"People have always said we had a Mickey
Mouse parliament," smiled Mr. Quah. "And now we can prove it!"
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Only Some Singaporeans Abroad Allowed To Vote
by K.K. Cheow
The government has relented, and will allow some
of the 200,000 Singaporeans based overseas to vote in forthcoming elections.
But in assessing who is eligible, certain key
factors will be scrutinised.
"I don't think it's enough to look at mere
duration of stay abroad, or whether the voter has acquired foreign permanent
residence," said Ministry of Hermetic Security spokesman Mr. Keepumavay s/o
Gettridovum. "And if we start assessing every individual person's closeness
of ties to Singapore, it will be very leceh."
"What we need are simple, easy to administer
criteria," said Mr. Gettridovum. "Which is why we're seriously
thinking of only allowing citizens who are in walkover constituencies to
vote."
"It's certainly the front-runner amongst the
other options we're looking at," Mr. Gettridovum continued. "It's
certainly the most inclusive, since it allows the greatest number of
Singaporeans to vote."
"At the same time, it's the cheapest and
most environmentally friendly, since we won't actually have to print any ballot
papers."
"Voters can just turn up at our overseas
mission voting centres and just, you know, have some makan. Talk cock with
friends. Don't worry too much about all this tedious nonsense about politics.
Just concentrate on making money," he said, adding: "Maybe we'll
arrange for them to be able to pay any of their unpaid traffic fines there while
they're at it."
"Why, it'll be just like voting at
home!" beamed Mr. Gettridovum.
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2001. All rights reserved.
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KL to Curb
Hindi Films On TV:
Excessive Dancing Round Trees Blamed
by Ayam Goreng
The Malaysian government has revealed that they
will limit Hindi movies over Malaysian TV, not because Bollywood films run afoul
of Islamic beliefs as previously thought.
Rather, the clampdown is because they run counter
to Malaysian environmental policy.
"Malaysia is the custodian of one of the
world's greatest tropical rainforest catchments," said Malaysian
Environment Ministry spokesman Mr. Haji Dakap bin Pokok.
"And as Bollywood films promote dancing
round trees, we fear that it will encourage people to threaten the growth of our
precious world resource."
The Malaysian Environmental Protection Agency has
cited studies from India showing that people running around trees has led to
significant deforestation.
"Each time a Hindi actor and actress play
'peek-a-boo' behind a tree trunk," said Mr. Pokok. "They place their
hands on the bark. This causes some dermal erosion and shortens the
lifespan of a tree. Parts of Rajasthan are now desert wasteland because of
these dance moves."
Accordingly, the Malaysian government will limit
the number of times Bollywood films, which are hugely popular in Malaysia, are
screened on TV.
Some people believe that such measures are still
insufficient.
"Dancing round trees is just the tip of the
iceberg," said Mr. Mohd. Sembelit bin Dubur, "There's also all this
running around in slow motion in wet sarees! Clearly it doesn't promote saving
water."
Prime Minister Mahathir bin Mohamad blames such
foreign media influences for eroding the moral fibre of the nation. "Due to
these pernicious influences, we are seeing a steep rise in social crimes like
politically-motivated prosecution of politicians, planting of incriminating
evidence, subjugation of the judiciary and... uh, what were we talking about,
again?"
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Local Lawyers Leaving Law For Crime
by Kway Png and Kong Khai Wah
Despite starting salaries of about $4,200 a month excluding bonus, young lawyers
are leaving legal practice.
Close to 90 lawyers in their 30s or below have left the 3,500-strong profession so far this year.
And the trend is expected to continue.
According to a recent survey done by the Law Society, 70% of young lawyers who have fewer than seven years of practice said they had thoughts of leaving the
profession in a few years' time.
While many of them cited work stress and unreasonable demands from clients, the
main reason seems to be that they feel misled about what life as a lawyer would
be like.
