MOE:
Parents To Communicate With Kids Only In Sign Language
by K. K. Cheow , Dan Kok and
K.F. See
During the recent Speak Like Ang-Mor
(SLANG) Campaign, some academics voiced the belief that if parents
cannot speak standard English, then they shouldn't try to speak English
to their kids at all, in case the impressionable youngsters pick up
Singlish.
However, coupled with the calls to speak
less dialects and better Mandarin, the Ministry of Education has decided
that henceforth, all parents are only allowed to communicate with their
children in sign language.
"Our research has shown that 98% of
Singaporeans can't speak standard
English," said Ministry of Education spokesman Colonel (NS) Yong
Chew Kong. "And then we realised that 99% of Singaporeans can't
speak proper Mandarin either. So in order to avoid exposing our children
to dialects, half-past six Mandarin or Singlish, we have decided to make
all parents use sign language."
Charts will be issued to all Singaporean
parents, showing basic messages in sign language, such as:
"We cannot stress enough how
important good English is," said Col (NS) Yong. "Only
with Standard English can Singaporeans communicate with the rest of the
world."
Col (NS) Yong said that the impetus for this
campaign came after the Government found that the foreign media could not
understand the directive that they were not allowed to comment on local
politics.
"Our message 'Don’tch say us, tai kay hup
chop a bit lah'," did not seem to be understood", said Col (NS) Yong.
In the meantime, parents are also
encouraged to park their children in front of the television set to be exposed
to English-language television programmes, like the news read by newscasters
with unnatural accents, beginning from as young as three years old.
The
government’s vision is to raise a new generation of fluent speakers of
Standard English, albeit with serious myopia, and of course, unnatural accents.
"Parents should strictly use good
English when speaking to their children," said Col (NS) Yong, casually
splitting an infinitive, ‘Otherwise they should be
wise enough to shut up, or be shut up under the Instantly Shut-Up Act for
endangering national cohesiveness and the next generation."
Ms Ang Mor Can, divisional director of
the Now-Then-You-See (NTUC) Childcare Co-operative, who has two children of her
own speeding through the Express stream, also agreed that parents with
sub-Standard English should avoid using the language altogether with their
children.
It starts with being aware of the fact
that children imitate adults in the way they use language, she told us.
For example, she has found that children with Hokkien parents are 75%
more likely to use the phase ‘Kan ni nah!’ to express shock whilst children
with Cambridge or Oxford-graduate parents have preference for a certain
more-economical Western expletive.
The government has also set up a new
statutory board, the Academy for Bettering the Use of Standard English (ABUSE),
specifically to maintain English standards in Singapore.
"Children absorb information at a very
fast rate; what they are exposed to is very important,' says ABUSE Director Mr Tah Kheng
Choe,
a UK-educated government scholar with a Masters degree in Linguistics now on
secondment to PAP kindergartens, adding that the critical time for exposure is
between the ages of four and five.
"Some parents think their children are too
young to watch the news, but there is no harm in that. The content on wars,
crimes and war crimes are superfluous, what is more important is learning to
pronounce collec…kerrrac... ploperly.’
"Even feotuses can pick up the
sounds of the language," he says. "These are burned subconsciously
into their minds, giving them a good foundation for learning the language."
Pregnant mothers are therefore also encouraged to avoid using or be exposed to
bad English.
ABUSE will set up pregnancy chalets in
Oxford University for mothers who want to ensure a good English environment, or
deep in the Siberian countryside if they prefer total isolation, throughout the
term of pregnancy.
ABUSE has also sought the help of SPGs to foster greater
exposure to better English. (See accompanying story in the right
column.)
Parents can play a part by exposing
children to educational materials which teach or contain proper English, Mr Tah
says. "There are cassette tapes, CD-ROMs and, of course, television
programmes."
He did not explain, though, how parents who do not have a grasp of good English can
go about evaluating such material.
Dr Adamp Brownose, Associate Professor
of Standard English at the National Institute of Education,
commented: "Attitude are the main problem. Half the battle lie in convincing
people that you has British parentage, then whatever you says will be deemed
correct English."
