Government to Build Death Star in High Street?
by K.K. Cheow

A long time ago, in a business district far, far away was a street well-known for predominantly Indian-owned buildings housing trading, electronics and textile stores. At one point Singapore's premier shopping area, High Street has now been reduced to a handful of buildings.

The owners of the remaining buildings were concerned several months ago when the Urban Redevelopment Authority issued notices saying the area was being studied for redevelopment.

However, when questioned the URA would reveal little about their plans, saying only that: "Plans for the street block are currently under study. Details cannot be released at this point in time." All that has emerged is that a rail transit system is involved.

Left to speculation, the owners of the High Street buildings suspect that their property will be acquired to make room for new government offices.

"Look about you," said Mr. Turjid Singh, owner of Turgid Marital Electronics (S) Pte Ltd. "Last time, High Street had all the big shops like Chotirmall and Wisma Sugnomal."

"But now, the Accountant-General's Department, the Public Service Division of the Prime Minister's Office, the Ministry of Finance's budget and revenue divisions, and the Ministry of Law headquarters have all moved into The Treasury Building in High Street."

"Some more, got a new Supreme Court building coming up on the site of the former Colombo Court," he continued. "And then, across the street is the new Parliament House, which opened in September 1999. And don't forget that the Ministry of Information and the Arts has taken over the old Hill Street Police Station."

"Clearly, High Street is being consolidated as the seat of government power," said Mr. Kwai Gon Jin, owner of Jet Eye Warrior Travel Pte Ltd. "Putting it all together, we believe the government is building a massive complex here in High Street, that is capable of firing destructive laser beams at disobedient towns."

"Why, from the vantage point here by Collyer Quay, it is possible even to obliterate parts of Indonesia," said Mr. Kwai's business partner, Mr. Oh Bee Wan.

When pressed as to the source of his suspicions, Mr. Kwai said, "When we spoke to the URA spokesman, he was breathing very heavily and sounded like he had some major sinus problems.  Also, there was ominous clarinet music in the background."

"We have to move to protect our interests," said Mr. Turjid Singh. "The government will surely say that all this development is in the interests of the trade federation, when actually there is an evil politician-turned- emperor behind it all."

To deal with any potential acquisition, the owners of the remaining High Street buildings are now consulting the law firm of Messrs. Yeo and Dah.

"It's going to be tricky," said partner Han Soh Low. "The empire, I mean the government, has a lot of resources and are very secretive.  But we aim to give our clients a new hope to deal with the phantom menace, hopefully before they can strike back."

Mr. Han's associate, Mr. Harry Chew Bak Kah, grunted in agreement.

The URA has thus far refused to comment, issuing only a terse statement: "Remember Alderaan."

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Throw Oranges in Singapore River, Wear Orange CWO Jacket
by Kway Png

Three maidens celebrating Chinese Valentine's Day by tossing oranges down the Singapore River were arrested for littering yesterday.

Qi Qiao Jie, which falls on the 15th day of Chinese New Year, is a tradition going back to ancient China, where unmarried daughters would toss coloured silk balls from their balcony and marry the men below who caught them.

These days, due to the rising costs of silk, oranges are used instead.

And the maidens who followed the tradition yesterday on Cavenagh Bridge: Miss Chuay Tar Por, 29, Miss Bee Mai Ang , 35, and Miss Chin Long Lee, 38, certainly proved that the ritual works.

For all of them snagged a man.

And that man is ASP Samanumal s/o Jailum.

In fact, you might say that ASP Samanumal was the one who snagged them, as he arrested the maidens for littering and hauled them, handcuffed, to Maxwell Road Police Station.

"Ooh, handcuffs," said Miss Chuay, an accounts manager in a local bank. "This is my first time doing this sort of thing.  Some more with a man in uniform. My mother will be so proud." 

"There's nothing romantic about spoiling the environment," ASP Samanumal humphed. "Besides, these three are all repeat offenders. I've seen them do it, almost religiously, for the past few years."

The three maidens have since been sentenced by a magistrate in the Subordinate Courts to perform Corrective Work Orders, under which they will have to pick up litter in public places, while dressed in a bright orange jacket.