When interviewed by TalkingCock, 10 young lawyers who had left recently said they could
not tolerate the long hours and the mind-numbing paper work.
"Do you ever see Ally McBeal stuck in a
container in Tuas going through documents?" said Mr. Kah Kin Siam, 25.
"TV always show these groovy lawyers zipping
to court in fancy cars and designer suits, and making all these high-sounding
arguments about justice and fairness, and then going for dinner at high-class
restaurants," said Miss Perjure Lee, 29.
"In Singapore, you're likely to rush to
court in a cab with a super kan-cheong driver who's scolding you for using
vouchers to pay instead of cash. And I can't afford my gown, so I borrow my
boss's which hasn't been washed since they had to wear wigs. Have you ever
seen ten-year old dandruff? And I'm usually in court to plead guilty for my
client who kena fine for some mosquito-breeding offence. I'll be damn
lucky to get a shoplifting case! And the level of argument usually extends to
how long I need to postpone, sorry, adjourn, the matter so I can finish
the conveyancing work for another client. After that, if there's time, we'll get
an ice horlicks at the Sub Courts bar room and giggle at the lau cheow ambulance
chasers."
It's thus no wonder that many young lawyers are
leaving for more exciting jobs.
One of them, Mr Chin Bo Eng, 27, quit to take on a business development role for an “adult
entertainment firm” in Geylang Lorong 69, said, “It was crazy, I seemed to spend
entire nights in the office stressing over whether I bundled my affidavits in
the right colour ring binders, and whether my page margins were in accordance
with the Practice Directions.”
TalkingCock discovered that this had an impact on the social lives of young lawyers, as
Mr Chin went on to share, “Ni nao hiah! So by the time I left the office, all the girls in Geylang
had already “siew kang liao” (finished work). Want to get quicky also cannot. Now at
least my current job allows me to spend more time doing what I enjoy,” he added.
And more time doing what they enjoyed certainly was a key reason many of them chose a
different profession.
Ms Doit d/o Tomeagainandagain, 26, quit her job with a prestigious law firm and joined
the company Mr Chin now represents.
“Why not lah, dey?” she said, “When I was a lawyer, I also kena screwed
everyday. At least this time, it's by more pleasant people. And my hourly
billing rate also higher!”
For former lawyer Kuah Vee Deo, 28, his resignation in December last year to become a
pirated VCD salesman probably raised some eyebrows among his friends as his father is
a cinema operator. But despite initial misgivings, his parents have given
their support and blessing.
Said his father, Mr Kuah Moo Vee, 55: “Cinemas are so old economy and gah'men
always talk about how we must work with new technology. So I think my son is
thinking ahead ."
"This job is cool. It's taking me to so many more places than the
law," said the younger Mr. Kuah. "Why, today alone, I went to four MRT stations and bus
interchanges. Some more, I'm already earning three times the starting pay of new
lawyers!"
“My lawyer friends are green with envy when I tell them get to watch all the latest movies
and x-rated titles rather than read law journals as research for my job,” he said with a
laugh. “Best part is that if I get caught, I can defend myself!”
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Teen Confirms That He Was 'Tricked' Into Porn
Sites
by Pak Cham Kai
Following a NTU study which showed that 1 out of
2 youngsters are 'tricked' into accessing porn on the Internet, a local teenager
has confirmed that he was indeed duped into looking at cybersmut.
"I merely keyed in the word 'breasts' into
the search engine," said Mr. See Bak Chiam, 13, to his parents yesterday.
"And instead of being taken to sites dealing with healthy chicken parts
like I had intended, I was whizzed to 'houseoffilth.com'. And I spent two
hours there, because I was, like, in shock."
"This happens on a daily basis," said
Bak Chiam. "Like yesterday, I logged on to 'filthyteen.com', which I
assumed from its innocent-sounding title to be about youth hygiene. Imagine my
surprise."
