Story Archive 23

Why is Nobody Marrying Our Goondus?
by K. K. Cheow

According to government statistics, there has been a steep increase in the number of single goondus.

"Single graduate women and lowly-educated men not getting married was already worrying enough," said Working Committee on Marriage and Procreation spokesman Pak Chew Cheng earlier today. "But goondus are the single largest demographic in Singapore!"

According to a large survey conducted last year, more than 4 out of 10 goondus were unable to find a mate, a doubling of earlier figures.

"We believe that this is a consequence of social change in the wake of greater expectations," said Mr. Pak. "In the old days, our predecessors either had no choice but to accept goondus as mates or were more tolerant of them."

Mr. Pak cited several instances of this disturbing trend:

	Mr. Chin Ah Gong, a 35 year old sewerage collection assistant, lives alone in a three-room HDB flat in Bukit Gorblok. But a steady job is not enough to make him appealing to women, he says. For some reason, they object to his habit of sniffing his armpits. "My mother never had any such problems with my father," he said mournfully.
	Miss Boh Lang Ai, a vice-president with a major bank, is still slim and fit at 40, but feels men are intimidated by her for some reason. "I suspect it has to do with the fact that in my spare time, I practise close-range knife-throwing," she said. "But I'm not sure. Bloody men!" Miss Boh describes herself as a woman with simple needs in a man: the ability to stand very, very still.
	Mr. Mohd. Jabbar bin Hutt, 32, a sales assistant at Ramli's Muzikarama, lives by himself with his mother and collection of Star Wars figurines, immaculately preserved and catalogued. "Women nowadays are looking only for rich men, not people with character," he said. "They have clearly gone over to the Dark Side." But he remains optimistic about his long term prospects. "I'm trying to perfect the Jedi mind trick. Sure work, one."

"All of these goondus would easily have found partners in the old days," lamented Mr. Pak. "I mean, my mother married my father even though he likes going to the lingerie department at C.K. Tang, putting a bra on his head and pretending to be a World War I pilot."

"And my father certainly didn't have trouble marrying someone who voted PAP in every election, even though there was a walkover in our constituency each time," he added.

But these days, young people demand such unheard-of character traits in Singapore such as thinking for oneself, decent conversation skills and basic consideration.

The government is extremely concerned about this trend, and intends to mount a campaign titled "'Tis Better to Have Loved a Goondu Than to Die Alone and Unmourned in Your Flat".

"We want to show that goondus are fine upstanding contributors to society," said Mr. Pak. "And that if marrying goondus were good enough for your parents, they're good enough for you. There must also be a filial piety issue here somewhere."

"We cannot let this trend continue," said Mr. Pak, winding up the press conference. "If goondus can't get married, we're very worried that gorbloks and bodohs also can't find spouses. Then we'll be a nation where only assholes can get married."

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Local Students Welcome Shift to US Undergrad Model
by Pak Cham Kai

Singaporean students gave an enthusiastic welcome to Deputy Prime Minister Tony Tan's recent statement that Singapore's universities should move in the direction of the US model, with its more broad-based undergraduate education.

"All my friends absolutely agree with it," said Bukit Gorblok Junior College student Chee Hong Kuay, 18. "We also want an American-style undergrad experience based on broads."

"Yes!" said Givumal Kannilingum of Stamford Junior College. "Who wouldn't love to undergo what we see in all these American undergrad movies like Animal House, Road Trip and Down to You, with all that sex, sex and sex!"

Current NUS engineering undergrad Thean See Kee also said that the shift to an American model would help to expand undergraduates' horizons.

"Right now, ah," he said, adjusting the masking tape holding his thick, black-rimmed spectacles together. "Night activities are really about going to Fong Seng for a nasi lemak supper. But with the American model, they can also have toga parties, beer-bonging or projectile vomiting. Eh, wouldn't it be cool to have a food fight at Fong Seng?"

"That's why!" chirped Promiscuitina De Cruz, a first year arts faculty undergrad. "If you watch American TV, their undergrad experience is like Felicity, whereas here it's more like Little House on the Prairie. We too want a curriculum that enables us to appear like we have no classes, and shag all the time."

"What I want," says Tng Kor Leow, an undergraduate student of physical education at NTU. "Is to be like those American undergrads in MTV shows like Spring Break and The Real World... forever taking their clothes off."

Local students are already gearing up for the anticipated americanisation of the Singapore tertiary experience by learning common US undergrad phrases such as "Dude, where's my car?", "That is, like, so totally bogus!" and "As if! That sucks cheez-wiz out of a monkey's butt, ass-wipe!"

"I hear they test these things in the vocab section of the SATs," said Sino-English Junior College student Tuck Kah Chuay.

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Following Success of 'Total Defence' Episode, ' Under One Roof' To Be Used In More Campaigns
by Pak Cham Kai

In an episode of 'Under One Roof' last week, Singapore's funniest family learned about what each member can do should Singapore be caught up in a national emergency.

The episode, specially-commissioned to educate the public as part of the Total Defence Day commemoration of Singapore's fall to the Japanese in 1942, was a runaway success and the government plans to use the Tan family in other campaigns.

"The familiarity of Tan Ah Teck and his family, and the light-hearted approach makes for excellent propaga... uh, education," said Ministry of Indoctrination spokesman Kong Chin Kiang, clearing his throat. "We've already lined up several special 'Under One Roof' episodes to teach the public about special Singaporean issues."

Mr. Kong then showed trailers of the following episodes:

	'Kueh Piety': Ronnie realizes that his dreams of becoming a pastry chef are unfilial and that he should really become an engineer like his father says.
	'Life's a Beach at Bishan': The Tan family holds a special celebration as Bishan becomes part of Marine Parade GRC.
	'Stand Up for Singapore': Ah Teck and Dolly do their best to encourage their kids to have children for the sake of Singapore's shrinking labour pool. To emphasise the roles of every individual, it is revealed that Ah Teck is not just fat, he's pregnant.

