CHEE SOON JUAN EXTRA SPECIAL EDITION TO BE UNVEILED

The special edition of Singapore Senior Minister Lee Kuan Yew’s latest book, autographed by himself, raised $4.2 million in donations. Not to be outdone, for Dr Chee Soon Juan’s next edition of his book "To Be Free", an “extra special edition" is planned.

Said Louis Lelong, a press officer from the Singapore Democratic Party, “It was decided that since the Senior Minister’s autograph was such an incredible attraction, we should do that, and more.” 

Features in this Extra Special Edition of the long-time Opposition Member and Singapore government critic’s book include an autographed photograph, personally inscribed by Dr Chee. 

“But the real premium is this,” said Lelong, taking out a plastic wrapped package from a briefcase, “The first, officially endorsed Chee Soon Juan action figure!”

The twelve-inch tall replica of Dr Chee will have 12 points of articulation and be fully poseable. Also included in the box will be actual copies of the Singapore Democratic Party newspaper, which can be held in the figure’s hand, and a tin of Glucolin.

“But this is the best,” Lelong beamed as he pressed a button at the base of the figure’s neck, whereupon a tinny pre-recorded voice said tremulously, “Hunger strike!” and let loose with a karate chop. 

“Isn’t that just adorable?” Lelong said as he demonstrated other quotes recorded in the action figure, such as “What is the government hiding?”, “Free speech! Free speech!” and “Drink glucose cannot, meh?”

If sales of the Extra Special Edition take off, additional figures in the Opposition Party Hall of Fame are planned, including Talking Kung-Fu Grip JB Jeyaratnam with such classic lines as, “I did NOT say that!”, Tartar Catching Francis Seow (Tartars sold separately) with personalized Internal Security Department detention papers and the Talking Cock Ling How Doong with detachable toupee.

ONE MAN CRIME WAVE AT AN END

After being at large for decades, the notorious criminal Ah Soon has finally been brought to book.  Receiving an anonymous tip from the public a few days ago, a rapidly put-together police operation swooped down on the Ang Mo Kio flat of what must surely be Singapore's most wanted man.

"For years we've been hearing about him," said Singapore Police Force spokesman ASP Mah Tah Chia, "Every time there's been a riot an we arrest the people involved, they always tell us - it's not our fault, we didn't bring the weapons to the scene, Ah Soon was the one. But when we looked, he was never around."

Ah Soon has also been implicated over the years in countless robberies, usually the one who was carrying the loot or planned the robbery just to leave his hapless compatriots as patsies to be picked up by the police. He is also known as the mastermind behind several drug trafficking rings.

"It's been a long, long road," said Police Commissioner Ai Pah Mai, "Whenever we found heroin, the accused always said, 'It was Ah Soon who put that in my car - I didn't know it was drugs', or 'Ah Soon just told me to pick up the package,' or 'Ah Soon was the one who was holding the gun.' Well, finally we've got him."

"Our long, national nightmare is over," he sighed.

Ah Soon was produced in Court yesterday to face 7,140 charges, some dating back almost 50 years. It is believed some of these charges will be taken into consideration if he agrees to plead guilty.

"Really, your Honour, it's not me," Ah Soon said in Hokkien as he was being led from the dock, "Serious! It was Ah Seng who was doing all this!"

Police are now mobilizing to track down this elusive Ah Seng, who, like Ah Soon, has been implicated in crimes all over Singapore. Also being sought are the other members of this crime ring.

"We would like to send a message to Ah Seng, Ah Beng, Ah Kau and Ah Tee," said the Commissioner, "We're coming for you - there's nowhere to hide."

In other news, the mysterious black dog that has for several years been responsible for rushing out into the middle of the road, causing chain collisions and then vanishing again, was finally captured by the Primary Production Department. 

SCDF SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE AGAIN

The Singapore Civil Defence Force (SCDF) carried out its annual Public Warning System Exercise on Friday to coincide with Civil Defence Day. The exercise was a resounding success, with the alarms heard all over the island, effectively scaring the shit out of hundreds of people who had not paid attention to the occasion.

"Wah lan, it was si beh loud, man," said Hougang Resident "Scorpion" Ho, " I was quiet quiet head-banging to Metallica when skarly everything started shaking like earthquake like that. I thought,'Sure die already'- I scared until my underwear also kena sai."

