dinner means whacking at their favourite hawker stall in Ghim Moh.  They do not understand that for women like us, food is not the sole determinant of a good meal.  Where local men dine us, foreign men go the extra mile and also wine us.  And it is their liberal use of alcohol which explains why so many of us succumb to their charms."

"Quite apart from that," added Mrs. Winona Wong-Haettenschweiler, SARONG Party Vice President. "They help solve Singapore's genetic problems.  Let's face it, we're a very small country.  Only 4 million people on a tiny island. Everyone knows everyone. It's only a matter of time before we unintentionally wind up marrying our own relatives.  It may even be happening now! This sort of genetic in-breeding will lead to retarded children, or maybe our eyes will be too close together, or they'll have three noses or something."

"So foreigners with outside blood help to keep us from producing mutants," nodded Mrs. Ah Lien Chao-LePew, SARONG Party Treasurer.

The SARONG Party announcement sparked many angry comments from local men.

"Chao SPGs," said Mr. Chin Too Lan, an engineer. "It makes me see red whenever people see only white."

"I think it's extremely disingenuous of the SARONG Party," said Mr. Chia Sior Eng. "Ultimately, they're just trying to justify the economic benefits these foreigners bestow on them. If that's their priority, then so be it. We'll all have to adapt. No need for all this kao peh kao bu."

"The reason why local men resent foreign men chee-honging local women is exactly the same as why locals resent foreigners coming here to work," said Mr. Bumi Putra. "We see foreigners immediately settling into these plum posts, while locals have no solid guarantee or expectation of being groomed to eventually fill those positions."

However, some men were supportive of the SARONG Party stance.

Said Mr. Goh Bah Tam, "My friends and I agree with them that foreigners help to keep our gene pool from being diluted.  That's precisely why we local men all want to find a China bride, or to marry Malaysians or go for holidays in Batam and Hatyai. That's why these foreigners also come here to buaya - to them, our women must also be less demanding and more appreciative than back in their countries. How else do you explain why a pot-bellied forty-five year old industrial diver with back hair from Dogshit, Nebraska can also find a local girlfriend? You know, we and the foreigners are more alike than we think."

Eco-lympics heroes return to cheers - from doctors

It was an emotional scene at Changi Airport Terminal Two last week, as the Singapore team returned from the gruelling two week Eco-lympics competition in Borneo, where they battled against raging rivers, huge caverns and the hostile rainforest conditions.

It was a scene marked by both tears and cheers.

Tears of pain from the team, and cheers from the Singapore General Hospital medical team who was there to whisk them off.

Dr. Quek Siew Ngap grinned brightly as he helped Mr. Chin Ah Tiah, the team leader, onto a stretcher. "It's really a rare opportunity for us to study the effects of voluntary physical suffering.  At SGH, we get traffic accidents, lah, sometimes if we're lucky, a severed hand or something.  But those are all unintentional. These injuries are special - they're caused by chiong-ing.  So we're going to get great psychological data as well."

"I actually think the psychological side of our study will be more interesting," smiled Dr. Quee Loh Koon as he grabbed a saw to amputate Ms. Seow Ting Tong's left leg below the knee. "I mean, this is only garden variety gangrene here. The real question is, what made these people subject themselves to these horrific injuries?  What separates sheer heroic determination from outright stupidity? It's a question that has puzzled humanity for centuries."

Dr. Quah Sin Seh chuckled as he powered up the defribillator. "This is so exciting.  I really appreciate what these folks are doing for us."

Below him, Ms. Theah Kao Peng was already unconscious from toxic blood poisoning caused by having swum in infected waters.

"We'll be able to learn so much.  The benefits of their expedition are, quite simply..." said Dr. Kwah, pausing as he placed the pads onto Ms. Theah's chest. "...Clear!"

"Oh dear, she's gone," muttered Dr. Kwah's assistant. "Never mind, there are three more of them. Anyone know if she's an organ donor?"

There was a flurry of excitement as a piranha was pulled from team-member Mr. Chin Ah Heong's leg.

"Wow! I thought these things were only just found in Thailand.  Looks like they're spreading throughout Southeast Asia! Do you know what the significance of this is?" asked Dr. Quek, waving the carnivorous fish to the rest of the team. "It means we'll be the first medics to treat piranha wounds. Those clowns at NUH won't dare to be so ya-ya at the next SMA ball."

Team member Ow Chin Siong grimaced through the haze of pain caused by the open, weeping wounds on his entire front body, received when malfunctioning climbing equipment sent him crashing into a cliff wall. "Stopping was just not an option.  Even when we ran out of painkillers. We even hid our injuries from the judges so that we wouldn't be kicked out of the race. I guess we're just kiasu that way."

"What you need is some herbal soup after this," said Mr. Ow's mother.

"We have something far more appropriate," chortled Dr. Quek, taking out a straitjacket, to the applause of everyone.

Fann's book makes heavy reading, say fans

Fann Wong's recently launched pictorial collection, In The Mood for Fann, has received criticism of an unexpected kind: fans are complaining that the book makes heavy reading.

"Pictorial books of this sort are meant to be read with only one hand.  But the cover and the way it's bound make it very heavy, and therefore very awkward to read one-handed," said Mr. Da Shouqiang, 45. "It's all very arty, yes, but not very considerate of the primary audience at which this book is aimed."

"No complaints about the pictures themselves, of course," said Mr. Wang Too Long, 52, about the shots of the erstwhile "Princess of TCS" giggling and pouting in a variety of flirty dresses.

The book was designed by two Hongkongers: art director William Chang and photographer Wing Shya, based on a suggestion by Hype Records director Ken Lim.

In a recent interview with the New Paper, Mr. Lim said of Chang, "His work has a very artistic feel to it.  He treated Fann like an object rather than a person, so the results are very different from other pictorial collections."

On hearing Mr. Lim's comments, 25-year old Fann fan Yao Shou Yin gushed, "That shows he really understands how we fans regard Fann! We too think of her as more object than person!"

Fann's book is currently available only as a limited edition retailing at $50, the proceeds of which will go to the Handicap Welfare Association, after which it will be publicly sold for $28.80.

"This again shows that Fann's not just some bimbo. She's proving that she understands irony," said Mr.Yao, wiping a trickle of drool from his lips. "Because at the same time she's using the book to benefit the handicapped, the book is also going to make many fans handicapped.  I, for example, fully expect to go blind reading it."