Story Archive 27

Chief Justice Reappointed For Next Three Centuries
by Coq Au Vin

Chief Justice Yong Pung How has been reappointed to his post, effective April 11, a move which has nothing to do with the impending General Elections this year.

The Supreme Court, in a statement to the press, stated that the Honourable Chief Justice has been so successful in his tenure in the highest judicial office in the land, streamlining the legal service and the speed at which cases are conducted in the legal system, that it would be difficult to replace him.

"To that end," said Supreme Court spokesperson Assistant Registrar Poh Lei Kao, "We are placing the Chief Justice in a cybernetic shell that will keep him on indefinite life support for the next three centuries."

The state of the art exo-skeleton will effectively turn the Chief Justice into a cybernetic organism, or cyborg, a half-man, half machine guaranteed to strike terror into the hearts of criminals everywhere.

In addition to sustaining his bodily functions, the cyborg shell will also include a two-inch thick titanium armour plating, a surface-to-surface rocket battery, .50 calibre machine guns mounted on both hips, electronic tracking and countermeasures, the ability to fire seven different kinds of shells, sattelite television access, and an on-board food processor.

Once the Chief Justice gets used to his new suit, which will also give him the strength of fifty men and the ability to leap the UOB Building in a single bound, Phase Two of the project will be initiated.

"In an effort to bring justice closer to the people, the Chief Justice himself will be patrolling the streets and seeking out crime. He will then adjudge the case and sentence the accused person on the spot, without the need for lawyers, saving valuable court time and the accused money as he doesn't have to pay lawyers' fees."

Legislation is being prepared to allow the Chief Justice to dispense immediate sentences such as an electrical shock, a hand-mounted rattan cannon for rapid-fire caning and automatic debiting of the accused's bank account for a fine.

When asked about capital offences, Mr Poh simply pointed to the .50 calibre machine guns.

The Chief Justice looked forward to his impending transformation into an unstoppable crimefighting machine.

"It's getting harder for me to ride out on my Harley-Davidson at night, wearing a leather jacket and wielding a baseball bat just to terrorize criminals," he remarked, "Nothing says 'deterrent sentence' better than a hollow-point to the head."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Voters Able To Vote Single Party In Future Elections
by K.K. Cheow

The government has announced yet another streamlining measure to make the voting process more efficient and convenient for the electorate.

According to Elections Department spokesperson Mr. Gerry Mandhir, "Just last week Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng announced that we'll now be declaring election results from a single centre that is off-limits to the public. But being productivity-oriented, we won't rest on our laurels. Soon, we also hope to enable the entire country to vote for a single party in a process that is off-limits to the public."

"Why stop at just streamlining announcement centres, when you can also streamline the elections?" said Mr. Mandhir. "There'll also be significant savings in printing and manpower to tabulate the vote. And everyone our ISD agents personally polled said that it was a fantastic idea too."

However, the discussion at the press conference focused less on this new measure than on the recent single announcement centre policy.

The single-announcement centre measure has already met with significant criticism, especially from opposition party supporters, who see it as yet another measure to marginalise them.

"Last time, either from actually being at the announcement centres or from the media coverage of what's going on there, Singaporeans could see that there were actually people who supported the opposition," said Workers Party spokesman Boh Seah Leow.

"But now with the results coming purely by broadcast from a place that is off-limits to the public, people might as well think that opposition supporters are the local equivalent of the Loch Ness monster, or the Yeti. It'll be that much easier to dismiss our existence."

But Mr. Mandhir easily dismissed that.

"I wouldn't place too much credence in statements from purely fictitious people," he said. "The establishment of a single announcement centre was purely to make life more comfortable for voters. Instead of having to come out in the tropical heat and shout a lot in support of their candidate, they can now stay home, and sit in a comfy chair with an ice cold Tiger."

Mr. Mandhir also emphasised other benefits of the single announcement centre.

"Last time, due to all the noisemaking by certain supporters, and the ISD knows who they are, no one could hear the speeches of victorious PAP candidates. Now, the electorate won't be deprived of this pleasure. Especially if they use their remote and turn up the volume."

"Or press the 'mute' button," said a reporter, who suddenly vanished beneath a trapdoor into a pool of sharks.

"Also," continued Mr. Mandhir. "Troublemakers have jeered and taunted the candidates and their supporters. We see a very real potential for such situations to escalate and turn ugly."

When another reporter asked how they arrived at this assessment considering there have been no arrests whatsoever for public disorder offences at announcement centres over the past several decades, even at the tense Cheng San GRC centre during the last election, Mr. Mandhir turned to a security officer and responded: "Sergeant, can you throw your razor sharp bowler hat at that reporter, please?"

Mr. Mandhir then continued to point out that the single announcement centre did not mean supporters could not gather. Special assembly centres would be set up for candidates and their supporters.

"No decision has been made yet, but we have made some preliminary allocations based on electoral figures. So the PAP and their supporters will get the Singapore Indoor Stadium, while the Workers Party and Singapore People's Party will each get an attap hut in Kranji."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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New Courtesy Campaign: Giving A Helping Hand Where It Counts
by Pak Cham Kai

Next year's Courtesy Campaign will be about moving beyond politeness, to actively lending support where it counts most. Meaning genitalia.

The government has already subtly introduced this agenda in the last campaign, as evidenced by this poster:

Notice how in the encircled portion, one Singaporean gives a courteous gesture of support to his fellow commuter.