"We're very happy with the results," said SCDF Commissioner Tan Koo Koo, "After the ear-piercing, senses-shattering wail that shredded through the air, the switchboard was jammed with people demanding to know what the fuck was going on."

"It was terrifying," said 27-year-old May Wee, an administrative assistant who heard the sound on her lunch break, "This shrieking banshee howl, like a million nails grating on a million blackboards, all at once. Lucky I was wearing my brown slacks to work."

"Yes, we did get a very good terror/excrement ratio," the Commissioner went on to say, "And that's how it should be. The Public Warning System is designed to frighten you until you siow. If not, then war how? Knock quietly on your door is it?"

"Besides," he smirked, "This'll teach them to take us for granted."

To make sure that this time around the sirens were doubly effective in prompting people to poop in their panties, sound engineers at the SCDF deliberately merged the most irritating sounds they could find.

Mixed in with the vocal stylings of Celine Dion were the psuedo-orgasmic shrieks of Mariah Carey, overlaid that with samples from Alanis Morissette and Sarah Brightman.

On the Really Annoying Crap (RAC) scale, the exercise was rated at an 7, where 1 is an Andy Lau song and 10 is watching the entire series of Samsui Women dubbed in English. The dry cleaning industry voiced its support and hoped exercises like this would continue in future.

Special Report:
New Internet Regulations for Singapore

In conjunction with the newly announced Singapore 21 plan, the Government has unveiled plans to address the problem of traffic congestion on the Information Highway. 

Called the National Internet Traffic Planning Information Committee (NITPIC), this high-level multi-agency body comprises MinInfoCom, LTA and IDA officials, and will look into the issues of traffic congestion in the data networks and introduce policies and regulations aimed to solve these problems.

Reasons for the New Regulations

According to a spokesperson from NITPIC, Director of Policy, Mrs. Chin Chia Lark, the Internet in Singapore has grown tremendously since 1992 and the carrying capacity of our information throroughfares have been exceeded.

According to Mrs. Chin, "We have seen an increase in the number of Internet users of 20,000% while available bandwidth has only grown by 3000%. If this trend were to continue, we would soon see a degradation of network performance, with negative consequences on our economy and global competitiveness, leading to social chaos caused by disaffected Internet users who are unable to load their favourite web pages."

A random poll of Internet users in Singapore has shown that web pages with plenty of colourful graphics are more popular than others with just text.

Furthermore, streaming audio and video sites have increased, adding strain to the network. People have been downloading more on the Internet as they become more sophisticated.

Mr. Chin Chee Hong is a typical Internet user whose favourite hobby is photography.

He downloads an average of a hundred photographs off the Internet every week. He says that these pictures inspire him and helps him find interesting poses for his favourite model and photographic subject, who is his girlfriend, Ms. Nina Kan.

Ms. Kan says, "He has been teaching me a lot of things. Must be this Internet thing. He is also more happy at night."

 Mr. Chin adds, "Last time I can download two hundred pictures a week, but now, the network 'see beh' slow and I only get one hundred. This really 'too lan' man." 

Licensing Users on the Internet

By next year, NITPIC expects to draft a new law, making it mandatory for all Internet users to be licensed. In order to operate a computer on the Information Highway, all users will have to sit for a Basic I-way Code test, an Advanced Theory test as well as a Practical Exam involving actual navigation on crowded areas of the Net.

Testing centres will be set up to administer these tests, which will encompass diverse areas of Internet usage, such as learning to handle junk mail and proper Netiquette, including the appropriate use of the various smiley signs.

New users who pass the Basic I-way Code will be granted a provisional license, but will have to use an e-mail address prefixed by an 'L'. They cannot operate computers on the Internet alone, but must have a qualified and licensed Internet user beside them while they surf. Learners are limited to 9600 baud modems, may only surf to certain sites, and are limited in how much e-mail they can send and receive.

Users who pass both the Advanced and Practical Exams will be eligible for a Probational License. They have to display a 'P' sign in their e-mail address for one year. P users have a speed limit of 14.4K and although they may start posting on newsgroups and participate in chats, they are strongly encouraged to lurk for a few months, avoiding indiscriminate postings and becoming the target of flame mail.

