Story Archive 28

Piece of Mir Hits Geylang, Causes Premature Ejaculation
by Pak Cham Kai

A stray piece of debris from the downed Mir space station struck Geylang Lorong 69 on Friday, causing many residents to fire their own final thrusts earlier than planned.

"Wah lau eh," said Mr. Khee Chuay Kway, 67, who had been visiting a "friend", Miss Kah Kwee Kwee, 21, at No. 6969, when a piece of the Russian space station's orbiter tore through part of the roof.

"Nao hiah, I was doing so well when suddenly got this bloody big blazing piece of metal fly past the window," he said. "And then when I look down that time, I saw that my own equipment had also been brought to earth."

In a different room in the same house, Mr. Lai Kah Kin, 58, and Miss Felay Teo, 19, experienced similar terror.

"Miss Teo was, uh, paying me a bit of lip service when I heard TERBABOOM!" said a visibly shaken Mr. Lai. "My immediate reaction was to scold her, 'Eh! Don't blow so hard until it esploded, leh!' Then I saw part of the roof had disappeared."

The piece of debris tore through the roofs of several houses, eventually coming to rest in a longkang.

The proprietress of No. 6969, Madam San Mah Mah, expressed her anger at the incident. "Basket! You know how many of my customers asked for discount after this?"

The manager of No. 6971 next door, Mr. Aw Kwee Kheng, shook his head ruefully as he told the press that an entire week's supply of tissue paper was used up in those few moments.

Mr. Chia Por Seng, who operates a herbal turtle soup foodstall in Lorong 69 said that all of his turtles had immediately retreated into their shells, making cooking much more difficult, and thus adversely affecting his takings.

Meanwhile, Mr. Chin Pai Tiah, the general manager of Platinum Arowana KTV lounge said, "It was si beh scary, hearing all my customers suddenly singing soprano."

Affected businesses in the area have registered protest with the Russian embassy through their representative, the Chup Lak Kao Secret Society (CLKSS).

Said CLKSS spokesman Mr. Aw Buay Kong, "I think this thing can settle, but you know, if they kwai lan, then we will have to take action."

Mr. Boris Sonovabich Khachikokov, a spokesman for the Russian embassy, said that the Ambassador has received the complaint and is giving it due consideration and will take all appropriate action.

"However," he added. "We will not bow to threats."

When told of this, Mr. Aw responded: "Neh'mine, their car diplomatic plate or no diplomatic plate still can scratch. Maybe later hang pig's head, and after that, throw acid... they so tua kee, meh? Lai lah!"

In the meantime, the remains of the debris have been collected by local businessman Mr. Choe Seng Lee.

"I'm going to turn the Russian-made metal into hotplates and serve Vietnamese food on it," said Mr. Choe. "We're calling the restaurant 'Sio-Viet.'. Catchy, not?"

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Government Investigates New Media Watchdog
by K.K. Cheow

The Government is investigating whether the new media watchdog has the requisite dog licence.

Last week, it was revealed that some civil society members had introduced a new media watchdog, whose role was meant to watch the local media.

However, the Centre for Animal Welfare and Control (CAWC), operated by the Agri-Food and Veterinary Authority (AVA), operated by the Ministry of National Development (MND), operated by some other government initials (PM), announced that they had received information that this media watchdog may not have the requisite licence.

Under the Running Dog Control and Licence Act, all dogs must be licenced on an annual basis, and the licences attached to their collars.

The CAWC is also investigating whether the media watchdog is a permitted breed.

"Under the law, certain breeds like the Rottweiler must be leashed and muzzled," said CAWC spokesman Mr. Chow Tsao Kow. "And certain breeds, such as the Pit Bull and Tosa, must also be sterilised and implanted with microchips."

"As this media watchdog appears to be intended as a guard dog rather than the more common running dog, the government believes it is likely to fall into the category of controlled canines."

The owners of the new media watchdog, however, have protested, saying that this would impede the watchdog's ability to function.

