Story Archive 29

Banned Aid: JBJ Supporters To Record Benefit Song
by K. K. Cheow

After their permit for a benefit rally was turned down by the police earlier last week, supporters of beleaguered opposition politician J. B. Jeyaretnam have decided to record a song to raise funds to save his political career.

The song is titled "Do They Know Democracy" and is sung to the tune of "Do They Know It's Christmas", which launched the worldwide Live Aid movement.

The lyrics are as follows:

It's voting time
There's no need to be dismayed
At voting time
They'll give your flat a fresh upgrade
But in our isle, we've plenty
Of PAP MPs
What we need is some dissent
At voting time

So give a buck
Pay for old JBJ
At voting time, it's hard
When you're in bankruptcy
He has held out for our freedoms
Despite all the threats and fears
Don't let our voices be drowned out
By all these chao lawyers
And we need to help out JB
If we all don't, the-en who
For tonight it may be him, but then, it's you

Or there will not be a JBJ
At voting time
The worst thing we can do is stand and wait
As constituencies fade
Into Marine Parade
Do they know democracy at all?

(Here's a buck) let's help out old JBJ
(Don't believe) everything those jokers say
Do they know democracy at all?

Spread the word
Let them know democracy
Spread the word
Let them know democracy
Spread the word
Let them know democracy
Spread the word
Let them know democracy
Spread the word
Let them know democracy
Spread the word
Let them know democracy again

click here for the full karaoke experience

Calling themselves "Banned Aid", the singers hope to hold daily recitals and sing-a-longs at Speakers Corner. Souvenir CDs, songsheets and t-shirts will be sold, and the funds collected used to pay off the defamation damages that Mr. Jeyaretnam was held liable for.

Said spokesman Chin Pai Tiah, "We need to show the government that not everyone is going to dance to their tune."

The PAP, meanwhile, has revealed that in the interests of fair competition, their supporters have also formed a choir, called GRC for Everyone, and are also launching their own song. Titled "We Run Your World", the lyrics go as follows:

There comes a time
When you heed a certain call
When you all
Should vote together as one
There are people watching
To make sure you vote our man
And you'll get a nice big flat upgrade

You can't go on
Pretending day by day
That someone else can hope to make a change
You're all a part of
This great big autarchy
It's the truth - so just get used to it

(Chorus)
We run your world,
We own your children
We are the ones who know the real way
So don't start straying
There's a choice you're making
You're saving your own lives
It's true, so don't you dare kao peh
Vote the Party

So give us your heart
Otherwise you should beware
That your life will be a misery
But if you vote for us
You might get big tax rebates
Or even a brand new MRT

(Chorus)

So you should just give up
There's just no hope at all
Forget democracy
Head to the shopping mall
Well, well, well, let's realise
That change will never come
From any opposition bum

(Repeat chorus and fade)

click here for the full karaoke experience

People on the street we spoke to reacted to the news of the musical campaigns with a collective shrug.

Said Mr. Apathy Lassitudalingam, "What's new about it? Our politicians all talk cock only, now they just sing-song also."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Government Unveils New e-Voting Booth
by Pak Cham Kai

The government has unveiled the new electronic voting machines that will be used in some wards at the next General Election.

Announced by Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng last week, e-Voting is supposed to make the election process easier.

Unlike the paper ballots which are used now, which state only candidates' names and party affiliations, e-voting machines will also display the candidates' photographs, making it easier for voters to identify the person they want to vote for.

"Of course, being the productive people that we are, we're going one step further," said Election Engineering Committee spokesman Mr. Hang Ing Chad. "With our e-Voting booths, we will also identify the voters and who they voted for."

"As they cast their votes, the screen will also take a photograph of them, juxtaposed with the candidate they've chosen. The data will then be collated for the purposes of determining whose flats get upgraded."

Mr. Hang brushed aside all allegations of breach of privacy.

"Singaporeans aren't interested in privacy. They never made noise about ERP gantries, speed cameras, the bar code on their ICs or even NETS, all of which are systems by which their movement and activities can be tracked. Convenience is their only concern."

As for malfunctions, Home Affairs has every contingency planned for.

"All breakdowns will be speedily tended to by the ISD agent sitting inside each machine," said Mr. Hang. "And all of them will be carrying a camera to snap voters' pictures."

As a bonus, all PAP voters will be given four passport-sized photographs.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

New Brains For Singapore Girl
by Kway Png

First they got new shoes, now Singapore Airlines stewardesses will also be issued new brains.

Singapore Airlines public relations spokesperson Ms. Francine Stein said that the old brains of Singapore Girls were not programmed to meet the needs of today's sophisticated traveller.

