Durian Hawker Hauled Up For Speaking In Public Without Permit
by Pak Cham Kai
42 year old durian hawker Boey Liew Liang has been ordered to appear at Bukit
Gorblok Police Post, ostensibly for committing the offence of assembly without a
permit.
"According to our records," said
investigating officer ASP Mohd Angkat bin Mengampu. "In or about the
first week of December, Mr. Boey was seen at Bukit Gorblok Central Market
selling durians as part of the Bukit Gorblok Durian Festival."
"During that period," continued ASP
Mengampu. "He was heard to have shouted, 'Sah eh chup kor, bao chiah ah!'
He was also alleged to have asked various friends to come and support his
business ."
In doing so, Mr. Boey may have thus committed the
offence of assembly without a permit (and possibly the lesser offence of
speaking in Hokkien when there is a Mandarin equivalent).
Apparently, while it is lawful for a hawker to
make laudatory statements about his wares in a hawker centre, it is questionable
whether it is also legal to actively procure the assembly of persons in support
of a legal purpose.
Mr. Boey expressed surprise and shock at the
call-up. "Na beh, I din'ch know asking friends to come and support me can
also kena saman."
"We must distinguish the lawfulness of Mr.
Boey's shouting and the active gathering of people to support his
shouting," said Ministry of Surveillance spokesman Maniam Hyperbolingam.
"The former is legal, the second is what we call a grey area."
The underlying reason for investigating the
gathering of people for supporting a durian sale is the maintenance of public
order and consumer protection.
"Hypothetically speaking," said Mr.
Maniam. "If Mr. Boey's friends stood round his stall, sucking on his durian
bijis and exclaiming loudly how deliciously creamy they are, this might mislead
innocent bystanders into believing the durians are of high quality, even though
they may not have received any such certification from the Ministry of Fruit Quality."
"Rest assured that for the peace of mind of
all Singaporeans," continued Mr. Hyperbolingam. "We shall investigate
this incident thoroughly, using the latest in room cooling technology."
Human rights organizations have all rallied round
Mr. Boey.
Said Mr. Kong Chin Chway, leader of Westernized
Asian Humanist Liberals Against Narrowmindedness (WAHLAN), "This durian
incident really stinks."
Mr. Boey himself was more philosophical. "I
really want to help the police to see what I am doing is okay, one. Maybe I
bring a few D24 So'tan durian with me to the station, see how, see how."
© http://www.TalkingCock.com
2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this
attribution. It's only polite, leh!)
Singaporeans in Malaysia Doing Better Than
Singaporeans in Singapore: Malaysia
by Cakap Ayam
In response to the Singapore government's recent
statements that Malays in Singapore are doing better than Malays in Malaysia,
Malaysia has retaliated by producing a report suggesting that Singaporeans in
Malaysia are doing better than Singaporeans in Singapore.
"It's very clear," said Malaysian
government spokesman Datuk Rahmat bin Tidakpuas at a press conference at the teh
tarik stall in Adam Road hawker centre. "Throughout Ipoh, for example,
Singaporeans can get a heaping bowl of kway teow for only about RM3.00 or
S$1.37. You try getting such a good deal in any of your food courts!"
"And let's not even get started about things
like cars," continued Datuk Tidakpuas. "You can get a really good deal
on a Proton Saga even in the more affluent parts of Kuala Lumpur, whereas in
Singapore, even a teeny-weeny Perodua Kancil would cost you the GDP of
Bophuthatswana."
Datuk Tidakpuas thumped the table angrily.
"I tell you, ah, it makes me damn geram to hear that Singaporeans have it
better! It's all one big fabrication!"
"Look!" He fumed, waving derisively at
a prata. "This piece of roti canai costs one dollar, or RM2.16! In Alor
Star or parts of Kelantan, it would only be, what, at most RM0.50 or S$0.23!
Twenty-three cents! You tell me what the hell you can buy here for twenty-three
cents? One toe nail?"
"How can Singaporeans possibly have things
better when they're paying so bleddy much for a piece of ghee-soaked
flour?" Datuk Tidakpuas thundered. "If Singaporeans are having such a
wonderful time in Singapore, how come they're going to Johor or KL in the
thousands? Why not just stay in their wonderful little island and not chew
gum?"
Some Singaporeans are mystified at the level of
hostility expressed by the Malaysians in the wake of the "Our Malays Are
Better Off" controversy.
"I can't understand why we're comparing each
other in this childish manner," said Mr. Rosman bin Kekayaan.
"Especially because after all, don't we own Malaysia?"
In the meantime, the Singapore Ministry of
Foreign Affairs has issued the following brief statement in response to Datuk
Tidakpuas' assertions: "Nyeh-nee, nyeh-nee, boo-boo."
© http://www.TalkingCock.com
2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this
attribution. It's only polite, leh!)
First Lady's New Portrait More "Tua Liap"
by K.K. Cheow
Singaporeans agree: the new portrait of Mrs. S.R.
Nathan that hangs in all government offices, schools and civic organisations is
much more "tua liap".
As a spokesman for the Ministry of Information and the Arts (Mita) told The
Straits Times recently: "In the old portraits, Mrs Nathan's image was slightly smaller than Mr Nathan's. It has been enlarged, and they look in
proportion now."