"We feel that it's not enough to merely give way or mouth pleasantries. We want to encourage the active extension of helping hands in a uniquely Singaporean way," said Ministry of Sycophancy spokesman Mr. Lee Seow Wah. "And what could be more Singaporean than carrying another's balls?"

To encourage more ball carrying, the campaign will highlight the benefits of genital support.

For one, it definitely leads to flat upgrading.

Said Kim Keat resident Miss Adabaru bte Busstop, "It's true! All I did was gently angkat my MP's scrotum during the last elections, and voila! I have a covered walkway from the void deck to the bus stop. Unlike Potong Pasir across the road, where you can even find chickens roaming the car park."

It is also hoped that courteous genital support will also bolster Singapore's move to boost the population and the next campaign will involve a tie-up with the Committee on Marriage and Procreation.

Said Mr. Lee, "However, we recognise that this encouragement of genital support could also run the risk of promoting promiscuity. And we definitely want to avoid that. So in line with our family values policy, the campaign slogan will be: 'Let's Por Politely - But Two Is Enough'."

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MOE: Computers To Replace Teachers
by Kway Png

Following Education Minister Rear-Admiral Teo Chee Hean's statements that teachers were not as easy to assign or replace as computers, the Ministry of Education in a burst of lateral thinking has decided to simply replace teachers with computers.

Said RADM Teo in parliament last week, "With computers, you just put in the order; they will arrive next week, and most importantly, each computer that comes in is of the same quality, or perhaps even more powerful than the older models. Can we do that with teachers? Would we enjoy a bulk discount if we hire more teachers? And will they be as good as or better than the ones currently in service?'

"After hearing Minister speak, we spent a lot of time up in our spanking new HQ at Buona Vista, cracking our heads, wondering how we could derive the same level of utility from teachers as computers," said MOE spokesman Kah Ghin Nah, dressed in a sharp black suit and opaque sunglasses.

"Minister has often said that in an ideal world, what he would like to do is fire all the teachers and then hire back only the good ones, but at double the pay," continued Mr. Kah. "But this was impractical, not to say expensive."

However, the answer came to them after a round of community singing and marathon readings of 'The Next Lap': "Why were we trying to make teachers more like computers when we could just use computers?"

Beginning next year, all teachers will slowly be phased out, and replaced by brand new networked PCs.

Following the MOE's IT Masterplan, there will be one PC to every two students. The PC will dispense homework, establish deadlines, and grade it. Using the network, grades can be cross-computed and mined for a variety of uses, from automated streaming to university placement and remedial class assignment. PCs can even mete out punishment, such as denying access to email or chatroom privileges.

"This is significant progress over the present system," said Mr. Kah. "Whereby our teachers are impeded from fulfilling their deliverables by system inefficiencies such as having families."

The new system will also present massive savings in CPF, and in time, will be integrated into an island-wide system that will also determine reservist call-up dates, tax filing, and voter-tracking, amongst others.

"This move heralds a brave new world for Singapore," said Mr. Kah, who then announced that the 'M' in MOE would shortly stand for 'Matrix'.

And what of the flesh and blood teachers who will be replaced by their efficient mechanical counterparts?

"They are not being fired at all," said Mr. Kah. "Simply re-assigned in accordance with their unique abilities. They will now help Singapore with our important task of reducing reliance on foreign manual labour."

Businessmen Lament Crackdown On Use Of Buddhist Terms
by Zinger

The crackdown by the Registry of Companies and Businesses and the Singapore Buddhist Federation on the use of of Buddhist terms by organisations with no links to the religion has upset some local businessmen.

"I don't see what's so inappropriate about my company's name," said Mr. Boh Kah See, proprietor of Buddha Lamps and Lightbulbs (S) Pte Ltd. "I mean, we also help people attain enlightenment, what."

Similar sentiments were also expressed by Mr. Boh's brother, Mr. Boh Pai Sin, the owner of Zen Massage Parlour Pte Ltd and Nirvana Escort Services Pte Ltd.

"We guarantee all our customers that our service reps will service them until they reach a higher plane of being. Definitely no misrepresentation there."

A customer of Nirvana we spoke to, on grounds of anonymity, said that the new restrictions would cause him not only inconvenience, but moral conundrums.

"Last time, while driving off after work, I would call my wife and tell her I'd be home late as I was trying to reach Nirvana. And it would be the truth! Now if Nirvana kena change name, I'll be turned into a liar."

Buddhist Federation spokesman Venerable Khee Liam Kheng has affirmed the society's stance about what they see as the flagrant abuse of religious terms.

"Personally, I attribute this problem to two groups of people: the pantang types who use the name in the hope that it'll bring them good luck, meaning money; and the ang-morified types who use the name to imbue some exoticism to their business. Both types will be reincarnated as earthworms in their next lives."

In light of the new restrictions, it is also probable that McDonald's will shelve its long-rumoured vegetarian Zenburger and accompanying Enlightened Meal, complete with plastic collectibles of the Laughing Buddha and Reclining Buddha.

Companies are being urged to rename their businesses now, to avoid conflicts once the regulations come into force.

However, many are disgruntled at this, as they claim they will not only be saddled with the administrative inconvenience of having to register a new name with the RCB as well as change all their stationery, but they will also lose the goodwill established with the name.

Said Mr. Wah Miah Leow, owner of Omitofut Tofu Products, "All this forcible removal of longstanding Buddhas... who does the Singapore Buddhist Federation think they are? The Taliban?"