"In the old days, stewardesses only had to say a few things, like 'beef?', 'chicken?' or 'can I hep'chu?" said Ms. Stein. "And they only needed to blow into things like the oxygen masks and inflation tubes during takeoff demonstrations."

"But nowadays, Singapore Girls have to say a lot more sophisticated things like 'internet' and 'personal video screens'," Ms. Stein continued. "And with our new premier cabin services, they also need to blow first class passengers."

The need for change apparently manifested itself during last year's SQ006 crash in Taipei.

"The old models showed that their brains were incapable of withstanding stress," said Ms. Stein. "According to many witness statements, some stewardesses lost their minds altogether."

With their new brains, stewardesses are expected to be able to deal with any contingency by morphing their bodies into silvery weapons.

"So not only will they be able to wrench emergency doors off their hinges, they'll also be able to blast holes in on-board harassers."

Asked if this newly capable stewardess would affect the popular image of the Singapore Girl as a soft focus sex kitten, Ms. Stein replied, "Market research has shown that people are finding demureness less and less sexy. Assertiveness is in. In a few months, we will replace the Pierre Balmain-designed sarong kebayas with the new Annabel Chong line of S & M leatherwear."

MITA Activates Kaypohs To Watch Media
by K. K. Cheow

In a move that is naturally completely unrelated to the setting up of MediaWatch Community, an independent media watchdog, the Ministry of Information and the Arts has activated a group of kaypohs to monitor publications in Singapore.

The Prurient Advisory Council (PAC) is a group that will make recommendations to MITA on the acceptability of publications.

Led by Mr. Chin Ho Kuah, the principal of Sino-English School, its mission is to ensure that newspapers and
publications do not slip 'undesirable material' into the daily news diet of readers.

Said Mr. Chin, "The PAC takes its mission very seriously, and we spend a lot of time every week scouring publications for sex and nudity."

The Council is composed entirely of volunteers from all walks of life. Apparently, there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

"I'm very passionate about finding porn," said Council member Mr. Chuay Neh Pok, whose bloodshot eyes testified to the hours he claims to have spent hunting down objectionable sites on the Web.

Council member Miss Woo Leow agreed. "I actually think that the Council's job should be expanded to include scrutiny of disturbing matters like necklines and the length of skirts."

"These are a very devoted group of people," said Mr. Chin. "They often do their job at the risk of physical harm to themselves. For instance, I'm not sure how, but many male members complain of sprained palms."

One of the publications that PAC looks forward to scrutinising is MediaWatch Community's first report.

However, Mr. Chin denies that the PAC is there to counter the views put forth by MediaWatch Community.

"We are wholeheartedly behind MediaWatch and its aim to encourage alternative views," said Mr. Chin. "Provided these alternative views are inoffensive and acceptable to the government, of course. Now that's our job."

Immigration and Sewerage Authorities impose ¾ Bladder & Bowel Rule
by Cherry N. George from the Tuas Linkedua Checkpoint

The Immigration and Sewerage Authorities have come up with a novel scheme to reduce sewage treatment costs as well as get back at Malaysia for “Singapore Bashing” at the same time.

Approximately 250,000 Singaporeans cross the Causeway into Malaysia every weekend and because of the rising costs of sewage treatment, the Sewerage Authority says that it will make sure that Singaporeans must have their bladders and bowels filled at ¾ capacity before they are permitted to enter Malaysia.

Says Maj (Res) (NS) Pung Chao Tsai, head of the Sewage Authority: “If Singaporeans are not ¾ filled, we will turn them back to the Woodlands Hawker Centre or nearby fast food restaurants to pig-out and drink an ‘upsize coke’. We recommend that they consume $3.50 worth of Rojak with extra chilli to facilitate effective and swift bowel movements."

"The reason of this policy is two-fold: Firstly, it would greatly reduce our sewage treatment costs, we will be saving close to $200,000 a week in treatment costs as Singaporeans now have to put shit or pung jio in Malaysia. The second reason is more symbolic. We are sending the Malaysians a message that we are sick of their ‘Singapore bashing’ and to let them know that such inflammatory remarks are nothing but crap.”

This has attracted an outcry from the Malaysian customs at the other end of the Causeway. “All our toilet facilities are now overloaded to the extent that we now issue Singaporeans a shovel and point them to the bushes if they want to do their business” says Mr. Behrak bin Busok, Chief Customs Officer on the Malaysian side, “This new policy by the Singapore authorities stinks – figuratively and literally.”

The Put Shit Act (2001) passed by parliament makes it an offence for Singaporeans leaving for Johor Bahru to have their bladder and bowels less than ¾ capacity. Offenders stand to be fined $5,000 and can even be jailed for up to 2 weeks if they fail to top-up.

But not all Malaysians are upset about this policy. Sales of toilet rolls and other bathroom accessories have increased in volume by up to 500% across the causeway.