Mr. Chow pooh-poohed this, saying that existing breeds of media running dogs are doing perfectly well under existing controls: "They're all very tame and obedient."

"The owners of the new media watchdog may be well-respected and responsible members of society," continued Mr. Chow. "But the government still has a duty to ensure that it does not become a nuisance. If it barks excessively, or chases vehicles, then we will have no choice but to put it down."

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Adventurer To Help ISD With Air-Con Treatment
by Kway Png

The Internal Security Department is planning to ask local hero Khoo Swee Chiow to help them improve their air-con treatment.

Singapore's best known adventurer, Mr. Khoo has successfully climbed the highest peaks in Asia, Africa, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica, North and South America, and trekked across Antarctica to reach the South Pole.

However, he aborted his mission to the North Pole several days ago due to physical injuries and onerous conditions.

The ISD, however, says that far from being a setback, this experience could provide them with invaluable assistance.

"We believe he can really contribute to improving our already famous interrogation techniques," said ISD spokesperson Mr. Kwah Kao Seow. "No one else in Singapore has data as good as his on how the body copes with extremely cold temperatures."

Mr. Khoo survived temperatures as low as -48 deg C throughout his 9 day, 85 km trek to the North Pole.

"What can I say? He's a really cool guy," gushed Mr. Kwah. "And it also shows that perhaps we've been too lenient with our interrogatees. They crumble when it's only 10 deg C. Since Swee Chiow has shown people can survive up to sub-zero temperatures, maybe previous interrogatees were lying."

Mr. Khoo could not be contacted for comment.

Sources say he is planning on raising funds for his next attempt at the North Pole, by doing a recording of "Ice Ice Baby".

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Exposé: New Botanic Gardens to Grow Roti John
by Pak Cham Kai

It was revealed yesterday that the primary mission of the new Botanic Gardens is to cultivate plants that bear popular fried sandwiches, instead of fruit.

When National Development Minister Mah Bow Tan announced the $35m overhaul of the Botanic Gardens last week, most people thought it had to do with boosting tourism.

And when the Minister stated that the Gardens would also house a research and teaching complex, many were led to believe that the government was merely expanding Singapore's horticultural tradition, especially orchid cultivation.

However, alarm bells began to ring when it was also announced that the legendary Taman Serasi Hawker Centre would have to close to accommodate the Gardens' expansion plans.

TalkingCock has now gained access to confidential documents and insider testimony suggesting that the National Parks Board (abbreviated as 'NParks' and pronounced "Neh-poks") has a less than benign agenda.

In fact, according to the evidence, the entire purpose of the new Botanic Gardens is bio-engineering, not tourism.

And the focus of the research is to develop not orchids, but a plant that sprouts 'roti john' - that savoury fried egg baguette that made Taman Serasi Hawker Centre such an attraction.

According to an insider, who does not wish to be named: "It's been clear for many years that people were going to the Botanic Gardens less for the greenery, than the roti john."

"It was very frustrating for the Gardens, since their F&B centre just couldn't compete with the roti john."

"Not to mention that people often commented that they'd rather be chomping on a hot fried egg sandwich, with tasty morsels of mutton and onion, washed down with a refreshing glass of soursop juice, rather than examine another boring orchid hybrid as mosquitoes drew their blood."

In order to stem the flow of interest from the Gardens to the Hawker Centre, NParks decided it had to take drastic action.

"It is perfectly in keeping with Singapore government policy," said our source. "to identify a lucrative area in the private sector and form a GLC to sapu the market."

Apparently, prototypes of the roti-john plant are already being hothoused.

Using the techniques of creating orchid hybrids, the geniuses at the School of Horticulture have successfully-crossed the Vanda Miss Joaquim with a roti john. Where the blooms once sprouted, a glorious golden-brown fried sandwich now appears.

Naturally, the roti john sellers at Taman Serasi Hawker Centre are somewhat aggrieved at the developments.