Dr Brownose was a pig farmer in England before the outbreak
of FMD put him out of a job. He was recruited by the NIE under the foreign
talent programme and the NUS conferred on him an honorary doctorate.
This is a tip experts gave to parents
who do not speak good English well themselves, but want to bring up children who
do: send them to ABUSE, where for a low fee of $599.90 (inclusive GST) a month,
your child will be shown 160 hours of classic British TV, like Mr Bean, and be taught the proper use of Standard English
via an ingenious patented system of fines and punitive measures. You can be sure
they will be more economical in their choice of words in no time.
Resist! Join S.P.A.S.:
The Society
for the Protection of Authentic Singlish!
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Starhub
Airship in Mid-Air Collision with Petronas Towers
by K F See
The Starhub Airship crash landed in KL yesterday after it collided in
mid-air with one of the Petronas Twin Towers.
According to Singaporean sources,
the pilot, Hua Puay Kee, had apparently fallen asleep at the controls and
unintentionally drifted into Malaysian airspace. He woke up only when he
developed difficulty breathing in the Malaysian air.
By that time, he found
himself heading towards one the Twin Towers, and could not avoid crashing into
the Tower. It is believed that no one in the Tower was injured, because the
Petronas Towers have had no occupants for the past few years.
Reports from
Malaysian newspapers provide a different version of the story, however.
According to the Malaysian press, the airship was on a spying mission, most
probably to find out why the Multi-Media Super Korridor, the pride and joy of
Malaysia, has been so successful.
The Malaysian press also claims that when the
pilot discovered he was spotted, he knew he could not escape, so he
intentionally swerved left into one of the Petronas Towers in an attempt to
destroy another pride and joy of Malaysia.
The pilot and the airship are being
held in Malaysia for further investigation. It is not known how long the pilot
and the airship will remain in Malaysian custody.
In a very shrewd political
move, the Malaysian government at first allowed the pilot to return home to
Singapore, but later detained him at the causeway customs, claiming that his
passport had not been stamped.
Said Mr Hua, "Aiyah, if I had just paid the
'fine' at the causeway, then I would be back home by now. But it's okay, they
have been taking good care of me. I have been given proper meals, clean
clothing, and access to shower facilities; it's just that everytime I go and
shower I dunno why the Malaysians always tell me that I dropped my soap, and ask
me to bend down and pick it up."
Rumours are that the Malaysians will keep
the airship for some time longer in order to study the technology on board. By
reverse engineering, the Malaysians may be able to develop a more powerful
engine for their Protons, yet another Malaysian pride and joy.
They are also
reported to be very very close to discovering that helium is less dense than air
and can therefore allow objects like balloons to float. A camera with a powerful
zoom lens was also discovered on board the airship. The film has been sent for
developing; in the meantime there is much speculation over the contents of the
film.
The Malaysian authorities believe that the film will provide strong
evidence that the pilot was spying on Malaysia.
Observers in Singapore believe
otherwise. Said Mr Games Jomez, "Aiyoh, the airship is not for spying on
Malaysia. Everyone knows that the airship is used by the ISD to spy on
Singaporeans, especially opposition politicians and potential dissidents. For
example, during the last week of March, I noticed that the airship kept on
hovering above the ThinkCenter HQ, but then all of a sudden after April Fools'
Day it decided to leave. Nie-nie-ni-boo-boo!"
Another Singaporean, Mr Sammy
Boey, said "For goodness sake, the pilot is not a spy. He was just being
paid by adult sites to take those 'down-blouse' pictures of women. What better
vantage point than from directly above right? That's why ever since last August,
when the airship was launched, the pictures on local adult sites have become
much better."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Singaporeans Upset That Cars Not Free on Car-Free Day
by Kway Png
During last week's first-ever Car-Free Day, many Singaporeans were dismayed
to find that contrary to the name of the event, motor vehicles were not in fact
being sold free of charge.
"Ni nao hiah," complained vehicle enthusiast Chia Lang Gah. "I
thought, hwah, today can pick up that Mahseelees that I always wanted. But then,
hor, I go to the showroom and they immeelly want to ketuk me donno how many
hundred thousand dollars. I say to them, 'You donno today is Car-Free Day, meh?'
