Opposition Parties to Form Getai Lion Dancing
Troupe
by Pak Cham Kai
In the wake of amendments to the Public
Entertainments and Meetings Act, which have liberalised the issuance of permits
for organisers of events like getai, fashion shows, magic shows and traditional
dance performances, local opposition parties have decided to form a getai lion
dance troupe.
"We note that the new measures will allow
people to simply notify the police if they intend to bang heavy drums and prance
around in costume, but still require a troublesome permit process if we simply
want to make a small speech," said spokesman Mr. Khee Teow Boo, for the
newly formed Singapore People's National Solidarity Workers' Lion Dance Party
Troupe.
"So we have decided to express our political
opinions in traditional Chinese song and dance," said Mr. Khee.
Mr. Khee then flipped a switch, whereupon a
traditional lion and dragon emerged from behind the audience, and where, to the
accompaniment of drums and cymbals, the dragon proceeded to rhythmically stuff
cabbages down the lion's throat.
"We can see how the piece symbolises the
government's gagging of the populace by focusing on materialism," said Mr.
Khee to the stunned audience.
As the lion and dragon dancers slipped away,
however, a screen parted to show Mr. Chiam See Tong, Mr. J.B. Jeyaretnam, Mr.
Chee Soon Juan, Mr. Yip Yew Weng and Mr. Low Thia Kang, all standing in a row,
with their backs to the audience, and dressed in baggy sweaters and cargo pants.
As pop music began to blare from speakers, the
opposition politicians all swirled round in perfect unison and did a little
choreographed dance, while singing in five part harmony.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Mr. Khee,
beaming. "I give you... the Backbench Boys, performing their debut hit, Quit
Playin' Games (With My Vote)! We've already been booked solid for the
Hungry Ghost Month by every getai organiser from Bedok to Woodlands."
Mr. Khee said that there would be no speechmaking
whatsoever, so as to comply with the new regulations. Instead, getai attendees
can look forward to the Backbench Boys performing musical song and dance numbers
such as 'I'll Never Get Your Vote' and 'As Long As You Vote Me'.
"We're actually thrilled by this new mode of
expression," said Mr. Khee. "This way we can show voters that we're
not just giving them the old song and dance."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Navy Officers Detained for Violently Mast
Debating
by K.K.Cheow
Two Republic of Singapore Navy officers, CPT Thye
Tan Yik and LTA Karpal bin Habis, were detained yesterday after a vigorous
argument about the future development of mast construction threatened to turn
violent.
The two officers were on board their vessel, the
Missile Corvette RSN Turgidity, at the time, having just returned from a
month-long exercise in the South China Sea.
According to witnesses amongst the crew, CPT Thye
had allegedly insisted that the main aim of mast construction should be shielding equipment from the ravages of weather and saltwater, which
leads to significant costs every year for the Navy. CPT Thye thus suggested a
general reduction in mast size to take into account these needs.
On the other hand, LTA Karpal emphasised the need
for mast construction to factor in radar signature reduction. This is
because although stick mast and mast equipment accounts for 8% of the ship’s
radar cross-section (RCS), present radar-absorbing materials and structural
shaping do not provide adequate RCS reduction. Accordingly, this might
require more complex construction, and possibly larger masts.
According to witnesses, CPT Thye retorted that
cost was obviously not on LTA Karpal's mind, while LTA Karpal retorted that CPT
Thye was "obsessed by size".
At this point, the highly technical debate turned
into a fistfight. Crew members tried to keep them apart, but failed. Eventually,
the Military Police were called in. The incident is now being
investigated.
Apparently, the two officers have since
reconciled their differences and apologised to each other. However, the
punishment for their behaviour is still being debated, although it is not
expected to be severe.
"Actually, I'm not surprised that the naval
officers were mast debating so vigourously," said Rear Admiral Soh Do Mee
at a press conference held at HQ RSN. "They're at sea for long periods,
without many alternatives to let off steam. It's just
unfortunate they decided to take matters into their own hands."
Still, some navy officers find it hard to believe
that anyone could get so heated up over mast construction.
"Mast debating indeed!" sneered MAJ
Chay Tong Kang. "They're just wankers!"
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Woman Charged For Baring Opinions in Public
by Pak Cham Kai
A woman was charged yesterday for exposing her
personal beliefs in public.
Miss Cakap bin Banyak, 22, allegedly removed her
inhibitions and bared her thoughts at Poison, a popular Scotts Road discotheque,
at about 11 pm sometime in January this year.
According to witnesses, Miss Cakap spoke without
any reservations for about ten minutes at the nightspot, without a trace of
modesty or even shielding her exposed mouth with her hand.
Miss Cakap apparently spoke on a variety of
subjects, ranging from the weather to income tax, and also a comment on the
unfortunate dress sense of her boss.
Miss Cakap, however, was silent in court, where
her lawyer asked for an adjournment so he could take further instructions.