"P users tend to be picked on by more experienced users and we strongly urge them to be more careful on the Internet. They have to learn to be more responsible users too, which is why the one year period is considered beneficial for them," explained Mr See Beh Chim, Director of Research at NITPIC.

Modem Tax and COEs

A new tax surcharge will be levied on modems, depending on their speeds. Known as the COE or Certificate of Online Eligibility, each user is limited to one basic modem, but may obtain rebates by scrapping older modems when they upgrade to a faster one. This is to limit the number of modems in circulation. Prices for COEs range from $1 for 9600 baud Learner modems, to luxury DSL and Cable modems which can cost as much as $100 or more.

Because of the fear that the supply is limited, speculators have already driven up the price of a 1.5Mbps DSL modem to nearly $500, according to a survey of Sim Lim Tower conducted by NITPIC.

"This is an unfortunate but not unexpected consequence of the law of supply and demand," said Mr. See. "We have to inculcate responsible and frugal use of Internet resources in Singapore. There is no free lunch. Access to the Net is not a right but a privilege. In our merit-based and market-oriented economy, if you think you deserve the privilege, you will have to pay more for it. Government subsidies for modems are not a solution. You have to earn the right to use the Internet."

Demerit Points for Internet Traffic Offences

The most controversial part of the new regulations is the enforcement of Internet traffic violations. NITPIC will spearhead the formation of the

They will be looking out for people who abuse the networks, people who break speed limits, contribute inflammatory or insensitive postings, spread junk mail and viruses, create congestion by heavy downloads of illegal Napster music, and hogging modem lines at ISPs, for example.

A comprehensive list of offences is being drawn up by NITPIC at the moment. Offenders will be punished by a system of demerit points and fines. Internet abusers who accumulate more than 24 points in 2 years will have their licenses revoked. Director of Enforcement, Mr. See Beh Siong comments, "Some people have brought up the bad habit of Internet Bullies, who go around harassing other users, sending them junk mail or forcing them off websites. These people are a nuisance and these laws will go a long way towards curbing this."

ALS, CBD and ERP

An Access Licensing Scheme (ALS) for Commercial and Business Datazone (CBD) will also be introduced.

During working hours, users who enter an e-commerce site designated as being within the CBD will have to pay a surcharge. A monthly discounted license is available for users who have to enter the CBD daily. An innovative system of monitoring Internet usage, the E-commerce Resource Pricing scheme, will electronically tag each user as they enter or leave the CBD.

Although some industry experts have commented that such a move might hinder the development of e-commerce in Singapore, NITPIC officials explained that the revenues generated will actually improve the national infrastructure for IT in Singapore. "Nothing is for free," said Mr. See Beh Ho, Director of Incentives for NITPIC, "We have to charge users in order to maintain the existing networks and to pay for upgrades and improvements."

To offset some of these concerns, a special licensing scheme is planned for Internet users who surf only during working hours, since Internet peak usage occurs during weekends. 

Known as the Weekday Computer scheme, users pay less COE in order to operate their computers during these off-peak hours. By so doing, NITPIC hopes to encourage more users to wisely allocate their time spent surfing. 

"Of course, we do not want to send the message that it is OK to perform non-work related Internet activity during office hours," said Mr. See, adding that, "We know that the Internet has created a lot of interest in digital photography and movies and the number of MPEGs, GIFs and JPEGs downloaded have been increasing. We are not sure why this is so, but our research department is working on it. It is good to have hobbies outside of work, but we cannot condone people mixing pleasure with official duties."

Too Much Regulation?

Will these measures work?

Mr. Chin thinks the authorities are going too far. "Alamak, now download also cannot. Must pay and pay to enjoy my hobby. Is this illegal meh? I use my computer everyday for over two years, and I'm expert already. Why need to take a test and get my license? The waiting period is so long. Who says I'm not a good Internet user?  I go to Sim Lim and buy software and VCDs. This called technopreneurship. What's wrong if I share software and photos with friends on the Internet. This is the New Economy or what?"

In response to such criticism, NITPIC's Chairman, Mr. K.N. Naidu responded, "People say that we have too many rules and regulations. However, if we do not do something responsible about the growing traffic problem we cannot be good citizens and contribute to the global new economy. The Internet is a good place and forum for exchanging information and for e-commerce.