Bak Chiam's father, Mr. See Chin Song, 40, said
he was extremely concerned: "I really don't think there are sufficient
safeguards for our young."
Bak Chiam readily agreed: "Yes, it's so
ambiguous! When I was asked whether I was 21 or over, I immediately thought, 'Of
course I'm over 21 cm in height!' and clicked to enter the site."
"You just don't know what dangerous things a
kid might pick up on these sites," said an irate Mr. See. "Pleasuring
women, being sensitive to their erogenous zones... why, it's so
un-Confucian! Why aren't there more sites devoted to wholesome traditional
Asian practices like foot-binding and polygamy?"
Bak Chiam has recently had his surfing privileges
taken away, but apparently he's not too bothered.
"I'm enjoying my new hobby a lot more,"
he smiled broadly. "Watching Cat 3 VCDs from Hong Kong. The quality
is much better than streaming video, and I also get to learn a new
language."
In the meantime, Mr. See is sufficiently incensed
at the availability of smut online that he is devoted to cataloguing every
single sex site there is on the internet, so that other children don't
accidentally stumble onto them.
"It's a dirty job," said Mr. See,
stocking up on Kleenex and flexing his right hand. "But I'm doing it for
the children."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Oldest Singlish Term Discovered
by Chin Du Lan
Our own famous journalist Cherry N. George (who is currently pursuing his Ph.D. in the Ivy League University of
Stamfart in California) has discovered what is possibly the oldest Singlish term
known to man.
Mr. George was doing research in the archives of the
Colonial Library, when he stumbled across the find.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I came across this newspaper cutting of the Straits Settlement Times in
1932," said an excited George. "Where there was a transcript of a conversation between a Chinese
and Indian immigrant. This would certainly add to the rich Singapore linguistic
heritage!”
The term that has gotten him so hyped up is what appeared in the 1932 newspaper between a Mr. Ah Seng and Mr. Thambi which is reproduced as follows:
Thambi: Eh, Ah Seng where you going? I orrrrrredy order the food for you!
Ah Seng: Donch mind, I only goes 10 minutes, I cannot tahan, I must “PUT SHIT” (term emphasised)
Thambi: OK Lah, you go and “PUT” first ah, I wait for you lah!
Ah Seng: Nebber mind, you carry on first, lah!
The term “Put Shit” is actually a verbatim translation of the Hokkien term “pung
sai” into English. During those days, English was the language of communication between the ethnic groups unlike present day Singapore
which promotes Mandarin.
And that is the root of many other terms used to describe other bowel movements. The other term “Put Fart” is also an English translation of the Hokkien term “pung
pui”.
The Singapore Museum Board has reportedly offered $2,500,000.00 for the newspaper cutting.
“It would certainly draw in more visitors to the Museum and would educate Singaporeans on its rich cultural heritage,” says Ms. Floreign Talent, a UK citizen and Chief Curator of the museum [Editor’s Note:
Ms Talent was on the dole in the UK for 3 years before being given the top post through Singapore’s Foreign Talent
Scheme.]
Ms. Talent added “So far our research shows that only Singaporeans aged 40 and above are familiar with this term. This term has been lost to the younger generations. The closest term currently used is ‘Skius, I
go toilet, carry on’. We must make all efforts to preserve this dying language. If nothing is done by the government to revive it, we predict that Singlish will become extinct within the next 15 years”.
Apparently, despite earlier misgivings about the use of Singlish, the Singapore government has taken a keen interest in this.
"We are convinced about the use of Singlish
now that we have been persuaded it can be translated into tourist dollars,"
said a spokesman for the Ministry of Colonial Brown-nosers.
Accordingly, the government will be spending $25 million over the next 5 years to preserve this dying
language. The government will be setting up a committee comprising of Ang Mor foreign talents and
Malaysian citizens disguised as Singaporeans to spearhead this initiative. The government is confident that this will be a resounding success.
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2001. All rights reserved.
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