"I think this sort of uninhibited behaviour
clearly shows lax morals amongst our youth and an erosion of traditional
Singaporean values ," said Ministry of Information Suppression spokesman
Mr. Mike Kong. "In the old days, Singaporeans knew better than to display
their thoughts publicly. If they needed to express themselves, they would
either just suppress it by singing karaoke or playing a round of golf."
"But nowadays, young people feel they can
say whatever they want, whenever they want! They should learn that opinions are
intimate details that should not be exposed for all the world to see,"
continued Mr.Kong.
The Ministry intends to take action which
actively discourages such behaviour in the future.
"We are disturbed because this kind of
wanton behaviour leads to communicable diseases such as HIV (Human Imparting of
Views) Syndrome," said Ministry of Health spokesperson Dr. Otak bin Sakit.
"Already, the number of afflected Singaporeans is rising dramatically. We
have to prevent an epidemic."
However, Dr. Otak said that the government's
policy would not be merely punitive, but would also include mass public
education.
"Our young people must be taught that speech
must be exercised with responsibility," said Dr. Otak. "That it may
only be done by mature people like MPs, and only practised in appropriate
places, like Parliament."
If Miss Cakap is found guilty, she can be
prevented from ascending in the civil service.
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Move to Humanize MPs Launched
by Kway Png
Last week, Project Access, a Public Education
Committee work group, organised a dialogue session where public figures were
urged to share their personal lives with the public.
"Basically, we hope our leaders will make
themselves more accessible," said Project Access coordinator Miss Chin Kay
Poh at a press conference. "Right now, there's a perception that our
leaders are very removed from the realm of the average Singaporean. This
is clearly untrue. It would be really good for our leaders to show that they are
only human like the rest of us, with typical problems, passions and
interests."
"That-is-an-excellent-idea," said
Public Service Commission spokesman Mr. Loh Boh Teck, who was in attendance.
"It-is-definitely-beneficial-for-the-humans-to-empathise-with-us. Klik.
Whirrrrr. Come in Charlie One. Over. Bzzzzt."
"We believe that by showing their human
side, it would help our leaders win more votes in the election," said Miss
Chin, pausing momentarily as she flipped the pages of her script, a puzzled and
anxious crease on her brow.
"Sorry. I meant to say, 'help them be more
effective in their duties'. Please disregard that comment on the election. This
exercise is not, I repeat, not a PR attempt to win voter sympathy. Is
that clear? Good. Uh, can all of you hand your IC numbers to the ASP at the
door, please?"
Project Access will now be coordinating a
campaign where MPs will be scheduled to spontaneously show their human sides.
This weekend, Project Access will feature Hong
Kan GRC MP and Minister of State for Prevarication, Mr. Wu Yiah Boh, who will
show that he's just your average, ordinary Singaporean who just happens to live
with a Gurkha stationed outside his 600,000 square foot bungalow.
Mr. Wu confirmed this. "At 0800 hours, I
will be shown going to my regular kopi tiam for a cup of coffee. Uh, Miss Chin,
what's the address of my regular kopi tiam again?"
"And after that, I will show how I spend my
lunch hour by working out in the office gym, giving my kids private maths
tuition, having my Ahmad fetch them to speech and drama-cum-polo lessons, and
also enjoying a, uh, brief but productive session with my wife. Just like any
ordinary Singaporean would."
"Of course we MPs have all the usual
problems Singaporeans have," said Mr. Wu. "Like many Singaporeans, I
also agonize over who to vote for, in case my flat isn't upgraded. Like many
Singaporeans, I also struggle with my children's performance in school.
Why, I recently had to transfer my son to the United World College because he
was outperforming his classmates at Chinese High. Typical, everyday stuff like
that."
"We also believe that this exercise will
promote family life," added Miss Chin. "Provided, of course, that
everyone's family is exactly like an MP's, which are all peaceful,
non-dysfunctional and exemplary."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Bukit
Gorblok Secondary Uncovers Time Capsule
by Coq Au Vin
Memories were recovered when Bukit Gorblok Secondary School opened up
a time capsule that had been buried in the school's cornerstone for 50 years.
"Actually, hor, we'd forgotten all about it," said principal Chin Eh Lau, "We only found it again when we started renovation on the new
wing. At first we thought it was one of those unexploded World War II rockets from the Blitz."
Calm was restored over the school when one of the students pointed out that the Blitz only happened in England, and anyway, Bukit
Gorblok Secondary was built in 1950, five years after the war ended.
The capsule, a sealed metal box the size of a shoe box, was taken to
the National Archives where its opening under controlled conditions was witnessed by several Bukit
Gorblok representatives, including Lim Peh, who reminisced about the Boxer Rebellion, got angry when he was asked
what that had to do with the capsule, urinated in the corner and molested his nurse.
Finally, at a press conference held on 28th February 2001, the contents of the capsule were presented, representing what life was like for the
students of Bukit Gorblok Secondary School:
