Story Archive 26

Eminem to Write National Songs for NDP 2001
by Seymour Kok

Forget Count on Me Singapore. Be prepared to be entertained by super-star Eminem this National Day! In an effort to reach out to younger and apathetic Singaporeans, the Ministry of Community Development has engaged the talents of the hip and highly controversial rapper to pen a total of five national songs. These songs, to be given massive radio and television air-time, are meant to revive the dwindling national interest of local teenagers by integrating patriotism with popular culture.

The Ministry’s spokesman Mr Chio Hip Hop explains: “Eminem purports many of the values the government cherishes. His lyrics about killing gays coincide with our anti-gay policies. His disdain for women also dovetails with our Confucian ideology where women should be kept barefoot and pregnant. It is indeed rare for a pop icon to be so old fashioned. I’ll even go so far as to say Eminem would make a first class civil servant in Singapore if he weren’t,
well, ang mor.”

When asked about the rapper’s penchant for vulgarity, Mr Chio replied: “With globalisation, the knowledge-based economy demands neo-liberalisation and constant adaptation to market-trends. Here we need to think out of the box and teach creativity by careful and calculated emulation.”

When asked what he meant by all the jargon, Mr Chio spread his legs, tilted his hips, struck a pose and uttered: “Peace.”

According to Mr Chio, Eminem has already drafted one song. In an exclusive release to the Straits Times, Project Eyeball, Today, The New Paper, Streats, Lianhe Zhao Pao, Lianhe Wan Pao, Tamil Murasu, Berita Harian and the plethora of women’s magazines only, the song tentatively titled "Yo Mutherpluckers O Spore" was played. There was an audible gasp from journalists as Mr Chio jived to the rap.

“Yo yo yo…
Got a call this morning,
Good, coz my wife got boring.
Just slit the bitch’s throat you know
Gotta hide her B4 the pluck-cops show.
It was SM Lee on the line
Plucking Malaysians again they whine
“Cut your water! No respect!
Move CIQ like just dat???”
I ask my homie what he wanted
He said, “Kill the pluck-ing bastards!”
Yo Mutherpluckers O Spore,
Let’s settle the plucking score!
Rape KL and nuke their women
Sell char siew to the hedons.
Yo Mutherpluckers O Spore,
Let’s settle the plucking score!”

When the rap was over Mr Chio put on his sunglasses, tied a red bandanna over his head and swaggered out of the conference room. The Ministry’s announcement, however, has not gone down well with civil and minority groups.

AWARE’s spokesperson Ms Dana Lam summed up angry views: “Our request for Madonna to write our national songs have been turned down year after year. The original Material Girl for the original material country, so gum right? The pop diva has won countless Grammys but the Ministry has always snubbed her. Now this young punk comes along and they grab him. Typical! See you in the ST Forum Page!”

When asked for a comment, Fann Wong who is slated to perform with Eminem on 9th August at the National Stadium had this to say: “Yes, I love Eminem. Only melt in your mouth, never melt in your hands. So delicious too! I eat everyday but not too much, I scared get pimples. My favourite is the peanut type. Your favourite leh?”

Teenagers are excited with the news. Lock En Low, 16, remarked, “Yo this is fab. Eminem is bitchin’ fat! Word to the wise, our turf ain’t rockin’ ya know what I mean? Time to hip up the hop and hop down the hip. Peace!”

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Heroin Most Popular Drug, Says CNB
by Coq Au Vin

The Central Narcotics Bureau says that heroin continues to be the most popular drug in the results of a recent poll among drug users.

"Despite the rise in popularity of newer street drugs like Ketamine, heroin still remains the number one drug of choice," said CNB spokesman Senior Narcotics Officer Sio Hong Kee, "80 percent of drug users can't be wrong."

Heroin users cited the rapid satisfaction and high addictive effects of the drug as the reason for their placing it at number one.