Far from being shamed, the maidens are excited at the prospect.

"Who knows?" said Miss Bee. "You never know what you might pick up in the garbage. Maybe even a man!"

"I think orange is a bit of an Ah Lian colour," added Miss Chin. "But neh'mine. Singapore men all like, what."

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Police Hauls in Family for Illegal Gathering and Political Demonstration in Chinese Restaurant 
by Seymour Kok 

The Goncase family of Joo Chiat was last night charged with illegal gathering and demonstrating in popular Chinese restaurant "Aphrodisiacs R Us". 

There to celebrate little Jamie Goncase's sterling PSLE results, Grandpa Goncase began expressing his displeasure with the 'filthy rich ministers' to daughter-in-law Shirley Goncase over the 5-course meal. Joining in the politically oriented chat was her husband Dan Goncase who 'whined about the rise in living costs'. Halfway through the highly charged family discussion, Grandma Goncase let out a resounding fart. 

According to police spokesman ASP See Suah Kong, the family outing was a pre-planned occasion to display political dissent in a public space. With family members numbering seven - Grandpa Goncase, Grandma Goncase, their son Dan Goncase, his wife Shirley Goncase, their two sons Jamie and Riley Goncase, and finally, Riley's homosexual partner Uppathabum Morgan - this constituted an illegal gathering. Apparently the family had not applied for an entertainment licence to eat in a public space.

ASP See said: "They were obviously having entertainment. And they were also in a public space.  Therefore, putting the two together, they were blatantly flouting the law. Also, Grandma Goncase's fart attracted the attention of dinners at the next table. These dinners joined in the discussion. In a sensitive region like ours, farting is obviously a clarion call to riot. At one point, Uppathabum Morgan, the family friend, waved his chopsticks in the air. We interpret that as a phallic protestation against homosexual silencing in Singapore." 

The next table dinners in question were the Appatthy family. Said patriarch and retired SAF General Appatthy: 

"I am very ashamed of myself. Being a former soldier, I was seduced by political whinging. I should have known better. The Goncase family invited my family to join them and we bemoaned the state of local politics over sharks fin soup. I've blown my chances to be commissioned by the PS21 committee to head a feedback group. Serves me right." 

When asked what his particular political grouse was General Appatthy replied: "I don'ch know." 

The Goncase family are presently engaging celebrity lawyer QC George Caramel. Over a phone-interview QC Caramel observed: 

"Yes, quite obviously a classic case of human-rights violation. In the Chinese restaurant, the Goncase family was partaking in a roundtable discussion. I look forward to defending them in court. Not as much as I look forward to rubbing the SIA Girls on my flight down. Cheerio!" 

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Khalwat Police Investigating Call for Closer Singapore-Malaysia Relationship
by Cakap Ayam

Malaysian religious authorities have commenced an investigation into allegations that Singapore and Malaysian governmental officials are trying to establish a closer relationship.

The investigations follow a visit to Singapore by a delegation of Malaysian leaders led by Malaysian Deputy Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi.

During the visit, many calls were made to foster "closer bilateral ties" and Singapore Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong even said that Singapore and Malaysia's futures were " intertwined", they had " close people-to-people relationships" and even shared " physical proximity".

"Based on language such as this, we have reason to believe that Singapore and Malaysia may have committed the Islamic sin of khalwat, or close proximity," said Mr. Mohd Haji Sebelum bin Waktunya, president of BONK (Brotherhood Opposed to National Khalwat), a Malaysian-based religious watchdog.

BONK has been extremely active throughout peninsular Malaysia, tearing down doors in cheap hotels.

While both governments dismissed BONK's accusations as nonsense, Mr. Waktunya has said: "Everyone knows they have a long history of screwing each other. So we think it's justified that we demand to see their documents. And preferably, their mattresses also."

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MOE Advocates Abstinence in Speech Education Package
by Feng Tzao

The Ministry of Education has embarked on a new campaign to revamp the spoken language curriculum.

Their objective for teaching speech, however, is exactly the same as that of their recently-launched "sexuality" education curriculum: don't do it.

At the launch of a special multimedia CD-ROM package to accompany the new speech curriculum, MOE spokesman Mr. Tiam Theam Hor said: "We believe that it is time to develop a speech curriculum that is tailored to Singapore's needs in the 21st century."

"We have already begun the war against Singlish and dialects, in favour of the Queen's English and Mandarin," said Mr. Tiam. "But of course we recognise that even pure English and Mandarin are not contextually suitable."

"Ideally, we want the Singaporeans of tomorrow to say nothing."

"If things are good, and people praise it," explained Mr. Tiam. "Then the market gets overheated. Look at dot-com mania.  If things are bad, and people complain, then the markets fall and recession ensues. What the market needs is to strike the perfect equilibrium between good and bad speech."

"And that is silence," he smiled, launching a musicless powerpoint presentation to loud applause, which quickly dwindled when audience members noticed Mr. Tiam's scowling face.

Mr. Tiam then proceeded to click wordlessly through the powerpoint presentation, with each slide outlining how their new multi-media package will work towards teaching our children the value of abstaining from speaking. 

In order to appeal to the young, these aims have been translated into a series of entertaining video clips which parents can enjoy with their children.  

One such clip is titled "Silence of the Lambs", where a shepherd turns noisy members of his flock into kambing soup.  Wiping his mouth, the Shepherd burps and tells the remainder of the flock: "Sheep have no need to speak when the shepherd knows best.  That is why we call it pastoral education."

Not all the content is cautionary. Silence is also held out as a rewarding trait, as demonstrated by the moving tale of a woman in a walkover constituency receiving a flat upgrade.

What is especially significant about the multi-media package is that it has been designed to cover all 4 dimensions which shape a person’s ability to be silent:

Included in the package is also an interactive game which demonstrates how the 4 aspects are inter-related.  In one game, every time the button marked "Speak" is clicked, the protagonist immediately strips to his underwear and hurries to the nearest air-conditioned room, where he stands shivering while conjuring up a picture of a Lexus in his mind.

After the presentation of the package, there was a question-and answer session.  Expecting nobody to ask any questions, there was a loud gasp of disbelief when a gentleman walked sheepishly to the microphone.  

Fortunately, a teenager tackled him to the ground before he could say a word. (The teenager has since been given a scholarship to an ivy league university in the USA.)

Secondary schoolteacher Ms Boey Heow Kong, who was in the audience, commented later that, “I think the message of abstinence is very important to the young.  Especially teenagers who are so curious, and who want so much to belong.  If their friends do it, they also think it is cool to do it. So when they see their friends speaking, they will also want to, even if it's bad for their health.”

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PAP Likely To Win Next Elections, Says Fortune Teller
by Pak Cham Kai

According to a fortune teller, the PAP is likely to win the next elections.

Mr. Kuah Fiew Cher, a traditional fortune teller in Chinatown, has had an amazing record of accurate predictions over the past thirty years, which has led to him amassing a devoted following in the community.

Tanjong Pagar resident Mr. Ker Na Pian, 56, said that Mr. Kuah's record of accuracy was astounding.

"Just this year, he foretold that someone in Singapore would be investigated for expressing dissent through the clever use of other laws," said Mr. Ker. "How he could have foreseen that, I also donno.  It's so far-fetched in this democratic country."

"Mr. Kuah also accurately predicted that the Singapore press would brand the Chingay parade a success, and that Malaysia would criticise Singapore for insensitivity," he continued. "Isn't that remarkable? He also said the Lions will not make it to the World Cup Finals! How does he do it?"

"And now this thing about the PAP winning!" Mr. Ker shook his head, smiling. "He even accurately predicted that PM Goh would say that we're lucky that people can predict the outcome of the election!" 

TalkingCock caught up with the famed astrologer as he was having a teh 'o' in a kopi tiam in Keong Saik Street.

"I know this bit of news will come as a shock to many Singaporeans," said Mr. Kuah as he squinted into his tea leaves. "But the leaves tell me that the PAP will win the election because of a clever strategy of conducting walkabouts."

"Wait, wait..." he suddenly said, bending over to inspect the leaves more closely. "Did I say 'walkabouts'? It might be 'walkovers'. The tea leaves can be a bit unclear. But, you know, no big difference."