"If the programmes prove successful, then I think the government will definitely be doing more tie-ups with TV," said Mr. Kong. "Who knows? Maybe one day, all our local TV shows will carry pro-government feel-good messages with wholesome moral overtones!"

Audience members have said they cannot wait.

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Singapore Grooming Gifted Youngsters to be X-Men
by Kway Png

As the Straits Times declared last week that gifted students are 'born, not made', the Ministry of Education has decided to reveal the true purposes behind the Gifted Education Programme.

Said MOE spokesman Eugene Yik at a press conference yesterday, "Let's face it: 'gifted youngsters' has come to mean 'mutants', and we want to be candid about our policies."

The MOE wants to teach its gifted students how to harness their mutant abilities and work for society, which may sometimes be suspicious of them.

"Mutants are simply genetically better-endowed persons," said Mr. Yik, rubbing his Chaplinesque moustache. "And because of their superiority, they are subject to resentment and bigotry by mere homo sapiens."

Apparently, gifted students are subject to much name-calling in school, like "Mugger Toad", "Super Stoner" and "Keng Cheo Kia".

"This is unfair," continued Mr. Yik. "Most of the gifted kids didn't choose to be gifted. Kids can't help it if they're born with parents who have the income to send them to hothouse schools."

Mr Yik also pointed out that gifted kids come from a variety of backgrounds as well, not just privileged ones.

In this, he cited Straits Times statistics which showed that 41 percent of gifted students at Henry Park Primary live in flats with three rooms and above, while the rest live in private property and that a majority have parents with managerial or teaching jobs.

"41%!" emphasized Mr. Yik. "They could be any of us!"

An unpatriotic person who attempted to point out that this meant 60% of them come from richer families was quickly dispatched by a hairy Caucasian men dressed in a black leather bodysuit, with metal claws protruding from his wrists.

He was Mr. Logan, an associate of Professor Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters in Westchester County, New York, which Mr. Yik announced that the MOE has just signed a three-year contract with.

"Professor Xavier has had years of experience in training mutants," said Mr. Yik. "He makes mere freaks into 'X-Men'. We hope he can accomplish the same here. Right now, our gifted kids' powers are limited to being able to memorize things and endure many tuition sessions. In time, we hope they will progress to being able to win PSC scholarships. But ultimately, we want them to be able to change shape and fire optic beams from their eyes."

"I guess then the un-gifted kids will learn their place and respect them as their natural born leaders," smiled Mr. Yik.

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Salesgirl in "In Stock" Shocker
by K. K. Cheow

Salesgirl Yeo Tong See shocked housewife Mrs. Chin Tai Tai yesterday by informing her that the goods Mrs. Chin wanted were indeed, "in stock".

"I couldn't believe it," said a weeping and clearly stunned Mrs. Chin yesterday.

"All my life I've been coming to Ornamental Emporium here in Bukit Gorblok," Mrs. Chin sobbed as she dabbed a tear from her face. "And every time I've approached a salesgirl about an item, I've been told that it's 'out of stock'."

Apparently, Mrs. Chin was in the store's lingerie department when she asked Miss Yeo, 21, whether they had any more bloomers in size XXL. Miss Boh then courteously replied, "I believe we have, let me get them for you."

"And if that wasn't traumatic enough," sniffed Mrs. Chin. "The wretched girl actually brought the things for me!"

Miss Yeo has since been suspended from work.

Ornamental Emporium General Manager Mrs. Pai Swee Niah has made an official apology to Mrs. Chin, offering compensation of a year's supply of long underwear.

"We are deeply sorry for the distress caused to Mrs. Chin," said Mrs Pai. "Miss Yeo was new to the store, and clearly inexperienced with our customary practices."

However, Mrs. Pai said that they believed Miss Yeo could be rehabilitated and returned to work in a few days.

"I just have to learn to respect tradition," said a cheerful sounding Miss Yeo when we called her at home earlier today. "And I'm happy that Ornamental Emporium is teaching me classic Singaporean customer care procedures. From now on, I know that what I should do is just stand around looking very sian."

Local Judges Want More Interesting Venues for Trial
by Supreme Kok

Following Justice Chan Seng Onn's and Judicial Commissioner Lee Seiu Kin's hearing of cases in an HDB flat and on board a bus respectively, rumblings are heard from the Supreme Court that judges may now want more variety in trial venues.

"Basically, sitting all day in this wood-panelled room, surrounded by paper is si beh sian," said justice law clerk Mr. Seah Chin Chuay. "Their honours would like a change of pace."

"Actually, there's a sound justification for holding the hearing at the locus in question," said deputy public prosecutor Poh Lay Kao. "The judges would be able to piece together the evidence a lot better."

"And the fresh air will do their elderly peons good," added Mr. Seah. "As it is, they always fall asleep during the course of the trial."

Justice Phang Tng Chuay is now set to try a case in a country club restaurant involving a membership dispute arising from a complaint over the state of their lontong. There, the judge will also sample the lontong, "and maybe also their tau suan."

Justice Kah Kin Nah is also slated to conduct a hearing at a luxury spa, concerning a dispute over the quality of the services of a jacuzzi massage specialist. "I hope His Honour takes a very hands on approach," said one of the lawyers involved.

"It's good for justice to be seen being done out in the open," said Judicial Commissioner Mohammad Dalil bin Bukti, who is scheduled to try a case on the Temasek Island Country Club golf course, concerning the murder of a caddy by a club member.