Said Madam Goreng bte Sandwic, CEO of Shukor Sedap Sdn Bhd, who operates and licenses the roti john stalls in Taman Serasi and other hawker centres, "We see this as unfair competition. The government is hijacking our business, and possibly our intellectual property."

Due to the Minister's announcement, Shukor Sedap Sdn Bhd claims it has been forced to shelve its plans for an IPO in its bid to attain market dominance as the premier purveyor of fried bread products in the region.

"We are currently taking legal advice on our options," said Madam Goreng, standing in her penthouse suite in her Chanel suit, while stroking her pet leopard.

NParks is unperturbed by the threat of litigation.

"We're the government," said our source. "Other people can win, meh? You tell me who has managed to successfully challenge any government division in the courts in recent memory?"

Nor will they be standing still.

"In time, we also hope to grow ramliburgers, roti prata, chicken rice, char kway teow and fish head curry in this way," our source said. "Apart from the commercial potential, this may even help solve world hunger!"

Hor Fun No Fun, Say Reviewers
by Cluck Kent

Meteor Cock TV, heir to the now defunct Television Copulation of Singapore, recently launched 'Hor Fun', a new chinese variety program. This is a desperate bid to boost flagging interest as well as a sagging confidence in local Cheena TV.

When interviewed in his office, which contained state-of-the-art video equipment and a metal desk littered with pirated VCDs, the station’s Director of Interest Revival Dr Kua Gao Koon was hugely optimistic.

“We’re exploring a new frontier and have tailored our show to satisfy the adventurous spirit of the new generation. We go for original stuff, you know.”

And the show went “bang”, with a tranquiliser effect. On its debut, almost half of the population tuned in, only to be knocked out immediately by its copycatish nature.

Declared a heavily sedated viewer: “Hor Fun? What type of crazy name is that? The gravy’s si beh thin, man...”

His girlfriend chipped in: “Taiwan won’t like this.”

Said TV reviewer Mr. Poh Tay Toh, "I tuned in because I thought the show was called 'Whore Fun'. But I immeelly change channel when I saw there were no whores, and instead it was more Liang PoPo-style nonsense."

Indeed the people are sick of seeing the Liang PoPo gang prancing around in cheongster garb. It is a revolting experience especially when Da Shou Qiang, the anchorman of the show, displays his infantile nature openly for public scrutiny. A teenage viewer sums up the sentiments “What’s an old man doing on a high-energy show?”

Perhaps the most disgraceful feature is its mimicking Taiwan’s popular variety show Invincible Day After Saturday, to disastrous results. With game segments like Do You Look Like a Superstar and Punishment Box, the show has lost its identity even before it can establish itself.

When Dr Kua was confronted by this obvious absence of authenticity, he had this to offer: “We go for original stuff you know.”

Which leaves many industry watchers to ponder why the Meteor Cock faithfuls still tune in to the program even though, to put it bluntly, the show is just a bad photocopy of the real thing.

One of the station’s fans, who only wanted to be known as Che Meh, stressed that he is not a blind devotee of Meteor Cock’s shows, but that he had no choice as it is the “only TV station in Singapore”.

When reminded of the existence of rival station Medium Wok, he shrugged them off saying that “those guys are not hot enough.”

After weeks of public criticism, Shou Qiang finally emerged from the closet and gave his side of the story. “Look, I’m an old man and I need this job. I’m a comedy king and nobody can usurp my throne. Hmph!”

This drew laughter from the crowd not because of what he said, but because he was decked out in Cat High uniform.

His fellow colleague and student, Muck `Pinnochio’ Lea, had this to say about his mentor: “I wouldn’t be who I am today without him. He is like a father to me.”

He refused to be pose for a picture when a mynah came to perch on his nose.

The Public Health Ministry has, however, given the thumbs up to this project.

“For many years, we have engaged American soap opera directors and King Koil manufacturers to find the perfect anitdote to conquer insomnia. But none have been as effective as Hor Fun!” exclaimed an ecstatic Mr Koon Buey Gao, chairman of the research committee.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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