"Other drugs just don't quite measure up," said long-time drug taster and connoisseur, Kee Teo Cham, "Ecstasy and ice take longer to take effect and in the end, don't have the same bouquet or piquancy that the hot, rapid rush of chasing the dragon has as the smoke rushes pass your nostrils into your lungs and sending you into blissful oblivion."

The heroin producing industry is gratified at the CNB's stamp of approval.

"Of course, this endorsement by the CNB means a great deal to us," said Chia Peh Hoon, a heroin importer whose family business dates back to the Opium Wars, "We've worked hard to keep that combination of pure diamorphine, sugar, caffeine and eleven secret herbs and spices to give drug users that same, satisfying heroin experience that has been our hallmark for generations."

Mr Chia continued, "We're just happy our customers are and we pledge to continue giving them the high quality products they demand and deserve."

He laughed at that, "High quality, get it? Just a little drug humour there."

Mr Chia announced they will be releasing all future shipments of the drug with the CNB logo and the words "Singapore's #1 drug!" stamped on the packaging.

"Thank you, CNB and thank you, Singapore," he said again, "We won't let you down."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Cosmopolitan/Heartlander Divide Widens with Brawl
by Seymour Kok

The widening gulf between the Cosmopolitan Singaporean and Heartlander Singaporean was exacerbated yesterday when a minor disagreement in Raffles City’s Starbucks led to a brawl.

Classified as rioting, the case is currently under police investigation. Cultural ideology and (re)alignment of the Self within the dialectics of modernity and postmodernity seemed to have been the cause of the violent flare-up.

Ahmad bin Kopimat 19, a self-described heartlander, was serving overseas scholar Jerome-Patrick Chan, 22, a Grande Ice Latte when Chan was alleged to have insulted Kopimat’s pseudo-American accent.

Said Kopimat: “Chan didn’t like the way I repeated his order to my crew. He called me a cheap proletariat who should not appropriate alien cunning linguistics. I told him not to interpellate me and that I was sick of the hegemony his hybridised sort exerted over geo-locational entities.”

Chan was unrepentant and offered his side of the story.

“Kopimat and his mangled sort do not know the harm they are rendering to the Singaporean psyche. Constant appropriation and re-appropriation of cultural narratives without the requisite cultural capital for access causes disjuncture in local postcolonial narratives. The pseudo-American accent in which he yelled out ‘Grande Ice Latte’ to his crew drew attention to gross misappropriation. What I actually said to him was: ‘Your proletarian upbringing is rich in cheap narratives. Be proud of them! Do not appropriate cunning linguistics!’

“He obviously misunderstood me and thought I was calling him a cheap puki-muncher!”

Upon this misunderstanding, according to witnesses, Kopimat screamed: “Enough of this cultural oppression you fucking hybridised cosmopolitan! You and I are the same, we pick and choose our own narratives! Down with modernity and the Enlightenment!”

To which Chan was heard to have retorted: “Enlightenment? Why you’ve never even read Kant! Show me your Kant!”

At this point Kopimat was alleged to have thrown the Ice Latte in Chan’s face. Chan jumped over the counter and furious punches were exchanged. Kopimat’s colleague Boh Cheng Hu was seen to kick Chan as the two wrestled on the coffee-stained floor. (Starbucks’s management has since condemned this report as inaccurate. Their floor is mopped three times a day, they claim.)

Angered by the heartlander’s partisan help, Chan’s friends, Christopher Wang Jon-Wu and William-James Tan, both 22, jumped over the counter and began pummelling Boh with the establishment’s breadsticks. Boh suffered serious head injuries.

The police have declined to comment on the incident. NUS sociology Professor Kuah Lang Pah confirmed this incident as sign of growing social and cultural tension between cosmopolitans and heartlanders.

“Globalisation is indeed separating the haves from the have-nots with great speed. As the rich grow richer and the poor, well, continue to work at Starbucks and Mcdonalds, unhappiness and envy will become catalysts for violent outbreaks. Snobbery and cultural flaunting will also serve to engender distrust between the two groups. It is unfortunate that PM Goh coined these terms. By attaching labels to people you construct and interpellate them. Another divide and conquer strategy by the PAP to ensure electoral victories.”