And civil servants who have to gaze upon the
visages of President and Mrs. Nathan unanimously concur.
"Last time, hor," said Ministry of Home
Affairs admin officer Nanette Pok. "The old pictures were very the buay gam.
The President was too tua kee, and the First Lady a bit suay liap. But now
they're ngam ngam ho."
"Yah," agreed Ministry of Manpower
executive Carrie DeSusa. "Now they like a bit more balan, like that."
The other change that came with the new portraits
was the removal of the title of "First Lady", as MITA felt that
"there is no First Family in Singapore."
Apparently, it was decided that the terms 'First Family' and
'First Lady' should only be for executive presidents such as those in the United
States.
Accordingly, the search is on for a new way to
address Mrs. Nathan.
"We're considering asking the public for
their opinions," said MITA spokesperson Miss Besar binte Teteh.
A straw poll taken by TalkingCock.com revealed
the following appellations to be the frontrunners:
European music will still be an essential part of
the curriculum, except that students will have to analyse how far the score can
be depicted in steadily-highlighted subtitles.
Also, because of the karaoke element, students
will be exposed to not only Chinese musical figures, but new European ones as
well.
"I feel very excited about it," said
student Fortessimo Fong of Bukit Gorblok Junior College. "In addition to
Mozart and Beethoven, we'll also be studying Feng Fei Fei, Teresa Teng,
Engelbert Humperdinck and Leo Sayer. These are artists whose oeuvres my
parents are more familiar with."
Music teachers generally welcomed the move but
expressed concern about the abruptness of the changes and lack of teaching
materials and resources.
"So far we've only had a one full day
workshop at Platinum Arowana KTV Launge in Geylang," said teacher Miss Chin
Pai Tiah from Presbyterian High. "I'm not sure I'm competent at teaching
the kids how to howl drunkenly yet."
To address the concerns of music teachers, the
MOE is sending an MOE scholar for a master's degree in karaokology at 88
Watermelon KTV Midnight Launge, where she will also study hostessing.
© http://www.TalkingCock.com
2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this
attribution. It's only polite, leh!)
Singapore Mountaineers Begin Oxygen
Deprivation Training
by Lay Mong Chi
Mountaineer Dr Robert Goh Ee Kiat and his fellow climbers have begun their oxygen deprivation training. Dr Goh is heading a five-member
team to scale the 8,027m-high Shishapangma in Tibet next year, a feat that they will attempt to do without oxygen support.
"At that height, the summit is in what is called 'the death zone'", said Dr Goh. "The oxygen level there is less than half of what is
available at sea level."
"So just as the Everest team acclimatised themselves to cold when training for their climb, we are training ourselves to endure oxygen
deprivation for longer and longer periods."
"Climbing without supplementary oxygen is a challenge and the purest form of the sport", added Dr
Goh.
The training for this feat is tough. Team members have pillows pressed into their faces or have their heads held underwater for
several minutes at a time, fourteen hours a day.
"It's very hard being unable to breathe properly for hours on end", said Dr Mok Ying
Jang, another team member. "But this is what we will be
enduring on our climb, so we have to get used to it beforehand."
His fellow team member, Mr Edwin Siew Cheok Wai, agreed. "Our level of training reflects the riskiness of trying to scale
Shishapangma. As of 1999, 19 out of 167 mountaineers have died while attempting to
conquer it."
"I wonder how many died while training for it, though", he mused, as
he lay down on his back for his next session of pillow-smothering.
At a nearby pool, fellow climber Mr Leong Chee Mun, desperately gulping air in between his semi-drowning sessions, managed to gasp
out why he and his colleagues were putting themselves through this.
"We all agree with what Robert once said--we want to attempt this feat to raise the level of mountaineering in Singapore to the next
leve--", before his head was pushed underwater once again by his trainer.
The fifth and final member of the team, Mr Johann Annuar, is in charge of communications and support at the base camp in Tibet, and
will not be climbing. As such, he is not participating in the oxygen-deprivation training with the others.
"My teammates say they are sorry for me, because I will be left
behind at base camp while they make the climb, and I won't have the chance to ascend into the death zone with no oxygen support", said Mr
Annuar. "Someone has to be the unlucky one, they say."
"Strange though, for some reason, I feel like the lucky one instead."
Instead of training, Mr Annuar spends time on behalf of his teammates investigating new methods of causing oxygen-deprivation.
"Our current training regime is fairly effective, but not very
realistic", explained Mr Annuar. "Instead of alternating periods of no-oxygen-no-breathing and full-oxygen-gasping-for-breath, we ideally
want a consistently low level of oxygen accessible, and to be able to constantly breathe, but only shallowly and with difficulty. And I
think I've found something that may do the trick."
He held up a pair of bondage clamps and a ball-gag. "Found these at a place in Geylang Lorong 69. The clamps aren't really designed to
clamp the nose, but they'll do, and the ball-gag can be used as designed--this time for the more noble goal of training for scaling a
mountain."
"I can't wait to see the guys walking around wearing these all day and all night", he chuckled. "Did I mention that I feel like the
luckiest member of the team?"
© http://www.TalkingCock.com
2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this
attribution. It's only polite, leh!)