Na beh."
Similar stories were heard throughout the island.
At Mercedes distributor Psycho & Baggage's showroom, salesmen had to
barricade the doors when hordes of people turned up, demanding free cars.
Similarly, Bodoh Motors, the distributors of BMW, were forced to call in the
riot police, who fired tear gas at the thousands of would-be drivers thronging
their gates.
Many of the people that TalkingCock spoke to did not seem to know that the
entire point of Car-Free Day was to reduce the number of cars, and the
consequent level of pollution.
"Aiyah, si beh simple, what," said Kah Pah Kheng. "They all
want to reduce their number of cars, then give to us, mah!"
"Orh, is Car-Free Day," said housewife Chin Ah Soh. "I thought
it was Carrefour Day, so I was damn surprised that when I went to Suntec,
Carrefour got no special offer."
However, the dismal results have not deterred the Singapore Environment Council,
who organised Car-Free Day.
Said spokesman Poh Lew Shen with a deep sigh, "Actually, we're used to
this. During our Recycling Campaign, we were besieged by Singaporeans wanting to
trade in their old bikes for new ones."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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NASI Party
Formed To Exterminate Illegal Immigrants
by Lay Mong Chi
Concerned
by the numerous news reports of illegal immigrants, of employers jailed for
employing them, and of landlords jailed for renting housing to them, a group of
concerned citizens have come together to form a new political party to, in their
own words, "exterminate the problem".
The newly-registered party,
called the Nation Against Supporting Immigrants, or the NASI Party for short,
even has its own flag, a striking design of four stylised canes in a circle
against a red background.
"Illegal immigrants are the real problem",
declared party leader LCP (NS) Hee Ter Ler, his eyes shining with fanatical
fervour.
"They are entering our country by the thousands, and diluting the
purity of our Singaporean heritage and culture."
Agreed party
second-in-command Mr Goh Er Ring, "Even though we fully support the
practice of jailing employers and landlords of illegal immigrants and think
their sentences should be much higher, we choose a different approach. We want
to find a final solution to what we see as the biggest problem facing our
nation."
The party was launched at a festive rally with strident music
playing. Speaking from a platform bedecked with NASI flags and banners, LCP (NS)
Hee laid out the philosophy and goals of the party.
One of the early goals of
the party is to make all immigrants wear an identifying badge on their clothing
at all times.
"This is to identify all the immigrants", explained LCP
(NS) Hee. "If we know who the immigrants are, we will know who to stop to
ask to see their identification papers."
The design of the badge is yet to
be decided. "Something simple will do", mused the party leader.
"Maybe a star or something like that."
A more ambitious goal is the
building of large camps in isolated areas to house immigrants in, instead of
allowing them to rent rooms or houses just anywhere.
"This will deal with
the landlord part of the problem", said LCP (NS) Hee. "It will also
concentrate immigrants into just a few spots, and greatly reduce their mixing
with Singaporeans."
Future plans for the "concentration camps"
include their secondary use as punishment centres for illegal immigrants. The
NASI Party has already drawn up designs for large machines capable of caning
hundreds of people at once.
"So efficient", murmured Mr Goh, as LCP
(NS) Hee mentioned them. The youth wing of the party, to be known as the NASI
Youth, were tasked with keeping watch on their own parents and their neighbours,
and reporting them if they were suspected of harbouring illegal immigrants.
In
time, the NASI Party hopes to co-opt all children into this scheme. "We
have had it up to here"--and as he said this, LCP (NS)
Hee thrust out his arm dramatically, elbow straightened and hand above the level
of his head--"with immigrants!"
The audience, fresh-faced young men
and women crisply dressed and with neat haircuts, reflected the gesture back,
throwing out their own arms and shouting "Here!"
"Illegal
immigrants", whispered Mr Goh in a hasty reminder.
"Oh...yes...illegal
immigrants", LCP (NS) Hee corrected himself, twitching his moustache.
In
concluding his speech, LCP (NS) Hee took pains to point out that neither he nor
his party were opposed to the government's ongoing war on illegal immigrants; in
fact, they were fully in favour of it.