"I also predict that the PAP will be successful in being more inclusive," Mr. Kuah continued. "By the year 2010, the whole of Singapore will be included in Marine Parade GRC."

"I think," he added, as he waved to the kopi kiah to collect money.

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"Marriage Very Serious One! Don't Pray-Pray!" 
Liberalisation of Marriage Solemnisation Industry Brings Choices to Couples 
by Lay Mong Chi 

This February 14th, restaurants, hotels, and other romantic spots will likely be crowded and expensive, as is usually the case on Valentine's Day every year. 

So instead of fighting with the crowds for a romantic night out and forking out lots of money, why not get married instead? It's easy, quick, and inexpensive. 

Since the liberalisation of the marriage solemnisation industry at the beginning of this year, many enterprising businessmen and -women have been scrambling over each other to gain a foothold in the new MarSol arena. 

A quick check of the marketplace confirms the wide selection and easy availability of marriage solemnisation outlets, proving that enterpreneurship is alive and well in Singapore. And they aren't cookie-cutter clones of the boring ROM-style ceremony either, proving that local creativity is not dead either. 

Prominent at Boat Quay, nestled between the various restaurants and bars, is the Pocahontas Wedding Chapel. Decked out in Native-American-themed decor, it is a popular spot for couples who have hit it off at one of the watering-holes along the riverside to cement their relationship. 

One of these couples was Ms Bridgette Kwai and Mr Richard Oveuriver, who, in a whirlwind romance, got married less than two hours after meeting for the first time at the SPiGot bar only next door. 

"When I met Rich, I knew I had found a good catch, I mean, man", said Ms Kwai, now Mrs Bridgette Oveuriver-Kwai. "So I dragged him here and sealed the deal before he got away, I mean, before we parted ways and he, I mean, we met other people instead of us staying together." 

The groom seemed too dazed and confused by the swift turn of events to give any comment on his good fortune. Pocahontas proprietor and manager Ms Ping Ker Tern denied that the location and theme of her wedding chapel was geared towards attracting Sarong Party Girls and Caucasian men with an Asian woman fetish. 

"The choice of theme was inspired more by the Disney movie than by the relationship between Pocahontas and John Smith, and the location is pure coincidence", said Ms Ping, indignantly. "The rumours of my chapel's name being a tribute to one of the earliest known SPGs is totally untrue." 

Over in Geylang, the well-known Hotel 81 chain of budget hotels that operate in that neighbourhood is offering a special wedding package this Valentine's Day. 

"Marriage solemnisation, reception, and bridal suite--no frills, but modern and professional, our usual standard", said Mr Aw Yee Or, manager of the Cherry Hotel. "Everything you need for a wedding, all at an affordable rate. We hope prospective customers will like what we have to offer." 

Mr Aw described the details of the package. "The ceremony will be in a room mood-lighted with romantic red lamps. For the reception, a buffet with a wide choice of dishes--beef kway teow, chye tow kway, yu char kway with kopi, and tow huay for dessert, all freshly-made nearby." 

"As for bridal suites, we offer nothing but the best, with all the expected trimmings--heart shaped vibrating bed, mirrors on the ceiling, and lots more services besides." 

And finally, even a large company like TCS is not immune to jumping on the bandwagon. Ever wanted to be married by Tan Ah Teck or Phua Chu Kang? This Valentine's Day, you can! 

"In Las Vegas, they have wedding chapels where you can be married by an Elvis impersonator", said content editor Ms Por Cheng Hu, the brains behind the idea. "But in Singapore, instead of just borrowing a Western icon, it's only appropriate to use a local icon instead." 

"And TCS is uniquely positioned to supply these icons. Local television actors have no one else to turn to, so we can make the ones in our stable do whatever we tell them to, like risk serious injury year after year doing dangerous stunts for charity shows. So it's no problem at all having them solemnise marriages in character." 

"Besides", said Ms Por. "I think many people would love to have their marriage ceremony livened up by a 'Let me tell you a story' anecdote by Tan Ah Teck, or to be cautioned about the seriousness of their vows by Phua Chu Kang warning them 'Don't pray-pray!'"

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