EDB to Stimulate Growth of S&M Enterprises
by K F See

The Economic Development Board of Singapore has pledged $69 million to help the growth of local Small and Medium enterprises, more commonly known as S&M enterprises. This is part of EDB's S&M 21 initiative to promote Singapore as a hub for S&M enterprises.

Said Mr Koh Leong, spokesperson for the EDB, "This initiative is the climax of a pain-filled year-long study on how to improve the sagging fortunes of our local S&M enterprises. In our study, we pierced, I mean, pieced together all the evidence and realized that many S&M enterprises felt pinned down because of lack of funds. With this $69 million boost, we will be able to whip many of these S&M enterprises back into shape and stimulate their growth."

According to Mr Koh, our local S&M enterprises have traditionally been involved largely in the manufacturing sector, making niche items like chains, ropes, nettings, canes, latex products, and leather apparel. All these items are usually sold on the local market, but the EDB believes that with this additional funding, the EDB will be able to help these S&M enterprises export their goods to the region, and challenge other regional companies, especially powerhouses from Haadyai, Phuket, and Pattaya.

There were mixed reactions to this announcement. Mr Mah Soh Kiss, sporting strange bruises and slash-lines
on his arms and neck, was ecstatic about this export initiative. He said "I am very excited about expanding my business and going regional. I plan to go and visit Haadyai and Pattaya on business trips a few times a year to check out their products and, erm, services. It will be spanking great!"

Mr Doh Ghee Stauw , on the other hand, was more wary: "I'm not so sure about how receptive other countries
will be to our products. For example, I think the Malaysians prefer things more natural. Besides, the Malaysians might see this EDB funding as a form of export subsidy to help us penetrate into their Malaysian market, and you know how much they dislike this kind of back-door entry. I heard you can be put in jail, punched in the eye, and poisoned with arsenic for doing back-door entry."

Besides the manufacturing sector, the EDB also hopes that this initiative will help boost the service sector, the life sciences industry, and the IT industry. "We believe we can achieve great synergy and reap high value-added returns if all these industries can clit, I mean, click together," said Mr Koh.

He added, "S&M hotels like Hotel 81 along Geylong Lorong 69 are currently doing very well. We are hoping to tie up a joint-partnership with them to help other promising S&M service enterprises."

"In the life sciences, we hope that some S&M companies will do research in increasingly hot areas like lubrication, sensory enhancement, and sanitary body-piercing. We are also looking for firms to study the various thresholds of pain that the human body can take, and also to find cures for the strange diseases that our men always seem to contract when they go on business trips to neighbouring countries."

"As for the IT industry, we are trying to convince the S&M enterprises that they can also succeed on the Internet, as long as they update their content daily. We will also hire some foreign talent from the US, Japan, and Amsterdam to advise them on how to 'trick' surfers, especially innocent Singaporean teenagers, to visit their sites."

Mr Koh also announced that the EDB will be offering more overseas scholarships for students. Upon returning from their studies, they will serve out their bondage in these S&M enterprises. But of course, if these S&M scholars decide to break free from their bondage, severe pain will be inflicted on them.

In response, ex-scholar Mai Hong Kan from O'Reilly University commented that, "At least I finally had that irritating tracking device removed from my, erm, rear orifice. You know, the one that vibrates and makes that irritating electronic noise: 'Filip, filip, filip...'"

Finally, when asked whether the EDB will do anything to help the agricultural sector, the EDB spokesperson
said "We will help out some high-tech agricultural S&M companies, like those producing brinjals and cucumbers. We believe these products will become increasingly popular, judging from the recent census report that more and more women are remaining single. But we will not help companies that deal with animals or beasts; I believe those companies lie outside the definition of S&M."