"We just don't think they are being
sufficiently intolerant, that's all", he explained, his voice rising as he
worked himself into a frenzy. "Not brutal enough in their punishments of
illegal immigrants! Not ruthless enough in their persecution of the employers
and landlords who do business with them!"
"Singapore for Singaporeans
only!" shrieked the NASI Party leader. "If we're not careful,
Singapore could become a nation of immigrants!"
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Second Sergeant Indicted For Unlawful Discharge Of His
Weapon
by Kampung Chicken
On 03
April, 2SG Michael Chang was charged with illegally firing off at the wrong
target. He pleaded that he was too drunk to know what he was doing, after having
imbibed one too many of the 50-cents-a-can Tiger Beer "For Armed Forces
Only"
piss brew.
On the night in question, the 2SG allegedly returned to camp after
booking out for the evening, during which time he was "havocking" in Solo
Lola pub, made a few advances to teenaged part-time waitresses, got rejected
because he was a regular Army NCO, and, feeling pissed, decided to return to
camp to get shit-faced.
Half an hour later, in an advanced state of abject
stupor, he ambled over to the 100m range with his brand-new SAR-21 rifle, fully
loaded with no tracer rounds, relying solely on the infra-red-cum-laser
targeting module which unfortunately had a dead battery.
It was then that he
prostrated himself and let loose in a sustained burst of explosive catharsis.
Twice.
Under cross-examination, DPP Jared Pereira sarcastically posed this
question to the Army Man: "So, Sergeant, did you remember to clear up the
butt area after your live-firing?"
In defence, the 2SG replied that he had a
psychological frustration with being unable to perform, and had hoped to improve
his accuracy with consistent practice.
"Michael Chang?" scoffed his OC,
CPT Liang Zhiqiang, "He shoots like a tennis player! Full of introductory
fanfare, and then hitting it so wide it nearly goes out of the boundary. I hear
that SIB managed to find some of those lead buggers as far away as Race Course
Road, even though our range is only here in Nee Soon."
Widely acknowledged to
be a bobo-shooter, it is rumoured that the 2SG passed his marksmanship tests
only with the help of his friends.
Said CPL (NS) Teo Cheng Chee, "Last time
NS that time the platoon had night-firing with those cute, red tracer bullets.
He angkatted us to help him a bit, so we all decided to shoot his target first,
lor. Unfortunately we only had one tracer bullet and we used it on his target.
That means we got no tracer for our own targets, dam pah lan, you know what I
mean? Even worse, got so many different tracers all shoot at the same target at
the same time, look like some laser show like that, those streaks of light just
"tiu-tiu-tiu" was damn cool sial, but the DO saw it and fucked us upside
down."
The DPP argued that the 2SG did not take
"due care" or pay
attention to the armskoteman's guardian role, or indeed to the General ORders
of Mindef (GORM), and thus gormlessly elbowed his way past the armskote and
helped himself to the weapon and ammo, blithely ignoring that the armskoteman's
lack of objection was due to the latter's similarly inebriated state.
Instead, he assumed that because LCP Pak did not object, there was an implicit
agreement to open up the armoury and give him access to the amours.
In closing
arguments, the DPP mentioned that the 2SG had previously paged the armskoteman
27 times from various locations, such as the Specialists' Mess, his office,
the HQ, the cookhouse, the MT Line, and even once, as a prank, from the
Divisional HQ.
When asked about his role in looking after arms, the armskote,
LCP Pak Chew Cheng, merely blubered, "I dunno, I only guard arms. Legs
nevermind. Sorry, I'm busy now. I don't hate him. I just want to get on
with my duties. Got to fuck spider."
LCP Pak then proceeded to perfunctorily
shaft a wire in and out of an antiquated AR15, his botak head with nary a glint
of vigour in his dulled, glazed-over mosquito-coil-smoked-out eyes.
Some
distance away, emanating from a battered mini-compo set nestled in a corner of
the Chief PTI's office, could be heard the strains of an old army song, Hotel
BMTC.
(Click
here for full karaoke experience)
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